being overprotected as a child causes many things

[SerCay]

Because I was overprotected as a child, I never had self confidence. This resulted in me getting into co-dependent relationships until the age of about 26. Right about that time I started to do research about self confidence and all other related psychological issues such as co-dependency. I had to reinvent myself, build self esteem, learn to set boundaries. All things that a child in a healthy environment would have learned earlier.

 

I was wondering whether any of you had to reinvent and build self esteem at an older age because of any childhood issues? If yes, because of what, and how did you find out?

[Tayla]

sorry to read your challenge of over protection. It does have a stifling effect, you verified.

 

While I had various role models in life, it was by far the prince and the pauper life growing up. Lived in poverty and lived in elite homes with private education. Had physical abuse ... and had moments of genuine family love. naturally it impacted decisions and left a nomads attitude of not belonging.

 

Part that amazes me is how we make the choice to improve or change... that has been a marveling thing that we didn't have a choice then... survival was needed. Yet change lets us survive, live and lean on others to get thru. May your journey bring you acceptance.

[SpiralOut]

 

I was wondering whether any of you had to reinvent and build self esteem at an older age because of any childhood issues? If yes, because of what, and how did you find out?

 

 

Yes. My mother is a narcissist. She often belittled me and bullied me and said many things to damage my self esteem.

 

 

I found out that my childhood was abnormal around the time I had issues with a woman at work. I was 27 years old. The way that she treated me was nasty and rude and bizarre. In fact one of the first threads I started on LS was regarding that issue. Over time, I came to realize that her behaviour was similar to my mother's behaviour. I had come to ignore/overlook that behaviour in my mother, but seeing it in a stranger, I couldn't ignore it. Something clicked in my head one day and that was it.

[anika99]

Yes, I had a control freak stepfather. He started out as a junkie and then became an insane born again Christian. I wasn't ever allowed to speak up for myself or express my feelings, ideas or thoughts. If he didn't like the look on my face I'd get punished. At sixteen I ran away from home and never went back but I didn't know the first thing about taking care of myself. I had no self confidence and allowed other people to make my decisions and to mistreat me. I didn't know how to think for myself because thinking for one's self was not allowed at home.

 

 

I just learned through the school of hard knocks I guess. Through out my twenties I got involved in one bad relationship after another. Never thought I deserved better than the creeps who were always happy to take over my life while treating me with contempt and disrespect. I started to wise up at around the age of 30 and slowly started becoming a better stronger person but it was still a long road to change.

[Quiet Storm]

My parents were very dysfunctional, my dad an addict and alcoholic, and it felt like my mom was more worried about his level of fckedupness and where the $$ went than she was about us. I wasn't overprotected, it just seemed like they didn't care. We were also very poor most of the time. I was a smart kid and knew they weren't normal. I was like Matilda. To escape I'd go to the library, or go pet the dogs around my neighborhood.

 

I met my husband at 15 and his family was loving and normal. They became my model for what I wanted my family to be like. Even though I'd always known my parents weren't normal, his family showed me how a healthy family operates.

 

Now that I'm older, I no longer take my parents actions personally. They were products of their own environments, affected by their own family's dysfunction and abuse. I understand now, and I forgive them.

[SammySammy]

Good thread. I do believe your childhood can have a great impact on your life.

Edited July 15, 2015 by MidKnightDreams

[SerCay]

The stories actually bring tears to my eyes...it's so weird indeed, how childhood influences our life...

 

Anika especially what you said..I guess I will be fully myself around the age of 30 as well..

 

What I notice now, is that it takes time, a lot of time. Every time I think, ok I'm there, something happens and I realize I'm still at the start of "healing" or "finding myself"...

[Radu]

I was wondering whether any of you had to reinvent and build self esteem at an older age because of any childhood issues? If yes, because of what, and how did you find out?

 

Yes.

I figured out i had a major problem around 28 after my dad died.

I started looking back in time and realized how i got there and why.

I'm now 32 and still working on it, much better.

 

To give you an idea ...

I spent 5-7 at my grandparents, my grandfather was physically and emotionally abusive. After that i spent many summers there [hated them in part too].

School teacher, 7-11 was also very abusive and i was one of the designated 'bad' children, shown as an example.

Did not help that most back then were skinny and i was the token fat boy, 1:50 was fat during those times [i was trying to lose weight, exercising, i had some medical problems].

After her, another 4yrs with the same class ... somewhat better but still bad.

 

After that, everything went downhill. HS i was closed off and i was convinced that nobody liked me [i was the fat quiet guy that had very few friends].

College was ok, i did not date until 25 ... so you can imagine the problems there.

I dropped out of college with just a few classes remaining.

Took a minimum paying job in IT, and lost myself in online gaming.

I had some relationships past 25, but they were lousy, abusive.

When i was 28 and i had my moment of 'it can't get any lousier', outside of work i never got out of the house, i always shopped after dark, never made eye contact with anyone, nor could i hold a conversation that did not involve IT where i had some measure of self-confidence.

 

I started with PUA stuff and quickly [like in weeks] discovered it was a bigger thing, about improving your relationships with everyone ... so i focused on that since i wanted it more badly.

I did not want a coat of paint on a rickety structure, but to replace and repair the internal structure.

 

PS: Never read The Game and i think Mystery is a blithering id*ot.

[preraph]

This is where parents who give their kids everything or do everything for them or protect them from being criticized or corrected really screw up, because self-confidence comes from achieving things for yourself, not from someone doing it for you, and from experience, not the lack of it.

 

I had some confidence when young because I was very autonomous and not at all over-watched or over-protected. In fact these days, someone would call my mother negligent and report her to CPS because she didn't stay on top of me all day, but I disagree. I had freedom to roam and explore and a pretty safe environment to do that in. And guess what? Kids can't develop a sense of who is bad unless they encounter some bad traits in someone and recognize the potential.

 

My self-esteem got torn down in middle school from teasing and bullying. I put up defenses, but I still have my home life of riding horses and scooters alone or with friends to maintain my foundation so that instead of feeling worthless, I felt those who picked on me were the worthless ones.

 

Still I had to build up some self-esteem and take down some of the defenses to get along as an adult, and I found that best accomplished by doing what I really enjoyed and pursuing that and being good at it and also from being able to make it living alone and being successful at that. So I recommend living on your own and doing for yourself and feeling the reward that brings. Then that will make you stronger for any future relationships as well because you won't stay with someone who's no good out of desperation and fear.

[SerCay]

So I recommend living on your own and doing for yourself and feeling the reward that brings. Then that will make you stronger for any future relationships as well because you won't stay with someone who's no good out of desperation and fear.

 

Exactly this. It's true. My desperation because of my lack of self confidence caused me to stay with my ex so long. secondly, my parents' dysfunctional relationship, made me believe it was normal to have such a relationship. 3. Because I was so overprotected, I never knew what my own boundaries were, so I was stepped on all the time by my ex. and last but not least, 4. societal pressure to be in a relationship and to be married at a certain point.

[preraph]

Well, you have some personal challenges to work through, but you're a smart and insightful person as evidenced by your posts and it will just take some time and introspection to wade through it all. You'll find that once you're on your own without other influences, who you are comes clearly into the light and it's easier to sort out and see yourself more clearly and then reflect and work on that. And there is always some self-discipline involved, because we can know why we do what we do and it won't automatically make us stop doing it. We have to resolve to not just act impulsively and put some thought into things before we act on them. That was always very hard for me!!!

[autumnnight]

I think it depends on whether it was just general overprotectiveness or control too. My parents were very protective. It took them a long time to have children, and so they were worrywarts That sometimes cramped my style, but I think mostly it made me feel loved.

 

The thing that was damaging was the control. It was never come out and said that dissenting was not allowed...but it was clearly understood. Down to clothing preferences or anything else. If Mom held up a dress at the department store, I could not say I didn't like it. She held it up, and so that meant she liked it. End of story. There was one way to think, one way to answer, one way to feel, one way to achieve. There was one path. Period. And while you couldn't put your finger on it, you just knew that something....terrible and lonely and shameful was "out there" ready to stain you should you dissent. Guilt, twisting of words, and never apologies. Never. "I'm sorry you were so hurt" was the closest there ever was...because they were absolutely right.

 

I've gotten better, but I trigger and bristle like crazy when I encounter cookie cutter, one-way, robotic demand of absolute compliance, or when I allow myself to get sucked into a discussion or debate where someone is incapable of being wrong or seeing any viewpoint other than their own.