Did I deserve so much punishment?

[autumnnight]

So they both may have been trying their best, but if youre working hard at the wrong thing, that really isn't going to get you where you need to go.

 

Immense wisdom in this simple statement

[ladydesigner]

This… I totally agree. The thing here is that people who have no clue what it's like to be betrayed don't get that yes, it may have happened a while ago, but that doesn't mean that the effects and pain of it leave you forever. And I don't think it's wrong for him to have tried to work on the marriage for however long he did and realize in the end it isn't what's right for him. It's silly that certain people here assume that he planned to leave this whole time and stayed in order to trick his wife, or this or that when none of us know what's happening from his pov aside from what his wife is sharing.

 

I agree we do not have all the facts we can only offer ideas as to why this may have turned out this way. Many of the BS are not trying to hammer the OP just offer some insight into how many BS's feel.

 

I may end up like this OP's BS for all I know. I'm going on 3 years post Dday and 1 year out from False R and I am no where near "In Love" with my WH. I hope we can make it. What I don't know is if I will still want to be married to WH or even if he will want to stay married to me. We have both changed significantly since both of our A's.

[sweet_pea]

You mean like your post just assumed?

 

LMAO but what exactly did I assume? I'm literally working with what the OP said, unlike some people

[66Charger]

So they both may have been trying their best, but if youre working hard at the wrong thing, that really isn't going to get you where you need to go.

 

Regardless of the projections and the cheaters vrs BS battles, it is obvious that whatever her efforts were, they werent the right ones. She had 8 years to right a wrong. That is a fact. She was unsuccessful.

 

What is amazing is that the tone here from the OP is reflected in the WS who cheer her on and slam the husband. Somehow, this has become his fault for staying. Twisted twisted logic.

 

Some have no shame.

Edited July 15, 2015 by 66Charger

[turnera]

And of course, in a REAL marrtage, the BS would being doing these things for the WS too, correct? Or does the WS do this with zero need meeting or reciprocation from the BS.....

IMHO, once a person cheats, their marriage is forever altered...from THEIR actions. And the BS has ALLOWED them to stay married after that betrayal, so the BS has a right to expect the FWS to try to make it up to them, to prove that they deserve to GET to stay married to the BS.

 

Of course, the FWS also has the right to leave the marriage at any time. And should, if the BS is treating him/her like dirt or being abusive.

 

Should the BS be treating his/her spouse with respect and meeting their needs? Of course. Any marriage should have that.

 

Should the FWS have a bigger obligation to ENSURE they are meeting ENs and treating their spouse with respect? Yes. Now that they have broken the BS's heart, they DO have a bigger obligation. Before the event, they are equals. After the event, they are having to prove themselves. Because of their own actions.

 

At some point, the BS may be able to get past the hurt and live like they did before. But that is not a given. That's the chance the FWS takes in asking to be kept in the marriage.

 

My take is that if a FWS is saying 'why am I being punished,' they don't get it. And they probably never got it.

[dreamingoftigers]

But that's what happens. The WS also can pull the plug and leave at any time they choose. Sometimes the cost to the WS to work at feeling remorse and having empathy and compassion for the one they betrayed is too much to ask.

 

Some WS feel that because for them the affair is over it should all be forgotten. Dang. Sorry. OOPS my bad. Now can't you just get over it already? IMO if the WS feels the work is too much work, then they should leave.

 

Initially there's a lot of shock that goes on with being betrayed. Especially in LTA's. Information is needed so the BS can sort out what the reality was of those past years. Then they have to process it and see if they can live with it. And sometimes even after working at it for years the BS comes to the conclusion that it's never going to get better for them and that they would be better off without their WS.

 

There is no statute of limitations on cheating because healing takes as long as it takes.. years.. decades maybe, if it happens at all. THAT is what the WS signs up as soon as they slip between the sheets with their AP.

 

If a WS doesn't want to live that way - well there's the door.

 

I remember after Dday when my WW was complaining about me crying all the time - and her premise was that I was crying just to make her feel bad (with the added remark that it wasn't working). I told her that she stabbed me in the heart and now she was complaining about my blood getting all over her nice dress. It's kinda like that.

ETA

 

I don't hold anything over her head. We're fine now. It was a very rough road, but we're good together now. Healing is possible, but it isn't quick and it sure as hell isn't easy.

 

I had a very similar experience. Genders reversed of course.

 

Lots of yelling at me about "trying to make him feel bad."

[autumnnight]

IMHO, once a person cheats, their marriage is forever altered...from THEIR actions. And the BS has ALLOWED them to stay married after that betrayal, so the BS has a right to expect the FWS to try to make it up to them, to prove that they deserve to GET to stay married to the BS.

 

Of course, the FWS also has the right to leave the marriage at any time. And should, if the BS is treating him/her like dirt or being abusive.

 

Should the BS be treating his/her spouse with respect and meeting their needs? Of course. Any marriage should have that.

 

Should the FWS have a bigger obligation to ENSURE they are meeting ENs and treating their spouse with respect? Yes. Now that they have broken the BS's heart, they DO have a bigger obligation. Before the event, they are equals. After the event, they are having to prove themselves. Because of their own actions.

 

At some point, the BS may be able to get past the hurt and live like they did before. But that is not a given. That's the chance the FWS takes in asking to be kept in the marriage.

 

My take is that if a FWS is saying 'why am I being punished,' they don't get it. And they probably never got it.

 

So basically, you do not believe in redemption, because the WS should always be "less than."

 

Understood.

[stillcold]

Hi OP.

 

I feel your pain, I know it sucks, and I know you are hurting deep down inside because you truly love him and feel sorry for what you did to him, but most times the pain an affair inflicts on the betrayed spouse is irrepairable damage. More likely than that, your husband knew from day one he couldn't live with the betrayal and decided to stick it out for your child. Even though he stayed for his child initially, and you guys had rebuilt memories so-to-speak, and he seemed happy for sometime years later, and you truly gave it your best to make him happy after what you did, some people just cannot bear the pain of a betrayal. I know I couldn't, if I had to look at my wife everyday knowing that she betrayed me that bad, then trying to love her again would be impossible for me considering that she had betrayed me that deeply and for well over a year and half. After giving her my heart and soul and for her to do that, there truly is no room for marriage anymore; forgiveness, yes, but marriage, no, they are two different things.

 

For some people, and I'm sure for your husband, infidelity is an instant deal breaker. And it's not just because it's some rule he follows, but because of how bad the pain is and the fact that he believes he deserves better. As sorry as it is for me to say, and I say this to you in a the most kind way and as a person who sympathizes with you, he does deserve better. You didn't deserve a second chance, and you still don't; again, I say this as someone who feels your pain, because it is the truth. Any time you had with him was because of his mercy on you, and even though 8 years later you feel it is unfair, it truly is not because the pain you inflicted on him does not go away in one day; it will last for years...

 

I'm really sorry OP that it turned out this way for you; I know you are heartbroken and I just want to tell you that even though you may be divorced, that doesn't 100% mean he won't ever take you back after that. People divorce and remarry at times; maybe this divorce will let him heal. Please keep us updated. I am here for you.

[turnera]

So basically, you do not believe in redemption, because the WS should always be "less than."

 

Understood.

Yeah. Pretty much. If I rob a store, I'll forever be known as the person who robbed a store. MAYBE ten, fifteen years down the line, people might forget. Or they might not.

[66Charger]

Why do you want to keep this marriage OP? What kind of "love" do you have for your husband? Can you explain to us how you really feel about him? Feel free to be as detailed as you were in the letter about the OM.

[darkbloom]

Yeah. Pretty much. If I rob a store, I'll forever be known as the person who robbed a store. MAYBE ten, fifteen years down the line, people might forget. Or they might not.

 

Unfortunately, that's the dice you roll when you make bad decisions. You decide to rob the store because you need the money. You weigh the pros and cons and figure the worst thing that can happen is jail time. You go to jail, do your time, get out. But people remember you. And they can't let it go because it caused an emotional impact on them. Memories fade in some and stick in others. That shadow of a poor decison follow you.

 

In terms of the affair, the BS is always going to have a scar caused by that lie and that hurt. And their view of their spouse is always going to be tainted with that. And their child is impacted by one very poor decision that was preventable.

 

The solution to this problem is to stop robbing and stop cheating.

[Seachan]

There's something self-pitying about the question,"did I deserve punishment?" Almost as if OP thinks she is the victim of some arbitrary forces. A lack of awareness that she herself made choices and decisions that have brought her to her current situation.

 

If she learns from this painful lesson, and understand that actions have consequences, then hopefully she will make better choices for herself and her son in the future.

 

It appears the concept of cause and effect escapes many WS's.

[Horton]

So basically, you do not believe in redemption, because the WS should always be "less than."

 

Understood.

You bring up redemption a lot on here and I believe you have the best of intentions, but I think you have an unbiblical view of what redemption actually entails. Redemption is being saved from the eternal punishment that we have incurred due to our sins and thus being changed (a new creation). It doesn't automatically shield us from the earthly consequences that our wrong actions merit. A murderer sitting on death row can be redeemed but that doesn't necessarily mean he shouldn't be put to death. The OP may truly be a changed person however that fact alone does not create any kind of moral obligation on the part of her betrayed husband to reconcile with her. He can recognize her new character and even forgive her and yet still be completely justified in walking away from the marriage.

 

(And no I'm not saying the OP is no different than a murderer sitting on death row, before people who don't understand what context is start accusing me of that.)

[nightmare01]

From GoodyBlue

It is true that the WS can pull the plug at any time as well but this guy was doing exactly what bs's rail about. He was lying about their true situation and not allowing her to make a decision about her own life with the truth of what the relationship was at her disposal. He gaslighted, trickle truthed, and outright lied.

 

Oh, but since she had an affair NEARLY A DECADE AGO. Was remorseful, three herself into the marriage, trusted him, he can pull the affair card any time. If you are one who believes that just divorce now. You don't have the right to hang that over someone's head if it is true reconciliation. He tricked.her.

 

Wow this one moved fast.

 

Lots of assumptions in Goody's post.

 

Assuming her BH was lying the whole time and was just waiting to spring the divorce on her once she got comfortable.

 

Assuming the OP (WW) invested heavily in the M and was doing everything her BH asked for to help them heal.

 

We don't know what was going on, and we are only getting one side of the story.

 

Coming from the POV of a BH, my guess is that he was trying to regain comfort in the relationship and in the end just finally realized he couldn't do it. Normally BS are counseled to wait one year before making a decision about divorce - this way there is time for emotions to cool and time to see if the WS is authentic about the affair being over.

 

The date of divorce coinciding with the anniversary of Dday is likely not a coincidence. But I doubt it was malicious. Instead I see it as the BS setting a date where he would make a decision either way. The date arrive and he realized that the M was not getting any better and that he still had triggers and was suffering - and would be better off without his WW.

 

Again my POV as a BH - I believe the OP (WW) probably thought things were fine and her BH was healed.. maybe because her BH stopped complaining and crying. So she thought he was "over it" and they could "put it in the past" and "move on". She probably relaxed and may have returned to old patterns of behavior. Maybe she stopped trying.

 

What happened amounts to a break down in communication. They probably should have been in counseling to help deal with the affair. They should have been talking to each other.

[velvette]

.

 

Again my POV as a BH - I believe the OP (WW) probably thought things were fine and her BH was healed.. maybe because her BH stopped complaining and crying. So she thought he was "over it" and they could "put it in the past" and "move on". She probably relaxed and may have returned to old patterns of behavior. Maybe she stopped trying.

 

What happened amounts to a break down in communication. They probably should have been in counseling to help deal with the affair. They should have been talking to each other.

 

 

Agreed. And, that is likely on both of them.

 

 

It is still the one thing that could save their marriage despite the fact they are at a breaking point and it would be nice if people would get off their high horses about their own agendas and stop attacking/demeaning the OP or the BS so the OP can feel comfortable coming here to talk about it. Not saying you are one of those people.

 

 

My guess is she has gone somewhere else since she is getting little advice here other than give up.

[Jkidding]

The affair was a totally out of character behaviour for me.

 

When I was 40 I discovered that I am not the man I thought I was. We hold image of ourselves (partly created and communicated to us by others), but that is not necessarily true. So when you say something like "totally out of character behaviour for me" sounds like you ... don't know yourself very well. Stopping lying to myself and accepting who I really am is something that I have not achieved yet, but I'll try.

[sandylee1]

When you ask if you deserve so much punishment, the question you also need to consider is does your husband deserve the punishment of having to stay in a marriage forever, when he can't get over your betrayal?

 

I actually think that by staying as long as he did, feeling like he did, he's punished himself, but he endured that punishment for the sake of your son. He's actually sacrificed his own happiness all those years, because had he left at the time/found someone else he would more than likely have healed by now.

 

One BH said he actually had to psych himself up and zone out when he was sleeping with his wife , because he couldn't get the images of her and the OM out of his head. It's been 2.5 years and it still happens. At some point he won't be able to carry on, despite his best efforts.

[oldshirt]

SHE was trying to reconcile. HE was biding his time for whatever reason. Jesus. Why would she leave? You know what? If I said it was day people would argue it is night. What is the point? Feels like a mob. Hope someone brought tar and feathers.

 

You are assuming he was in a false reconciliation from Day 1 and has been planning to leave for 8 years.

 

For all we know he may have poured his heart and soul into the reconciliation for 71/2 years and then realized the futility and decided not to continue.

 

Or he may have been sincere about the reconciliation at the time and something triggered it recently and he threw in the towel.

 

Or he may have been sincere about the R and gave it his all but it just didn't work out in the long run.

 

I think if he has been planning this for 8 years, he coulda came up with something better than this.

 

My personal opinion is he originally stayed to keep the family together (which he has stated) and probably tried to get past it, but after 8 years realized it wasn't going to work and the child was old enough and his relationship with his son was secure enough, he no longer wanted to remain yoked to her.

[beatcuff]

goody, you did a good job holding back the ocean with a broom... and i have been following and quiet until ---

 

I don't recall anyone saying she should be punished forever.

 

seriously??? that has been the theme this entire thread. AND YOUR OWN WORDS

 

IMHO, once a person cheats, their marriage is forever altered...from THEIR actions. And the BS has ALLOWED them to stay married after that betrayal, so the BS has a right to expect the FWS to try to make it up to them, to prove that they deserve to GET to stay married to the BS.

 

AND

 

... IMO, once someone cheats, they are living on a ledge for at least a good 10 years, to prove - over and over - in many many ways, that they realize how horribly they hurt the other person, how they take sole responsibility, how they're frequently looking at things to see if they can find ways to make life better for their spouse, to make up for it. If I had to guess, she let things go 'back to normal' shortly after and he's been in hell ever since because of it.

[beatcuff]

and not to let the actual question be lost:

 

But is there any way I can convince my husband not to divorce me and break up our family?

 

sadly there is none. He has decided to leave. He has left you to explain to your son EVERYDAY why daddy is not coming home. He has abandoned you by not giving you a 'heads up' with his recent struggle.

 

OP please tell me you live in MA, NY or CA. if so there will be a minor silver lining --- the judge will not be so forgiving as the BS are here.

[goodyblue]

You are assuming he was in a false reconciliation from Day 1 and has been planning to leave for 8 years.

 

For all we know he may have poured his heart and soul into the reconciliation for 71/2 years and then realized the futility and decided not to continue.

 

Or he may have been sincere about the reconciliation at the time and something triggered it recently and he threw in the towel.

 

Or he may have been sincere about the R and gave it his all but it just didn't work out in the long run.

 

I think if he has been planning this for 8 years, he coulda came up with something better than this.

 

My personal opinion is he originally stayed to keep the family together (which he has stated) and probably tried to get past it, but after 8 years realized it wasn't going to work and the child was old enough and his relationship with his son was secure enough, he no longer wanted to remain yoked to her.

 

I can't disagree with much of what you said. I don't think he plotted this from day one, but I do think that by a year... two even, he knew he wasn't in it for the long haul. I do not believe in staying in a relationship for the children. At best you are showing them a friendship/roommate scenario. If a worse scenario is what you are living you could be showing them much worse. Either way you are showing that kid what marriage looks like and that is sad.

 

I am all for trying to work things out, trying to get over hurdles in the relationship and making things work, but if you realize you can't and are going to leave, just do it. Don't drag it out and waste precious years. With joint custody he would have had a great relationship with his son without wasting years.

 

And I will never agree that the affair was the reason this far out.

 

As to whomever talked about redemption the bible, redemption does not have to be religious, this is not a Christian forum and if some don't believe in the afterlife, our redemption comes in this one. If you want to talk religion go to a Christian website.

[waterwoman]

No, you don't deserve this much punishment. IMO (and IME) a truly remorseful WS who does what is required, works hard and shows that they want to repair the marriage, deserve to be given that chance. If your H is doing this as some sort of long-drawn out revenge then he is an utter **** and you are better off without him.

 

However as has been pointed out, it might be that he also wanted to keep the marriage, make things right, to forgive you.... and that was his intention. But he couldn't for whatever reason. Only he can say. FWIW I have totally forgiven my H but I haven't forgotten - never entirely will I expect - and the nasty little shards of painful memories will still make themselves felt from time to time. Maybe that was the case for your H and it got too much.

 

I agree with others on here that he owed it to you to keep you posted so you both could have tried to find a way through, or at the very least give your some warning of how things were.

 

I am sorry for you and your boy. I hope you find a way to move on soon.

[autumnnight]

You bring up redemption a lot on here and I believe you have the best of intentions, but I think you have an unbiblical view of what redemption actually entails. Redemption is being saved from the eternal punishment that we have incurred due to our sins and thus being changed (a new creation). It doesn't automatically shield us from the earthly consequences that our wrong actions merit. A murderer sitting on death row can be redeemed but that doesn't necessarily mean he shouldn't be put to death. The OP may truly be a changed person however that fact alone does not create any kind of moral obligation on the part of her betrayed husband to reconcile with her. He can recognize her new character and even forgive her and yet still be completely justified in walking away from the marriage.

 

(And no I'm not saying the OP is no different than a murderer sitting on death row, before people who don't understand what context is start accusing me of that.)

 

Actually, the unBiblical view is the one that states there should be no such thing as forgiveness. I agree that one should not expect to escape the natural consequences of their actions. The natural consequences of n A can be divorce, loss of trust, alienation from friends or family, loss of a job, etc. depending on the circumstances.

 

But Biblically, when we are redeemed, we are justified. If you parse those words in the Greek, it means just as if one had never sinned. That doesn't mean the consequences go away. It DOES mean that that person is no longer seen through the lens of their sin by God. And if the only One who has never sinned sees a forgiven sinner as righteous, it is pretty arrogant for a fellow sinner to declare them forever inferior - even if they DO have a psycholoogy degree.

[autumnnight]

As to whomever talked about redemption the bible, redemption does not have to be religious, this is not a Christian forum and if some don't believe in the afterlife, our redemption comes in this one. If you want to talk religion go to a Christian website.

 

Actually, part of LS is that a variety of viewpoints are welcome. So, no, we don;t have to leave or censor ourselves, TYVM.

[goodyblue]

goody, you did a good job holding back the ocean with a broom... and i have been following and quiet until ---

 

 

 

seriously??? that has been the theme this entire thread. AND YOUR OWN WORDS

 

 

 

AND

 

Thank you for your kind words. I know I upset the apple cart sometimes but I just hate that some posters take bitterness to a new level. Not only that, but LS s not a fair assessment of the real world. So many people who live in the real world go on, divorce or.stay, and GET OVER IT. Some people just hold onto the bad crap.

 

When our parent dies it is devastating, but we move on and live our lives. It is different, will never be the same, but it isn't a worse life once we grieve. But I had a friend who's mother died when she was 18. This girl was an emotional person anyway but with this... she never got over it. She talked and talked about how miserable it was. Her father remarried d a few years later and she made his new wife's life a living hell. Boy, this woman was not going to replace her mother!! Don't worry that she was an adult not living at home. She continued this her entire life until her death at age 38. The sad part is, she could have probably had a wonderful relationship with this new woman but her bitter heart prevented it. The woman that married her father was one of the kindest people I had ever known. She got 20 years of Hell from some bitter person. It is sad.

 

The point is, you (general) can put it on the WS to beg, plead, stare at the ground, show remorse, walk ten steps behind for the rest of the relationship but the truth is simple: you will get over it, move on and live a good life when you forgive and move on. The only person holding a BS back from living a full, happy, wonderful life is themselves. You can stop the mind movies, you can stop obsessing, you can move on. But only when you let yourself. You are in charge of your peace, contentment and happiness. Nobody else.

Edited July 15, 2015 by goodyblue