Sunnies002 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I'll start off by letting you know, I'm a probably one of the most insecure, most jealous, paranoid people you will meet. I've been hurt plenty of times. I also suffer from OCD (mostly obsessive/intrusive thoughts) I met my boyfriend 7 months ago. From the get-go, I told myself "he would never cheat on me" but just like I knew would happen, I became paranoid that he was cheating... At first he didn't put up with it, telling me that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life always having to prove himself. About 3 months ago he showed signs of "giving in" like most of my boyfriends end up doing. (Yes, I am extremely ashamed of this) As of now, he basically allows himself to be available at all times. He leaves his phone out and unlocked in case I felt the need to look at it. He doesn't go out with friends. He takes me to all family events, all his friends know me, and he no longer has any girl friends. He even texts me all day on his day off (never taking more than 5 mins to text back...wow) the more I write this the more I realize how big of a piece of **** I am.. anyways... Here's where my anxiety won't let things go.. About 2 months ago I found a blonde curly hair hanging from his shirt. I picked it off, laughed it off, and we went about our day. 2-4 weeks later, I found a blonde curly hair woven into our bed spread. Just yesterday I pulled one out of his passenger seat of his car. It was deeply woven in as well. I will add, he had a fling with a mutual friend a couple months before we met. She has been in his house, in his bed, and in his car. She had hair matching this exact same ones i found. I've been going absolutely crazy and losing sleep over this stupid ****. Could it be from an old fling? Or am I in a world of hurt? Any advice would help. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I actually think they're old. To be honest, if he's being this transparent and open with you and making sure as much as he damn well can that you know everything about him at all times - it's really going to be very difficult for him to do anything that would even arouse suspicion, don't you think? Breathe. Until you find something far more concrete than the odd occasional hair, it's too much to make that leap. Do you know whether he has any other friends or relatives with long blonde hair? I found several blonde hairs on my husbands jacket, once. Turned out they were from a Golden retriever! Try to breathe and calm down. He obviously cares enough about you to make the efforts he's making, so be nice... Are you under a specialist/therapist for your OCD? If not, do you think it would be an appropriate thing to consider? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I do think you need some kind of therapy for these obsessive, jealous thoughts. You're verging on, if not actually emotionally abusive to your boyfriend. You're controlling him and encouraging him to modify his behaviour to try and appease you. That's the sign of an incredibly unhealthy relationship, not only are you emotionally abusing your partners, you're pushing them away to the extent that most healthy men wouldn't stand for this. You really need to sort this out. The hairs? They could be anyone's, but it's a further sign of your emotional problems that you're obsessing so much over finding hairs. Hairs can come from anywhere and travel with us before they fall off. However, I will say... the more you accuse him of cheating or doubt him, the more likely he is to eventually cheat. If he's getting accused of it constantly, why not actually get the benefits of doing it to make the hassle worthwhile? If he wants to cheat he'll find a way, no matter how much you try and monitor everything. Anyone can get a spare phone, use a different messaging app, only talk to someone in person, you're not a prison officer and don't know where he is 24/7. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnies002 Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thank you so much for your reply! And i figured that too.. But of course my mind leads me everywhere.. I start thinking about things that could be remotely odd. I want to think I'm crazy (which I do know I'm off my rocker a bit) but I always end up convincing myself that there's a reason those hairs are there. And I am not currently seeing a specialist but I'm looking deep into it. Constantly obsessing can literally ruin your life. But advice like your's makes it a little easier to manage. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Wow that is quite a conundrum. First, I applaud you for realizing that you thoughts may be leading to problems. It is very hard for us to realize things such as this as its always so much more easy to blame everyone else for falling short of our expectations. I am sure this has had a terrible effect on your relationships in the past. That being said, I do urge you to follow up and get some professional therapy. I would also agree with the other posters who felt the hairs may be old. It's very easy to connect dots where none exist. If your BF is bending over backwards to be as transparent as possible, then you have someone who cares for you quite a bit. Just please seek help before your BF begins to feel there is no benefit to continue in the relationship. Nothing gives more spark to someone straying than them feeling like their efforts are being wasted on someone who does not appreciate them. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 TBH you should seek out better therapy for your OCD. I hear exposure therapy can be very effective.....it retrains your brain. Better than taking a bunch of drugs that will only work for a short time. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 I think it's also extremely honourable of you if you advise your BF that you believe you have a problem, you believe it seriously jeopardises your potential to grow in this relationship, and jeopardises his affection for you. You realise you have a problem. Well, maybe even a couple. You would appreciate his understanding and support, and you're sorry if this has messed with his mind, but you'll work on it, and you hope he will stick by you while you do. But if he ever cheats, you'll feed him his trouser-buddy for breakfast. Sunny side up. (I was kidding with the last bit.) (It's better sauteed..... ) Seriously though - talk it over with him. It's the best way ever to maintain good communication and openness.... Link to post Share on other sites
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