Abusive girlfriend left me. I feel deeply depressed and need !

[ahall1701]

it is better for a girl to like a man more.... you made too many concessions and weakened yourself and made yourself less desirable. strength is a man's glory

 

Yeah, that is google search quote B.S.

I disagree with this completely. I'm a responsible adult. If the measure of a man is how willing he is to be self-centered then that would only build upon a toxic relationship. Concessions, again I disagree. I believe I was involved with a sick/confused individual who is extremely emotional and difficult. I appreciate your directness. However, such generalizations regarding male/fe-male behavior traits errors on the side of ignorance. It is of my opinion that she has a turmoil from deep within her. The crappy behavior did not manifest until she became comfortable with me and I learned to adapt to her behavior. Please do not assume that such behavior is due to me going out of my way to ensure my partner was getting a fair partnership of equal work. The issue was her lacking in the relationship. I'm having trouble coming to terms with the failed relationship. Her behavior is her responsibility, not mine.

[ahall1701]

Just keep posting. It helps, plus. There's thousands of stories just like yours on the website. You aren't alone, we're all suffering, we're lost, confused and complexed at how our life got turned upside down. It can drive you nuts trying to figure out how it got to this point.

 

There's so much amazing advice on these forums. Just dig around a bit. Please keep us updated on your progress.

 

Thank you for such sound advise. Trying to get through the confusion is one of the hardest parts. I will keep you all updated.

[stillafool]

It's strange, part of me feels like I'm doing the right thing by being done. It's just so hard for me to understand how horrid people can be. She had a difficult childhood from what she said. Apparently at one time her older brother pointed a load shotgun at her amd her dad pull it away before he fired it. Then there was drugs and alcohol issues with her family. She was clean but her alcohol use really increased. I'll miss the good times but those bad times were just really bad. I wish I could understand this all better. Thanks for your insight and help.

 

None of this matters. Stop making excuses for her bad behavior. Most people have had drama from their childhood. Do not go back to her because it isn't going to get better. Go NC and move on. Be glad this part of your life is over.

[dangerbang]

Why are there so many Jesus freaks on this site, or people involved with them? If a grown up girl is going to Church in 2015, in a developed country, you need to run a mile!

Either way pal, bullet dodged in this case.

[ahall1701]

Why are there so many Jesus freaks on this site, or people involved with them? If a grown up girl is going to Church in 2015, in a developed country, you need to run a mile!

Either way pal, bullet dodged in this case.

 

Believe it or not she wasn't all hyped up on Jesus in the beginning. After she started really hanging out with those wackos she started really pressuring me. The more she pressured the more I pulled away. She would get angry if I talked about science, evolution and even Bill Nye. I had to stop liking FB Bill Nye posts to avoid arguments... I didn't know someone could get that loaded.

[Chi townD]

Dude, that girl was about 7 degree's of bat sh*t crazy.

 

 

1. flirted with other guys.

2. Ditched you for her friends.

3. Hit you.

4. Verbally abusive towards you.

5. Get's drunk a lot and you end up being her babysitter.

6. Joins a cult (no way that's a church) and want you to get involved and go above what you are comfortable with.

7. Has you paranoid that if you don't respond IMMEDIATELY to her text, you'll have to face her wrath!

 

 

Dude, AND YOU'RE DEPRESSED OVER THAT?!?!??

 

 

Here's what I see going on with her. She's got a LOT of psychological problems stemming from a screwed up childhood and (of course) this caused her to seek out abusive relationships when she got older because that's all she knew. However, she gets with you (a good guy) and doesn't know how to handle that. She thinks you get mad and is going to hit her when you know damn well you won't, but that's what she's used to! She seeks to deal with her psychological problems through alcohol and "religion".

 

 

But, here's the rub. You can't help her with any of that. She's going to have to seek proper help ON HER OWN! You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. She made a choice and that choice was to have you out of her life. She is no longer your responsibility. I only hope that she realizes that she needs professional help and seeks it before she gets a DUI or even worse, kills someone.

 

 

But, she chose to shut you out. Therefore, take control of the only thing you have control over and that's YOU. Heal from this and move on. Start making positive changes in your life. KEEP BUSY!!!! Get new hobbies other than the gym (still go to the gym though) just do other things that you'll find enjoyment from. Hang in there dude.

[lil hoodlum]

I am so glad for you OP that you had the fortitude and insight to not quit your 2 jobs. That would have been crazy behaviour on your part.

 

 

It sounds like she is seriously lacking alot of things in her life. Her behaviour seemed really extreme and unbalanced.

 

 

I hope that one day soon she can get the help she needs.

 

 

I hope that for you ahall that your heart heals quickly with time and distance from this situation.

[NoLeafClover]

Dang I thought I heard it all..

It's a cold world out there....

[Ebannaw]

Why are there so many Jesus freaks on this site, or people involved with them? If a grown up girl is going to Church in 2015, in a developed country, you need to run a mile!

Either way pal, bullet dodged in this case.

 

 

That is actually, horrible advice.

 

If you knew anything about Christ's message, you would know that her behavior was quite antithetical to it, even if she professed to be of Christ. There is such a thing as hypocrites you know.

 

There is truth in Christ's message, do not allow those who distort it to make you ignorant of it. Do not allow yourself to be consumed by the world and its ways.

 

The bible itself says true religion is to help those in need. Whatever ****ed up idea of religion you people have that has been taught to you by mass media and culture is absolutely wrong. Start thinking more, and stop conforming.

Edited July 13, 2015 by Ebannaw

[ahall1701]

Personally I've never had any issues with people and their faith or religious beliefs. However, I believe in the case of ex, she was involved in the worst aspects of religion if you can call it that. It was a slow progression of manipulation and perhaps brainwashing by her peers in the "church." She used to say she loved me for who I am and never change. Then everything changed.

[Itspointless]

6 weeks later I’m realizing that I was in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship, and it hurts like hell.

The fact that you are realizing this makes me full of hope for you.

 

Parts of it made me think back of my first girlfriend, it is good that that she wanted to move on from me. You indeed might want to read up on borderline.

 

Please take care of yourself.

[dangerbang]

That is actually, horrible advice.

 

If you knew anything about Christ's message, you would know that her behavior was quite antithetical to it, even if she professed to be of Christ. There is such a thing as hypocrites you know.

 

There is truth in Christ's message, do not allow those who distort it to make you ignorant of it. Do not allow yourself to be consumed by the world and its ways.

 

The bible itself says true religion is to help those in need. Whatever ****ed up idea of religion you people have that has been taught to you by mass media and culture is absolutely wrong. Start thinking more, and stop conforming.

 

I think it's the oddballs like you that believe in hocus pocus nonsense that are the people causing problems in this world. Not atheists.

 

I would say start thinking less, not more, if you want a better world. I think you're the one who's conforming, people have been conforming and have been forced to conform since the establishment of Christianity.

[Downtown]

Ahall, I agree with Rav4, ItsPointless, and Wigand that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), irrational jealousy, and lack of impulse control -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

Basically I felt like the adult handling the child in this.

A BPDer (person with strong BPD traits) typically has the emotional development of a four year old. This is why BPDers are so reliant on the ego defenses available to young children: e.g., temper tantrums, black-white thinking, projection, denial, and magical thinking. Hence, if your exGF really does have strong BPD traits, it is not surprising you felt like you were "handling the child in this."

 

She wasn't all hyped up on Jesus in the beginning. After she started really hanging out with those wackos she started really pressuring me.

If she has strong BPD traits, that sudden conversion to a cult religion is not surprising. BPDers have such a weak, fragile sense of who they are that they seek out people with strong personalities and views who will provide them with the self identity they are sorely needing. For this reason, a BPDer typically has spent a lifetime learning to emulate the behavior and actions of whomever happens to be in the room. Generally, they don't do this to be manipulative (as a Narcissist or Sociopath does). Rather, they do it in order to fit in, be accepted, and be loved.

 

One result of this mirroring behavior is that a BPDer typically will be seen to behave very differently around different groups of people. Another result is that, if you two become infatuated with each other, her mirroring of your best personality features will be so intense and so nearly perfect that you BOTH will be convinced you've met your "soul mate." Yet, if you are together often, that mirroring will fade away as her infatuation starts to evaporate -- typically at 4 to 6 months into the intense-dating part of the relationship.

 

Trying to get through the confusion is one of the hardest parts.

Ahall, if you were actually dating a BPDer for 18 months, consider yourself very lucky that you are only experiencing "confusion." Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is why therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

It is extremely disorienting to be in love with someone who flips, in just ten seconds, between adoring you and devaluing you. You will mistakenly think that, if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore her to that wonderful woman you saw at the beginning.

 

If you're interested in learning how to spot the red flags for BPD, Ahall, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Rav4, ItsPointless, and Wigand in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if she has strong BPD traits). Take care, Ahall.

[Ebannaw]

I think it's the oddballs like you that believe in hocus pocus nonsense that are the people causing problems in this world. Not atheists.

 

I would say start thinking less, not more, if you want a better world. I think you're the one who's conforming, people have been conforming and have been forced to conform since the establishment of Christianity.

 

 

Okay buddy. I'm not trying to hijack this man's thread into a religion debate, but you're just as bad as fundamentalist hypocritical religious people with that kind of fundamentalist secular rhetoric. You also lost me at "start thinking less". Sorry. No chance. This world is headed for hell in a handbasket, and you seem to be so excited for the picnic. Me? I'm just sitting back and watching the cosmic freak show unfold. I assure you, I'm not hurting or harming anyone by doing so.

 

Yeah...

 

Have fun at the picnic.

Edited July 14, 2015 by Ebannaw

[ahall1701]

I just want to thank everyone here for all of you kindness and helpful advise. It helps a great deal to get different opinions other than family and friends. Non bias and accurate advise is paramount here. I'll never understand why people try to change one another. Her behavior will continue into her next relationship, I think. A person like her won't change unless she realizes how ****ty she is and gets therapy. That's a strong reason why I'm staying away. I was so tired of the abuse but when your so involved and hopeful for a positive outcome, the blinders are on. I look back and wonder how I put up with her behavior for as long as I did. It hurts to know someone I love could be so cold. She's got a difficult life ahead of her at this rate.

[joseb]

As someone who dated someone with likely BPD, downtown's post is spot on. It was the first thing to cross my mind when I read your initial post.

 

As he says, none of us are able to diagnose someone online, but spend some time reading up on BPD and see if it seems to fit.

 

If so, you will have a difficult path ahead. It takes a while to recover from these experiences, but you will. I actually felt like I was going nuts, that I was imagining things, that I was the cause of her issues. It's really only now, 6 months out, that I'm completely out of the fog.

[ahall1701]

If you're interested in learning how to spot the red flags for BPD, Ahall, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Rav4, ItsPointless, and Wigand in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if she has strong BPD traits). Take care, Ahall.

 

 

THAT'S INCREDIBLE. I read through the 18 and she hits on every single one. Some stronger than others. That's just unreal. So what then? She's predisposed to acting like this throughout the rest of her life? Would therapy be the only answer? She's not my responsibility but I wonder if that will be the case with the next partner? Will I become the abuse ex to her next bf? That's just not right.

[Downtown]

So what then? She's predisposed to acting like this throughout the rest of her life?

As Rav4 explained (post #2 above), Ahall, you are describing a strong pattern of BPD traits. For purposes of deciding whether to reconcile with her, it really doesn't matter whether she has full-blown BPD or, rather, simply strong traits of BPD. That is, for your purposes, it doesn't matter whether she satisfies 100% of the diagnostic criteria (thus "having BPD") or only 80% to 90% (thus "not having BPD"). A person satisfying 80% of those criteria likely will be nearly as impossible to live with as one satisfying 100%.

 

To answer your question then, yes, if she is exhibiting a persistent pattern of strong BPD traits, her emotional development likely is frozen at the level of a four year old and it is very unlikely she will be willing to spend years in therapy to learn the emotional regulation skills she never acquired in childhood. I would guess that less than 1% of BPDers have both the self awareness and ego strength required to be willing to stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference.

 

Would therapy be the only answer?

If she actually is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits) and has a high level of self awareness, it is possible for her to make some progress on her own without seeing a therapist. But it is very unlikely she would get very far without professional guidance.

 

She's not my responsibility but I wonder if that will be the case with the next partner?

If she is a BPDer, Ahall, her personality issues will not change by simply changing partners. She will take her issues with her into the new relationship.

 

Will I become the abuse ex to her next bf?

Most likely, yes, if she is a BPDer. To protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality, a BPDer's subconscious mind will project all hurtful thoughts and painful feelings onto her partner. Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will firmly believe -- at a conscious level -- that these projections were all coming from YOU. In this way, she obtains validation for her false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim."

 

My BPDer exW, for example, was convinced in the last years of our marriage that I was fabricating a new lie every week. She firmly believed it even though she could never prove it. And, when she had me arrested and thrown into jail for three days, she truly believed that I had "brutalized her" even though I had simply pushed her away from a bedroom door she was trying to destroy.

[ahall1701]

Here's my original post everyone.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/537729-abusive-girlfriend-left-me-i-feel-deeply-depressed-need

 

 

So I woke up this morning and my phone had a long message from my ex who is currently in Italy. She comes back to the states in a few days.

 

Message reads:

 

"I know you probably hate me, and maybe I deserve that, but I am in a boat sailing over the Adriatic sea and this whole time I have been parted from you I have only loved you. I'm sure you have moved on and are happy, but I have not and am not. I have debated ever texting you and have called you several times. I don't know why u never faught for me when I left but I cannot let my heart unlove you. I don't know what you think of me but I had to let you know that I still love you. I will always love you. This message may be selfish but I know that life is too short to not tell someone you love them, and I could not wait till I returned home in a few days. I'm sorry, you don't have to respond , I just had to let you know."

 

:END MESSAGE

 

 

I have not responded. I'm honestly amazed she messaged me. We've been broken up for about 2 months with absolutely no contact from my end. She called me once after she broke up with me but I decided not to break no contact. I never returned her call and never attempted contact. She treated me like ****. She blew a **** ton of money on her "dream trip" to Europe. Basically if you read the original thread you get a better understanding of our relationship. This trip was a big deal to her. She even told me to quit two well paying jobs so we would get enough time to go... She doesn't have a job. She'll live with her church friend in a basement when she returns. We were supposed to move in together in August. She will have virtually no money and said things like "we can eat peanut butter and noodles till we get back on our feet."

 

I avoided that last supper...

 

I really do love this girl but she put me through Hell.

 

Why is she sending me this message now? I need some advise. I do not intend to contact her in the near future. I may never talk to her again. Idk. I'm a bit confused by her behavior.

[mightycpa]

Maybe because it's going to suck living in that basement. Think about it.

[Gus Grimly]

I really do love this girl but she put me through Hell.

 

Ironic, her being so devoutly religious and all.

 

She sounds bat s*** crazy man. She's super high maintenance and drags drama wherever she goes. You should have your head examined if you get back with her.

 

She accidentally knocked an item of mine off of the shelf and it broke. I wasn't upset, a little disappointed but I knew I could replace it easy, but she hysterically began begging me not to hit her several times and said "just break up with me! Just break up with me!"

 

I said it once and I'll say it again ..... RUN!

 

So many chill, cool, nice, awesome, fun, down to earth gals who would absolutely LOVE to be with a guy like you. Be a better friend to yourself, Don't settle for crazy.

[lil hoodlum]

Why is she sending this message now?

 

 

Maybe she is being truthfull about her feeling for you.

 

Maybe she is trying to arrange for a soft-spot for her to land if she needs one.

 

Maybe she thinks she has you at the end of a leash and is giving it a little tug to make sure you are there.

 

Maybe it is her way of taking the "high road" and absolving any guilt she might have for the two of you finally seperating.

 

 

Only she really knows what her intentions are, but it doesn't sound like she is apologizing for anything nor tying to reconcile with you.

[Morphine]

Im going through the break up atm, my first thought would be to meet up over coffee, say we need a lot of time apart to see if we are compatible, meet as friends from time to time. Especially since she reached out to you, whichever the reason. Maybe she does love you? Yes she may be mentally unstable (like my ex is right now...) but this may be temporary. Perhaps this break has made her realise you are the one? Not everyone falls in love in firsg sight and live happily ever after. But you need at least a year apart to find out for real. Who knows - maybe you do not love her as much as you think you do (well i suspect this is the case with me as I keep putting my ex on pedestal but recently I became more aware of her mistakes....)

 

BUT if you think that having contact with her will make you want to get back with her after few weeks, then don't do it.

 

I have read so many topics on beaking up and it made me realise that it is time that will tell if you are meant to be for each other. As hard as it sounds.

 

My feelings for my ex are strong, but it is a mixture of love, resentment, betrayal and many more.

[XianErick]

My situations are very unlike yours,

 

Nonetheless here are my two accounts of breaking no contact:

 

S: This girl left me after a year. I fought for her after, she contacts me after a rough break up with someone else. She gets into my bed (making me the rebound) and never contacted me again.

 

Felt like a dream night getting a first lover back, but it was just that, one night.

 

B: I stayed in contact since the break up. She used this to keep me around as a friend, yet still chose to lead me on and lie about seeing other people.

 

I just posted here with the conclusion to B. Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

[TaraMaiden2]

...."You never faught (sic) for me?"

 

Oh, so now it's your fault this has gone as it has?

 

Do NOT reply.

Let it go.

I honestly suggest you change your number dude.

It's the best way, and not impossible. I have done it twice.....