Big argument, how to manage it constructively

[CTRL C]

So, my long term bf and I just had an argument. And we have not been handling these arguments well in the past so I'm trying to improve on it.

 

I walked out of the bedroom into the living room to find that our very elderly dog had had an accident on the rug. The dog was outside at this moment, which means my bf let the dog out and walked past the accident to the room he was currently in. Anyways, it's late and as I'm dealing with getting the dog (who has mobility issues) in the door I ask why he walked past it.

 

Probably could have opened with a better line, I know. But I'm tired and no one likes cleaning up doggie accidents when they're ready for bed. All he had to do was say I said something hurtful or that I was rude, instead turns into a long rant about me always bitching and having a ****ty attitude. My attempt to calm it, even apologize for my poor choice of words and explain that I simply didn't understand how he missed seeing that, didn't change his tune.

 

I will give him points for actually helping clean up while this is occurring, but i said as calmly as I could that we can argue, he can be mad, but I would not accept him using that term on me because it was disrespectful (my exact words). To which he informed me that I was the first one to be disrespectful and he would use any goddamn word in his vocabulary that he pleased. I replied that all he had to do was TELL me I hurt his feelings but it was not a license to call me names. (But apparently saying "you're acting like a bitch" isn't the same thing as calling someone one so what he said was okay?)

 

I said I'm walking away from this argument, got some grief "because that's all you ever do", and am now hanging out on the couch while he's in bed. I'd like some advice on how to approach this in a few minutes now that we've both chilled out, how to explain in no uncertain terms that I will NOT put up with being spoken to like that, without being super confrontational and without just winding the fight back up. Trying to be more constructive, I suppose, as I give our relationship one last shot.

[Almond_Joy]

Opening line: Tell him you want to be able to work through problems without us attacking each other. If he's starts slinging attacks, repeat we, acknowledge it's a two way street and you're sure there are things you say that hurt his feelings and you want to know what those triggers are BUT him attacking you right now and calling you names is not going to make anything better. Ask him to refrain from doing that for the rest of this conversation.

 

Secondly, you can ask him to clarify what you said that was disrespectful and hurtful to him OR let him know that just because you two are angry at each other, it doesn't give either of you the right to call each names or even direct foul language at each other. Bottom line you do not want to be called a b**** or associated to one in any way. It's unnecessary and doesn't solve anything.

 

If he will share what his triggers are for feeling attacked then you'll have some foundation to work with going forward.

[Almond_Joy]

In respect to this particular situation, explain that if he sees a mess, you expect that he would clean it up instead of walking around it or avoiding it. This is reasonable expectation of another capable adult you are living with. It seems perfectly fine for you to call bs if he says this is a personal attack or you're being s****y because it's not and you aren't. You're stating your expectation and it's perfectly reasonable.

 

If he can't agree to clean up messes when he sees them then you guys need to work out some sort of cleaning schedule/agreement. It won't cover everything but it establishes accountability on his end. If he puts up a fight, let him know it's not fair for him to expect you to clean up everything. You both live there and are capable adults,you are both responsible for keeping the place clean. I literally just had this same argument with my bf this morning. He won't clean consistently amd it enrages me. He's decided to come out of his own pocket and get a maid to cover his share of housework. This is an idea you can suggest to him if he acts like he's lost. But make it clear you're not playing housemaid,he's an adult and he needs to cleanup after himself and the dog just like you.

[beach]

It's not right that he fights in a name calling manner. You can't expect him to change - only you.

 

Are you sure you need to live life this way?

 

First he rude by leaving the accident for you. Then he calls you names?

 

 

That's just wrong.

If he really wants to act childish why not leave him alone to pull that crap on himself? Life is too short to be a partner to someone that mean.

[Almond_Joy]

Last post, I hope this helps!

 

Cleaning is a hot topic in our house and we've both had to be very mindful about the perspective on cleaning we carry. If your bf 's anything like mine, having a clean place is just not a priority for them. it doesn't register as something they need to stay on top of or that's even important to do.

 

It's helped me, when talking about cleaning, to establish and repeat that this is something important to me, and because he's chosen to be with me and live with me, it's something that he needs to make a priority for us to be in a happy relationship.

[angel.eyes]

I ask why he walked past it.

 

Probably could have opened with a better line, I know.

 

A better line?

 

There's a warm pile of poo in the living room. How is it disrespectful to ask the obvious?

 

Name calling, on the other hand, is inappropriate, immature, and disrespectful. It's also a sign that your relationship has gotten pretty dysfunctional...Time to make note of those exit door locations IMO.

[CTRL C]

Well, he says he didn't notice it, which I guess is why he got defensive (sorry, forgot to include that part.) How you miss that, though, is kinda beyond me, but I will take him at his word... but still not a reason for his response. Will probably focus on the disrespect and triggers and then work on cleaning arrangements tomorrow if things go well enough tonight.

 

Beach, I know I can't change him, only myself. Which is why I'm trying to change my approach rather than just demanding he fix his. If he follows suit, great, if not then I'll deal with that.

[angel.eyes]

If your bf 's anything like mine, having a clean place is just not a priority for them. it doesn't register as something they need to stay on top of or that's even important to do.

 

If it were just clutter, I would agree. But poo lying around for days or the week in the middle of your living room is unhygienic.

 

Besides, name calling is destructive.

[wizer]

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you refuse to be spoken to like that and if it happens again you will end the relationship. Be prepared to follow through, if and when it happens, and if it does, tell him it's over.

 

Then walk. If he persists in wanting another chance, you can decide what you want to do, but keep him in limbo for at least a couple of weeks so he knows you're serious.

 

If you ultimately reconcile, make sure he knows he doesn't get anymore chances and again, be prepared to follow through.

[SolG]

Hi OP. I think you should read some Gottman in general, and about his Four Horsemen of Apocalypse (and how to avoid/counter them) in particular.

 

The Four are; criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And all are in your cited scenario. This does not bode well!

 

Have a read and see what you think.

[Thegameoflife]

In my experience, when you come to someone with an attacking tone, you're going to trigger their fight or flight response. People are wired this way.

 

When people approach others in attacking tones, they are looking for submission, or a fight.

 

A better approach is to inquire politely and calmly, and state what action you'd like to see. I would put this into practice by saying sorry for your approach, and then talk about the situation without accusation. You're probably right that he ignored it, but that doesn't create a resolution.

 

In the same instance, he needs to learn to control his knee jerk reaction and ask you to make better approach.

[CTRL C]

So I tried discussing what happened last night. I said it still bothered me and I wanted us to be able to discuss it without an argument so we could learn for the future. Went step by step through the events, but highlights:

 

- He felt attacked by my accusation of him ignoring the mess. He felt disrespected that I would assume the worst of him. I didn't remember accusing but I apologized and agreed to approach things differently next time.

- I explained my distaste of being called names. His response was something to the effect of not understanding BC that's just how I was acting, and he would have accepted me calling him the name in return as well.

- Back and forth over it. Lots of defense, lots of reasons. Eventually I admit I lost my temper and asked him why he seems to put such value on a word, and that I would not put up with it being used on me - I *would* leave. At this point he finally says he understands it bothers me and he doesn't want to hurt me but that's how he talks and sometimes that stuff comes out in the heat of an argument. An apology and a promise to *try* not to do it in the future "but sometimes it just happens."

- Then back and forth about how it seemed my only intent was to focus on his behavior, while ignoring my own, to which I reminded him that my contribution to the argument was the first thing we discussed.

- My explaining that we haven't communicate well in the past and I want to try doing better, that we should both be more attentive to preventing an argument, and instead of "returning fire" let's try to bring things down when we recognize a being argument.

 

We managed not to fight and I think I made it clear what my hard line was on the name calling, but I feel like he wasn't 100% receptive. We'll see though. Thanks for all the adviceadvice

[beach]

Why do you have such a need to stay when your needs haven't been met for a long time - long enough to go looking outside your relationship?

 

He just told you he might fight that way again. You stated previously that was the line you drew in the sand... So why not move and end this relationship that hasn't worked for you for at least 4 years?

[Acacia98]

- He felt attacked by my accusation of him ignoring the mess. He felt disrespected that I would assume the worst of him. I didn't remember accusing but I apologized and agreed to approach things differently next time.

- I explained my distaste of being called names. His response was something to the effect of not understanding BC that's just how I was acting, and he would have accepted me calling him the name in return as well.

- Back and forth over it. Lots of defense, lots of reasons. Eventually I admit I lost my temper and asked him why he seems to put such value on a word, and that I would not put up with it being used on me - I *would* leave. At this point he finally says he understands it bothers me and he doesn't want to hurt me but that's how he talks and sometimes that stuff comes out in the heat of an argument. An apology and a promise to *try* not to do it in the future "but sometimes it just happens."

 

- So he would be receptive to you saying he acted bitchily, but is not receptive to you saying he walked past dog turd? I call BS on that. If he was likely to be receptive to any form of criticism, he would have been receptive to you saying he walked past the poo. And, by the, way, he did walk past it. Whether or not it was deliberate remains to be seen, but if I had to guess, I'd say it was deliberate. The extreme defensiveness is what makes me lean in that direction. That and the fact that poo stinks...

 

-So you apologized for your perceived error right off the bat, but he made you go through an extended battle about his error before ultimately conceding that you might have a point? And even then, you didn't get a firm commitment from him that he'd do better next time? Sounds to me like y'all have one set of standards for you and another for him. I get the feeling you've arrived at the point where you're walking on eggshells to protect his feelings while he enjoys the privilege of stomping all over your feelings and claiming he 'tried.'

[Babs22]

Why do you have such a need to stay when your needs haven't been met for a long time - long enough to go looking outside your relationship?

 

He just told you he might fight that way again. You stated previously that was the line you drew in the sand... So why not move and end this relationship that hasn't worked for you for at least 4 years?

 

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You have not had sex in a long time and this is how he speaks to you? I'm sorry, I don't get it. You are so young to be living this way. Are you just afraid of being alone, because I think you need to move out on your own in order for you both to figure out what you each want. I feel like you are roommates and now you are getting on each others nerves. Don't you want more out of the person you choose for a partner? Do you plan to live the rest of your life without sex? Just wondering.

[CTRL C]

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You have not had sex in a long time and this is how he speaks to you? I'm sorry, I don't get it. You are so young to be living this way. Are you just afraid of being alone, because I think you need to move out on your own in order for you both to figure out what you each want. I feel like you are roommates and now you are getting on each others nerves. Don't you want more out of the person you choose for a partner? Do you plan to live the rest of your life without sex? Just wondering.

 

<-- at myself. A few of these responses are really bringing home the absurdity of it all. Guess I needed a forum to really knock it into my thick head lol.

 

I'm not afraid of being alone though. Maybe afraid of starting over. Not romantically, rather all the stuff and people I'd have to cut ties with because they are through him, not mine independently. LITERALLY reestablishing myself from scratch in the community. I keep feeling I haven't tried enough on my part, I don't like just giving up, and I don't like focusing as if it's a "him" problem. There's two of us and if it's an "us" problem then part of it is me, and I can fix me.

[Fugu]

<-- at myself. A few of these responses are really bringing home the absurdity of it all. Guess I needed a forum to really knock it into my thick head lol.

 

I'm not afraid of being alone though. Maybe afraid of starting over. Not romantically, rather all the stuff and people I'd have to cut ties with because they are through him, not mine independently. LITERALLY reestablishing myself from scratch in the community. I keep feeling I haven't tried enough on my part, I don't like just giving up, and I don't like focusing as if it's a "him" problem. There's two of us and if it's an "us" problem then part of it is me, and I can fix me.

 

I think you have to first establish where you truly see this relationship going in the future. Is it just a matter of indefinite dating and slumbering with nothing more, or is it going to progress to a life together, with possibly children in the future? That's what you need to look at and evaluate seriously.

 

I can tell you that when things get to the point you've described, the relationship is in dangerous territory. Obviously, there's attachment there on some level, maybe a mutual appreciation for yourselves as individuals and the good times you've had together. But there's also a lot of resentment, and probably the feeling in both of you that you two might be better off charting your own course. Those are not good relationship dynamics.

 

If you believe that it's not going to be a long-term relationship, maybe the thing to do is to find a way to peaceably end it somehow. Get out while you still don't resent each other as people. If you believe, however, that there's the possibility for something more, then you will both need to understand how to communicate better.

 

A final thought is that you have to understand the differences between women and men. In this day and age of equality psycho-babble, we have people trying to tell us that there are really no differences, but I'm telling you it's b.s.

 

Men and women communicate differently. As a guy, I totally understand where your man's coming from. He feels like he's being scolded by mommy, which makes him feel less masculine. His outburst is a crude way for him to regain that masculinity. However, it's also a very flawed and immature way to do it. He's lashing out because he hasn't developed the communication skills and emotional intelligence to calm down and communicate like an adult. He needs more development in this area. I think it's something that does tend to get better as you get older and more confident of yourself as a man, but it takes time and experience. You may not have the patience to wait that long.

[beach]

<-- at myself. A few of these responses are really bringing home the absurdity of it all. Guess I needed a forum to really knock it into my thick head lol.

 

I'm not afraid of being alone though. Maybe afraid of starting over. Not romantically, rather all the stuff and people I'd have to cut ties with because they are through him, not mine independently. LITERALLY reestablishing myself from scratch in the community. I keep feeling I haven't tried enough on my part, I don't like just giving up, and I don't like focusing as if it's a "him" problem. There's two of us and if it's an "us" problem then part of it is me, and I can fix me.

 

Are you saying that you are using him for contacts he has? I can't tell... Please clarify...

 

And how do you expect yourself to be totally into him when you have your energy focused on another man?

 

Either you get focused on redirecting your energy to fix what's broken in this relationship that's been inadequate for so long - or you keep participating the same way and accept that it's just less than average in meeting your needs.

 

What do you want to spend your energy doing?

[CTRL C]

Are you saying that you are using him for contacts he has? I can't tell... Please clarify...

 

I'm just saying we do a lot together, it's coincidence it's through him, but it means I'd be leaving a lot of what has been a significant part of my life for quite a while. Using him for contacts? No, either professionally or socially. It was merely an observation.

[serial muse]

Ctrl, it sounds like the only thing keeping you in the relationship is...habit. You've been together a really long time, and he's pretty much all you know of relationships (not counting AP).

 

I think you're just scared to be alone. But that's not a good reason to stay. You've lost respect for each other, you've both clearly got a lot of buried aggression and anger, and there's no truce in future nor a resolution to the nonexistent sex life. I don't know whether you've had any real discussions about that, but the impression you give here is that he's not open to discussing it in a global sense, only giving reasons why he isn't interested that are presumably "in the moment".

 

You're young. You've already kind of given up but haven't yet bitten the bullet and really walked away. Maybe your BF has too. I just don't see a reason for you guys to stay together anymore.

 

Try something new (in the open).