mightycpa Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 The worst part is that she didn't see anything wrong with going with her guy friend. Of course I'd be ok with you going with a older man who admitted to you he had an attraction to you. Sure, he installs windows for a living. He seems like a real winner. Dude is beyond strange. He's very short and has a drinking problem. She is so naive with her thinking. It's mind boggling. This guy only drinks, that's all I've ever seen him do. I'm so ANGRY and I am trying to keep a level head. Basically I feel replaced for a pile of **** regarding that trip. Am I right thinking that it bothers me the way it does? I'm a little lost... are you just venting or are you still considering being with her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 My ex did in fact start to triangulate but I did not wait around for any love bombing and it never happened. The friend I speak of with BPD has never shown any triangulation or love bombing and I have known her for 15 years.... She never returned to an ex. I always thought "ex-recyling" was a symptom of something else. Friggin, thank you for the kind words. As to the above statement, I suspect that the primary reason you never saw "ex-recyling" in those two BPDers -- as I did with my exW -- is that you date much younger women than I. When women are young, they have far more choices for other men -- and thus may have a ready opportunity to abandon their former partner permanently. Generally, however, ex-recycling is very common for BPDers. As you know, a hallmark of BPDer relationships is the push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle which you discuss in one of your posts. BPDers typically go through at least several full breakup/makeup cycles before eventually walking away for good. Significantly, these are not just fights or temper tantrums but, rather, full-blown breakups. A recent poll at BPDfamily, for example, found that 75% of BPDer relationships go through three complete breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending for good. Moreover, nearly 40% of BPDer relationships go through at least six breakup/makeup cycles and 21% experience ten or more such cycles before ending permanently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I'm a little lost... are you just venting or are you still considering being with her? I'm lost as well, especially at some of the advice in support of giving her another chance. Link to post Share on other sites
goldway90 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 The guy sounds like he's codependent, adding the chaos and emotional abuse he went through with the unstable ex ( BDP or not), therapy is really needed, no Internet forum will really help honestly. I mean codependency+ Trauma bonding = Super mega mess that must be addressed by a professional 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Friggin, thank you for the kind words. As to the above statement, I suspect that the primary reason you never saw "ex-recyling" in those two BPDers -- as I did with my exW -- is that you date much younger women than I. When women are young, they have far more choices for other men -- and thus may have a ready opportunity to abandon their former partner permanently. Generally, however, ex-recycling is very common for BPDers. As you know, a hallmark of BPDer relationships is the push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle which you discuss in one of your posts. BPDers typically go through at least several full breakup/makeup cycles before eventually walking away for good. Significantly, these are not just fights or temper tantrums but, rather, full-blown breakups. A recent poll at BPDfamily, for example, found that 75% of BPDer relationships go through three complete breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending for good. Moreover, nearly 40% of BPDer relationships go through at least six breakup/makeup cycles and 21% experience ten or more such cycles before ending permanently. OMG.. Don't I feel stupid about what I put up with.. Let me count, hum.. I think my ex BPD gal and I had at least 4 break ups during our "enjoyable" 1.5 years. Most where a couple of weeks but one was a month. Ironically, each reconciliation toward the end was shorter and shorter. I guess people get why I'm not a fan of reconciliations? 1/2 the time she'd come back and 1/2 the time I'd come back. When she broke up with me the last and final time, I was F'ing DONE! I knew there was something wrong WE ME that I stayed w/her chaos as long as I did. Downtown, again, you're right on the money with the push away, pull you back as well. She was pretty persistent in trying to get me back when she reappeared 6 months after ending it and not hearing one thing from me. Even after she knew I had a GF, she kept trying different angles to get me to engage with her. I think the OP is really wavering on what to do despite the great advice being provided to him. My Dad had an expression "Dam it son, I've already bought that ground".. It would appear the OP wants to buy it as well. Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Thank you all for your continued support. I wish this was easier. I though I was really moving past this then BANG, she's back. Now all of those feeling of affection and love are getting mixed into my logical thinking. I need time to process all of these feelings. I told her that I needed time. She said all she could think about in europe was me. If that's the case then why go without me? Pride? Because she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. It's easy for her to say she misses you after the fact 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Of course you will be fine. But may I ask why you even want her back? Comfort? Familiarity? I know you love her and care about her. But it doesn't sound like she made you very happy. In the end don't we all just went to be happy? Come home to someone who makes our day a little bit better? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Yeah, I'm really not sure what you really strive to go back to. This girl was terrible to you. Not sure what you are trying to salvage here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goldway90 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 The dude suffers from Stockholm Syndrome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ahall1701 Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 (edited) She showed up at my house yesterday while I was out with friends. She called and I ignored it and she left a voice mail asking if she could speak with me. I didn't call her back. Stockholm Syndrome, Idk but if it's possible then I hope my current therapist can help. I won't lie to you all. I still care for this girl very much. But I know she has issues that require therapy of her own. The anger and poor treatment requires work from her. I'm staying out but staying out is a battle in itself. She's been sending long texts about how she loves me and made a huge mistake. She told my mom that she's looking into therapy. She said she wants to be healthy and good for me. Proof is more than words. Actions speak louder. Edited July 22, 2015 by ahall1701 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 She said she wants to be healthy and good for me. Proof is more than words. Actions speak louder. Right on. Keep sticking to your guns. Actions do speak louder than words. If she really wants you back she needs to prove her intentions are more than empty promises. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BriNyc82 Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 She showed up at my house yesterday while I was out with friends. She called and I ignored it and she left a voice mail asking if she could speak with me. I didn't call her back. Stockholm Syndrome, Idk but if it's possible then I hope my current therapist can help. I won't lie to you all. I still care for this girl very much. But I know she has issues that require therapy of her own. The anger and poor treatment requires work from her. I'm staying out but staying out is a battle in itself. She's been sending long texts about how she loves me and made a huge mistake. She told my mom that she's looking into therapy. She said she wants to be healthy and good for me. Proof is more than words. Actions speak louder. It's going to take a lot of hard work on her end. Possibly months or years? Remember, if you give a mouse a cookie..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarkwg Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I just read through the whole of this thread from start to finish & there is some fantastic responses & advice. There is not much to say that hasn't already been said. What I will say to OP though is this: I was with my ex for nearly a decade, like yours my ex had lots of BPD traits too. Now I don't know for sure if she met the full criteria to be diagnosed or not but what I do Know is she put me through hell, her actions & ways were consistent with BPD & the relationship was highly dysfunctional, to call it toxic would be an understatement. Realistically it should have ended for before it even hit the one year mark but unfortunately I was so hooked on this girl so no matter what **** she put me through, no matter how unhappy she made me, no matter how much upset she caused, no matter how much stress I was feeling because of her none of it mattered, I would always want to still be with her. Now after 20/30/40/50 break ups, nearly a decade after it begun & a young daughter later... She has moved on & got with a new guy who she had been triangulating with for the last 5 years of our relationship. So she has moved on to her new guy within a month of us ending for good meanwhile over 6 months post breakup I'm left psychologically, mentally & emotionally damaged by the whole sorry situation. Best advice I can give as you wrestle with your heart vs head conflict as to whether to get back with her or not is DONT BECOME ME! I really wish I had have walked away after 18 months but I wasn't strong enough, even though I knew the relationship was terrible & would cause more misery than joy which proved to be correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Dude, she took another man with her to Europe. A trip YOU were supposed to go on. And she tells you nothing happened with this other dude that YOU KNOW had a thing for her. He's there with her and she just broke up with you. She's feeling vulnerable and in a different country....do the math dude. She was with this guy. Probably why she's acting the way she is right now. She probably felt so guilty afterwards that she came home and went straight to you. Because you were right about everything. She said she made a mistake. Well, that's a mistake she'll have to live with because you don't have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Jake53949 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Damn! She sounds like an emotional mess and bits of pieces of your story remind me of my ex's - she also had an abusive past, would rage when angry, would be upset if I was away from her for too long, told me she wanted to marry me very early on and came on to me super hard from the get go before she even knew much about me. The end of our relationship was explosive, she shut down on me and the more I tried to pry out what was wrong, the more we argued and the more "I don't know" I heard. Eventually I found out she was dating a 33 year old married coworker (she was 25), she probably was venting about our relationship while he vented about his. It was a disaster, we lived together for 3 months after that happened, she tried to come back a month after that, then went back to him. Then she came back again to a degree, as a friend, and then disappeared once again. 6 months later (3 after she moved out) I am just finally feeling like myself again and am finding fulfilling happiness in life. Read up on borderline personality disorder, your ex may have had it or at least some of the symptoms . I couldn't agree more. Dealing Bordeline personality disorder is very difficult and I'm still recovering. It has the highest highs and the lowest lows!! Link to post Share on other sites
sacg Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Man, Im just starting out on my breakup, and its looking like my ex displayed signs of BPD. Theyre all so identical, the stories! Im all over the place emotionally atm, relieved, sad, romantic, hurt, lost, confused, angry, even asking if its actually me with BPD. Crazy huh! My ex is cold and angry as atm, and it does cross my mind if shed ever come round and re connect. As it looks at the moment, thats highly unlikely. I actually do think shes done with me, and i truly believe she thinks its all down to me. All i can say to you is, and I hope im strong enough to do the same should the need arise, is dont take her back. Use the power youre getting from her chasing in a positive way and allow that slight upper hand to allow yourself to heal and detach. If you do let her back in, the whole cycle will likely just start again. And as whats been said previously, these kinds of people very RARELY get better. Push/pull. Fear of attachment/abandonment. How can you live a life like that? On the same journey man, wishing you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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