Hanging out with a Female Friend, when you have a Girlfriend. ???

[Bunnylove]

You GO! girl!

 

hehe

 

scarlyjones are you a girl or a guy?

 

seems like your comming from a male perspective here!

 

I'm wondering if YOU have any boundaries aside from your lover having intercourse with someone else? or maybe your so open minded that you wouldnt care about that either!

 

I'm pretty sure not ALL men are like this girls, I'm not looking for perfection, just some love and respect, loyalty and to be made to feel special...like I am thier number one. I think if you love someone you don't go doing things that would make them suffer, especially when its really not that dam important! IF the EX is so important to them...then maybe they should have held onto her rather than make some other poor heart suffer! Maybe...like in my ex's case...the REASON his relationship with his ex ended was becasue she was suffereing the same problem! Infact he told me himself of several ex's having the same problem...so was it THIER problem? MY problem?...or just maybe...JUST MAYBE.... HE has a problem with letting go!!!expecting everyone else to adjust to HIS behavior!

[HoldOn]

I'm pretty sure not ALL men are like this girls,

 

You're right, my bf told me that if he heard one of his exes were dead it wouldn't affect him. Hey, that's a little extreme. But we both agree that we have no need or desire to talk to any of our exes ever again.

[scarlyjones]

Lets get REAL honest here,..............................get off the respect B.S. Admit it,...you'd have a problem if this was just some girl who was always JUST a friend ,....someone he had never dated,....or some girl he met as friends while he was your boyfriend. Its the fact that they are FEMALE that bothers you.....So tell me......do you think its ok to completely cut-off part of the human race from people simply because they are dating YOU?

[HoldOn]

scarly, I don't have a problem with him having friends that are girls. In fact, he has two good friends that are girls... But he's never dated them or had sex with them. Sorry, you're wrong.

 

Why don't you get honest! You're not willing to sacrifice for a SO? at all? ever? come on now.

[Bunnylove]

Its not JUST about ONE instance inmy case though. All my boyfriends have had male and female friends and so do I. I do not expect they give up thhier friendships OR cut out contact with people in gerneral. This is not just balck and white!

 

The first ex girlfriend I came across I was fine with and we became really good mates too! But the NEXT 'freind' is a woman he has known for years and they have had casual sex together over many years when he is single! I was sota ok but willing to toally deal untill i met her! she was flirting with him at the party i met her at and was putting me down infront of everyone. She also was brining up times when they were obviously together..and I felt humiliated. On top of that she would insisit on kissing him on the lips goodbye, saying I love you and even holding his hand while they walked together. I might have coped better if they did have a sexual ongoing history and she didnt still fancy him! So that was two! There was number 3...the love of his life who hurt him more than anyone! And he would mention her ALOT over the whole period of our relationship. I remember he went out to dinner with her alone one time and I had to sit back and be ok with it. And again i was but by this time things were building up! One time he went to go out to dinner with a girl who he hadnt seen for years but he used to play sex games with her and has had threesomes with her over the years. On that same weekend he was sleeping in the same bed as another girl who he admited was "gorgeou". all these ex's and still they built up. I have to say that MOST of my insecurities came with OTHER women NOT ex's. He worked with dancers as he is a musician. every day he would be asked out by dancers that thought he was cute...and he would go out with them. he even would go into thier changing rooms WHILE THEY WERE CHANGING to dump his stuff. Aparently they didnt mind him going in but did mind me (a women) going in!

 

Anway sorry again for rambling...this is the reason i dont actually want to be with him anymore. That stuff was only the begginning. The list went on and on...and by the end ...it was too much....and ontop of his 'love for women' he had also got away with cheating TWICE!

 

He is a 'ladies man' i suppose! but it was too much and my friends wonder how I held onto that for so long! Did i mention keeping sexy photos of his ex's...with legs spead and all!!!sorry but the list does go on.

 

Too much all in all........but if it was only ONE of those things...I would have got over it!

[SadAndLonely]

I'm totally a chick. This is how I see it. My boyfriend had lunch yesterday with a female ex-coworker from one branch he used to work at. She's old enough to be his mother. Then he went to go visit his ex-coworkers at the branch he most recently worked at. Most of them are females, but not all, and he got on with all of them. Then he went to go visit another ex-coworker. She and he work at the same bank now, but not the same branch, but they used to work at the same bank AND branch. I know this is getting confusing, but bear with me. I have no reason to suspect anything. It's not the same as going out to dinner with someone, but he's done that as well. Of course, the person in question was his ex-manager from his old tutoring job in college, and old enough to be his mother as well.

 

I don't have any fear whatsoever. My boyfriend is just really friendly with people. Both male AND female. When he moved into his new house there were a bunch of people coming over to help, because he's just that amiable. The only girls were me and my best friend, who's married to one of his best friends.

 

OK, in all that rambling is the point that not all guys are going to cheat on you just because they hang out with people of the opposite sex. My boyfriend even still occasionally talks to his ex. She's married, and he lets me see the emails she sends him. Nothing even slightly romantic. Usually just sending a joke or bitching about her job, and she only emails him a couple times a month.

 

I'll tell you one thing, though. I really love my boyfriend, and as soon as I start acting insecure/needy/jealous, I drive him away. Men love confidence.

[bicyclejunk]

That may be true what youre saying about

'not all guys are going to cheat on you just because they

hang out with people of the opposite sex'...

 

But Not All Girls See it Your Way. They could be the most

TRUSTWORTHY dude in the world, a girl is still going to feel

weird about. She doesn't have to be a girl of low self-esteem

either, people are all different.

 

In general those things that he is doing are all seen as things

you do with someone you are DATING or INVOLVED with. I really

don;t think the dude is cheating...But he still should respect his

girl's feelings, or ex's feelings i should say.

 

What is you boyfriend decided to take a shower at one of those female

co-worker's of his, while she was home, because he was too lazy to come

home and do it? How would you feel? wouldn;t YOU question it? like

Why couldn't you just wait to get home?

[SadAndLonely]

Nope. My best friend is a male. He lives several states away and I go visit him a few times a year. I take showers at his place, sleep in the same room as him, and nothing happens. My boyfriend doesn't care because he knows I only want him. The same goes for me.

[Bunnylove]

SadAndLonely...you obviously trust your boyfriend very much. I have to say though..to be honest...he hasnt given you any reason NOT to trust him. Every relationship is different and I am not normally the jelious type. My bf boyfore the last was cool...we went out 4 years and I would trust him to walk into a room of sexy naked horny women and still walk out the other side to get to me!!! I FELT his loyalty on a daily basis and his love. But he was too needy. my last boyfriend wasnt needy exept in the sexual department. Maybe this was about his needs there...he knew and i knew that he could get sex anywhere he wanted...he made his life so he was constantly surrounded by women. In the first month he DID have sex with someone else and later after a few luches with a girl who had a crush on him, ended up kissing her. It was the going out with her in the first place that led her on to think he was interested in cheating on me with her!

 

Anyway as i said all relationships are different and so are people. But seriously...if your boyfreind went away for a few weeks with a girl he was working with who you BOTH thought was gorgeous, and he offered her his bed to share...would you be happy? What is he went to dinner and movies alone with a 'freind' from work...and at the end of the night kissed politely on the LIPS and held hands as they walked home. Would THAT get you anoyed? What if the women in question was a freind over many years and they used to date, but still have sex on occassion WHEN he is single and will probably do it if you guys broke up...AND you got the feeling she was waiting for that to happen!?...THEN would you be ok?

 

Everyone has thier emergeny button.....I waited a very long time to use mine and I think i put up with too much. I'm glad you can trust your bf, he has obviously spent time making you feel secure enough in your relationship for you to feel any notion of dis-trust, so good for you both...question is...WHY are you sad and lonely?

 

 

Do you know (just having mental revelation), maybe I'm so defensive about this because you are comming from the same place he was. And the first time he used this "i cannot just cut people out of my life" excuse was AFTER he slept with someone else. After telling me and me being heart broken...instead of tending to my needs...he tended to hers. After my visit with him I went back home and only a few days later he was out having a drink ALONE with the girl he cheated on me with. I have to point out that ANYONE who has ever cheated before has been booted to the kurb the minute i find out...But i tried to forgive and and understand this one. BUT GOING OUT TO DRINKS WITH HER THE MINUTE I LEAVE, AFTER FRINKING BRAKING MY HEART BY SLEEPING WITH HER.....C'MON! i KNEW she was looking to jump back into the sack with him, i'm not stupid, and that whole time I was there was waiting for me to leave...thinking about this makes steam come out my ears with anger!

 

Anyway this is where all this 'going out alone with other women' started, and i found this highly inapropriate...GOD...I'm so happy that i'll be over him in a few months and will find a guy I cant TRUST again!

[SadAndLonely]

I keep explaining this. I need to put a neon sign next to my name. I'm SadAndLonely because I don't feel like changing my name and then constantly saying, "I used to be SadAndLonely." It's for continuity.

 

I'm not telling other people how they should feel, merely stating facts. Men DON'T (as a whole) like women who act needy or jealous. If you don't have a reason to trust him, then why are you with him?

[HoldOn]

Originally posted by SadAndLonely

If you don't have a reason to trust him, then why are you with him?

 

She's not with him.

 

Men DON'T (as a whole) like women who act needy or jealous.

 

 

That's right. Don't act jealous and needy toward your bf. If he insists on dating other women, then just leave. You can't change a man, but you can change your life.

 

Acting jealous and needy will get you nowhere. Again, you can't change someone, but you can make your own decisions about whether to be with him or not.

[Bunnylove]

I'm NOt with him anymore...we broke a a few weeks back. And I am glad I dont have to deal with fighting off other women any more...since he was usless at doing that himself.

 

I am not a NEEDY or a JELIOUS person and I know the that can be unattractive....but what do YOU know about when men 'like' and dont 'like' since you are NOT one yourself. My ex LIKED the fact that that I could be jelous as he knew I was just protective of our relationship! It was the not trusting part he didnt like. But what does he expect after cheating on me twice!!!

 

I think if YOUR boyfriend cheated on YOU and you stayed with him to try and work it out...regain trsut etc...you migh be feeling differently about his behavior with other women.

 

My ex was not a nasty person...he was very loving and lovely and we had a good relationship when you took out all that 'other women' stuff. I TRYED to learn to trust him but he just made it completally impossible!

 

I'm guessing that you have not been hurt like that by YOUR bf and so have NO reason NOT to trust him! You seem to think of the rest of us a hysterical or overly controling...but if you have a man who cannot control HIMSELF....what are you to do? sit in while he is going out for a 'date' with his ex or some girl he met on the bus he thought was cute and just be OK with that and TRUST him when he has already proved that its very hard for him to turn a woman down! If he encourages women to flirt and flirts back and goes out with them...its ASKING for trouble...my experience if evidence of that!

 

i have been looking on the net about men who cheat...aparently 50%-70% of men are likely to cheat but there are ways to tell if he is a likely candidate. The way my man was and the way he thought unfortunetly put him at the top of the list as a typical cheater...infact...its true...he was and is...and I am glad to be outs there!

 

I think also us women can sense when something isnt right. Gut feeling or whatever! My was right all along and from now on i will never ignore it!

[HoldOn]

there are ways to tell if he is a likely candidate.

 

What did you find?

[SadAndLonely]

Originally posted by HoldOn

She's not with him.

 

I was speaking rhetorically, using the universal "you", as my comment was directed to women in general.

[scarlyjones]

its very simple..............................once you begin dating someone,...........you have been ADDED to their life. All the friends he or she had should still be there. If you think the addition of YOU warrants the subtraction of others.....you need to get over yourself.

[HoldOn]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

its very simple..............................once you begin dating someone,...........you have been ADDED to their life. All the friends he or she had should still be there. If you think the addition of YOU warrants the subtraction of others.....you need to get over yourself.

 

I don't think that my bf should subtract people from his life. If he has to be friends with his ex, I would SUBTRACT MYSELF from his life. get it yet? I am not saying that other people should change for me. I am saying I get to CHOOSE who I will date. And I would choose NOT to date someone who was friends with his ex. Gosh.

[scarlyjones]

Oh ,.by the way,..........I AM a girl. Funny how you automatically assumed I was a man based solely on where I stand on this issue. That says alot about your views. Ok.....Maybe I MISSED this part....but....if this guy cheat on you (NUMBER ONE) you should have dumped him. And secondly,.....if you DIDNT dump him and he started hanging out with the girl he cheat on you with,...then YES,....I can understand you getting pissed. But I think YOU, yourself are unable to have an unbiased opinion on this . You stated yourself that you've been cheat on before. That also says alot about your views on this issue.

[HoldOn]

Are you talking to me? I'm not "bunnylove" and I've never been cheated on, except in high school, which doesn't really count.

 

Don't I have the right to dump someone if I want to?

 

doesn't matter my bf agrees with me and would never see an ex. So, I've got no problems with that.

[scarlyjones]

no,.......I wasnt talking about you, "hold-on"

[Bunnylove]

YES...I HAVE been cheated on by this guy and also have been cheated on in the past. But not EVERY guy has cheated...most did'nt! But there was a definate patern with the ones that cheated and the ones that didnt. We ALL have boundaries scarey! I guess with every relationship its different though...and with me and my most recent ex the boundaries were pushed back so far I could hardly see them and I was compromising myself too much, I belived what i belive now but I HAD to try and change my point of view to be more like yours...more trusting....but i got my fingers burned for the second time and now feel stupid!

 

I am a very strong opinion on these matters because it was his way with women that led me to not trust him MORE that the cheating! from now on I'm looking for a guy who has more respect for my boundaries!

 

I'm curious to what yours are scarey...you seem like you have NONE what soever...what if your bf DID cheat on you and you found it in your heart to understand and forgive and give him a second chance....would you not be watching him too? Have YOU ever been cheated on or are you just the luckiest person in the world and has NEVER been dissapointed!

 

As far as I am concirned...AND MOST MEN WILL ADMIT...they they are WEAK when it comes to sex and women.

 

Bottom line is ..when you begin a relationship with someone...you learn each others boundaries and compromise....if he doesnt compromise with you....then he doesnt really WANT the relationship!

[scarlyjones]

Yeah,..Ive been cheated on before. But I didnt give the son of a bitch the satisfaction of a second chance. In us giving a second chance to someone whos cheated on us,...it seems like WE'RE the ones giving out chances,..like we are in control,...the upperhand,...but actually,...we look very weak doing that. We are saying, yeah, my self esteem is so low, that Im willing to let you walk all over me atleast once. We are actually giving the control over to him. I dumped the bastard. ITs totally different when he cheats on you and you take him back and hes still hanging with the bitch he cheated with. But havent you ever heard the saying : Fool me once, shame on you,.....fool me a second time,...shame on me. Fits good here.

[bicyclejunk]

its very simple..............................once you begin dating someone,...........you have been ADDED to their life

.

 

True.

 

 

 

All the friends he or she had should still be there.

 

True.

 

 

 

If you think the addition of YOU warrants the subtraction of others.....you need to get over yourself

 

Well, You need to get over yourself if you think you deserve the same ol Situation your

used to, once a new guy/gal is in your life that youre dating. It's pretty selfish to think you

should be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, with Whoever you want, if

you have a girlfriend or boyfriend. It has nothing to do with Neediness. Why else would we

get into relationships then? If everything is going to stay the same?

 

I don't think you need to get rid of friends once you get into a relationship, but there

definately has to be a change of action, because a relationship is all about being with that

new person, spending alone time with that person, doing special "Date" things with that

person.

[Bunnylove]

All very true! When you start a relationship you have to understand that you are both going to have very sensitive feelings towards certain matters. Its because you have become emotionaly attached. Its not like meeting a new freind, you dont have to make room or life changes for a new freind, but a relationship is different. Its deeper than that and every relaionship is a potencial partener for life, so you MUST take into account thier feelings. If YOU dont want to change for ANYONE and you CANNOT make room in your life for a partener than how the hell is that gona work?

 

For example one of my first boyfriends ever used to send me poetry. I loved the poems so much I put them all over my wall. When he moved away I wanted to keep them there and I would read them when I woke up every day. My next boyfriend didnt say anything to beggin with but eventually told me they bothered him. We talked about it and I took them down. I still kept them in a box but I no longer needed them really as I had found somone else. But the point is a made that small change to keep my partener happy. People do it all the time, It's called COMPROMISING! (kick in sesame street)!

 

My last boyfriend was a premiscuous, womanising tart and he knew it and loved that about himself. WHEN he decided to commit to me fully I thought he would be changing is ways a little. But he did't ....probably like YOU he thought he was ONLY doing something wrong if he had his pee pee in another woman's poh poh! It's not true though, for example I think kissing someone else is cheating! Anyway we ALL have a different opinion about what is cheating but there is also what is accetable behavior in general. For example I dont think my partner cuddling up in bed with another girl without sex or kissing IS cheating BUT it IS completally inapropriate! I would think at that point that he WAS interested in that woman and that its only a matter of time. I would also think that he has very little respect for our relationship and is encouraging this other women! Do you see what I mean?

 

Also I wanted to say that I wasnt WEAK to give him a second chance. normally I would'nt have, but we had a great deal of love for each other and he told me it was a mistake and a lack of communication on our part. He thought I knew he was already dating someone when we met and when I came along he didnt know whether we would ever see each other again, so when he got home he went back to her. She knew all about him sleeping with me. It was after he returned home we declared we were in love. he slept with her AFTER telling me he loved he (his way of saying goodbye) I was NOT happy and came very close to ending it right there! but I decided that he seemed sincere enough that he meant no harm and that it wouldnt happened again so I gave him another chance!

 

You are right though I shouldnt have done this as we started to embark on a relationship without any trust and this destroyed us in the end! But DO NOT call me WEAK for LEARNING what it is to forgive. What I did was something I have never done before and I did it being fully concious! It was NOT out of weakness as it would have been easier back then to walk away. I made my decision to try again! I felt like I was being very mature in forgiving so please dont call me weak!

 

Anyway its all over now and I am no longer putting up with him kissing other women, holding hands with other women, going out to dinner with other women, going to the movies with other women (one time it was friking VALENTINES DAY when he did that- I wasnt there) anyway blah blah

 

Scarey...we ALL have boundaries so dont be making out that you are so friking open that you DONT CARE what your bf does! I'll have to think of something though that would get you thinking!

 

 

Ok...what if his ex was his 'best freind' and would call him to be by her side at all times, and would even call in the middle of the night to talk with him, what if he was always ditching you for her and her emotional crisis'? What if he jus said to you..."well she was here before you and I'm not going to change how we are together for you, as women come and go, but freinds will always be there"

 

What if she would come keep him company durirng the nights you wernt there and they would cuddle up in bed together...but with no sex!

 

What if you found his ex giving him an all over body massage (for old times sake)? But still no sex!

 

What is he went to go visit his ex at work and she just so happnes to be a stripper/lap dancer?

 

What if your bf liked to still hold hands with his last ex and they would kiss goodbye on the lips, flirt, cuddle and say I love you after every visit and call. (This was one of my storeys by the way). I personaly could only deal with it for so long untill she humiliated me at a party! I then put my foor down as she was getting away with too much and he was lapping it up...as ALL guys love attension!

 

Scarey...you MUST have SOME boundaries....you are only human after all like the rest of us!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I agree with the majority of the ladies here. While it's true that you can't change a person, each one of us is in control of our own lives and can decide for ourselves whether to accept someone on their terms or move on. And it’s the "move on" part that a lot of folks have trouble with. Particularly young people because so much of their self-worth is wrapped up in their social circles.

 

For me, if someone is still clinging emotionally to an ex-lover and has been unable to put healthy closure on their past relationships, then that screams of 'insecurity', neediness and attachment/abandonment issues. For the most part, people keep ex-lovers in their social orbits as emotional safety nets because they can't handle the idea of being on their own without constant ego stroking from the opposite sex. These people seldom make good candidates for 'long-term' relationships because they're unable to invest themselves fully in their current relationship with one foot still in stuck in the old one.

 

Friends come and go. Lovers come and go. That's life. You grow up, move on and make new ones. I have ex lovers, too, who suggested that "we keep in touch" and try to remain "friends" after an amicable break-up. But for me, if I thought there was anything left of the relationship worth salvaging, I wouldn't have gone through the trouble of ending it in the first place. I've never been wishy-washy about those things. Furthermore, I don't bonk 'friends' so there's little confusion for me when it comes to determining the difference between a 'buddy' and an ex. And for me…an "ex" is an "ex" for a very good reason.

 

I guess I'm fortunate to have found a partner who feels the same way as I do. Neither one of us could ever imagine the other going away for the weekend to spend time with an opposite sex friend. Particularly someone we once had a sexual relationship with. Perhaps we're both "insecure" and "jealous" of each other (ha ha )…Or perhaps, we're just "respectful" and considerate of our partner's feelings. I suppose the whole ex-lover-turned-platonic-friend thing is just a matter of individual interpretation. But whatever our personal hang-ups, the way we choose conduct our relationship has eliminated any insecurity issues and has actually nurtured the trust between us rather than chipping away at it. And for five years, the way we've done things so far has stood the test of time. Neither one of us feels an ounce of nostalgia for an ex-lover or opposite sex friend that got left behind.

 

If it works, it works!

 

I'd be curious to compare the statistics and find out just how many relationships ended because of an ex-lover or a platonic opposite sex friend hovering in the background as opposed to those couples (like us) who don't play that game. It sure would be interesting!

[scarlyjones]

You CAN do what you want,...when you want. Did you even read back to yourself what you wrote? You said "Do you think you can still do what you want, when you want when you have a boyfriend or Girlfriend?" Are you suggesting that everythings fine in a relationship if one person just WANTS to cheat, but simply doesnt? If they want to cheat,....THATS cheating. Simply stopping them from the act doesnt mean you've fixed whatever the problem is. Im simply saying that if someone Im with tries to stop me from doing something I want to do, whatever is,....simply to make THEM not feal jealous, or insecure,....or unhappy,...then Im out of the relationship. I dont need insecure people in my life. If you trust me in one situation,..then you MUST trust me all situations,...or else, my friend,....it aint trust. SPending "special time" with one another IS what its all about, yes,...as long as you can still spend time with your family and friends like you did before. Trust has nothing to do with trusting the guy at the mall that might hit on me. Its about trusting what I DO in that situation. Accepting the things you cant change, the courage to change the things you can,....and knowing the difference.