marrying him for revenge

[Thomek]

Hi Everyone

 

I'm a female (not using my real name her) and I just found out my fiancé has cheated on me again.

 

We've been together for 9 years. He is my first lover and I always stayed loyal to him. I was very young and naive when I first met him. He is 12 years older than me. At first he looked like prince charming...but then I found out he lied a lot, he did coke, he still had a girlfriend (he cheated on her with me but I did not know this...then he broke up with her and said he chose me) and he did not pay his bills.

 

I decided to stay with him because I believed underneath all this he still is a good person. I forgave him and I gave him my money to pay off his debts. I helped him to get off the drugs and live a good life...this has worked. He kept his job al this time, he doesn't do drugs anymore and I make sure his bills get payed (with his money). He thanked me a lot for this and he seems happy (or seemed happy anyway...)

 

After so many years and a lot of stress (paying of the debts was hard) we finally are in a good place. He changed a lot and he asked me to marry him now that everything is stable. He wants me to marry him, so the house he now owns will also become 'my' house and if he is not longer there (because he's older) I won't fall back on nothing. My brother helped a lot with renovating the house (for free) and I also put my own money in this house.

 

We're supposed to get married in december.

 

Until a few weeks ago I saw him with another woman. She is a big flirt...but I believe if you love someone else you can resist anyone, right?

She tried to seduce him while I was in the kitchen of a friend's house and they were in the garden...I walked outside and they didn't notice me...I saw them kissing and his hands were in her skirt.

 

My heart started pounding. I could not breathe, I felt SO bad...I quickly ran away and until now I still pretend as if I did not see anything. This is so humiliating and painful.

 

First I was thinking: 'Im gonna confront him and walk away...'

 

My second thought (and here I need your honest opinion and advice) is this:

 

'I'm not going to say a thing. I will marry him and take 'revenge'.

 

Why?

 

If I don't marry him, I've not only lost a love (I never really had) but I will loose my home were my brother has worked so hard on, all the money I gave my fiancé to pay off his debts,...all the hard work I did...all for nothing.

 

I will marry him and he will cheat again. Then I will confront him and divorce him and he will have to pay me half of the house back and the things that are inside the home (which I also bought with him) will have to be split up.

 

That way I will not loose everything.

 

What do you think? Is this a sad, stupid plan of me? Or do I deserve something? I waisted 9 (of my young) years on this man...so much money, I had so much stress and cried so much just to make this work and to help him to get his life on tracks...

 

He really betrayed me. again.

 

And I've had enough. I don't love him anymore, I cannot forgive him this time.

 

I do not really want to marry him but I want my money back, of a part of it...

 

What would you do?

[GorillaTheater]

I think you've wasted enough time on this chump, and I wouldn't waste a second more.

 

The old saying is that when you plan revenge, dig two graves. That seems especially apt in your case.

[Thomek]

Yes. That's what I'm afraid of...because I normally am not the 'revenge-type' at all.

I just feel so so dumb. I really did love him..but not anymore

Thank you

[LoveRefreshed]

lol, Didn't go where I thought that was.

 

 

 

 

Well friend, you shouldn't have tried to fix him. That never works. Why oh why do you ladies do this, I'll never fathom. Make sure you avoid it in the future.

 

Now, about fiscal situations, if this is life or death, then you might want too. However, I really advise seeking out legal advice because I think there are stipulations on time of marriage and what not before you get access to half his loot. I don't know, but laws and litigation in real life is not movie style.

 

Second, you are sure you're not lying to yourself to tolerate it once more and hope for change? Read what you said.

I will marry him and he will cheat again. Then I will confront him and divorce him and he will have to pay me half of the house back and the things that are inside the home (which I also bought with him) will have to be split up.

 

 

You know he's already betrayed you, why waste any more of your life to him? Time is worth more than this guys bull**** forever. Plus you need to really concern your self with very real things like babies and STDs. What about in your waiting time to catch him, he's cheating on you with several girls you don't know about, and he gets an STD from one? What about when he "oopses" that night he came home drunk and now you're "oopse pregnant?". Yeah, abortions are rough on your body and emotional state and they aren't cheap. Kids aren't cheaper.

 

 

I am pretty sure if you have proof of cheating right before marriage, you could use that in legal proceedings, but again, I don't know adulteration laws and it probably varies from state to state. I advise again to meet up with a lawyer.

 

 

If I were you, I wouldn't do it. I would look for other means. Does have anything of value you can just take and sell before you break up with him? Get him to give you some money for something large and then break up with him. Tell him he gets the house, you keep the loot.

 

May be risky if he seeks legal action. The other alternative is to work and save for the next few months. Don't give him anything. Save your loot and move out.

[Thomek]

Thank you for your advice. Maybe I should ask a lawyer.

He has some very expensive things I could sell...but the thought of doing this now kind of scares me.

 

I'm hoping I'm not lying to myself...when I say I will marry him and then confront him. I really want to but I must admit it scares me...plus the thought of marrying him now makes me feel like a liar to my family and close friends.

 

Next time I will (hopefully) find a nice, good guy? You are right about me trying to fix him. It's in my nature, I will always help a friend (also people I don't know that well or are just friends), I guess even a bad friend...don't know why I always do this.

 

I'm going to ask a lawyer what to do

[Space Ritual]

You get what you sow....

 

You basically want a return on a bum investment you have continued to pour money into when you have thrown caution to the wind over the course of nine years.

 

I think you should probably pick up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Your first post screams loudly that a reading of the book is in order.

 

Your conundrum is entirely on you. You have had ample time to walk away yet you are staying for spite. That's no way to live.

 

Good Luck, you are gonna need a boatload of it.

[elaine567]

Yes go see a lawyer and weigh up the possibilities financially. Do not tell him of your plan though.

 

Also you have to consider if you as a person can handle the situation. Are you strong enough to take this to its ultimate conclusion?

[Chi townD]

Marrying him when you even don't love him. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

 

 

I agree with everyone else. Talk to a lawyer and see about suing him for the amount owed and your brother can do the same.

[Thomek]

I'm not sure... I tried to leave him before, a long time ago and he became really agresive and crazy: destroying furniture in the house, screaming that he would kill himself...

 

It does scare me a lot plus I feel bad for my brother, my parents, they have NO idea. They think our relationship is perfect and that he is just a nice guy that had some financial problems because he's just not good with handeling bills and that kind of stuff.

 

This is my fault. He lied and I pretended of lied for him...to make him look better than he really is...because I thought I was in love and he loved me

[Thomek]

Thanks. I will have to tell my brother first. God, this hurts...

[Thomek]

Thanks. I guess you're right...what a waist of time.

Never thought I would become one of these women, I think a need a lawyer and a psychiatrist...well I'll pay them with his money. At least I will have had that

[kendahke]

First I was thinking: 'Im gonna confront him and walk away...'

 

My second thought (and here I need your honest opinion and advice) is this:

 

'I'm not going to say a thing. I will marry him and take 'revenge'.

 

 

So you're going to stand before God and lie? Seriously? That's not why you marry. You marry because you love the person, will honor them, cherish them and be faithful to them---those 4 reasons are the furthest from the reason of revenge and IMO, very, very stupid.

 

Cut your losses and dump him. You can't possibly be that hard up for a man.

 

Take his behind to court if you want your money. Heck, you knew he was capable of cheating because of how you got with him. Why you didn't protect your investment going in is beyond me--why would you put his name on your property when you knew the kind of man he was going in? You thought because it was you who did all this work on him that he would be grateful and not be who he always has been, even before you and certainly while with you?

 

Honey, you betrayed yourself by getting with a cheating liar.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm not sure... I tried to leave him before, a long time ago and he became really agresive and crazy: destroying furniture in the house, screaming that he would kill himself...

 

Sounds like yet another very good reason to get this guy out of your life as soon as possible.

 

And seriously, do NOT get pregnant in the meantime. You want to add another layer of f*cked-up-ness to this story, that would be a great way to do it.

[Thomek]

No. I won't get pregnant. I don't want children, at least not with him and I don't have sex with him anymore. I can't.

He disgusts me.

[kendahke]

I'm not sure... I tried to leave him before, a long time ago and he became really agresive and crazy: destroying furniture in the house, screaming that he would kill himself...

 

Call the police when he does this. They can commit him for 24 hours and he can be held accountable for destroying your property.

 

It's long past time that you quit enabling this loser.

[Thomek]

I did not even know that.

 

I thought the police only came for physical abuse?

 

Thank you! I will have to do that...I already know he's going to freak out

[kendahke]

I did not even know that.

 

I thought the police only came for physical abuse?

 

Thank you! I will have to do that...I already know he's going to freak out

 

If they threaten to kill themselves, then they are a danger to themselves and the police will come get them and take them to the psyche ward for evaluation.

[sandylee1]

Don't waste your time marrying him

It's madness having all your loved ones at a fake wedding.

Whatever you can do before you leave him, without getting yourself into trouble is up to you.

 

Get your plan in action to leave him and when you know when you're going, tell him you know he cheated and you saw his hand up her skirt and wish him a happy life without you. Then walk out and don't look back.

[Thomek]

you are so right.

I can't even believe I was thinking/planning to do this...

That would be cheating on all my friends, my family.

 

I went to his work, just an hour ago, wanted to confront him but his colleague was in the office and I turned around. I'm now waiting for him to come home.

 

I'm going to try to confront him calmly and stay at a hotel this night.

 

He probably will say that his cheating is my fault or threaten me. I hope I can ignore that and just leave when he does that. Really don't want this to escalate.

[elaine567]

you are so right.

I can't even believe I was thinking/planning to do this...

That would be cheating on all my friends, my family.

 

I went to his work, just an hour ago, wanted to confront him but his colleague was in the office and I turned around. I'm now waiting for him to come home.

 

I'm going to try to confront him calmly and stay at a hotel this night.

 

He probably will say that his cheating is my fault or threaten me. I hope I can ignore that and just leave when he does that. Really don't want this to escalate.

 

If you think he is about to go nuts like he did previously, then perhaps you need some support from a friend or family member being there too, rather than face him on your own.

Personally I would wait until I had consulted a lawyer before saying anything to him.

[Thomek]

Mhh. I find this so difficult.

I don't even know how to 'act'. If I wait with confronting him and he acts nice..what should I do? Pretend there's nothing going on? Or...

[Clarence_Boddicker]

If you wont get emotionally involved & talk to a lawyer that you hire, so you have lawyer client confidentiality & he thinks you can prevail, go for it. I wonder how long you have to stay married to get your 50% back. Factor in the legal fees.

[CarrieT]

I'm not sure... I tried to leave him before, a long time ago and he became really agresive and crazy: destroying furniture in the house, screaming that he would kill himself

 

How would/will it be different when/if you try to leave him AFTER you are married?!?!

[Space Ritual]

Mhh. I find this so difficult.

I don't even know how to 'act'. If I wait with confronting him and he acts nice..what should I do? Pretend there's nothing going on? Or...

 

 

You need to stick to your guns.

 

I am sorry you found yourself in such a precarious position but rest assured the sooner you eject this jackass from your life the better off you will be.

 

You will get a Carousel of responses from him, ranging anywhere from him telling you that you need an eye exam all the way to telling you that it's your fault. Please be prepared to Walk way this very night.

 

What is more important than anything this guy does is how you treat yourself going forward. You are not the first person to hitch their star to a moron, but you have got to see your own self worth is worth preserving.

 

Keep reminding yourself you are better than this....because you are!

[Trimmer]

I think you need to be sure that you make a plan for what you are going to do for your own life. At the moment, it sounds like a lot of your energy and thought is going into a plan for how you are going to confront him. The problem with this is that the outcome of "confronting him" is very much dependent on how he reacts, and none of that really gets you to your long term goal: moving forward to making progress again in your own life.

 

I suggest you start with putting thoughts of him aside: assume he is gone; what is your goal, where do you want to be in 1 month, 6 months, a year, several years? Then figure out how to make that happen (without him). This is the most important thing for you to figure out right now.

 

Once you are settled on a plan for your life, then "confronting him" is simply a detail. "Here's what is happening, and you are not a part of it..." At that point, who cares how he reacts? His reaction doesn't change your plan.

 

Focusing on him and his reactions and confronting him is just holding you back and distracting you from moving forward. You have some important decisions to make about your own future. Deciding how to confront him is just a distraction from the important stuff.