Is it always people who have been dumped who have trouble coping

[Popsicle]

Rather than the dumper?

 

In other words, is it always people who have been dumped who create threads in this section? (As opposed to the dumper)

[DK666]

From what I've seen, it seems quite often that the dumpers already have emotionally checked out of the relationship, so when the inevitable dumping occurs they are mentally in a much better place and don't really need as much support. Whereas us dumpees are often caught off guard, and it's much more of a shock. Hence the need for more support.

[elaine567]

Dumpers can be upset, even very upset, but ultimately it was their decision and that gives them comfort. It also gives them the power to reverse things if they want to.

 

Dumpees feel they have no power - they are helpless and hopeless, blindsided, frustrated and distraught.

[Ariess10]

I had to make a choice to leave , for my best interest it was the hardest thing I had to do , no I guess you can say I'm the one that walked out .. It hurts really bad and I have been a mess for last 3 months .. So it's not always the person that gets dumped ..

[DK666]

I had to make a choice to leave , for my best interest it was the hardest thing I had to do , no I guess you can say I'm the one that walked out .. It hurts really bad and I have been a mess for last 3 months .. So it's not always the person that gets dumped ..

 

If you don't mind me asking, why did you have to make a choice?

[Arieswoman]

I made the painful choice to divorce my first husband.

 

He had checked out of the marriage some time before (unbeknown to me) and had started an affair.

 

I made the choice because he refused to give her up. He said he didn't know what he wanted. So sure as Hell I wasn't going to let him sit around on his scrawny @r$e and pick and choose between me and OW as if we were 2 cans of baked beans on a shelf.

 

It hurt me more than I can describe but at least i took control of the situation and salvaged some self-respect.

[Ariess10]

If you don't mind me asking, why did you have to make a choice?

 

She has a mother that is very controlling , even at 33 she lets her mom control her life and her mom hates everyone and everything .. Very bitter woman after losing her husband .. We lived together in a apartment , and we were taking about buying a house and just a my luck a place came up for sale across the street from her mom .. I told her very clear I wasn't moving across the street from a woman that hates me for no good reason.. I wasn't allowed to go over there for holidays or anything .. Well she decide to go and buy that place , I had to leave , it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, I remember staying up for hours in bed one day just looking at her knowing what I had to do .. i thought I could separate the mom from our relationship , not even close 3 years of being put down by her mom called all sorts names and my gf never stuck up for me .. Sad thing is I would have went to battle for this girl, cut my arms off for her ..

 

she would cry to me all the time about how her mom ruins her life and so on, but she was letting this happen .. She made the choice and I have to live with that , it's really a sad sistuation I saw the red flags in the very beginning but I ignored it .. I guess you live and learn ..

[candie13]

hum... I'm the generally the one who leaves. I find that the term dumper dumpee to be rather... elusive. I've dumped men because I have felt that I had no choice. Am I the dumper or the dumpee ?

 

Basically, my ex bfs would have loved to stick around, provided that the RS played according to their own terms. I'm really bad when it comes to terms and conditions, so I usually bail out. Before, I used to stick around a bit longer and see... nowadays, with age and experience, I just pack up and leave. The sooner I leave, the sooner the healing starts.

[Ariess10]

If you don't mind me asking, why did you have to make a choice?

 

hum... I'm the generally the one who leaves. I find that the term dumper dumpee to be rather... elusive. I've dumped men because I have felt that I had no choice. Am I the dumper or the dumpee ?

 

Basically, my ex bfs would have loved to stick around, provided that the RS played according to their own terms. I'm really bad when it comes to terms and conditions, so I usually bail out. Before, I used to stick around a bit longer and see... nowadays, with age and experience, I just pack up and leave. The sooner I leave, the sooner the healing starts.

I never thought of it that way , in a way I guess my ex dumped me

[DK666]

She has a mother that is very controlling , even at 33 she lets her mom control her life and her mom hates everyone and everything .. Very bitter woman after losing her husband .. We lived together in a apartment , and we were taking about buying a house and just a my luck a place came up for sale across the street from her mom .. I told her very clear I wasn't moving across the street from a woman that hates me for no good reason.. I wasn't allowed to go over there for holidays or anything .. Well she decide to go and buy that place , I had to leave , it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, I remember staying up for hours in bed one day just looking at her knowing what I had to do .. i thought I could separate the mom from our relationship , not even close 3 years of being put down by her mom called all sorts names and my gf never stuck up for me .. Sad thing is I would have went to battle for this girl, cut my arms off for her ..

 

she would cry to me all the time about how her mom ruins her life and so on, but she was letting this happen .. She made the choice and I have to live with that , it's really a sad sistuation I saw the red flags in the very beginning but I ignored it .. I guess you live and learn ..

 

Again it seems you have a similar situation to me, except it was my ex's sister who is a controlling, manipulative, toxic individual who would encourage my ex to sleep with randoms so she didn't get tied down and could keep her for herself (the sister is married btw), my ex wouldn't stick up for me either. It puts a hell of a strain on a relationship when the family can be so nasty, so I can relate in that respect.

 

Problem with my ex was though, she didn't see there being a problem, she always just wanted to please her family no matter what. My ex's best friend saw the problem too and agreed with me, but it made no difference.

 

The cycle of pulling randoms has already started again literally the week after we broke up. I saw my ex with a random guy 15 years younger than her, with the sister messaging me on my ex's phone, raging at me and taunting me about how my ex was gonna be sleeping with this new Spanish fella. Words can't describe how crappy it felt.

[candie13]

I never thought of it that way , in a way I guess my ex dumped me

precisely !!!

 

and it's not because you leave that you don't have a horrible time letting go. But no one holds any power of the other person, so on top of actually handling the rejection and hurt, you need to also handle the break ups and the "what ifs" and the "did I try hard enough" "what if I had stayed a little longer" "what if we had talked about it a bit longer". it's really fcked up.

 

I am yet to meet a real man who tells me things like they really are instead of letting me figure sh"t out. I know I sound bitter, but berk !

[d0nnivain]

I have ended past relationships making me the Dumper but I didn't do it lightly or cavalierly. One I ended because he wouldn't marry me & staying hurt me every day so I had to get out. I was still heart broken. The other I ended because he had mental health issues, wasn't taking his meds & he lied to me about the status of his divorce. Again, I had no choice so I was upset by the decision.

 

So I don't think that only the dumpees hurt after the end of a relationship.

[DK666]

I have ended past relationships making me the Dumper but I didn't do it lightly or cavalierly. One I ended because he wouldn't marry me & staying hurt me every day so I had to get out. I was still heart broken. The other I ended because he had mental health issues, wasn't taking his meds & he lied to me about the status of his divorce. Again, I had no choice so I was upset by the decision.

 

So I don't think that only the dumpees hurt after the end of a relationship.

 

I take some comfort in thinking this may be true with my ex. Though there are lots of pics of her cropping up where she just looks incredibly happy which makes me doubt it.

[candie13]

I think both the dumper and the dumpee hurt, if the emotional connection was strong. However, s/he who end up least hurt is the person who got involved the least. That has really nothing to do with the dumper dumpee term or with why the RS didn't work out. In the end, it's not a contest - also it appears to be, to quite a few people.

 

I think the capacity to cope with a break up is not determined by dumper dumpee term. It has to do with how healthy the RS was and with how healthy each one of the partners is. A person who is already vulnerable and gets into a RS that ends poorly will have a much harder time than a person who's strong and standing on their own two feet before getting in a RS.

 

of course, there are also really toxic dynamics who would suck up the partners and rot even the healthiest person to the bone... now that... is really bad luck !

[Ariess10]

Again it seems you have a similar situation to me, except it was my ex's sister who is a controlling, manipulative, toxic individual who would encourage my ex to sleep with randoms so she didn't get tied down and could keep her for herself (the sister is married btw), my ex wouldn't stick up for me either. It puts a hell of a strain on a relationship when the family can be so nasty, so I can relate in that respect.

 

Problem with my ex was though, she didn't see there being a problem, she always just wanted to please her family no matter what. My ex's best friend saw the problem too and agreed with me, but it made no difference.

 

The cycle of pulling randoms has already started again literally the week after we broke up. I saw my ex with a random guy 15 years younger than her, with the sister messaging me on my ex's phone, raging at me and taunting me about how my ex was gonna be sleeping with this new Spanish fella. Words can't describe how crappy it felt.

it is awful when family makes it so hard , I mean relationships are hard enough.. These days when I look back I can't believe I stayed as long as I did .. I just thought maybe it would get better but it never did .. I was losing from day one, just like you her best friend even saw it and the first time I met her best friend she said "have you met her mom yet" I said no then she goes "I'm warning you her mom is crazy" .. I thought how bad could it really be ? Lol well I found out , maybe she will find someone that her mom loves and she will be happy , not my problem anymore just hurts a lot with the what ifs and did I do enough.. But deep down inside I know I gave my all to this relationship and put up with more than any person should .. My therapist pointed out I was mentally abused . Lol I was left alone on thanksgiving and Xmas because she would have everyone over and I wasn't allowed . Messed up thing is I thought that it was ok . So I sat home on holidays waiting for her .. Sad really sad .. I'm just glad we didn't have kids

[arsenal78]

I think there are many factors that go into it whether you're the dumper or dumpee. As the dumpee, did you see it coming? Obviously the more sudden out of the blue breakups will hurt most as you'll be rife with questions on why until you have them resolved. Some partners do not ever offer explanations; compounding your thoughts. Was there cheating involved? This usually leads to being in what I call the anger stage, much longer than if there was not.

 

As for the dumper, it depends on if he/she lives by the devision or is firm with it. I was the initiator of my recent breakup and I almost immediately regretted it, but she was not interested in reconciliation as the breakup itself had been chaotic. So I pelt myself with "what if" questions quite often and for a time even dwelled on the possibility of getting back together when it was clearly over.

 

So while I think it depends on several different variables, we all go through the same grief, loss, anger, sadness, confusion and any other emotion you can dream up but it'd entirely natural. As always, time brings acceptance.

[BriNyc82]

I don't think dumper dumpee has to do with who eventually pulled the plug the day it ended. Sometimes we end it and are the "dumper" bc our needs aren't getting met. I've had to do that too. Do their dirty work for them bc they couldn't end it on their own. That's the worst and very confusing! I guess there is usually 1 person who tends to want to fight more for the relationship. That person probably feels it more than the other

[OldSoul86]

Dumper checking in here. I ended my long-distance relationship last month and had a lot of trouble coping and still do (but luckily it is getting a bit easier.) I had to end it because we have quite a few incompatibilities (personality clash being the most notable) and the deal breaker of all deal breakers -- I want kids, she does not and cannot because she was voluntarily sterilized. Plus there was a host of other inconveniences being in a long-distance relationship from two different countries - but irrespective of that, the incompatibilities and deal breaker sealed the relationship's fate.

 

It would have been easy to use her and "check out" of the relationship whilst still being in it. I could have easily looked into finding someone else while stringing her along. I did not, and left when my feelings were just as raw as hers were. Dumpers who use their significant other as a springboard on to their next relationship are cowards. I promised myself that after I was dumped that way in a previous relationship, that I'd never do that to someone I care about - going through that nearly ruined me.

 

Some people dump with humility, some dumpers try to give closure, and some dumpers take a myriad of verbal abuse whilst doing so. It hurt me a lot, but at least I know I was as kind and compassionate as a dumper could have been.

[RogerWallace111]

I think both the dumper and the dumpee hurt, if the emotional connection was strong. However, s/he who end up least hurt is the person who got involved the least. That has really nothing to do with the dumper dumpee term or with why the RS didn't work out. In the end, it's not a contest - also it appears to be, to quite a few people.

 

I think the capacity to cope with a break up is not determined by dumper dumpee term. It has to do with how healthy the RS was and with how healthy each one of the partners is. A person who is already vulnerable and gets into a RS that ends poorly will have a much harder time than a person who's strong and standing on their own two feet before getting in a RS.

 

of course, there are also really toxic dynamics who would suck up the partners and rot even the healthiest person to the bone... now that... is really bad luck !

 

The highlighted bits are basically what I think. I did the initial "dumping" of each of the two women who I've been on here in the wake of. The first of which then convinced me to go friends-with-benefits, which led to a year of weird on/off and her finally telling me she couldn't do it anymore. But I was venting my sorrow on here immediately after I told her I was through. At that point I felt she was too needy, that I was being smothered, and that her plans for the future with me were a burden I couldn't bare. Ironically, though my brain always seemed to know it was for the best, I would go through months of indescribable pain when I finally found myself the one with no option to take her back. The next- told her I was leaving after a week and a half period during which I felt her behavior was driving me to be verbally abusive in a way that scared me. Tried to take her back several days later once the reality set in and it wasn't happening.

 

Like some have said- who is more hung up on the other isn't always an issue of who did the dumping. I have a friend who last week broke up with his girlfriend of several years, who has clearly expressed that she wants to have his children, marry him, etc while he's always been a bit scared of that prospect. He got lonely and changed his mind a couple nights ago, but she wasn't into continuing.

 

Who's more affected by the break up, and for a longer duration, often is just an issue of who has the ability to see the situation more objectively. The dreamers and romantics typically fare worse emotionally than the proactive ones with the any-partner-is-a-good-partner, just-gotta-find-someone-dependable attitude. Even if, like in my aforementioned buddy's ex's case, they were the ones geared up for longterm commitment.

 

Almost always, dumper or dumped, I would say that it is the person with the history/tendency toward serial monogamy who fares better emotionally. They may pine, on some subconscious level, for their lost love during their next ten f"cking years of lackluster relationships. But it will never be too intense because they are accustomed to simply accepting what comes their way. These are the ones who lose their unique, supposed "love-of-their-life" girl/guy and end up going "meh", accepting the dime-a-dozen dimwit coworker who always expressed interest, because it works. They are not romantics. They are not the real lovers. They can be made so, for a time, by a true romantic, but they are different. They may be the superficially lucky ones in the sense that emotionally they will mostly flatline and never experience the pain their counterparts will. And that ability to accept whoever, try out a wide spectrum, is enviable in some way. But most people aren't rare, so f"ck em and pity em because they'll never know the experience of f"cking magic you do as a hopeless romantic with your Titanic heart.

Edited July 14, 2015 by RogerWallace111

[Reiben17]

The highlighted bits are basically what I think. I did the initial "dumping" of each of the two women who I've been on here in the wake of. The first of which then convinced me to go friends-with-benefits, which led to a year of weird on/off and her finally telling me she couldn't do it anymore. But I was venting my sorrow on here immediately after I told her I was through. At that point I felt she was too needy, that I was being smothered, and that her plans for the future with me were a burden I couldn't bare. Ironically, though my brain always seemed to know it was for the best, I would go through months of indescribable pain when I finally found myself the one with no option to take her back. The next- told her I was leaving after a week and a half period during which I felt her behavior was driving me to be verbally abusive in a way that scared me. Tried to take her back several days later once the reality set in and it wasn't happening.

 

Like some have said- who is more hung up on the other isn't always an issue of who did the dumping. I have a friend who last week broke up with his girlfriend of several years, who has clearly expressed that she wants to have his children, marry him, etc while he's always been a bit scared of that prospect. He got lonely and changed his mind a couple nights ago, but she wasn't into continuing.

 

Who's more affected by the break up, and for a longer duration, often is just an issue of who has the ability to see the situation more objectively. The dreamers and romantics typically fare worse emotionally than the proactive ones with the any-partner-is-a-good-partner, just-gotta-find-someone-dependable attitude. Even if, like in my aforementioned buddy's ex's case, they were the ones geared up for longterm commitment.

 

Almost always, dumper or dumped, I would say that it is the person with the history/tendency toward serial monogamy who fares better emotionally. They may pine, on some subconscious level, for their lost love during their next ten f"cking years of lackluster relationships. But it will never be too intense because they are accustomed to simply accepting what comes their way. These are the ones who lose their unique, supposed "love-of-their-life" girl/guy and end up going "meh", accepting the dime-a-dozen dimwit coworker who always expressed interest, because it works. They are not romantics. They are not the real lovers. They can be made so, for a time, by a true romantic, but they are different. They may be the superficially lucky ones in the sense that emotionally they will mostly flatline and never experience the pain their counterparts will. And that ability to accept whoever, try out a wide spectrum, is enviable in some way. But most people aren't rare, so f"ck em and pity em because they'll never know the experience of f"cking magic you do as a hopeless romantic with your Titanic heart.

 

I know my post should have some substance,

 

But I can't help saying id like this a hundred times over

[Popsicle]

Dumpers can be upset, even very upset, but ultimately it was their decision and that gives them comfort. It also gives them the power to reverse things if they want to.

 

Dumpees feel they have no power - they are helpless and hopeless, blindsided, frustrated and distraught.

 

Yeah I think I agree with this.

 

I think only those ho have been dumped make threads in this section.

Edited July 14, 2015 by Popsicle

[candie13]

I disagree. I keep dumping men and I keep making threads there too. It's not because I initiate break ups that I am not biting my fingers like there's no tomorrow or cursing my partner or hurting like hell. I did not leave those RS because I was happy. I have left those men because most of the times, they would be deceptive as to their feelings or as to the true nature of their intentions. Now, I prefer to hit my head on all the walls in my house and cry all the tears in my body on my own kitchen floor than stay with a man who choses to not be good for me.

[RoseHeart]

Yeah I think so. For the dumpee it is unexpected often and something out of the control. They are the ones left. The dumper is the one who had control and decided on the break up. However 2 exceptions would be cheating or if the person did something bad and the dumper was forced to end things. Then it would be difficult for even the dumper. But most people on here are the ones who got dumped.