gamergal Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Don't waste anymore time. Don't marry someone for revenge or else you may end up stuck in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship longer than you anticipated while plotting "revenge". Another scenario... If he's cheating and you know about it, and if you marry, I'm sure you will be sleeping together. What if he gives you an STI or whatever they are called these days...? Good luck, but I don't think you should do it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomek Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Yes...I waited. He's gone now...and I'm sitting here. He did notice I was not in a 'good' mood...it's hard to hide my feelings. I will wait until tomorrow to tell him, I've told my best friend. She did not even question me, such a good friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomek Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 I've not enough money saved to be living alone right now...I have spend it on the house and his debts... I guess I can go and live with my parents for now. I kind of do know what I want in my future and he does not need to be it it Thank you for your advice!!! Really appreciate it! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Yes...I waited. He's gone now...and I'm sitting here. He did notice I was not in a 'good' mood...it's hard to hide my feelings. I will wait until tomorrow to tell him, I've told my best friend. She did not even question me, such a good friend. Let your friend know when you are going to confront him, so she can check you're ok and give you some support. Good luck!! You're much better off without him, money comes and goes, health and well-being can't be bought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Consider it a lesson learned, and cut him off. If you read your own first post here I think you will agree that this guy wore you out quite a bit; I think you'll improve in no time once he's out of the picture. *high five* to you, time to kick his arrogant butt tomorrow! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomek Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Thank you for all your support!!! I told him today and he just left without saying anything. Very strange. I'm now packing most of my important stuff together with my best friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) Stop paying his debts. It's time for him to do that. If he can't then he faces the consequences of his own actions. Take pictures of the inside of your home before you leave and make sure they're date and time stamped. Do a video walkthrough while you're at it. You need evidence for what the place looked like today because he may try to trash it. I personally would not leave my own home, but I understand that you feel you must do what you need to do. I would certainly look into serving him with an eviction notice, but do research that thoroughly before hand. He may end up squatting in your house, not paying any rent/mortgage and it will be hard to get him out of there. I suggest you try to arrange for some family or friends to move in with you and make it uncomfortable for him to remain there. Edited July 14, 2015 by kendahke 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomek Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Ah okay, I will do that. I already left, but I have a key, I can go a take pictures, film, when he's at work. He just called me on the phone and asked: 'what are you up to what do you think you are doing?' I told him again what I knew and he denied everything. He keeps saying that it's not true and that I'm acting stupid and when I said (a couple of times) that I know what I saw, he just laughed and said 'I don't remember anything, I was drunk and I did not do that'... Then he said that it was my fault that I invited the flirty friend...I can't even believe this. He's just laughing at me. I tried to stay calm but I shouted that he had no respect for me and that he's a liar and I hung up the phone Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 He will try to gaslight you (make it seem like you imagined everything). Stay strong! You did the right thing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) 'I'm not going to say a thing. I will marry him and take 'revenge'. I'm glad you realized what a complete LOSER and USER this piece of sh*t is. I actually kind of like the idea of you marrying him then dragging him over the coals in divorce court. Oh - and see if you can talk him into a vasectomy because you don't want kids. Damn, that could have been fun, screwing him over again and again. Edited July 14, 2015 by Lois_Griffin Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I'm glad you decided against the revenge marriage thing. It wouldn't have worked. In a divorce (where I'm at, at least), any assets that an individual owned prior to the marriage would remain with that individual. Same thing with debts. Any assets or debts that were obtained during the marriage would be considered "marital." Sometimes assets or debts from before the marriage can become marital if there was comingling of funds. But it would be VERY unlikely that you'd get half of his house and his stuff, especially if it were a short marriage. As for the money you've invested in him and the house, unless you explicitly agreed that it was a loan, you've probably lost it but I'd probably talk to an attorney anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 It's called "gaslighting" - more lies hoping it will keep you from leaving, a very common manipulation technique. Trust your gut, not that rat. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 That is so obvious that the OP has co-dependent issue, i.e. try to give $ to the guy, try to fix the guy (a.k.a try to fix something that fixable), how come you all experienced readers not figuring out at the first place. The common sense is that when a woman meets a guy that accept the woman's money, she shall run, and fast. But for a co-dependent person, she will go down the black hole together with the guy, if she is not able to cut him off completely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) If you wont get emotionally involved & talk to a lawyer that you hire, so you have lawyer client confidentiality & he thinks you can prevail, go for it. I wonder how long you have to stay married to get your 50% back. Factor in the legal fees. Where I live the 9 yrs will be classed as a defacto relationship (marriage) and there will be a split of the assets, but not where you live it seems. As someone who believes in revenge I thought your idea had merit, though revenge was not the primary motive rather recouping you & your family's time and investment in his house & debts was the main motive. With people marrying less these sorts of scenarios will occur often where if one partner has contributed a lot more to the relationship but without any longterm security. Talk to a lawyer and see what your chances of recovering you & your families expenditure in his house. I doubt you will recover the money you paid to expunge his debts as that could likely get classed as a gift out of love. As for the house you might have a chance but given his reaction over your past split,be prepared for a shyte fight over it, and him denying a lot of what you say. Maybe someone on here who is clued up on family law can give you some advice. Good luck. Edited July 15, 2015 by ascendotum Link to post Share on other sites
I4givehim Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Hi Everyone I'm a female (not using my real name her) and I just found out my fiancé has cheated on me again. We've been together for 9 years. He is my first lover and I always stayed loyal to him. I was very young and naive when I first met him. He is 12 years older than me. At first he looked like prince charming...but then I found out he lied a lot, he did coke, he still had a girlfriend (he cheated on her with me but I did not know this...then he broke up with her and said he chose me) and he did not pay his bills. I decided to stay with him because I believed underneath all this he still is a good person. I forgave him and I gave him my money to pay off his debts. I helped him to get off the drugs and live a good life...this has worked. He kept his job al this time, he doesn't do drugs anymore and I make sure his bills get payed (with his money). He thanked me a lot for this and he seems happy (or seemed happy anyway...) After so many years and a lot of stress (paying of the debts was hard) we finally are in a good place. He changed a lot and he asked me to marry him now that everything is stable. He wants me to marry him, so the house he now owns will also become 'my' house and if he is not longer there (because he's older) I won't fall back on nothing. My brother helped a lot with renovating the house (for free) and I also put my own money in this house. We're supposed to get married in december. Until a few weeks ago I saw him with another woman. She is a big flirt...but I believe if you love someone else you can resist anyone, right? She tried to seduce him while I was in the kitchen of a friend's house and they were in the garden...I walked outside and they didn't notice me...I saw them kissing and his hands were in her skirt. My heart started pounding. I could not breathe, I felt SO bad...I quickly ran away and until now I still pretend as if I did not see anything. This is so humiliating and painful. First I was thinking: 'Im gonna confront him and walk away...' My second thought (and here I need your honest opinion and advice) is this: 'I'm not going to say a thing. I will marry him and take 'revenge'. Why? If I don't marry him, I've not only lost a love (I never really had) but I will loose my home were my brother has worked so hard on, all the money I gave my fiancé to pay off his debts,...all the hard work I did...all for nothing. I will marry him and he will cheat again. Then I will confront him and divorce him and he will have to pay me half of the house back and the things that are inside the home (which I also bought with him) will have to be split up. That way I will not loose everything. What do you think? Is this a sad, stupid plan of me? Or do I deserve something? I waisted 9 (of my young) years on this man...so much money, I had so much stress and cried so much just to make this work and to help him to get his life on tracks... He really betrayed me. again. And I've had enough. I don't love him anymore, I cannot forgive him this time. I do not really want to marry him but I want my money back, of a part of it... What would you do? GET OUT NOW!!!! Count your blessings and RUNNNNN.... Please don't marry him because of revenge. I'm getting divorced and it's not fun. He has disrespected you in so many ways. Please take it from someone who has been there.... RUN!!! DON'T MARRY HIM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 If you do this you are just as disgusting as he is. So yeah, probably best that you decided against it. Link to post Share on other sites
Perrier Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I'm not sure... I tried to leave him before, a long time ago and he became really agresive and crazy: destroying furniture in the house, screaming that he would kill himself... It does scare me a lot plus I feel bad for my brother, my parents, they have NO idea. And you wanted to marry then divorce him? How do you think he would react - see above? OP yours is a worrying post. I hope you are heeding the superb advice others are giving. I can't understand why you sunk your money into an unsecured project, with a man who sees you as rubbish. This is a caveat to women who cohabit without getting the man's plan first. 'Reimbursement' doesn't favour cohabitees. He is already gaslighting you - please get out. And get counselling. You may have to write off your costs and take it as a painful lesson learned, however I'd still consult a family lawyer. Evan Mark Katz (r'ship guru) often cites 'sunk costs' as preventing women leaving painful /degrading RSs. Staying destroys self respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomek Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 Hi Everyone, thank your for all the replies! I've got an appointment with an attorney on Monday. In the meanwhile I'm still staying at my friends house. I have not told my family yet. I've been reading all your messages and appreciate every single word you all post here...although it's very hard for me to read all this. It gives me courage but at the same time I feel like I've been so weak, so stupid...all these years and I hope I don't make too many mistakes in the future. My 'ex'-fiancé keeps calling me and even my friend. I don't pick up the phone but he does keep sending me messages like crazy. I told this to my attorney on the phone (I quickly explained my situation) and he told me to send him 'one' message only and tell him to stop stalking me or I will call the police and then after that one message I should ignore him. My ex still has not told me the truth and still hasn't apologized. How can he expect me to even talk to him if he can't even do that??? I also didn't go back to the house because I heard he didn't go to work so he's probably just waiting for me??? It's too scary for me to go back. I will let you know how everything goes from here on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomek Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 thank you thank you so much will need the luck Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 My ex still has not told me the truth and still hasn't apologized. ^^^^ This is all you really need to know. He's not truly remorseful. And beyond that, he's a serial cheater. Keep doing precisely what you're doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Tell him to prove his love to you he's gotta sign over the house so your name is on the deed as well. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 ^^^^ This is all you really need to know. He's not truly remorseful. And beyond that, he's a serial cheater. Keep doing precisely what you're doing. This. Besides, he's just scared because he's finally realized this isn't just you leaving for a few days, it's you leaving for good so now he hopes he can manipulate you to get you back. Can you block him? For all relevant things he can contact and discuss with your lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
NoLeafClover Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I'm glad you realized what a complete LOSER and USER this piece of sh*t is. I actually kind of like the idea of you marrying him then dragging him over the coals in divorce court. Oh - and see if you can talk him into a vasectomy because you don't want kids. Damn, that could have been fun, screwing him over again and again. Wow, reallyy Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 No. I won't get pregnant. I don't want children, at least not with him and I don't have sex with him anymore. I can't. He disgusts me. This is a good idea. Get away from him ASAP Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts