Just need someone to talk to.

[Complicated]

I really need some advice or suggestions on what I should do or even what I could do. Here is my story.....

 

I have a 35 yr old brother who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and major depression. This is such a long story but I will try to minimize it. He was diagnosed a few years ago after he admitted himself in the psych ward at the local hospital. The doctors stated that the schizophrenia was brought on by a nervous breakdown he suffered from a very bad divorce he went through. I will never forget the negative experience he got there. The doctors told us all that we had to be there for every visitation and we did (All seven siblings and both parents). He went through paranoia and all the effects of schizophrenia. He with his mental illness was in the same room as another person ten times worse off than he. He got to a point were he wouldn't take the medication because it made him sleep too soundly and his paranoia wouldn't allow that. I remember leaving from a visit and watching him at the elevators looking like a little lost boy that everyone had forgotten.

 

He was only in the hospital a week before being released. He took his medication and looked to be doing so much better. He found love with a woman and they planned to be married. All seemed well. He then went through a stage of not taking his meds because he thought he didn't need it or that he was too "manly" to take it. Again he bottomed out and we were forced to take him back to the hospital. Before reaching the hospital he swore that he would take his meds as long as we didn't send him back to "that place." As he said, he started his meds again. He married this woman, who has been given alot of credit, since she stayed by him through it all. Even through the paranoia, suicide attempts, and the other effects of his illness. He had lost his previous job after he was admitted to the hospital the first time. After he got married he would bounce from job to job not being able to hold a single one for very long. His wife had a good career so financing wasn't a huge problem. She could support them both.

 

Now skip ahead to today. He is still unemployed. He is so medicated that he can't even feel feelings or think cleary. His wife, after having two children with him has totally changed. She went from helping him to bashing him. She owns everything. The house, the cars, everything. She constantly is screaming at him about every little thing he does, like not folding the laundry. He sits in the dark all the time. When I go to my mothers house, he is there in the small bedroom with the curtains pulled and the lights out. Just sitting there.

 

Last weekend he decided to stay with my parents. He mentioned something that bothers me. He said that he was a failure to all. His four children (two from first marriage), his family, his wife. My heart sank. He is so far down now that I am not sure he can be picked back up. Dealing with him is like dealing with a small child that doesn't understand. He is that little lost boy that I saw at the hospital. I don't understand how his wife and kick him when he is already down. She knew what he was when she married him. He doesn't take criticism well and he doesn't know how to handle it. If he thinks you are made at him, he just crys endlessly. He takes his meds regularly and goes to his doctor appointments as scheduled. He has been going through counciling but nothing seems to be working. It almost seems like he is so heavily medicated that he doesn't know what is going on around him. Over the weekend his 13 yr old daughter cried and cried because she is watching her father go through this. He told my parents that he couldn't leave his wife because he couldn't afford his meds, take care of his children, or have a house or car to drive.

 

He has labeled himself as a failure. What can I do? Please help me!!!

[NiCoLe20]

aww im sorry to hear that your going through this. even though theres not much i can say about this you and your family cannot give up. keep fighting with him and talk to him. thats what you gotta do. you & his parents should have a heart to heart conversation one night and let him talk about things that he's been bottling up for these past years. is he seeing a therapist? if not, i think someone should take him to a couple sessions a month and see if that will also help.

someone needs to help him before its too late. i dont know what more else to suggest. maybe a vacation away would also be good. if he got out of the house, and went somewhere new, he might see another side in life so to speak, and somehow maybe that will decrease the depression. he has to get over that divorce you mentioned, even though its hard, he has to understand that was happened in the past happend and its time to move on.. lifes too short to worry about things that took place years ago. i hope all works out well and keep us posted!

[blind_otter]

I had to respond to your post because I have seen this happen on more than one occassion, as I did my undergraduate internship at a mental facility for the severely and persistently mentally ill, and I worked with severe schizophrenics, among others. I am not in the field of psychology any more.

 

I noticed a clear pattern, what you describe - the childlike behavior, for example, and the comorbidity of depression with pretty much any diagnosis of severe mental illness, especially a chronic condition like schizophrenia. The problem with antipsychotics IS that there are a multitude of extremely negative side effects. Newer antipsychotics promise fewer side effects, but it is really a case by case basis, as everything is. But I heard many residents at the facility complain that they "couldn't think" when taking their meds, and every. single. one. had problems with noncompliance with their medication, which is why they were in the facility.

 

My mentor said that the childlike behavior has many causes. One is that the patient may have been having symptoms of schizophrenia since they were children, and when medicated they revert back to an emotional age prior to the beginnings of their mental and perceptual disturbances, because in a sense they stopped or slowed down their emotional development because of the mental illness. THere are theories about this, but no clear answers. I saw non-schizoid patients revert back to very emotionally "young" behavior merely in reaction to stressful situations.

 

Depression is always an issue with any one who has a chronic medical condition. You feel like a burden on your family and friends. You feel like your life is worth nothing because you can't contribute to society. Functionality becomes your main goal, and you end up taking up all your energy to survive, rather than to thrive. Your choices are restricted by your disease.

 

Does anyone, including your brother's wife, attend any kind of support group for the loved ones of the mentally ill? I highly recommend it. Just being around others who have experience, advice, tactics you can apply, can be a relief in and of itself.

 

I can't really offer more advice, but feel free to vent. This is a very difficult situation and it must be heart-wrenching to see your brother go through this.

 

On edit - many of the residents were placed in long term care because they didn't respond well to the meds, and had to be monitored constantly while the meds were switched and juggled, lower dose of this, higher dose of that. I firmly believe that the right combination of meds to produce the fewest side effects CAN be found -- but the search for a really GOOD therapist can be difficult. It's a long process. I ALWAYS recommend looking for a second opinion when it comes to mental health issues, or any health issues for that matter. Doctors are not infallible. Mistakes that they make, however, can be deadly.

[Complicated]

Thank you both so much for replying so quickly.

 

I believe his depression to be more of the cause of his behavior than the schizophrenia disease in itself. He has labeled himself as a failure and no one can seem to change it otherwise. We all try to treat him as anyone else but we are careful of the words we chose for he is very sensitive to criticism or anything that remotely resembles it, even jokingly.

 

Even though I am 12 years younger than he, I have heard all about his childhood. He was raised in a loving home just like us all but school was a disaster. He always had trouble and his first grade experience was the worst. His teacher was very abusive mentally and it took its toll. Using criticism as "being a failure" and "stupid." He is so different because of his reaction to criticism. We all are raised to cope and deal with it but he doesn't have that ability. He skimed by through high school but only hung on by a thread.

 

My brother looks to my father and two other brothers for everything. He wanted to be an electrician like my father but could never master the algebra. Both of my other brothers are electricians today. This is hard for him. Another example is that he always charished what my father had. Like a truck my father once had that he bought. He loves that truck. But not the truck itself, but because it belonged to "Dad." The truck now belongs to me because he almost lost it in bankruptcy and I refused to let it leave. My intentions are to pay it off and repair everything that needs it and give it back to my brother as a gift. However, this will be tricky because my brother refuses anything that he feels he doesn't deserve. Another effect of depression.

 

His wife is an only child. Her mother never disciplined her and she always got what she wanted. This isn't all bad but this contributed to the person she is today. My brother and his wife have two young children. Ages 1 and 2. She refuses to discipline them and screams at him for doing it. But his illness doesn't give him the ability to react like an adult. He immediately bottles his emotions and returns to the depressive state. The problem now being, that she is feeding his depression because she has yet to stop the mental bashing. My brother has two older children with his first wife and his current wife is constanting criticising them. Always on them about everything. My brother is not in any condition to step up to his parental responsibilies and defend his older children, so matters get worse.

 

I have been through so much with him. It is a roller coaster ride and some days are good while others are very bad. It is so hard to look into his eyes because they are cloudy with the effects of the meds. I continue to see that little lost boy I saw on my first visit to the psych ward at the hospital. I have a hard time because I feel there is nothing I can do. I am dealing with the brain of a loved one. I never no what to say or what to do.

 

Please continue the responses. I need to get this out. I will look into support groups for the families of mentally ill patients. All I do it pray that one day he will have the peace he deserves.

[NiCoLe20]

i think you should try to talk to his wife. the one that he's with now that always critisizes him and puts him down. is she aware of how the things she says hurts him so much? she needs a rude awakening! someone has to tell her to cut him some slack and back off a little bit. without the yelling and nagging from her, thats a little step towards helping your brother.

[manders_01]

Have you taken him to various doctors or to any specialists? Although the bills can be high, it might be just what he needs.

 

I do feel for you and understand. My brother-in-law is bi-polar and constantly on medication. However, my sister is 100% supportive of him and tells it like it is when need be. Unfortunately, my mother is not. She puts him down - behind his back or otherwise - as much as possible. I know the things she says roll off his back because of how he feels about my mom. I know it would be different if it was my sister putting him down.

 

Also, maybe it's his wife that needs a vacation. I'm not saying that what she does is right, but built up stress can do things to people. Family counseling sounds like it would also be a much needed option.

[BigB]

Originally posted by blind_otter

My mentor said that the childlike behavior has many causes. One is that the patient may have been having symptoms of schizophrenia since they were children, and when medicated they revert back to an emotional age prior to the beginnings of their mental and perceptual disturbances, because in a sense they stopped or slowed down their emotional development because of the mental illness. THere are theories about this, but no clear answers. I saw non-schizoid patients revert back to very emotionally "young" behavior merely in reaction to stressful situations.

 

that's interesting what you said about the childlike behavior, my little sister is like that. She was diagnosed at 14, she's now medicated, but mentally and emotionally she seems like a little kid again, she acts more like an 8-10 yr old.

 

 

Complicated, maybe you can contact the county mental health services, they can help with counseling, therapy, drugs, securing him a new shirk, helping his wife learn how to interact with him, etc. They can even help set him up with job training or activities to boost his self esteem.

[BigB]

Originally posted by Complicated

I believe his depression to be more of the cause of his behavior than the schizophrenia disease in itself. He has labeled himself as a failure and no one can seem to change it otherwise. We all try to treat him as anyone else but we are careful of the words we chose for he is very sensitive to criticism or anything that remotely resembles it, even jokingly.

 

I think this is pretty common, with my sister, if you say anything remotely critical, she get's very depressed about it, and just can't handle it. Being constantly attacked by his wife must be hell for him.

 

When my sister goes to school they have to be very careful about how they grade her school work because any red marks, or low grades make her get depressed and then she refuses to go to school or get out of bed for weeks.

 

Recently the county got her into a program where she can have a job after school, and she loves it, it's helped her a lot.

[blind_otter]

Also remember, the antipsychotics not only heavily sedate patients, they can also cause or aggravate comorbid depression.

 

Talk therapy and a different course of meds may be in order for him.

 

RE: talking to his wife - doubtful that would help. Most likely it would cause a defensive response and alienate her even further. Don't underestimate how difficult it is to be the primary caretaker of someone with a severe and persistent mental illness. And also having a husband unable to hold down a job. Being around someone who has a mental illness is difficult and takes it's toll, which has probably led to her personality changes, and she really should be getting therapy herself to help handle the stress.