Abusive girlfriend left me. I feel deeply depressed and need !

[pillowpuffs]

Maybe because it's going to suck living in that basement. Think about it.

 

While I would like to see the good in people, I couldn't help but feel the same way as written above especially after the two of you were supposed to move in together.

 

That being said, she could truly love you and miss you and want to be with you, but who knows for sure? Some people are horribly selfish. I would meet up for coffee with your ex if I were you.. Good luck on whatever you choose though!

[LoveMachine67]

Now that she's had HER fun trip, and it's coming to an end, she's looking to reestablish her free ride and or once again make you her doormat.

 

As bad as you may be tempted, do not break NC. You said it yourself, she treated you like sh*t and put you through "hell". Do you honestly believe that will change?

 

She's will only drag you down if you take her back.

[Gus Grimly]

She's will only drag you down if you take her back.

 

Did you read his original post? She's a real Academy Award Winner.

[FancyFace]

I think she just wants a place to stay when she gets back.

 

Don't respond!

[LoveMachine67]

Did you read his original post? She's a real Academy Award Winner.

 

Yes I did when it was posted, and it's been difficult to comprehend OP putting up with her crap for as long as he did.

 

Not breaking NC should be a "slam dunk" in this case.

Edited July 17, 2015 by LoveMachine67
Missing word

[ahall1701]

Thanks for your continued support all. This really helps clear my head. Since she's been out of my life I've gotten a different new car (Ford Fusion Ecoboost), gotten set up in a nice new place (far away from her) in town and filled up my bank account lol. I went to the doctors office and she said it was situational depression due to the massive amount of stress amd anxiety she caused. I'm now on a medicine regiment and am slowly beginning to feel like myself again. I've also started seeing a therapist to help me learn why I put up with this crap for as long as I did so I can avoid future women like this. I agree, that message seemed very selfish. I couldn't believe the fight for me comment considering that she's the one who left and I didn't treat anyone badly. She however, has some real issues. Hopefully she doesn't show up at my parents house looking for me... straight outa the Twilight Zone. Thanks everyone.

[ahall1701]

...."You never faught (sic) for me?"

 

Oh, so now it's your fault this has gone as it has?

 

That's what I was thinking also. It's unbelievable how people won't accept responsibility for their behavior... not my fault she left. I was the adult. She'll just have to suck noodles.

 

Thanks

[LoveMachine67]

Thanks for your continued support all. This really helps clear my head. Since she's been out of my life I've gotten a different new car (Ford Fusion Ecoboost), gotten set up in a nice new place (far away from her) in town and filled up my bank account lol. I went to the doctors office and she said it was situational depression due to the massive amount of stress amd anxiety she caused. I'm now on a medicine regiment and am slowly beginning to feel like myself again. I've also started seeing a therapist to help me learn why I put up with this crap for as long as I did so I can avoid future women like this. I agree, that message seemed very selfish. I couldn't believe the fight for me comment considering that she's the one who left and I didn't treat anyone badly. She however, has some real issues. Hopefully she doesn't show up at my parents house looking for me... straight outa the Twilight Zone. Thanks everyone.

 

 

She WILL show up.

 

Leave your parents very clear instructions on how to deal with her when she shows up.

 

Be prepared for her to resort to crying begging to get you to take her back. When that fails, she will probably turn mean.

[ahall1701]

She WILL show up.

 

Leave your parents very clear instructions on how to deal with her when she shows up.

 

Be prepared for her to resort to crying begging to get you to take her back. When that fails, she will probably turn mean.

 

Oh boy...

 

 

Well after all she put me through my parents don't like her much. They used to. I don't see it going well for her if my dad answers the door. I'll have to explain to them to be as civil as possible to avoid further conflict.

[Felicite]

I read your BU story and all I can say is I admire you and the way you handled the situation, especially considering the fact that you were at a depressed state during this time.

I also agree that you should not reply to this girl, she seemed completely *****d up and whatever you did would not be enough to please her, or stop these freaky fits she went in to.

 

I have dealt with this kind of drama emotional crazed people in the past, and whatever you do to try to help, they turn it against you and project their own problems on you.

You get stuck in a sick situation, and you almost forget what it’s like to be in a normal state.

Focus on yourself, try to be well and move on. Being depressed and heartbroken sucks, I understand, you can’t do anything no matter how normal or routinely it is.

 

I hope she doesn’t turn up because, because if she does, expect a dramatic performance (you can always hire a movie crew to film, but on second thought, not worth it )

Edited July 17, 2015 by Felicite

[pidgeon1010]

You have done a great job moving on after the breakup. Kudos and best wishes. The girl is TOXIC and I can't believe (but maybe I can) she contacted you again. I am also skeptical of her intentions. I think reality is starting to sink in on what awaits her when she gets back and she wants to weasel her way back into comfort at your expense. Don't fall for it. I don't think this is the last you have heard from her though..:

[aloneinaz]

Let me tell you from experience.. My last ex I'm sure suffered from Borderline Disorder. She put me thru hell for over a year cuz I was too stupid to run. I finally reached the point of ENOUGH after her breaking up w/me again.

 

 

I went hardcore NC and vanished from her life, healed and moved onto a normal, mentally healthy GF that lives with me now after 2 years together. 6 months after she ended us, she reappeared. Her rebound relationship had failed miserably and ONE WEEK later, she contacted me. Oh, the holiday season was coming up too. Hum.. think she didn't want to be alone thru it??

 

 

Here's what she did-

 

 

1) stopped by my home. I was napping, heard the bell but didn't get up thinking it was a solicitor.

2) Next night, sent a long, apologetic text. I ignored her.

3) Two weeks later, she send a long email stating she was trying to reach me. She apologized all over herself, said all our problems were on her, missed me, blah, blah.. I ignored her again.

4) She emailed again and my GF got pissed off. She asked me to reply and tell her I was in a happy, loving R/S and good luck..

 

 

She kept emailing off/on over the next few months and I ignored her. She was a selfish, damaged, toxic woman. I'd NEVER date her or anyone who demonstrated 1/3 of her issues again.

 

 

Life is way too short to let a-holes like her stay in our lives. I hope your ex comes home in lives in a van down by the river, eating peanut butter and noodles while being miserable.

[ahall1701]

 

Life is way too short to let a-holes like her stay in our lives. I hope your ex comes home in lives in a van down by the river, eating peanut butter and noodles while being miserable.

 

 

This made me laugh, hard. Thank you for such good personal advise. She really put me through the gauntlet. 2 months out and I'm just starting to feel better, medication helps and these forums do wonders so thanks again.

[pillowpuffs]

Sorry I mentioned earlier that maybe you should meet up for coffee with her after that message she sent but I hadn't read the backdrop to your story. I have now and agree with everyone that you should not break NC!! Stay strong, you sound like you'll be okay and I'm happy you've come so far!

[ahall1701]

Here's the original feed about my relationship everyone.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/537729-abusive-girlfriend-left-me-i-feel-deeply-depressed-need

 

Ok here goes...

 

Today my ex gf showed up at my job at the hospital while I was working. Her eyes were glazed over and she was very timid. I was stunned. She said hi and I returned a reserved hello. I was ambushed by her arrival. I was busy with patients and suddenly my ex just walks in. I asked what she was doing at my job and she said "I'm trying to fix the biggest mistake of my life." She asked if I could talk. I said that I didn't think it was a good idea. She asked again and I said I don't think this is the place. Finally I reluctantly agreed after the third request she made.

 

We walked to a separate quite wing of the hospital and I let her speak. I listened. She said her trip was a waste because I wasn't with her, that she thought about me every day. She went with a friend of hers and said she was gone too long. 17 days...

 

She said she made a huge mistake, that it was wrong for her to push her religion on me and that she would not do it anymore. She kept saying I love you. She said "I want a life with you and want to marry you."

 

She said that the time apart made her realize how much she needed, loved me. She said she wanted me for who I am. She proceeded to say that she ****ed up severely and that she was so scared of facing the real world it caused her to have a breakdown. She said it was a wake-up call and that she doesn't have anything else to do with the group of church people.

 

I continued to listen.

 

She said that I didn't do anything wrong, that her behavior was horrible and she has and will continue to work on her issues and anger. She said she knew that I am her soulmate. She apologized for her bad behavior and treating me poorly.

 

Then I began to talk.

 

I told her my trust was shattered. I said "I don't know if I can do this again." I asked her about all the times I wrote about in my first post. The drinking, dismissive behavior, flirting, rage and leaving. She told me she hasn't had a drink since the night I became upset with her. She said she realized how she was being regarding flirting and understood how that upset me and told me that was wrong and that she was called out by her friend who said she was acting like a whore even though she didn’t realize it, she said. She said she didn't really realize her behavior was bad regarding her interactions with men but now realizes how that hurt me and made her look. She also told me she knows she has an anger problem and is working on it and wants to be free from it. I told her she needed professional help. Especially if she wants a positive future and life.

 

She told me her parents were very upset with her for leaving me and treating me so poorly. Her cousin and her cousins husband that went with us on a vacation last October also called her out on her reckless behavior and poor treatment.

 

She essentially told me she was afraid of the real world and had bad anxiety and it caused a "freak out." She said she will work for as long as it takes to regain my trust and do whatever it takes.

 

Mostly I listened. She asked where I moved to, I didn't say. I told her I needed to get back to work. As soon as I got up she jumped up and hugged me for a little bit. I just kinda stood there. She asked if she could take me on a date. I said no. She asked if she could call me. I said no and that I needed time. Then I left to get back to the ER.

 

My mom told me she came by my parents place and she spoke to my ex about her anger, her religion and behavior. My mom was polite and direct. She told my ex that she needs professional therapy if she wants a full and happy life. Then she wished her good luck and my ex left.

 

Then she called my best friend and apologized to him about how she was and how she treated me. My friend said ok and got off the phone as quickly as possible.

 

I was irritated that she did all of that after she left with my parents and friends.

 

Everyone, I'm just emotionally exhausted and could use some very good advise. I haven't tried to contact her. I've been doing my regular daily activities. Work, working out, etc.

 

I still have such strong feelings for her but I'm trying so hard to not let it cloud my judgment.

[goldway90]

She was abusive, she'll never change. cut her out of your life and stop contacting her. Don't fall into the trap again.

[aloneinaz]

She sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I think YOU know what the correct course of action is. Having delt with a similar, damaged GF, I could only offer you to NOT consider any R/S with her. Not as a GF nor friend.

 

 

My Mom always told me "people DON'T change"! My crazy ex didn't and won't. They have a mental illness and w/out heavy therapy, their lives are not going to be very happy. These people live for drama and chaos in their lives.

 

 

I'd continue to stay NC w/her and ignore any further attempts on her part to talk to you. She'll move on eventually and make some new guys life a living hell. Focus on you're continued healing and moving onto someone mentally healthy.

[TaraMaiden2]

Actually, (and I can't believe I am saying this) according to the NC Guide, the one and only time you should listen when your ex contacts you - is when you ex has done exactly what she did.

 

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is: Why are they contacting you?

If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them.

 

Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

 

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

 

The only thing you should actually ever respond to is a clear and absolutely unequivocal signal, from them that they desperately love you and would do anything to be able to try again.

Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone.

.....

 

I don't blame you for being reluctant and cautious, but even prisoners get given parole sometimes, and some of them have committed pretty evil crimes...

 

It's up to you - and you get to lay down the ground-rules - but I think she means it.

 

Look at everything she has done to remedy the situation, and make amends and build bridges.

 

It almost sounds like part of the AA programme of reconciliation with one's past. The required apology.

And that is a big step for anyone to take, AA or no AA.

 

Think about it for a while.

Life is one huge risk.

 

Ask yourself whether this tentative second try is a risk worth taking?

As I said, she is going to have to prove an awful lot to you, and rightly so.

 

But it might just be worth it....

[frigginlost]

Actually, (and I can't believe I am saying this) according to the NC Guide, the one and only time you should listen when your ex contacts you - is when you ex has done exactly what she did.

 

 

 

I don't blame you for being reluctant and cautious, but even prisoners get given parole sometimes, and some of them have committed pretty evil crimes...

 

It's up to you - and you get to lay down the ground-rules - but I think she means it.

 

Look at everything she has done to remedy the situation, and make amends and build bridges.

 

It almost sounds like part of the AA programme of reconciliation with one's past. The required apology.

And that is a big step for anyone to take, AA or no AA.

 

Think about it for a while.

Life is one huge risk.

 

Ask yourself whether this tentative second try is a risk worth taking?

As I said, she is going to have to prove an awful lot to you, and rightly so.

 

But it might just be worth it....

 

 

Agreed.

 

If she does indeed have BPD (confirmed!) then I would think that you have some serious, serious, thinking to do. That is a hell of ride to go through, and more often than not, it's not worth it...

 

I will give her major respect for the steps she has taken with you. I was with a BPD girlfriend, and she *never* went to those extremes to get me back (she did take steps, but never to that degree). I'm not sure your ex is BPD...

 

You are absolutely on the money about backing away for a little bit. You need that.

 

If it where I, I would slowly, slowly, see where it heads. If she indeed does have BPD it's going to show itself rather quickly. She will start to get frustrated and trigger her abandonment feelings. If she stays on the straight and narrow knowing that she needs to follow your lead... it might be worth it.

[StrangerThanFiction]

The reason she's coming back is because she's afraid of facing the real world on her own and wants you to look after her. She treated you like absolute garbage, dude. If you take her back, things might be hunky-dory for a week or a month but at some point she's going to revert back to treating you the same way she did before. By taking her back that'll show that she can treat you that way with zero consequences. You deserve better. Cut her crazy butt out of your life and tell her to stop harassing your friends and family!

[SpokenFor]

I've read the threads and sympathize with you -- she is not happy with herself and is desperately seeking someone or something to make her happy. "Spiritual" journeys with church folks, binge sluttishness in clubs, and now an expensive journey to Europe.

 

She does seem to gained a glimmer of awareness. Wherever she goes and however she acts, she cannot escape herself and her unhappiness.

 

You know better than us what she could bring to your life (that is, in a positive way, your posts show the negatives are pretty clear...). You have to ask yourself whether you want to be with her unless she first does the work to find out why she is unhappy and deal with it. I guess you could stand by her while she does the work, again not sure exactly why you would.

 

Trust me, the most important life lesson I has learned is that you cannot "make" another person happy.

[Diezel]

If you get back with her, all you are telling her is that everything she did to you in the past is "okay behavior" and then she'll eventually do it again.

[coryreply]

Wow. I can't believe she showed up at your work and laid it all there like that. How long have you guys been broken up?

[ahall1701]

We've been broken up for just over 2 months. She tried calling me once before after two weeks apart. Then she called twice in europe. I ignored her on all three accounts.

[ahall1701]

Idk what to think right now, I'm going to take as long as I need to figure out what is going on. The girl needs help but it's not my job to lead her to a therapist.