Weight and relationships

[ScotchBeef]

I'll give a brief history to add context. I'm 27, and around about age 21 (when i stopped playing sports) i gradually put on weight. Over the years I reached a high of 267 lbs. Now, i'm a broad guy, and at 6'3 I wear weight quite well. It never had a negative impact on dating (been in many serious relationships and a few casual ones) but something my last gf said made me wonder.

 

She said that she had put on over a stone since we started dating, and its because "people put on weight when they are in love". We broke up in february and I decided to get myself back in shape. I'm about 40lbs lighter and looking the best I have for years.

 

My question is; has anyone found it difficult maintaining weight loss during relationships? I'm confident I have the willpower to stick to what i've been doing (ideally to lose another 20lb) but concerned it may throw up problems, such as avoiding certain things which a future partner might want to do. For example, my ex would get upset if she was ordering take out and I chose not to have any. She felt more comfortable having a "pig-out day" if she had someone else to share the guilt with, I suppose.

 

Anyone else ever had issues with relationships in regards to different fitness/diet regimes?

[d0nnivain]

I put on weight after I got married but my body was also changing due to middle age. I joked that marriage & my beloved husband are fattening & he smiles & says he's just soooo sweet.

 

 

Part of it is contentment. Part of it for me was eating regular meals instead of something small like cheese & crackers. Also as a single person I'd go out dancing at least once per weekend which also stopped.

 

 

Try to find something active you can do together

[newmoon]

yes, i have. i am extremely fit and work out daily. i also eat really well. when i fall in love and get into a very serious relationship i do eat out much more, so weight does increase a bit (no more than 5 pounds, but still, i go up). i also find that my SO drives my schedule a bit, so unless i make time for my workout they will get skipped in favor of being with my boyfriend. and because fitness is not usually their lifestyle it doesn't enter into their mind that i might be busy working out on a night they planned an evening out to a show, or whatever. relationships definitely impact how often i work out, the times i work out shift, and my eating habits do get somewhat worse, because you want to share nice meals and wine and desserts and etc. i always look much better single :-)

[ScotchBeef]

because you want to share nice meals and wine and desserts and etc. i always look much better single :-)

 

Hehe, desserts have always been a weird one with me. I pretty much have no sweet tooth, and thr majority of my ex partners would feel too weird about getting a dessert if I wasn't going to have any.

 

And yeah the workout thing I understand, i usually head out for a run first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. I always feel bad about sliding out of bed at 7am and leaving my partner there, but i find it a lot easier to workout in the morning.

[jay1983]

I think people still caring with they've found someone.

[Grumpybutfun]

My wife weighs exactly the same as when we married and she works hard to keep fit and healthy. We run together and do a lot of activities together. I put on thirty pounds from weightlifting and boxing and I'm in better shape now than when a teenager. We understood as a couple very early that fit bodies and health were something we valued in our relationship so we could continue to enjoy a positive and frequent sex life. I would always love my wife regardless of her weight, but it makes me extremely happy that she cares enough about me and my attraction to her to continue to work at it. I believe she deserves a fit and attractive husband so I also work on it. Now it is just our way of life and something we can do together. The health benefits are also a huge motivator as we want to have a long active life together.

Best,

Grumps

[Ninjainpajamas]

I would say from my quick calculations (being done now)....

 

Please wait...*loading bar*

 

I'd say 4/5 times in relationships women tend to always gain weight while in a relationship, anywhere from 10-20 pounds but a lot of times it can be quite significant...they tend to be at their skinniest when single. And then add more with age and babies.

 

I think many women find it stressful but necessary to maintain their weight while single, but once they got the man not so much anymore, he should just like her the way she is no matter what kind of thing.

 

However, this does not mean they like their men gaining weight, I've noticed and experienced this phenomenon myself...I've seen women be very critical of men's bodies when they gain weight or lose muscle, but seem to give themselves a free pass even though their "situation" was more severe.

 

So don't think that just because she said that to you, she wouldn't have said it to you otherwise, if you were skinnier...your ex gf or whomever that was.

 

1/5 times the man gains more than she does...and that tends to be quite significant.

 

The other half of the time they both gain weight...tends to be moderate to heavy between both partners, like if they're gaining the weight "together"....aww so sweet!

 

But the women that do tend to hold their weight and are into keeping in shape tend to look great even in relationships...but they're less common.

 

Usually married men tend to gain the most weight, I think it's a right of passage to grow your official married guy "pot belly" to hold your beer...but I also notice men more likely to get back into shape and into the gym, at least at some point during the relationship, while women tend to have much more attempts but little success.

 

I'm 6'1 and 205 now, I'm an athletic built guy, I can get away with 10 more pounds on my frame especially in muscle. I weighed up to about 235 or something like that due to a leg injury and being around someone who loved to eat basically, so I ended up eating more often than I regularly would have. You're quite a large guy at 6'3, but you could definitely, most probably...as a guy/man, carry about 235 pounds reasonably well based on your frame, but 270 is quite a lot.

 

You're tall and a "big guy" so honestly women just kind of give you a free pass in that regard.

 

I think the hardest most challenging part of maintaining weight is being with someone who has a completely different lifestyle or eating habits than you do...the person who eats or has the bad habits is 9 times out of 10 going to influence the other person to eat worse, so if you're that person unless you're with someone with solid boundaries you're likely to cause a shift in their weight and eating habits.

 

It's harder to stay disciplined around someone who just has to live their lives surrounded by good food...personally I'd rather have sex or do something fun, but that's just me.

[xxoo]

For example, my ex would get upset if she was ordering take out and I chose not to have any. She felt more comfortable having a "pig-out day" if she had someone else to share the guilt with, I suppose.

 

So she feels guilty. They are called "guilty pleasures" for a reason, and you shouldn't overindulge to relieve her guilt. (You also shouldn't add to her guilt. Just stay out of it altogether.)

 

Have the confidence to stick to your own diet and exercise preferences regardless of what your partner prefers. Some people bend too much to appease a partner, and some partners guilt people into bending too much. Be you, in and out of a relationship. Much healthier in all ways.

 

My weight hasn't changed since we started dating (spanning 17-40s) outside of my pregnancies. There are lots of times that I refuse to eat the crap that my H eats

[carhill]

Oddball perhaps since my exW and I exercised together pretty regularly and both ate a pretty balanced diet while married. Exercise generally was walking and riding bikes since we lived in the country (I still do). These days, only exercise is working on projects and my normal physical labor in the shop handling what I don't use the crane to handle. My weight is nearly exactly the same as when married, perhaps a few pound less and same as high school football weight with definitely more fat and less muscle. Part is aging and part is being a lazy old fart. Antithetically, I felt more ambition to be fit while married than after being married. Oh well.

[mike_89]

For example, my ex would get upset if she was ordering take out and I chose not to have any. She felt more comfortable having a "pig-out day" if she had someone else to share the guilt with, I suppose.

 

Anyone else ever had issues with relationships in regards to different fitness/diet regimes?

Yeah this sounds very familiar. Recently broke up after 2 years and my ex really loved chocolate and all the unhealthy stuff (when eating pasta she wanted tons of pasta and almost no meat/veggies for example). I prefer to eat a ton of meat and veggies and cut back on the pasta and rice, this way I don't get fat. During our relationship she had to eat more healthily because I always cooked the food and did the shopping. She did lose about 4 kg over these 2 years and looked better when we broke up than when we met but she complained often about how I never took her eating habits into account (no more Nutella, aargh!).

I guess when you want to live/eat healthily you need a GF that also wants to live/eat healthily or it'll give friction (or you'd have to cook two different meals).

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm petite, (4' 10") and putting on 5lbs for me, shows a lot more than putting on 5lbs would show on someone 6'4".

 

I was great until I was 26 and became pregnant.

before then, I could eat anyone under the table, and not put on an ounce.

I've heard people talk about 'fast' and 'slow' metabolisms and to be honest, I don't know enough about it to be able to attribute my previous total piggishness to metabolism, but truly, I could eat like a horse and still look as sleek as a thoroughbred. No matter what I shoveled down my throat, and in what quantity, I managed to stay at a steady adult weight of 91lbs.

 

After my 1st child, I found it really difficult to shed the weight.

It took me a long time, and I went from a size 8 (UK) to a size 12, which was a leap. Sometimes, I'd even feel more comfortable in a size 14!

 

Had my second child 7 years later when somehow (without any conscious dieting or specific care) I had managed to get down to a size 10 (again, UK sizing).

 

Now, in my mid/late 50's I'm healthier, fitter and leaner than I have been in a long time. I'm a size 8 - 10.

I'm sticking to the Fast Diet (I've mentioned this elsewhere, so I'm not going to repeat myself ad nauseam) and it's a progressive regime that works really well for me.

 

My H?

 

My H is a type II diabetic, with a tubby tum. He's an apple shape which worries me, and a smoker too, which worries me more.

 

I can't change him, coerce him, shift him, fire a rocket under him, convince him or do anything to make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

 

So I accept that, and carry on regardless.

I'm what matters to me.....

[Els]

Yeah, I agree - I've managed to maintain my weight in my LTR, but it's been a bit of a struggle, especially when you're living with someone with a crazy metabolism and a penchant for good cooking. If I cook what works best for my weight (say, baked cod with veggies and baked potato), there's no way he'll get enough calories, not even if I pile up the baked potatoes for him (and there are only so many baked potatoes a person can eat anyway). And he's used to using liberal quantities of tasty but high-calorie stuff in his cooking - we just had steak pan-seared with butter, deglazed with a red wine reduction, and served with beer-battered wedges and aioli... Not even gonna try to count the calories on that one.

 

I don't know about being able to maintain weight loss in a LTR, especially if your partner doesn't need/want to lose weight - that's way more difficult than maintenance. It would take a lot of compromise and crazy discipline for sure.

[serial muse]

 

Part of it for me was eating regular meals instead of something small like cheese & crackers.

 

Yeah, this; I think this is a significant amount of it. Ninja upthread said something about women more often gaining weight than men in relationships. If true (dunno, it's anecdotal), I'd guess that much of this has to do with eating together. Men, on average - being bigger - can eat more than women, on average, without incurring weight gain. I know that, when single, I generally only ate when I was hungry, and it was sometimes fairly sporadic. Sometimes that meant cereal for dinner because I found it satisfying enough. But when in a relationship that sort of thing doesn't really fly. It requires more effort to be vigilant and be sure to eat smaller portions and not just eat to be eating companionably.

 

Of course there are other motivating factors - less time/inclination to exercise is also a significant chunk of the issue, I would imagine. Together, those two things = "people gain weight when they're in love". It's a real transition that people have to make, and I think there are a lot of subtleties in it.

[Grumpybutfun]

Yeah, this; I think this is a significant amount of it. Ninja upthread said something about women more often gaining weight than men in relationships. If true (dunno, it's anecdotal), I'd guess that much of this has to do with eating together. Men, on average - being bigger - can eat more than women, on average, without incurring weight gain. I know that, when single, I generally only ate when I was hungry, and it was sometimes fairly sporadic. Sometimes that meant cereal for dinner because I found it satisfying enough. But when in a relationship that sort of thing doesn't really fly. It requires more effort to be vigilant and be sure to eat smaller portions and not just eat to be eating companionably.

 

Of course there are other motivating factors - less time/inclination to exercise is also a significant chunk of the issue, I would imagine. Together, those two things = "people gain weight when they're in love". It's a real transition that people have to make, and I think there are a lot of subtleties in it.

 

Good point. I would literally starve on what my wife eats as she is full on three pieces of lettuce and a carrot with a 2oz. piece of fish or chicken. (I'm being slightly facetious here.) When we go out to eat, we just share since she won't eat more than five bites. She munches all day though....whereas I like three big meals and two snacks.

My idiot brother once told me (yes, the same one who divorced his wife when she gained weight) that it is the woman's job to please a man since we are the visual ones. I don't know anyone more visual than my wife. I'm quite objectified!

The subtleties begin with childhood as my wife once told me she would never become like her mother....obese with diabetes. I understand since I vowed to never become a raging alcoholic like my father. We only need to look at our own fears to understand the impact our childhoods have on our own children, yet so many think they are not making the same mistakes. Then those ideas from childhood carries over into adulthood where so many people think happiness means complacency...they made it...they finally got what they wanted.

I'm under no illusion that I would have sex everyday if I was tubby with a beer belly. My wife has standards...and I'm all for making sure I rise to them as they benefit me greatly.

G

[xxoo]

My H and I eat the same portions at meals. Come to think of it, all 4 of us (parents and kids) eat the same portions at meals. The difference may be what we eat between meals.

[S_A]

Hmmm. I always worked out more when in a relationship. GF has also improved her shape since the start of our relationship and we've been together for 4.5 years. I think the idea is trying to look our best for each other.

[introverted1]

My R status has no bearing on my weight. Outside of pregnancy, I've always weighed the same as I did when I graduated from college (and my oldest child is 23, so that was a while ago).

 

I am guessing that people who lose weight to attract a mate are most likely to gain it once they've "landed" that mate, whereas people who maintain their health/weight for their own reasons are more likely to continue to do so.

[autumnnight]

I guess I'm weird..or maybe a bit of an emotional eater?

 

When I am in a really good relationship, I may actually lose weight because I seem to have more energy, be more up, or whatever. Maybe it's the endorphines lol.

 

The sadder my marriage got, the lonelier I got, the more of a slug I became. I lost weight after I decided to end it, and I also didn't have to take as high a dose of antidepressants. My anxiety faded too.

[elaine567]

The sadder my marriage got, the lonelier I got, the more of a slug I became. I lost weight after I decided to end it, and I also didn't have to take as high a dose of antidepressants. My anxiety faded too.

 

I guess a lot of "comfort eating" goes on in relationships even those that on the surface appear happy.

[Els]

Yeah, this; I think this is a significant amount of it. Ninja upthread said something about women more often gaining weight than men in relationships. If true (dunno, it's anecdotal), I'd guess that much of this has to do with eating together. Men, on average - being bigger - can eat more than women, on average, without incurring weight gain. I know that, when single, I generally only ate when I was hungry, and it was sometimes fairly sporadic. Sometimes that meant cereal for dinner because I found it satisfying enough. But when in a relationship that sort of thing doesn't really fly. It requires more effort to be vigilant and be sure to eat smaller portions and not just eat to be eating companionably.

 

Right. Plus there's the whole optical illusion thing - something looks smaller when it is next to something that's much bigger. My portions look okay when I'm eating by myself, but next to my SO's they look really, really tiny! Men generally have higher BMR than women, but in our case the difference is even more stark. Frankly I have no idea where all his calories go - he frequently eats 1000 kcal dinners and still has visible abs. It's not like he goes to the gym, either.

[autumnnight]

I guess a lot of "comfort eating" goes on in relationships even those that on the surface appear happy.

 

This may be overly simplistic. but sex and intimacy are needs and appetites just like food. I think I basically replaced the non-existent need/appetite with one I could at least go to the grocery store and buy