divorce and religion

[samphire]

I'm so confused right now. Been married 7 years, together 10 and for the last couple of years things have been pretty rocky.

 

We've got a few problems anyway, but the thing that is causing the most issues at the moment is religion - my H was never religiouns (in fact he was anti it) and I'm an atheist. We had a civil marriage, and its never been an issue until a year or so ago when my H found religion. And since then it seems to have changed everything. He doesn't go to church loads, or try and convert me, but instead is on this spiritual journey within and its totally changing him as a person. I understand your beliefs come from within, but I'm so completely against religion its tearing us even firther apart.

 

Its like there are now 3 of us in the marriage, and I'm no longer the most important person in his life. His primary focus now is on pleasing his God, and I'm second, and he has become far more judgemental, intollerant and constantly makes me feel like I'm not good enough because I'm not religious. I live a good life, but am a very liberal person and our views are becoming polar opposites. I feel like I am being permanatly judged and found not worthy.

 

How do I live a life where I'm not the most important to my husband in our relationship? Can it ever work or are we going to get further and further apart?

[TaraMaiden2]

....

How do I live a life where I'm not the most important to my husband in our relationship?

You can't. he has evaluated you as such. You cannot demand he change that. You can only hope he sees this aspect for himself. And sadly, it looks unlikely....

 

Can it ever work or are we going to get further and further apart?

Religious differences is one of the mainstay deal-breakers.

He wasn't religious when you met and married him.

he's now the one who's changed and imposed impossible conditions on you.

 

Being Religious - Christian, God-worshipping - means manifesting Love, Compassion forgiveness and empathy.

 

If he is transmitting none of the above - he doesn't 'get' religion.

 

Something, somewhere, is mis-wired.

 

And you need to decide for just how much longer you can exist in this situation, while he wipes out who you are, and tries to transform you into what he wants.

 

How far are you prepared to lose who you really are?

[Arieswoman]

samphire,

 

We had a civil marriage, and its never been an issue until a year or so ago when my H found religion.

 

What your husband has done, effectively, is move the goal-posts and try and redefine the basis of the marriage. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to consult you about this change.

 

It would be exactly the same if, say, one person wanted an 'open marriage', or wanted to stop working to train for something, or do VSO for a year etc.

 

You say,

 

he has become far more judgemental, intollerant and constantly makes me feel like I'm not good enough because I'm not religious.

 

Has he actually said specific things that make you feel this way? Or is it just your perception of things?

 

Either way you need to talk to him about how this makes you feel.

 

I am a bit puzzled as to which religion this is, can you elucidate?

[samphire]

TaraMaiden - thank you, you're so right and that's what I am struggling with at the moment. To me a religious person should be compassionate and caring, and my H is caring, he says he loves me, but that love is not his top love and priority. And when I challenge him on it he says he tries not to be judgemental, but unfortunately he is, and I always end up feeling inferior, unadequate, or unworthy. I've tried for years to make him my priority, going way too far over in to this to the point that I did lose myself. And its taken a long time for me to get to the stage where I am comfortable with myself, confident in who I am, and I am not willing, for any reason, to go back to being nothing again. Even if this means the end of my marriage. I guess I'm hoping for a miracle or deluding myself that we can, with our diametrically opposite views, stay together happily.

 

Arieswoman - my husband says he is a Christian. I know in marriage, the goalposts are always changing, you both grow and change as people and life experiences mean things never go as planned. Its a second marriage for both of us, and there have been other things that have changed the goalposts too. At one point we did actually discuss open marriage but we did not go there. Sometimes it is things he says that make me feel not good enough - I'll talk about my friends and their antics, or something will come on tv and whereas in the past he would have laughed about it, he now sighs, says how awful it is, or how immorral it is, or how he's appalled by the situation. Other times, he'll just go quiet, or talk in that oh so patient voice (like you would to a naughty 4 year old) and I'll just know he doesn't approve, so I shut up. And that's whats happening more and more. I don't bother sharing things with him as much, keep feelings and emotions to myself so I don't have to content with the judgement from him. I have talked to him, at length, about how his religious feelings make me feel, and how he is unintentionally imposing them on me - when someone says they won't consider something, or discuss something because it disagrees with their religious beliefs, then I have to just accept that. He understands it is hard for me, but has told me that God is more important to him than me and I will have to live with it. I've explained that if a very close friend had a huge influence on our marriage and was influencing me in ways he did not like, he would have a problem and not like it. He would expect me to do something about it - not see that friend/cut back on contact/not let that friend impact our marriage. He can't do the same with religion. I'm fighting someone I don't even believe in who has been put on a pedestal way above our marriage and life together.

[TaraMaiden2]

TaraMaiden - thank you, you're so right and that's what I am struggling with at the moment. To me a religious person should be compassionate and caring, and my H is caring, he says he loves me, but that love is not his top love and priority. And when I challenge him on it he says he tries not to be judgemental, but unfortunately he is, and I always end up feeling inferior, unadequate, or unworthy. I've tried for years to make him my priority, going way too far over in to this to the point that I did lose myself. And its taken a long time for me to get to the stage where I am comfortable with myself, confident in who I am, and I am not willing, for any reason, to go back to being nothing again. Even if this means the end of my marriage. I guess I'm hoping for a miracle or deluding myself that we can, with our diametrically opposite views, stay together happily.

 

Arieswoman - my husband says he is a Christian. I know in marriage, the goalposts are always changing, you both grow and change as people and life experiences mean things never go as planned. Its a second marriage for both of us, and there have been other things that have changed the goalposts too. At one point we did actually discuss open marriage but we did not go there. Sometimes it is things he says that make me feel not good enough - I'll talk about my friends and their antics, or something will come on tv and whereas in the past he would have laughed about it, he now sighs, says how awful it is, or how immorral it is, or how he's appalled by the situation. Other times, he'll just go quiet, or talk in that oh so patient voice (like you would to a naughty 4 year old) and I'll just know he doesn't approve, so I shut up. And that's whats happening more and more. I don't bother sharing things with him as much, keep feelings and emotions to myself so I don't have to content with the judgement from him. I have talked to him, at length, about how his religious feelings make me feel, and how he is unintentionally imposing them on me - when someone says they won't consider something, or discuss something because it disagrees with their religious beliefs, then I have to just accept that. He understands it is hard for me, but has told me that God is more important to him than me and I will have to live with it. I've explained that if a very close friend had a huge influence on our marriage and was influencing me in ways he did not like, he would have a problem and not like it. He would expect me to do something about it - not see that friend/cut back on contact/not let that friend impact our marriage. He can't do the same with religion. I'm fighting someone I don't even believe in who has been put on a pedestal way above our marriage and life together.

 

I know what I would do in your shoes, but really, what option do you realistically feel you have, if you're 'fighting' an unseen nonexistent enemy (as you perceive it)?

 

I'm not belittling anyone's beliefs here.

I'm not a Christian although I used to practise Catholicism.

I'm now Buddhist, and I'm sorry, but he sounds too far gone to retrieve to any decent logical level.

 

If he truly believes God to be more important than you, then he is mocking the entire sanctity of your marriage and undermining your role as his chosen life partner.

 

Yup.

I know what I would do, in your shoes.

 

But I could totally understand your reluctance to throw in the towel...

 

However, if this has been going on a while, then don't expect change any time soon....

[Arieswoman]

samphire,

You say your husband claims to be a 'Christian'.

 

What type of Christian sect does he now belong to?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Convert or divorce is your only real option, if he follows that path. Believers are not supposed to marry non believers. That's going to cause him strife until one of those two things I mentioned happens.