I'mNotYours Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 As some of you might know I have been struggling with moving on from an A, which started over two years ago. I was the OW, and it was short term, but he claimed he was in love (and I was very much in love). He ended it, because he wanted to work on his marriage. We went NC, but I kept breaking it, and he also broke it a couple of times. We weren't seeing eachother until this Spring. We saw eachother again about 3-4 times and had sex, but in the end he said we should stop it, because he still wants his marriage to work out. I accepted although it hurt, but there was nothing more I could do. A couple of days ago we texted and for the first time he was really mean and cold towards me. And I just lost it. I have never been angry with him and have always defended him, when my friends, who knew about the A, said he wasn't good enough for me. But this time was different. I felt so hurt and really really angry, and I texted a lot of mean things and told him to never contact me again, and I wouldn't contact him either. He just replied "ok", which pissed me off even more. I think I'm sad and pathetic. And most of all, I'm really hurting. It hurts that he choose her. That he wants to work on his marriage. I understand it with my mind, but not with my heart. And I'm hurting, because he just let me go. And I'm hurting, because I'm still stuck in this :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Well done on contacting your anger, but not so well done on contacting him. You know that road goes nowhere. Well not really, it does go somewhere. It goes to the world of pain. Here are a few ways of dealing with anger in a healthy way, things that worked for me: The key to dealing with anger is externalising it. You can do this by: Speaking about it to a trustworthy person, writing about it, or any other means of expression that works for you. Anger is very physical, so physical ways of externalising it can be be particularly helpful. Some examples are: Going to a place where nobody can hear you and shouting it out as loud as you can, for as long as you can. Hitting a punch bag until you can't punch any more. Breaking something, and then breaking the fragments, until the pieces are small enough to grind beneath your boot/shoe. Slashing up cardboard boxes (psycho-style) with a big knife. ( This was a favourite of mine ) You can think about this and come up with your own ideas. And a last comment: Learn to enjoy the ordinary. Ordinary is good. The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else. Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be. Take care. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 Why are you angry? You continue to break NC hoping he has a change of heart but in reality he's using you. Secondly, you state he chose his wife...his wife was always his firt choice...his reason for wanting to work on his marriage as oppose to HEA with you. As long as you continue to reach out to him, the longer he will hurt you. Once you allow him to go on with his life your chances are better to heal from the affair. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 You can find a better marriage and a greater love than all which is involved in this mess. Less baggage and headaches. It isn't true love and he may not have the ability to love anyone other than himself, he is a user. I know it is hard but a lot of quietness and thinking will make you know without a doubt this is reality. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 This was my breakthrough. I have spent the last 6 days or so to myself. I had a hard time sleeping, could not get to sleep, anxiety or something was keeping me up and I was tossing and turning, even though I was tired. I let my emotional connection to him go and really thought about who he was, what would the reality be of any future with him short and long term. I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted him at all. The reality of who he really is as opposed to what I let my emotions and fantasies make me believe he was, were two completely different men. I am going to go find that fantasy guy in real life. It is not him. I hope you get to this place. There is still pain, but it is so comfy and refreshing. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 It's good that you finally showed him that you will now finally live your life only ON YOUR TERMS, not his. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 don't date married men! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 That anger will help you get over him and lose some of the love you felt for him that protectiveness and wanting to defend him. No more! Next time your friends say something negative about him, agree with them! Because it's true! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 That anger will help you get over him and lose some of the love you felt for him that protectiveness and wanting to defend him. No more! Next time your friends say something negative about him, agree with them! Because it's true! Whichwayisup, it is a process. I had anger for a long time and it was strange that after the anger subsided and I found a clear calm, almost wrote clam:laugh:, I found more peace and determination. I at one time thought anger was the key, but it wasn't. I do not know what happened but you seem intuitive and aware, so maybe you know the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thank you for the replies. Maybe getting angry was a good thing in the end. But I don't like getting angry. I don't like to lose control and write mean texts and act psycho I don't like that I write things like "Just admit you don't care about me". I get paranoid and scared, when he gets angry with me. I'm scared he will eventually tell his W (the A was never disclosed). I don't like myself very much right now Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I dont know if its much comfort but I raged at my xeap...every ounce of venom, hurt, insults, anger...one text and email after another. Someone on here told me "who cares...your human" and for whatever reason it was a simple enough response to help me let that go. It really is ok. My ap knew me to be warm, calm, accepting (of breadcrumbs) and to show this ugly DARK side was completely out of character. You know...he deserved it...it wasn't the best way for me to deal with it...but I was doing the best I could at the time. At least I got my feelings out in stead of being a doormat. Now...just go quiet...dissappear...lock the door...burn the bridge. Trust me...dont apologize. Those embarrasing episodes are now my badges of honor! Who cares his thoughts and opinions...he got himself full of cake...now hes retreating to "working on it" please! That's the equivalent to Im running back to safety and to a place I dont have to look at someone I future faked with and hurt...a place of predictability where I can quietlt sweep this all under the rug. Good! goooooo!! F'n user so GLAD he will not ve allowed to waste anymore of your time. YOUR time now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 I dont know if its much comfort but I raged at my xeap...every ounce of venom, hurt, insults, anger...one text and email after another. Someone on here told me "who cares...your human" and for whatever reason it was a simple enough response to help me let that go. It really is ok. My ap knew me to be warm, calm, accepting (of breadcrumbs) and to show this ugly DARK side was completely out of character. You know...he deserved it...it wasn't the best way for me to deal with it...but I was doing the best I could at the time. At least I got my feelings out in stead of being a doormat. Now...just go quiet...dissappear...lock the door...burn the bridge. Trust me...dont apologize. Those embarrasing episodes are now my badges of honor! Who cares his thoughts and opinions...he got himself full of cake...now hes retreating to "working on it" please! That's the equivalent to Im running back to safety and to a place I dont have to look at someone I future faked with and hurt...a place of predictability where I can quietlt sweep this all under the rug. Good! goooooo!! F'n user so GLAD he will not ve allowed to waste anymore of your time. YOUR time now. I did apologize, when I calmed down I was so ashamed of myself for being so ****ed up. He just wrote that I should delete his number and never contact him again and he won't contact me either. It's for the best. I know that. But everything hurts right now. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I did apologize' date=' when I calmed down I was so ashamed of myself for being so ****ed up. He just wrote that I should delete his number and never contact him again and he won't contact me either. It's for the best. I know that. But everything hurts right now.[/quote'] It sure does hurt...in the beginning its excruciating. Plus you gotta know it helps him take the easy quick way out by ending it with YOU feeling like the bad guy. He wants himself to feel like or rather look like "well see...see how you act...this is why I dont wanna continue with you, you did it this time" No...no you didn't. Like I said...that marriage home is likely a safe happy spot where all of his heinous behavior and careless behavior is already tolerated. Its easy...he doesn't have to do anything there. For you...for an AP, an OW, a MOW...there is responsibilty to feelings, to actions, theres more accountability...once he's fat and full...he goes back to the cave. I got the sense my xeap maybe felt even an ego boost that I was crying, dying, trying...FOR WHAT? Omg looking back...what if this was my HUSBAND? This jerk slinks back home every time from your love..to more love with her...to love, attention, more love, more attention. GAG me! When your heart finally matches your head you'll see more clearly. In IC I said...flowers are blooming, the sky is blue, the birds are singing...sun shining...but yet I feel like someone turned off the lightswitch to my world. He said turn it back on. I believe we plant our feet inside that dark cloud. We silently subconsciously make our pain a comfortable place to dwell. Ee choose it...it feels very Romeo and Juliette. Id take all the lonely times I isolated myself from fun, music, travel, exercise, getting out and breathing fresh air...Id take all that back. He stole so much time, carefully wrapped me around his finger and systematically ended it. Oh my! What a prize. A manipulator. There was no remorse for the pain. You said sorry...he said..."get lost" Be thankful in this case for the "loss". Hes taken enough! Put your crown back on...forgive YOUR SELF ....now...and get rid of this pity party. You've got a full life to live now...minus married, unavailable baggage! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thank you, privategal. I have blocked him as he told me to, but also for my own sake. Hopefully I can leave him alone now. I have no one else to blame for this but myself Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 It sure does hurt...in the beginning its excruciating. Plus you gotta know it helps him take the easy quick way out by ending it with YOU feeling like the bad guy. He wants himself to feel like or rather look like "well see...see how you act...this is why I dont wanna continue with you, you did it this time" That was exactly his words + "We didn't have to stop contact if you had behaved differently". It messes with my head. And I know I went psycho, so guess he's right Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 That was exactly his words + "We didn't have to stop contact if you had behaved differently". It messes with my head. And I know I went psycho' date=' so guess he's right [/quote'] If that's his reasoning, it's just as fair to say, " And I wouldn't have gone psycho if YOU had behaved differently." Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 This was my breakthrough. I have spent the last 6 days or so to myself. I had a hard time sleeping, could not get to sleep, anxiety or something was keeping me up and I was tossing and turning, even though I was tired. I let my emotional connection to him go and really thought about who he was, what would the reality be of any future with him short and long term. I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted him at all. The reality of who he really is as opposed to what I let my emotions and fantasies make me believe he was, were two completely different men. I am going to go find that fantasy guy in real life. It is not him. I hope you get to this place. There is still pain, but it is so comfy and refreshing. This is what I did. I had to somehow sever the connection. Cause that's the true problem isn't it?? Cutting off that emotional high supply! I thought about what would a future look like with him and it's not a pretty site! I'd never be able to trust him ever!! Who wants to live like that... You must truly look at the reality of the situation and the absolute only way to do this is distance and no contact at all.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 This is what I did. I had to somehow sever the connection. Cause that's the true problem isn't it?? Cutting off that emotional high supply! I thought about what would a future look like with him and it's not a pretty site! I'd never be able to trust him ever!! Who wants to live like that... You must truly look at the reality of the situation and the absolute only way to do this is distance and no contact at all.... I know. And I know I wouldn't/couldn't trust him if we got together. I know what he's able to. I think it's more the fact the he rejected me. That he wanted something or someone else. I feel unlovable. Not good enough. Messed up, needy, pathetic and psycho. Who wants to be with a person like that anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 That was exactly his words + "We didn't have to stop contact if you had behaved differently". It messes with my head. And I know I went psycho' date=' so guess he's right [/quote'] There's the control and subsequent guilt being thrown at you. It's all manipulation to get you to play on his terms. You wouldn't have to worry about contact if he wasn't married. He conveniently forgets that. So many of these situations play themselves out like a domestic violence situation. It's all good when he's in control and you do what he wants. If not, the wrath comes down on you with his biggest weapon....cutting you off. Keep him out of your life. He's toxic and if you ended up with him, this control wouldn't end. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I know. And I know I wouldn't/couldn't trust him if we got together. I know what he's able to. I think it's more the fact the he rejected me. That he wanted something or someone else. I feel unlovable. Not good enough. Messed up, needy, pathetic and psycho. Who wants to be with a person like that anyway... My mm rejected me too so I know that pain all too well. You go from being completely loved and admired and sought after and then one day...boom!! It's gone and you are left to wonder why? What did I do wrong? Why wasn't I good enough? Your self esteem takes a nose dive... I had to reprogram my brain and I convicted myself it's his loss not mine.... He can have his crappy life.... Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I know. And I know I wouldn't/couldn't trust him if we got together. I know what he's able to. I think it's more the fact the he rejected me. That he wanted something or someone else. I feel unlovable. Not good enough. Messed up, needy, pathetic and psycho. Who wants to be with a person like that anyway... Ultimately, it doesn't matter who ended it or who rejected who. The important fact is that it's over and you are free of this toxic creature. And that, my dear, is a fact worth celebrating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I know. And I know I wouldn't/couldn't trust him if we got together. I know what he's able to. I think it's more the fact the he rejected me. That he wanted something or someone else. I feel unlovable. Not good enough. Messed up, needy, pathetic and psycho. Who wants to be with a person like that anyway... he messed with your head, that's why it's so hard to get over him. there is nothing wrong with you, trust me. NOTHING. you've done one fundamental mistake - you've started a fight that you have absolutely no chance of winning. You've selected an unavailable man. That's all there is to it. we tend to overcomplicate life, think, analyse, overanalyse and think some more. It's really easy, most of the times. The basic truth, most of the times, lies in selecting the proper partner. And most of the times, we are very much aware of his inadequacies, yet we go ahead anyway. That's the bug. He's married? Next. He lies to you? Next. He says he doesn't want a RS? Next. He withdraws emotionally? Flag it to him and if he continues, leave instead of sticking around and overinvesting. Rationale. Calm. Cool. If the answer to your question (whichever) takes more than 2 lines, you're not asking the right question. Now, stay strong and try to display a will made out of iron. NO WEAKNESSES. No more contact. Stay strong strong strong. Time will do the hard work. Literally, the only thing you need to do is to never contact him again and do your best to stop thinking and get busy. It's ridiculously easy, if you stay strict. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 oh, and please do cry a LOT, shout, yell, write letters and burn them. LEt everything out. Run a lot to manage the stress and anxiety. Just keep no contact and do your best to evacuate all of the stress and negativity out of yourself, your body and your mind. Externalize !!! It's a painful process, but after that, boy, does it feel good ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I know. And I know I wouldn't/couldn't trust him if we got together. I know what he's able to. I think it's more the fact the he rejected me. That he wanted something or someone else. I feel unlovable. Not good enough. Messed up, needy, pathetic and psycho. Who wants to be with a person like that anyway... That was the hardest for me to deal with to. The rejection part. Even though I'm married and have a husband that loves me, i still had a hard time, with the part that mm rejected sex from me for 9 months. (our A was never exposed) Im 8 years younger then him and his W. She totally let her looks and body go. I am not full of myself AT ALL, but I exercise everyday and take very good care of myself physically. mm looked like Shrek compared to me lol (bald, ugly teeth, etc.) And by him rejecting me, it damaged my self esteem even more than it already was. That he would rather be with HER then someone that looks like ME. I know now how messed up that sounds, but I couldnt help it at the time. I thought this rejection feeling was going to tear me apart. But I've finally accepted it. I dont feel rejected anymore. And I actually feel better about myself, that i don't have to rely on any man, to feel good about myself. You will come to realize that by him wanting to work on his marriage and going NC with you, is a blessing in disguise. Think of all the times he hurt and lied to you. You don't have to deal with this anymore. Yes, he was harsh with you. But you have to let him go. Do not contact him ever again. Go to therapy, work on yourself. Break this addiction. Gain some self worth. You are so much better then this person, you need to realize this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Thank you all for the replies. It means a lot to me I'm feeling ok today. I had hoped he maybe would apologize, but I know it's not gonna happen. Yesterday he kept saying how mean I am and that he didn't deserve that. In his eyes he's good, because he's doing the right thing like letting me go, because he can't give me what I want. And doing the right thing by working on his marriage. If you put it like that...yes, I was mean, and maybe he didn't deserve it. But in the end I'm ok that it's over. And I hope I can be strong now. I know he won't contact me, so it's up to me now. Link to post Share on other sites
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