My husband is lying...How do I address?

[LostinLifeGal]

Hello,

 

I am 36 married to my husband who is 41 for the last almost 13 years. We have a 3 year old son. We have had a very messed up marriage due to issues causes by my mom, and multiple health issues. I have MS, and he had a heart attack at age 40. We have no intimacy due to past issues, and now he just blames his cardiac issues for it but has no interest in ever fixing it. In short, many traumas and resentments. My son was born through artificial means. We are both of Indian origin. I was born in the US, and he grew up in India. His parents and older sister are still out there. They are all very very fond of me and constantly say they are lucky to have me as their daughter in law. We generally see them every 1.5 years. Either we go, or they come for LONG visits (2-3 months.) I think I have been great about all of that even though it's too much for me. But it's a norm per Indian culture...

 

One struggle we have had is my husband's guilt of being far away. He feels the need to compensate with money...Extravagant gifts for them etc. Many of which don't make sense. It feels like whenever we meet them he has a "set amount" in his mind that he must spend always a good $1000. We can afford it, but also sets wrong precedent. They are all financially well off. Previously, his older sister (who is RIDICULOUSLY wealthy) asked us if we could send all the tuition for her daughter's medical school in India from here because they needed it in dollars or something, and she would pay it back later. Actually, she asked my HUSBAND. These things are never asked in front of me. My husband just tells me this as if it's no big deal. We are talking about a good 40k a tear for 3 years. We are upper middle class but NOT wealthy! He just told me like it's no big deal. I was like, WAIT a minute. That's a LOT. How will we get it back? He gets mad when I ask questions which I think anyone would... We are husband and wife with joint accounts...Anyways, they ended up not needing it and they his sis asked same for her younger son's education, which we did in $5k for next 3 years...

 

My husband always tells me I never "encourage" him to visit his parents alone. Um, we see them generally every year (just like everyone else whose families live in india!) so it's never crossed my mind to "tell" him to go! Anyways, he recently decided to go by himself for a trip to visit them. I was fine with that, except I have now found lies and i don't know what to do with them. First, he told me his plane ticket cost $2300. When I saw bill it was $2700. Then, he told me that when he got to India, "last minute" his sis and he decided to take parents on surprise vacation to Goa (beach resort.) I found out he and sis had it planned before he left. And I think this is hurting me most.. I could care less what he gets for gifts for family, as long as reasonable. If anything, I volunteer to help him shop. So he texts me after he leaves for his trip "so I got my mom a coach wallet too. Got a great deal! $130 marked down to $60." Honestly, I could have cared less but thought it was odd that he just texted me on way to airport. So anyways, got his credit card bill while he was away. He had paid $105 for the wallet. I wouldn't have cared, but the fact that he went out of his way to actually come up with a story really hurt me! Funny thing is, I don't care what he gets for them, but yes, I have sometimes been like "don't do things out of guilt. Spending doesn't always equal love," and like anyone else would be, I was upset about him committing $$ to his sister without asking me first. What do I do with this lying? How do I address this? We already have a bad marriage and I THOUGHT we were trying to improve it, so this doesn't help..Please give me your thoughts.

[Realist3]

In my opinion you are too focused on white lies. Are you harmed in any way by these fibs about the cost of the things he purchases? It is actually very very common for spouses to understate the amounts they spend on things. It seems by your description that your marriage has FAR bigger issues than slight dollar amount differences your husband claims.

[LostinLifeGal]

It's not about the dollar amount. It's about the fact the he went out of his way to even make up a story about something so petty. Makes me wonder what else he would lie about. If he didn't tell me and I saw it on bill, wouldn't have cared, but the fact that he made up a story really hurts.

[Ruby Slippers]

Lying is always a problem. In this case, it seems obvious to me that your husband is lying to you about his expenditures on his family in India because he knows you do not approve. He feels pressure to spend a certain amount of money and give a certain amount of gifts to his family, which I think is pretty normal for an Indian man, especially if he's the oldest son. Men from that part of the world are valued largely as providers for their wives, children, and families of origin - especially the oldest son.

 

I'm in a new relationship with a guy from the Middle East, and in our discussions, he's made it clear that while providing for his family (wife and children) will always come first, as long as we're comfortable and doing well, he hopes we can share some of the extra with his family in the Middle East and mine in the U.S. This is an important part of his culture and the way he was raised, and I understand it.

 

It doesn't seem as though his spending on his family of origin is affecting your life for the worse in any way. You're lucky that you're upper middle class and can afford these expenses. I get the impression that this is a control issue for you. I think that if you can learn to let go and trust your husband with his spending, you'll be a lot happier.

 

Also, I think the lack of sex is a much more significant issue in the marriage. If you're not having sex and are not taking any steps to remedy that, I think it's highly likely he could seek it elsewhere. I would make it a priority to bring back the lovin'.

[Got it]

In my opinion you are too focused on white lies. Are you harmed in any way by these fibs about the cost of the things he purchases? It is actually very very common for spouses to understate the amounts they spend on things. It seems by your description that your marriage has FAR bigger issues than slight dollar amount differences your husband claims.

 

The issue would be the lying. Why would he lie?

 

I disagree, this would be an issue in my marriage as well. We are both expected to be honest and so need to be honest about finances as well. It is about showing respect for the other party, the marriage, and treating the partner as a peer and like a parent and wayward child.

 

I would say something to him.

[LostinLifeGal]

I wouldn't have cared about how much. I'm just hurt that he would go out of his way to make up a story. And I have supported him spending on his family. But yes, within reason. Not always necessary to overspend on everything. Before he left, I said I could help him shop for his family trying to be nice. He tells me "make sure you don't pick up crap." I have NEVER picked up "crap" for his family or ANYONE else. It hurt so bad because firstly, I volunteered to help. Secondly, to say I would go and pick up crap. And third, he could care less if I gave my dad an eraser for his birthday. Never asked. Doesnt care. Only with his own is he so sensitive. That's what hurts. And now, lying. So I think lying is unacceptable and only further breaks trust. But my question is, how do I bring this up without being accusing?

[elaine567]

Also, I think the lack of sex is a much more significant issue in the marriage. If you're not having sex and are not taking any steps to remedy that, I think it's highly likely he could seek it elsewhere. I would make it a priority to bring back the lovin'.

 

I could be wrong, but I think it is HIS cardiac issues that are causing the lack of sex.

[Ruby Slippers]

He tells me "make sure you don't pick up crap."

 

And third, he could care less if I gave my dad an eraser for his birthday. Never asked. Doesnt care. Only with his own is he so sensitive. That's what hurts.

 

And now, lying. So I think lying is unacceptable and only further breaks trust. But my question is, how do I bring this up without being accusing?

The first comment is rude and insensitive. That's a quality of his character, which you can't do much if anything to change.

 

The second is another example of being insensitive to you and selfish. Again, an ingrained quality of his character.

 

And the third, again, is an example of him being insensitive and selfish.

 

I guess the best you can do is tell him you think these incidents show selfishness and lack of sensitivity, express how it makes you feel. But the problem is that we are who we are. If your husband is selfish and insensitive, unfortunately, those are qualities of character that aren't going to change much just because you bring them up. Anytime I've expressed feelings like this to a man, things didn't really change - there were recurring similar incidents throughout the relationship, and I eventually got fed up and left.

 

In the big picture, I think you're going to have to learn to accept your husband as he is and live with the situation, or get a divorce and move on. I wish I could say something more promising - but the man he is now is the same man you married and the same man he will always be.