Hanging out with a Female Friend, when you have a Girlfriend. ???

[living end]

I have a friend (this is honestly about a friend)

 

He's 25. And I just want to know what you all think of this...

 

He's got a girlfriend he really digs and tells me, "she's amazing, not

like anyone else i've ever met, we get along so good, she's the one"..

 

He was boasting the other day about how he thinks it's awesome the

way his girlfriend trusts his love and how... if he says he wants to go see

a friend of his (a female friend) and they're gonna go out to dinner and

catch a flick together & talk/catch up, She trusts him and just says "great, have Fun!"

 

"No Jealousy At All", he says. I don't buy it. She has to feel a Little weird, right?

 

He also used to tell me that his Ex-Girlfriend, when they were together,

used to get all bent out of shape because sometimes he'd take a shower

at friend's house (another female), because she lived so close to where he worked

and wanted to visit with her as well. He considered it an insult when she'd get

jealous, like she didn't trust him.

 

He's not the cheating kind, i know he aint. He's not capable of it.

But I think he's dumb and insensitive sometimes. I think that it's

lame of him to think He has a right to shower at another girl's house or

go out for dinner and a movie with another girl, when he has a Girlfriend.

(Inside note*, the girl who is just a "friend", the dinner & a movie Girl: He actually used to

have a big Crush on her and he still fancies her i think, so is that fair to the current

girlfriend? She doesn't know this about him, but still...)

 

 

Am I crazy, or is totally cool with you gals out there?? Is he insensitive? I think so.

[relention]

it sounds weird....but either she really trusts him, or shes cheating on him

 

I can understand that him having a shower at a female friends house it wrong, I certainly wouldnt like my boyfriend doing it anyways!! But maybe he doesnt see anything wrong with it? If its all innocent then he probably cant see that its wrong..... on the other hand, are you sure hes not cheating? At least hes being honest with her and where hes going, maybe they just hav ea really good relationship which it seems to be from both there sides, it would be different if they both thought and felt different ways

[laRubiaBonita]

i do not think it is weird.

 

if he had cheated on this gf in the past, with a "friend", then yes, i would wonder why she would allow it or even still be with him.

 

it sounds like she is very confident and secure with their relationship.

[Bunnylove]

I wouldnt underestimate what he is "capable of". He is a guy with a penis. Maybe he is'nt the sort to go getting himself in trouble but most men that I have known that have cheated tell me its more about the situation! I belive that.....if his girl is outa town for example and youve had a few drinks or whatever and your hot 'friend' who is a girl is making eyes at him and comming onto him, flirting with him, the mind might say "no" if he was thinking with his mind...his pee pee has other plans! And the famale might be up for the challange!

 

Anway it could be ANY situation and even for myself....(although i have never cheated)...i dont go getting myself in situations where I might....like getting really drunk and flirting with a hot guy...what if he went to kiss me and i wanted to kiss him...but I knew i was a relationship....blah blah blah...its complicated!

 

My last guy wouldnt agree with me (of course) he did all sortsa things that would upset me. He has slept in the same bed as a singer he works with who he admits is "gorgeous"....he went out to the movies with another women on VALENTINES DAY...****er!....i wasnt there as we are in a LDR...he goes out to dinner and movies with ANY girl that asks him...he says its fine as they were only freinds and he wasnt cheating...he has been out to dinner with girls that have admitted having a crush on him...and STILL he would go out with them again...he admited to flirting and looking at women and loving women blah blah...i had ALLOT to deal with.

 

When we met he was dating a girl but not commited to her and was shagging 2 other women at the same time....when he met me he never told me this...we fell in love...i got a ticket to see him...he bonked the girl he was dating (his way of saying goodbye aparently) then told me everything the week before i left to go see him. He also told me he loved me before bonking her! i was heartbroken but he wanted to commit to me so i decided to give it a go! Unfortunetly his behavior with other women was too much and I never had the chance to trsut him.

 

wait i have some more to add to the list. He is friend ...CLOSE friends with nearly ALL his ex girlfriends...he went out to dinner with an ex lover (who he used to have threesomes with years ago) and they hadnt seen each other in years so he went to dinner to catch up....he has another friend he has know about 8 years and they would have sex when ever he was single...he says he would hold her hand while walking with her sometimes....they ALWAYS kissed on the lips goodbye....they would flirt together....I saw her making comments about him infront of me reminding him infron of a whole party that they used to sleep together!...he has pictures of ALL his lovers and keeps every note and card...he even has pics of his last ex grilfriend NAKED with her legs spread in one and showing boobs in the other!

 

Anyway i could go on.....i'm thinking that maybe he has a point when we discussed these issues individualy...but altogether it was too much!!!FAR too much...i could add even more...but ill spare you!

 

Unfortunetly my opion about him going out to dinner with another women when she might fancy him was not heard untill he DID go out with a girl...she says to him "I have a crush on you"..he laps it up...goes out with her again...and then one night at a club....the circumstances got worse...he had a couple of drinks...she was there and flirting very hard...so was he....all innocent up till now right? well she kissed him...and he never stopped her....he didnt tell me about it...not even the dinner dates!

 

God im getting angry remembering...we broke up about 3 weeks ago! I dont think i had a jeliousy problem now writing all this down....i think it was all too much in the end.

 

the best thing this guy could do is talk to his g.friend about boundaries so everyone is happy....but if he starts going over board with too many things she might get hurt! On the other hand...she seems not to mind..but you do...why? YOUR not his girlfriend...what do you care?

 

If she is fine with it...then good for her for trusting him!

 

Maybe you have been hurt badly like me...and dont trust men in general!?

[bicyclejunk]

that's something i've NEVER been O.K. with, Remaining friends with Ex-Lovers.

Unless you have children with that Ex, why remain friends?

 

I think it's very Un-Cool. why would i want to Have a girlfriend and have

my Ex-girlfriend in the picture? "Hey Hunny, This is Julia, yeah i had my

d!ck in her a severak times in the past, but were just friends now".

 

I don't get it.

 

And taking a shower at a girl "friend's" house isn't very cool. And going out and

taking your Gal Pal out on a pseudo Date, when he had interest in this woman? I agree, why put

yourself in those sort of situations. There's respect and morals. That's sort of like

a recovering Alcoholic becoming a Bartender, but claiming he doesn't ever drink anymore, nor

does he have the desire to, Then why work at a bar?

[Bunnylove]

LOL...good point!

 

Although....I dont see what is wrong remaining freinds with ex's....its ridiculous to say that after loving and caring for a person...you just forget about them! still remain freinds with most of my ex's but I dont go out to diiner with them, dont still kiss them on the lips goodbye and DONT call them by the pet names we used like honey or baby! THATS wrong to me...but I have broken up on good terms with almost all my boyfriends...sometimes a relationship doesnt work....and you can say goodbye without drama or consaquence...it think its fine to remain friends but my ex was far too close to his ex's and treated them like they were still together...it just left me confused and angry...the only difference was he was having intercourse with me! thats it!

 

saying that he might even be shagging one of his ex lovers/girlfriends right now....I wouldnt put it past him...he's done it before!

 

We are still friends though....we still love each other...but we chose not to be in a relationship anymore. But I wouldnt let him shag me again. He has to learn that he should leave some of the past in the past....I think he hangs onto his past too much...AND his freedom!

 

I want a boyf who has the decency o not only BE loyal..but ACT loyal...wouldnt be cool about him showering in aother girls house! But MIGHT be IF he is trustworthy and I know that girl well!

[Cecelius]

I agree with all of the above. A decent person not only avoids impropriety but avoids the appearance of it.

[bicyclejunk]

EXACTLY-

 

I'd feel like such an A-HOLE telling my girl, Sorry, I don't

want to han out with you tonight, I want to hang out with

my gal friend and take her to a movie and grab dinner with her

and take about things. I know there's truly NO harm in it, It's just

the way that it LOOKS...it would bug me.

 

Same with the shower situation.

 

 

Also, yeah, hmm...still can't agree on the remaining friends with an Ex.

I guess it depends on how the split came about. I would just feel weird

having my ex and new girl around each other. Im just that way.

 

There are limits to the sort of relationship you have with an Ex, once

there's a new love in your life. It's just respect to the new love.

 

This is all about RESPECT.

[Bunnylove]

The guy I was seeing before Daniel (my latest ex) was my boyfriend for 4 years! I loved him and cared about him but we couldnt work out our differences. I think by then end of it we wernt 'in love' anymore and were angry at each other as it wasnt working. He would fight almost every friking day. In the end I sat him down and held his hand and said "look its not working is it?" he shoock his head. We didnt want it to be a sad ending. It wasnt working BUT that didnt mean we had to stop caring about each other! He said "but I will miss you" and I said..."well if you miss me just call me...its all gona be ok...and one day if we let this go now...we CAN be in a happy relationship with another person" but of course we missed each other at first. We would still call...then text...even go out for a drink on occassion. As time passed we felt less need to call and text and see each other...but still knew he COULD if we wanted to. Breaking up was sad of course but we wernt angry at each other anymore...and we were there for each other if we needed to be! After 4 months we would only send emails on occassion! We had by then drifted apart and no longer felt pain or anger...but came to the point where we accepted each other and tha we didnt work. I met Daniel after 4 months. i told him all about my lats relationship and he understood that I still cared as he does for his ex's.

 

One day I was with Daniel my sister and my mum and we saw my ex from before Daniel. He was in the street so we got out to say hello. My mum caught up with him...so did my sis and they were all happy to see him. I got out the car to say Hi and he had a late xmas gift for me! He knew by then about Daniel and was cool! then the weordest thing happned! Daniel gets out the car and starts to walk over to me and my ex. My heart nearly stopped! he came up to my ex and said "hey how are ya! ive heard alot of good things about you" and smiled and shoock his hand! my ex was a lil embarressed and uncomfortable and I was trying not to laugh my head of with embarressment...but my ex was like "hey thanks heard some good stuff bout you too" we got back in the car after that. I said to Daniel that was a very brave thing to do...why did he do it? he says that my ex was obviously important part of my life and we shouldnt be ashamed about it and he wanted to meet him face to face to get over any aquard ness and all be OK!

 

I thought it was very cool the way they both dealed with it. Daniel is very open and mature! I dealt with his ex's the same way but the thing was ...i didnt go out with my ex anymore like to dinner or movies...THAT would just bring up old memories and maybe feelings and i didnt want that to happen! I still think you CAN remain friends BUT yyou need time to heal the wounds of the relationship stuff first...but also you need to play the game a lil differently. daniel didnt which led me to suffer jeliousy!

 

I liked the fact they were so cool but maybe its a cultural thing...i still like to leave a certain part of the relationship in the PAST...but no harm in checking in with them....just cause you arnt in love any more...doesnt mean you stop caring...and its always nice when someone cares!

[BrotherAaron]

If a guy has a girlfriend, he usually is up to no good while hanging out with female friends.

[ziggue]

If I was the girl I would feel a little uncomfortable with the situation.

 

I wouldn't like it if it was just the two of them. Just him and his 'girl' friend going out to the movies.

 

I would be annoyed if I was his girlfriend and if he ever blew me off to go hang out with the other girl.

 

If they were in a group then maybe it would probably more appropriate because then the girl would be more like one of the guys.

 

The shower thing would really get to me though.

 

If he's being honest about everything (sounds like he is about most things) and she doesn't seem bothered by it then it shouldn't be too much of a big deal.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by bicyclejunk

That's sort of like a recovering Alcoholic becoming a Bartender, but claiming he doesn't ever drink anymore, nor

does he have the desire to, Then why work at a bar?

 

Because it makes a great premise for a long running Sitcom? No, wait, he has to own the bar, not just work there.

[living end]

If I was the girl I would feel a little uncomfortable with the situation.

 

I wouldn't like it if it was just the two of them. Just him and his 'girl' friend going out to the movies.

 

I would be annoyed if I was his girlfriend and if he ever blew me off to go hang out with the other girl.

 

 

So would I, if it was the other way around. I just can't see the girlfriend being 100% into the idea of

him going out on a sort of DATE with his female friend. He can be pretty insensitive to people, friends

in general...So part of me just thinks he "thinks" she's okay with it and missing any signs that it's not okay.

 

I think it's lame of him to do it, when he KNOWS DARN WELL, that he has a crush on his friend. I mean, you

don't have to cut off all Contact, but don't take her out to dinner or a movie, that's just wrong.

He said: "she's really great, she came home from work the other day and I told her, Hey Hun, I'm

going to go out with Stacy, she's back in town and were gonna go grab dinner, maybe go see a movie

and catch up, okay?".....and apparently she was all "Sure okay, i'll just watch some TV and grab my own

dinner, Have Fun"....

 

I was just curious what y'all thought about it. I'm noticing i'm not agreeing with a lot of what this dude's ways

and how he treats his girl and how he treats Us friends, as well. He's insensitive and just dumb i guess.

 

It's all how it looks. I can go to a record store with my Gal Friend or go Grab a cup of coffee with her and rap

about things, but i'd never go to dinner and a movie with her. That's a little TOO "one on One". Plus I know my

girl would feel uncomfortable with it, so why do it? I respect her feelings.

[HoldOn]

My bf has one female friend. they've never gone out or anything. Sometimes they meet for drinks, I've been invited along when I'm in town.

 

This summer he's going on a roadtrip and he's going to stay with her for 1-2 days. I'm okay with it. (mostly). I suppose he'll have to take a shower there, now that I think about it, but considering what a prude he is! (He won't even let me peek in the shower while he's in there), I really don't think there will be any problem.

 

However, it's very different to go on a "date" --- dinner and a movie alone with a member of the opposite sex.... And to take a shower there, when you live in the same town. That's a little wierd!

 

Bunny! I knew that was you when you started talking about the ex being a male slut! Hope you're doing okay today.

[Bunnylove]

Thanx HoldOn!

 

I'll be ok one day but its hard to think of that day at the mo!

 

We have been in contact every day for 1 year 8 months now! After the break up we tried not to be in contact but we eneded up slipping back into old habbits! We also ended up going back to the way things were...him calling me baby/honey/sweetie...saying i love you and having phone sex! It was all wonderfull and very healing for me as I thought he had fallen out of love with me. I began to be hopfull for us but he says he wasnt happy the way things were!

 

Anyway i decided the other day to write to him and say it best we lose contact as im getting confused! Also getting angry that again he was having his cake and eating it! It was like we were back together bu he was free to shag other women! Like an open relationship that I never chose to be in! Anyway I decided that I would be devistated if he/when he sleeps with someone else so we spoke for a long time on the phone! its was definetly said that its best we lose contact for a long time and maybe in the future when Im over him ill call as he has always been a loyal freind...but never loyal as a lover!

 

 

This is day number one of us no communication for the first time in a year 8 months!

 

Wish my strength please...this is gona be a tough one!

[Bunnylove]

PS...being on here and reading all these messages makes me realise how lucky i am to have to got ouf this relationship...I HATED the way he was with other women and he could never seem to understand what it is to be loyal...its not JUST about cheating as in sex or kissing...its about ACTING loyal and making dam sure that other women KNOW that you are happy and taken...and some things are JUST NOT appropriate!

 

Thank you all xoxox

[scarlyjones]

Ya know,....this is so ridiculous. If Im in a friendship with someone I USED to date,.....then its fine. If HE comes on to me,....hes gone,....the first time it happens. Im in control of what I do. Im so sick of hearing people say how it would bother them. It would make them jealous. Oh f'ing well. This person was in their lives BEFORE YOU. What makes you think its acceptable to expect someone to dump someone from their lives for YOU? Then what? What if you go to your friend and say "I have a girlfriend/boyfriend and cant hang out with you anymore" THen two months later that relationship you dumped your friend over doesnt work out? Huh? Then what? Go back with your tail between your legs and tell your friend your sorry. Nope. Now you have no boyfriend/girlfriend AND no friend anymore. Nice. If you cant handle your significant other having an opposite sex friend....then THATS YOUR insecurities coming out,...and thats it!! If you truely,....TRUELY trust your mate,....then you dont have to worry what THEY would do. If the "friend" trys something,..then be mad at the friend. Your mate had nothing to do with it. As long as they said no.

[Bunnylove]

Well thats the thing I DINT trust him. As far as I am concirned he has cheated on me twice...he would say different though but its all bull **** excuses. The first time was after we met. infact WHEN we met he was already dating another women but decided not to tell me. He told me he loved me after he went back home and I decided to get a ticket over to see him. We were falling in love and he wrote me everyday saying that he didnt want anyone else...only me. The WEEK before I was leaving he deicides to tell me he was already dating someone and they had slept together but he is putting it to an end. As far as i was concirned there was NO NEED to shag her before ending it with her. He was being selfish and the trust wwas gone. I decided to give him another chance as it seemed like a miscommunication and he thought I KNEW about her. The other time he cheated was during the period where I became jelious at his girl 'friends'. He was always going out to dinner and movies with other women...some his ex's some just girls he would have sex with for fun...whatever...he said about ALL of them that they were close friends he had known for years...but the list of 'close girl friends' was enourmous and all it really was, was girls from his dance class (he is a musician for dance classes). There are hundreds of girl dancers that he has known for years! anyway...going out to the movies on valentines day with one of them who he didnt really know....going out to dinner with another....holding hands with his ex.....flriting with women/dancers/musicians....kissing his ex's on the lips goodbye and still caliing them by pet names...still saying i love you...checking out women where ever he went...on top of the first cheating instance was TOO much!

 

The second time he cheated was during that hard period where I TRYED to deal with my emotions but he wouldnt budge about these issues. Eventuall he said he wouldnt go out alone for meals or movies with another girl...especially ones I dont know. But HE DID and lied about it. One of them was a dancer and they had lunch alone together and she told him she had a crush on him. He LAPPED it up! I didnt know this was going on...they went out again (as freinds aparently) and she was cracking onto him which he loved. Im not even sure he told her he had a girlfriend...he was just loving the attension. One night at a club she was there and he was as usual flirting and so was she...he loved it....and so...of course...she read the signals...they had gone out...they got on...she liked him....he lapped up and smiled and loved the attension...so she made her move...and could he say 'no'....NO HE ****ING COULDNT.... I wasnt there...and although he didnt plan it...it happened and he went with it...but felt **** afterwards....and decided it best not to tell me!

 

I found out 6 months later and this killed the relationship! If he would have just STOPPED getting himself into these situations...it wouldnt have happened...he was never LOOKING to cheat...it just happned.

 

Now...you MAYB think some of us are overly protective about our relationships but in this situation i was in...i was only proved right. It was TOO much to deal with cheating/lieing PLUS his womanising.

 

I agree that is it cool to remain friends with ex's as I do too...but going out to dinner alone?...why?...why would you WANT to bring up past memories of the days when you used to date...and movies?...same deal!

 

Some things ARE just a deal braker to some women...we DONT expect perfection...but DO expect some respect. I think if a guy is really devoted to his girl...he will respect the fact that some of these things are too much to deal with. That DOESNT mean CUTTING EX'S OR OTHER WOMEN OUT OF HIS LIFE...it means behaving in a manner that is respectfull to his CURRENT relationship as THAT is what is meant to be most important...NOT the relationship with his ex. IF she is a real true freind...she will respect him and his NEW relationship and do whatever it takes for both of them to be happy. I have had to take a step back with MY ex's when a new girl comes along....and thats out of love and respect for MY friendships...the last thing I would want is the new girl thinking there still might BE something there between us!

[scarlyjones]

B.S.....................Like you would care what the NEW GIRL thought. C'mon,...............you said it yourself...........you didnt trust him. If thats the case, then its not even a matter of should I be mad if he hangs with an ex? You simply dont date him if you dont trust him. Cut and dry..............................end of list. How can you EVER be with someone you dont trust?????

[HoldOn]

This is day number one of us no communication for the first time in a year 8 months!

 

The next 20 months will be better than the last, I promise!

 

This person was in their lives BEFORE YOU. What makes you think its acceptable to expect someone to dump someone from their lives for YOU? Then what?

 

Because your bf should be first in your life before some person that you already broke up with.

 

How can you EVER be with someone you dont trust?????

 

Going out with exes CAUSES the lack of trust. (should i put a thousand exclamation points to make my point???????? Nah, I'll just use words instead!!!!!!!!! he he )

 

Then two months later that relationship you dumped your friend over doesnt work out? Huh? Then what? Go back with your tail between your legs and tell your friend your sorry.

 

No you don't go back to them with your tail between your legs. You never go back at all. because you've broken up. I have other friends, without having to be friends with someone I slept with. What's the point exactly? Why do you have to be friends with this particular person? Especially when it will cause future problems in your relationships.

 

Now, I am not talking about the occassional group outing with an ex in a group or something. I am talking about spending alone time, dinner and a movie.... that's a freakin' date, I don't care how you define it. If the ex is REALLY your friend, they won't mind that you put your new love in front of them.

 

It's about respect.

[scarlyjones]

trust is trust.......................the way trust works is that the person you "trust" should have to DO something to break that trust. Simply talking to someone YOU feel threatened by, doesnt count as breaking trust. Nobody should have to walk on eggs shells around you. If your self esteem is too low then dont be in a relationship. Anybody should be able to be friends with whom ever they want. What makes you think you can dictate who talks to whom? Being someones GF or wife doesnt give you any "ruling" rights.

[scarlyjones]

If they are goign to cheat,...they are going to cheat. Do you think that simply forbading him to talk to his ex is keeping him from cheating?????? So what,.....it doesnt bother you that he would simply WANT to cheat. ITs only the actual act that bothers you?

[Bunnylove]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

trust is trust.......................the way trust works is that the person you "trust" should have to DO something to break that trust. Simply talking to someone YOU feel threatened by, doesnt count as breaking trust. Nobody should have to walk on eggs shells around you. If your self esteem is too low then dont be in a relationship. Anybody should be able to be friends with whom ever they want. What makes you think you can dictate who talks to whom? Being someones GF or wife doesnt give you any "ruling" rights.

 

We were talking about repsect NOT trust! YES i didnt trust my last bf! maybe because he cheated ...maybe because of all his million 'girl friends' hanging about!? Maybe BOTH...but the two women he was in a relationship before me managed to be with him without being cheated on! BUT THEY had the SAME issues as me...OTHER WOMEN! Also they all date back from there i'm sure and other women he dated ALSO had the same issue with this 'I AM James Bond/Austin Powers' kinda attitude! i think you are just making excuses for yourself!!!

 

Of COURSE you dont need to cut people out of your life...but some things are going too far! its about boundaries and if your in a relationship, you have to make sure to come into agreements about them. I think MOST women would be unhappy with the way he was with other women...in fact in the case of my ex...it was proven! but still he wont change and like you BLAMES ALL......ALL!!!! The women in his life for not 'accepting' the way he was!

 

Good luck to both him and YOU to find a women who is SOO COOL that she will be fine with you doing ANYTHING you want with other women! I suppose you think anything goes unless you are sticking your penis inside them right? HOW can you trust your partner being loyal when he doesnt ACT loyal!!!????

[HoldOn]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

If they are goign to cheat,...they are going to cheat. Do you think that simply forbading him to talk to his ex is keeping him from cheating??????

 

Noooo. I think dumping a guy who insists on seeing his ex will keep him from cheating on me.

[HoldOn]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

the way trust works is that the person you "trust" should have to DO something to break that trust.

 

the way it works is that someone EARNS my trust first.

 

Being someones GF or wife doesnt give you any "ruling" rights.

 

Yes, it does. I have the right to leave him if he doesn't respect me.

 

I don't believe that I can change someone or tell them what to do. But I do have the right to find a bf who thinks the same as me. (And I have.) So there's no problems.

 

If your ex is interfereing in your relationship, it is really your ex who is controlling your life, because they are keeping you from being happy. Relationships are about compromise. If your SO doesn't feel comfortable with one of your friends (and your relationship being too close to them), it's your decision to choose between them. If you're always choosing your ex, you're going to end up alone in the end.