Did I deserve so much punishment?

[remorseful_tab]

Mine is a very long story. I cannot fully verbalize it myself. So I will make it short:

I am a former wayward wife.

I was 3 yrs married and 1 yr with a newborn son when I met the other man in my new office.

The length of the affair was 1 yr 4 month.

The affair was a totally out of character behaviour for me. I had never cheated any exes before.

The affair was very damaging for my marriage and almost destroyed my relationship with my husband.

My husband found. He actually found out a month before confronting me.

He gave me two straight choices - end the affair and quit the job or divorce.

I took the previous.

As I got out of the affair, I did everything to recover my marriage and show my husband how remorseful I am and how much I loved him.

 

 

And now 8 yrs later he wants to divorce me because of my affair. The 8 yrs where I poured everything to recover the marriage, made new memories with my husband always trying to make him happy.

 

There is more. Many things happened in between those 8 years in which I understood how I have changed my husband and how he will not look at me the same way. But I reconciled with this in my mind that this was a new marriage and I should be glad that my husband is giving me a second chance after all I put him through.

 

And recently when announcing his one sided decision to divorce me he has revealed many things about his thoughts on my affair that he never told me before. I will mention this in subsequent posts.

 

But is there any way I can convince my husband not to divorce me and break up our family?

Edited July 13, 2015 by remorseful_tab

[Clay]

This is the price you pay for cheating. This is the price your children will pay for your cheating. Imagine the hell he went through for 8 years thinking about how little you loved him to sleep around with another man for over a year.

 

Not everyone can get over the pain of that. He is clearly a better man than most for even trying that long. Do the right thing and let him go. Its kind of amazing your pissed off at him for wanting to decide on his own when he wants out after you decided on your own to sleep with someone else for over a year.

 

Let him go and heal. He will find a woman that will give him the love and respect he deserves.

 

C

[Grumpybutfun]

Trust is very hard to rebuild once torn down. Your A was very long so I'm not sure why after such a short marriage, most of which you had been having an A, he would want to be with someone who cheated during the usual honeymoon period.....but sure, marriages can be rebuilt and Affairs recovered from.

 

Did you two ever try MC? Did he reconcile with you or just accept you back with anger and confusion in his heart?

Did you fix the issue which made you have the A to begin with, and is your husband aware of what that reason was?

Best,

Grumps

Edited July 13, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I'm very sorry you are dealing with this. It is a terrible situation.

 

Your example is one reason I wouldn't ever try to reconcile. I honestly don't believe I could do it and would hold that animus inside. I might try to do it, but ultimately I think I would fail.

 

This is punctuated by the fact, in your case, it was an extended relationship, over a year long. That's a lot of deliberate deceit. I couldn't get past it. I'd have left you to your boyfriend eight years ago.

 

But this isn't about me. But I understand what he's going through, I think. There's probably nothing you can do beyond what you have done to fix this. He should have left you eight years ago, but didn't for whatever reason. He probably discovered that he just couldn't do it.

 

I'm sorry you're enduring this. I doubt there's anything you can do at this point.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Not everyone can get over the pain of that. He is clearly a better man than most for even trying that long.

He's a better man than I am for trying, I agree. I wouldn't.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was 3 yrs married and 1 yr with a newborn son when I met the other man in my new office.

The length of the affair was 1 yr 4 month.

 

So when DDay occured, a third of your marriage had occurred with you involved with another man.

 

The affair was a totally out of character behaviour for me. I had never cheated any exes before.

 

The kind of comment that helps one understand why your husband had such a difficult time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[remorseful_tab]

I am not at all pissed at him. I am begging him to come home (he has moved out) and that I will be moving out and give him the space he needs.

 

I am crying everyday. He is hardly responding to my calls. If I am lucky to get him in call, he makes it clear he wouldn't talk to me anything other than our son. If I say "please", he immediately cuts the ca;;

 

The price I am paying is huge. I have a sad boy in my home who misses daddy terribly but knows that mommy and daddy is not getting back together. He is angry and hardly talking to me.

 

I understand I have to pay the price. But does our son have to too for the horrible mistakes I have made?

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I understand I have to pay the price. But does our son have to too for the horrible mistakes I have made?

Sometimes, yes. He will have to endure a burden because of your actions and your husband's reaction.

 

That's life. I've paid a price for other people's actions. Everyone has. It is part of life.

[lolablue17]

I don't think you can do much to convince him. This decision has been made through a long period, so he is "well baked" on that. What I can say, is that you (both) probably had made many mistakes during those 8 years.

 

On his side, he wasn't attentive to his dynamic feelings and he let himself dragging it for too long.

 

On your side, you let him be the only one who has control, and you didn't identify the deep rift between you. If you knew the real situation, you could have ended it after 1-2 years.

 

He surely was trying hard to forgive and to let it go, but i think you have to know when to give up fighting. And non of you was sharp enough to recognize the truth.

[remorseful_tab]

My affair started after I was 3 yrs married.

 

After pregnancy, my personality changed. I didn't understood it then but it was post partum depression. I was irritated with everything and this led to many fights with my husband. My husband was always trying to calm me in those fights but I didn't try to change myself. I always felt that I was making more sacrifice as a woman because of our son. I left my previous job. I resented the fact that I was left alone with the baby when my husband went out for work and work trips. I thought he was letting me carry all the burden when in reality he was doing his best as a husband and father to nuture our young family.

 

All this resentment in my mind distance me emotionally from my husband.

 

The affair was a result of this sh*tty mindset of my when I entered a new job after a year.

 

I did IC. I asked my husband to come to IC but he steadfastly refused everytime.

[spanz1]

sorry to hear of your predicament.

 

It seems like your husband really DID try to take you back and make a go of it. but like these things go on....after trying for many years he just can not get it out of his head. He probably sits there playing mind-movies of what you did sexually with this other man, over and over, in his head.

 

So it IS probably over. Sux that you put in all that effort to try to rebuild the marriage....but it just did not work.

 

One quesiton, when you did try to reconcile, did you tell him EVERYTHING? i.e. EVERY little detail he asked for? or did you try to "shield him" from the details to not hurt him. It seems that when you hold anything back, no matter how small, the spouse can sense that he is not getting the full truth, and it just gnaws away at them....every time they try to close hat memory, that gnawing feeling comes back again.

[RainDown]

I give your husband a lot of credit. 8 years is a long time to hang in there trying to fix the marriage you broke. Some people simply cannot get over that level of betrayal; for them, the marriage is never the same again and they can never look at you the same way again. Some people realize this instantly, some take a little longer, some take much longer.

 

I'm sorry your son is suffering from your mistake. This must be very hard for him.

[understand50]

remorseful_tab

 

The only thing that may work, is you to do the 180, and go No Contact accept with information about your son. Give him space, he will see he is letting go his marriage, and may decide that he can "forgive you". If he does, I would insist on MC, as it is clear that he has not work out his pain about the Affair. Right now, you just look weak.

 

My wife had a ONS very early in our relationship. She was my G/F at the time. To this day I still remember what she did. This is after 40 year of marriage. I also found out she did not tell me everything, about 10 years ago, and then forgave her all over again. None of this was easy.

 

This will be a tough mountain to clime, that best thing you can do is be the best mother to your son you can and be there if he wants to come back and reengage. If he does, make sure you both get into IC and MC, so this will not happen again. If he leaves you, find your own Happiness.

 

I wish you luck.

[Mrin]

That's the way the marriage crumbles...

 

Two thoughts:

 

1. Is your husband saying, "it all started with your affair and it went downhill from there" or is it a "I'm sorry, I just can't forgive you. I've been acting like I could but I want a divorce". The reason I ask is that the first is a perfectly legitimate explanation of why he wants a divorce. The marriage was damaged and never fully recovered. The second is BS in my opinion. That's what you say a year or two after an affair. Not 8 years later. After an affair you either reconcile or you don't. But you don't stick around 8 years more grinding that axe. Honestly, to say the latter is sanctimonious BS.

 

2. In the US 53% of marriages end in divorce. The average length of a first marriage is just under 8 years. So, you could say you beat the odds as I think you're what - 11 year married. You marriage has gone past it expiration date and your husband wants a divorce for a lot of reasons. Some are the usual you see here. Some are probably tied or originate from your affair. One of the biggest hurdles for anyone wanting a divorce is the "why". Both for themselves and for their spouse. The cynic in me says he's just using your bygone affair as a good "why". I mean, it is hard to argue back against that. My gut says there are a bunch of more "pedestrian" reasons as to why. Like he just doesn't love you anymore. Midlife crisis. Etc...

 

So ya, maybe your marriage has just reached its end and in reaching that end, he's decided to lay it at the feet of your affair. Ok, that's his story. He can tell it however he wants. The story you choose to tell yourself is up to you.

[sandylee1]

Don't view it as a punishment , but more of a consequence. I'm sure he's not doing it to punish you. It's more the fact that he's never got it out of his mind over the years.

 

He tried, but he can't get over it. I suggest that you take responsibility for hurting your son, without trying to blame your husband. I hope you've grown wiser over the years and take what you've learnt into a new relationship, as your marriage is over.

 

It seems your H wants out so that he doesn't spend any more years suffering from the trauma. He wants a chance of happiness and the possibility of having a new family before it's too late. Maybe he's read about BSs regretting not leaving after dday 20 and more years ago.

 

Focus on being the best mother you can be for your son. Just as your husband couldn't control your affair, you can't control his decision to get divorced now.

 

Stop begging him and prepare for a life without him, except as being a coparent.

[Clay]

I personally don't think you deserve another chance but I think the best thing you can do is just give him the space. If he asks for a divorce give it to him. Don't fight over money. Don't fight over anything. This is the one time you can show true remorse. Its a willingness to truly own your horrible choices and let him go live his life.

 

He will calm down at some point in time and then you both can talk.

 

C

[autumnnight]

Whatever the case, I really do think ending the marriage s for the best.

 

If he is still not feeling safe after 8 years because you have just been coasting, then you really can't complain.

 

If, for 8 years, you have been remorseful, repentant, transparent, patient, compassionate, caring, met his needs, helped him heal, tried to make amends....and after 8 years of that your A defines this marriage?

 

Why would you want to stay in a marriage like that anyway?

[oldshirt]

I agree with the above poster that said its not a punishment. It's a result of the loss of trust and connection and respect and esteem that he once held for you.

 

IMHO he stayed with you due to having a baby at the time in the house.

 

Now that the child is older, he/she no longer needs 24/7 2-parent care and is able to do OK living in two one-parent houses.

 

Your husband no longer feels the need for the two of you to be under the same roof in order to adequately raise your child and now he wants to move on with his life and perhaps meet a woman that he doesn't feel this kind of disdain for.

 

There really is no statute of limitations on throwing in the towel when your partner cheats on you. He may have initially went into the reconciliation in good faith and gave it his best but eventually realized he didn't have it in him to continue.

[aliveagain]

You had spent more the 25% of your marriage fu*king another man when your husband caught you. Perhaps you'd still be in the affair had he not discovered your infidelity because you weren't honest enough to end it and tell him on your own. Honestly, I think he stayed with you as long as he did for your child, 8 years is a long time to stay with someone you no longer trust.

 

Please don't tell us you never thought about your marriage ending if you were caught before you consciously decided to be O/M's affair partner. It doesn't matter how long it took him to pull the trigger, your the one that ended the marriage. Get yourself some help so you can be 100% in your next relationship. Your only starting to get what your husband felt 8 years ago, the death of his marriage with someone he thought he would grow old with. Most betrayed spouses have a hard time with the imbalance an affair creates. I think he honestly tried but it finally got to the point where his happiness is more important than yours and my guess is he didn't perceive the work you've done as being enough to make him feel safe with you.

[oldshirt]

And to be fair, couples split up at the 9 year Mark all the time anywAy. He may be claiming it on your affair so he doesn't look or feel like th bad guy, but there is a possibility your A doesn't really have much to do with it.

 

He may have just got to a point he doesn't want you any more that has nothing to do with the A.

 

Maybe He's even been having an A of his own or is wanting to graze in greener pastures.

 

Maybe he doesn't like the color of your nail polish.

 

Maybe He's just an *******.

 

Who really knows?

[oldshirt]

But either way, my opinion is he stayed for the child and now that the child is older, he's moving on On his own.

[Sandy43]

Having an A is not something you can "make up" to your spouse because the bottom line is the damage you have cause cannot be undone. There are no words or actions that take away the pain you have caused, you could have been a saint for the past 8 years but it does not erase the hurt or the memories he lives with daily. The hurt that you caused can't be forgotten... ever, it doesn't matter if you stay married for another 30 years, it will always be there. Your husband may have been harbouring resentment over the last 8 years, only he will know. You need to let him go and move on.

[elaine567]

And to be fair, couples split up at the 9 year Mark all the time anywAy. He may be claiming it on your affair so he doesn't look or feel like th bad guy, but there is a possibility your A doesn't really have much to do with it.

 

He may have just got to a point he doesn't want you any more that has nothing to do with the A.

 

Maybe He's even been having an A of his own or is wanting to graze in greener pastures.

 

Maybe he doesn't like the color of your nail polish.

 

Maybe He's just an *******.

 

Who really knows?

 

That was my feeling too, very convenient to blame an old A.

 

OP do not beat yourself up, you made a bad mistake having an affair, but you then did what you could to save your marriage thereafter and it hasn't worked out for you. It happens.

 

Do not take ALL the blame here, it takes two to tango and there may be more to all this, than you can imagine at present.

 

YOU have to be strong for your little boy now and help him get over this.

Be the best co-parent you can be and take time to heal.

It WILL get better.

[oldshirt]

 

And recently when announcing his one sided decision to divorce me he has revealed many things about his thoughts on my affair that he never told me before. I will mention this in subsequent posts.

 

 

 

Could you please share what those things your H told you were.

 

It may or may not gives us some more insight that may be able to help.

[drifter777]

I was in a very similar situation as your husband in that I also decided to stay (come back) and hope I could learn to live with her cheating. We had a 5 year-old son and trying to save our family for him coupled with my fear of being alone kept me stuck. Six years later we had another child and then another. Horrible mistake although I love my children more than I love my own life which is why I've sacrificed so much of it for what I believe to be their well-being.

 

I'd like to think that if I was older (I was 25 when she cheated) and actually talked to someone who could help me with my own feelings, I would never have agreed to more children and left her when my son was about the same age as yours. I would have been confident I would get shared custody and that by the time he was 12 or so he would choose to live with me full time.

 

I don't know your husband's heart, but his actions make complete sense to me. There's no "deserve" involved with this situation after this much time. Its about his peace of mind and regaining his self-esteem by doing now what he needs to do to balance the scale. You killed your marriage - it just took 8 years to die.

 

Your husband trying to maintain zero contact with you is a well thought out strategy for HIS recovery. You need to work on your own recovery.

Edited July 13, 2015 by drifter777