Did I deserve so much punishment?

[William]

Noting one of our other moderators has sanctioned one member for a mean-spirited comment and I've had to clean up some other borderline stuff, including back and forth between members on their own situations having nothing to do with the thread starter's topic, I'll issue a directive to focus on the thread starter, their relationships, and interact in a manner consistent with our guidelines. Thanks!

[Spectre]

I sort of see Goody's point. At some point in all of our lives, things happen to us that are out of our control, things we didn't deserve, etc. However, at some point, you have to make a conscious decision to either let the pain consume you and destroy you, or let it go. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is possible for most people.

 

Saying well "just think of something else" is..odd. But I also have to say that it's easy to talk about letting it go when you've been the other woman and not the one being cheated on.

 

But for me, what you just said is why the guy left. He didn't want to let it consume him anymore, but how could it not consume him if he is having to see this woman every day? On top of that, they have kids, so it means a certain amount of acting has to be employed just to act decent around each other when the kid is around. That is no way to live.

 

I think he thought he could forgive her. I don't think he realized just recently he couldn't. I think he realized he couldn't forgive her, but thought he could trudge on..at least until the kid is raised. Then he realized he couldn't keep up the facade, no matter what, even for the kid.

Edited July 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[daisygirl19]

Saying well "just think of something else" is..odd. But I also have to say that it's easy to talk about letting it go when you've been the other woman and not the one being cheated on.

 

Fair enough. I've been both the OW and the BS, so I guess it's easier for me to see both sides.

 

To the OP, I really do feel badly for you. Yes, you made a huge mistake. But one that you thought you had paid the price for and moved on from. To find out there were unresolved issues after 8 years of trying and believing things were "fixed" has to be a tough pill to swallow. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him stay. It's his call to make. You can't make someone stay and it only takes one person to leave. I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't think he's leaving to punish you any more than you cheated on him to punish him. Still, the end result is the same.

Edited July 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[autumnnight]

Well, OP, if this was an LS poll, than I assume the answer to the question in your topic line is a resounding yes, you deserve as much punishment as possible, as do all WS...for at least ten years.

[Spectre]

Fair enough. I've been both the OW and the BS, so I guess it's easier for me to see both sides.

 

To the OP, I really do feel badly for you. Yes, you made a huge mistake. But one that you thought you had paid the price for and moved on from. To find out there were unresolved issues after 8 years of trying and believing things were "fixed" has to be a tough pill to swallow. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him stay. It's his call to make. You can't make someone stay and it only takes one person to leave. I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't think he's leaving to punish you any more than you cheated on him to punish him. Still, the end result is the same.

 

I find it difficult to muster up any sympathy merely because..I dunno, seems weird one could think they could ever "fix" cheating. Without a time machine it can't be fixed. Dealt with? Sure, but you can never fix it and if you begin believing you can you open yourself up to..this.

 

When it comes to feeling bad I feel more for the husband and the child. Imagine how awful the last 8 years were for him? Remember, as you said: this woman thought she'd fixed everything, thought it was a "new" marriage. She wasn't suffering from triggers or anything like that. This guy had to endure this for 8 years and I find that outright heart wrenching compared to anything the OP has had to go through. Since again: she thought everything was the bee's knee's for these past 8 years. The husband suffered in obvious silence for nearly a decade.

 

I don't begrudge that you feel bad for her, I just think you should feel bad more for the kid and husband. Especially the kid because he doesn't know what is going on and it makes me wonder if he will ever truly know the reason their family truly broke up.

[velvette]

I sort of see Goody's point. At some point in all of our lives, things happen to us that are out of our control, things we didn't deserve, etc. However, at some point, you have to make a conscious decision to either let the pain consume you and destroy you, or let it go. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is possible for most people.

 

 

In theory I agree with you, but even making a conscious decision to let trauma go or do something about it, for example seek therapy, is a process for most people. It rarely happens overnight.

 

 

Usually, if all you do is decide to let it go, it rises up and bites you in the ass later. Even if you seek therapy and think you have let it go it can rise up again.

 

 

Bottom line, is no one can tell someone else how to resolve their trauma whatever it is caused by. Its not a straight line where step 1, 2, 3 works the same for everyone.

 

 

Mental trauma is no different than physical trauma. Some traumas of either kind will leave scar tissue that aches/throbs when the weather is right no matter what you do.

 

 

What some are not recognizing is that when you attempt reconciliation you are interacting every day with the person who caused the trauma. That greatly ups the chance for continued triggered trauma or "bad weather"

[No Limit]

HE was biding his time for whatever reason.

 

I thought about writing something in response to this little sentence, but someone else did the job for me:

 

Regardless of the projections and the cheaters vrs BS battles, it is obvious that whatever her efforts were, they werent the right ones. She had 8 years to right a wrong. That is a fact. She was unsuccessful.

 

What is amazing is that the tone here from the OP is reflected in the WS who cheer her on and slam the husband. Somehow, this has become his fault for staying. Twisted twisted logic.

 

Some have no shame.

 

Chances are BH isn't a wicked monster who had this all planned out.

[WasOtherWoman]

Do you mean 10 years LATER? As in after the affair and not PRIOR to the affair?

 

Oh Lord, LOL.. yes LATER. Fingers faster than brain.

 

Thanks!!

[Spectre]

This is 19 pages long and I didn't read every page or close to it, but I truly hope the husband wasn't really bashed all that much.

[sandylee1]

OP,

 

Accept his decision to divorce you.

 

Accept that you caused this.

 

Accept that you have no control in other people's decisions

 

Learn from actions

 

Be a good parent to your son

 

Read and learn how to help young children cope with divorce

 

Try and make a success of coparenting

 

Ensure your son knows he has 2 parents that will always love him

 

If you haven't already done so, forgive yourself

[Spectre]

I'd also add on that when the child is old enough let him know the true reason the marriage ended. He doesn't need a play by play or anything, but still.

[goodyblue]

Saying well "just think of something else" is..odd. But I also have to say that it's easy to talk about letting it go when you've been the other woman and not the one being cheated on.

 

But for me, what you just said is why the guy left. He didn't want to let it consume him anymore, but how could it not consume him if he is having to see this woman every day? On top of that, they have kids, so it means a certain amount of acting has to be employed just to act decent around each other when the kid is around. That is no way to live.

 

I think he thought he could forgive her. I don't think he realized just recently he couldn't. I think he realized he couldn't forgive her, but thought he could trudge on..at least until the kid is raised. Then he realized he couldn't keep up the facade, no matter what, even for the kid.

 

I never said just think about something else. I said there are ways to train your mind to stop the mind movies and move on. And I stand by it.

 

How do you know I was never cheated on? Or a victim of horrific abuse? You don't. So stop assuming.

[Spectre]

I never said just think about something else. I said there are ways to train your mind to stop the mind movies and move on. And I stand by it.

 

Yes, but given you've never been cheated on you have no idea how difficult or how easy it would be the get rid of "mind movies" of your spouse mounting some other man.

[Happines]

I am surprised he actually stayed that long

 

I been cheated on and I tried to forgive and forget but after two years I realised I was lieing to myself and that I simply can't trust that person and dong feel the same about him anymore

 

In his case well maybe I tried his best to forget it and simply realised that no he can't and that he has enough time to still make a happy life for himself with someone else who will respect him and love him

[Spectre]

Also to those saying "you can move on from this" well maybe he did, maybe he finally figured out how to move on? Maybe he figured out the best way was: divorce and go find someone trustworthy.

 

Maybe what you are saying finally just recently *clicked* for him, and he decided "Yep, time to move on" and then..did so in the best way possible.

 

Sucks it took 8 years to do, but I'm glad it didn't take 18, or 28, or that it never happened at all.

[goodyblue]

As usual, you entirely miss the point. Having an A is not the same as raping someone. That doesn't mean the resulting trauma is different for the person who was raped or betrayed.

 

 

You can believe what you want in the absence of any personal knowledge on the subject. For what its worth, anyone who knows me would be laughing their a$$e$ off at the thought that I an overly emotional person who has no control of her thoughts.

 

 

And for the record I was not comparing my life to the sacrifices of those in combat. Nonetheless, I have no doubt that there are combat veterans out there who suffer equally or more from affair related trauma as they do from combat trauma.

 

 

Give you a break? I think you need to give yourself a break and educate yourself about trauma before you present yourself as an expert on things you haven't experienced.

 

You have no idea what I know about trauma. You assume much.

 

And yes, the trauma IS different between your husband screwing the maid behind your back and being a sharp shooter who sits on a hill in a combat zone and picks off the enemy and has to live with that. So grow up. I just happen to know the difference and I don't cry for sympathy.

[goodyblue]

Yes, but given you've never been cheated on you have no idea how difficult or how easy it would be the get rid of "mind movies" of your spouse mounting some other man.

 

You don't know my life. I just don't whine about it on LS

[sweet_pea]

You have no idea what I know about trauma. You assume much.

 

And yes, the trauma IS different between your husband screwing the maid behind your back and being a sharp shooter who sits on a hill in a combat zone and picks off the enemy and has to live with that. So grow up. I just happen to know the difference and I don't cry for sympathy.

 

Why are you so hostile? There's no need to tell people to grow up and other rude things.

 

Yes, there is a difference but that doesn't mean one trauma is worse or less than the other and doesn't mean that one trauma is easier to get over than the other.

[Spectre]

I don't need to know your life. Either you've been cheated on or you haven't. It's different. It's a different kind of betrayal compared to anything else one might experience, and nothing can prepare you for it.

 

But either way, maybe he took your advice, got past the mind movies, and decided it was time to strive for a better life, and decided to divorce. Completely possible, agreed? I mean obviously you can't agree he did it due to your specific advice since I doubt he has ever been here, but maybe he had similar thoughts to you and decided to finally act upon them? Could you find any fault in that..if that were the case?

[goodyblue]

Why are you so hostile? There's no need to tell people to grow up and other rude things.

 

Yes, there is a difference but that doesn't mean one trauma is worse or less than the other and doesn't mean that one trauma is easier to get over than the other.

 

You are kidding, right? I was attacked.in this thread more than I was attacking. See, this.is where I laugh because for me this thread got funnier and funnier. I don't feel hostile at all. Just because I am not a quivering pansy does not make me hostile. Lol. Jesus.

[Spectre]

Don't for a second think you are the only one laughing at certain things people said in this thread.

[goodyblue]

I don't need to know your life. Either you've been cheated on or you haven't. It's different. It's a different kind of betrayal compared to anything else one might experience, and nothing can prepare you for it.

 

But either way, maybe he took your advice, got past the mind movies, and decided it was time to strive for a better life, and decided to divorce. Completely possible, agreed? I mean obviously you can't agree he did it due to your specific advice since I doubt he has ever been here, but maybe he had similar thoughts to you and decided to finally act upon them? Could you find any fault in that..if that were the case?

 

It is his life, he has made his decision. OP will have to live with it. It really doesn't matter what any of us say. Most LS Bs's have a mob mentality and love to pounce. I really don't care much. Just kinda... interesting.

[ladydesigner]

You have no idea what I know about trauma. You assume much.

 

And yes, the trauma IS different between your husband screwing the maid behind your back and being a sharp shooter who sits on a hill in a combat zone and picks off the enemy and has to live with that. So grow up. I just happen to know the difference and I don't cry for sympathy.

 

Ok for those of us who have never been through a combat zone don't have that experience to compare to, it doesn't make the trauma from infidelity less real than it does from the combat zone.

 

When you read about the effects of PTSD, no matter the trauma, the effects are the same.

[daisygirl19]

I find it difficult to muster up any sympathy merely because..I dunno, seems weird one could think they could ever "fix" cheating. Without a time machine it can't be fixed. Dealt with? Sure, but you can never fix it and if you begin believing you can you open yourself up to..this.

 

When it comes to feeling bad I feel more for the husband and the child. Imagine how awful the last 8 years were for him? Remember, as you said: this woman thought she'd fixed everything, thought it was a "new" marriage. She wasn't suffering from triggers or anything like that. This guy had to endure this for 8 years and I find that outright heart wrenching compared to anything the OP has had to go through. Since again: she thought everything was the bee's knee's for these past 8 years. The husband suffered in obvious silence for nearly a decade.

 

I don't begrudge that you feel bad for her, I just think you should feel bad more for the kid and husband. Especially the kid because he doesn't know what is going on and it makes me wonder if he will ever truly know the reason their family truly broke up.

 

I don't disagree with you. That's why I said "fixed" with quotes. No, I don't think it can be fixed. Dealt with, yes. I got the impression from the OP that she believed it had been "fixed".

 

I do feel very badly for the husband and most especially the child. I'm not sure I agree that the child needs to know all of the specifics of why the marriage is ending, but my heart does break for him. I was addressing the OP solely in my last post because she is only one here posting

[Spectre]

It is his life, he has made his decision. OP will have to live with it. It really doesn't matter what any of us say. Most LS Bs's have a mob mentality and love to pounce. I really don't care much. Just kinda... interesting.

 

But not just interesting to you, but funny as well. Like I said, this is a thread where we've had people bashing the husband so I get your chuckles, because you can't do anything but laugh at such posts bashing the poor guy. Though why do I get the feeling you weren't laughing at those?

 

If it doesn't matter what any of us say then why would you bother replying at all? Plus it still begs the question though: if this man did exactly what you are suggesting, played the whole "mind over matter" thing, got rid of the "mind movies" and decided to move on and the best way he felt to move on was to divorce..what is wrong with that?

 

I don't disagree with you. That's why I said "fixed" with quotes. No, I don't think it can be fixed. Dealt with, yes. I got the impression from the OP that she believed it had been "fixed".

 

I do feel very badly for the husband and most especially the child. I'm not sure I agree that the child needs to know all of the specifics of why the marriage is ending, but my heart does break for him. I was addressing the OP solely in my last post because she is only one here posting

 

I think the kid doesn't need to know specific details, but at least needs to know it ain't daddies fault the family broke up. He sees his mother crying all the damn time and the father isn't around, some kinds might infer that to mean the DAD did something. Which just isn't acceptable.