Clay Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I still think there is something being left out here. Did you do anything. Have you looked through the house to see if he found anything and maybe left it. Such as love letters. Has he been in contact with anyone that knew about your affair. Is the the only affair you have had? Do openly flirt with other men ? He sounds pissed off. Something had to have triggered him. C Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 Some people seem to be asking that would I take my H back after a few months even if he was involved with other women during this period? My answer is an unequivocal YES! Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 I dont know if people are intentionally forgetting this, but I have told earlier that I have had no contact with the OM since DDay. And that was my only affair. And H knew about that letter on DDay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 So what was his attitude towards you leading up to the days before he left. Did he kiss you or hold your hand. Did you both go do things together. Would you have good talks about things ? Was he cold and wouldnt touch you? I know when I asked for a divorce I was no longer angry with her. I wasn't filled with hatred. I just wanted it to all end. I knew my xW wasn't capable of ever having a meaningful relationship with me. You said the last call he made to you he was calm right? So if he was relaxed and felt confident in leaving why didn't he just come and talk to you. It really makes me think there was something driving this sudden decision. C Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 The affair was a result of this sh*tty mindset of my when I entered a new job after a year. It is very sad. He tried to get over it for 8 years. He probably just couldn't. Men visualize it over and over. It hurts every time we see it. We see every graphic moment. He just wants to be happy and not see it any longer. He probably really tried. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 We had sex. I initiated. We talked of day to day tjings. Intimacy outside bedroom was kiss on the cheeks. And ocassionally holding hands when out together without our son. But no, we were not those newly engaged lovey dovey couples. But it seemed normal in a long term marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Seems to me in previous discussions that many BHs have said; IF only she was remorseful, if only she could see the error of her ways, if only she could re-engage with the marriage... Yet here we have a wife who apparently did all those things for 8 long years, and it still apparently isn't enough. He is still entitled to his revenge... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Seems to me in previous discussions that many BHs have said; IF only she was remorseful, if only she could see the error of her ways, if only she could re-engage with the marriage... Yet here we have a wife who apparently did all those things for 8 long years, and it still apparently isn't enough. He is still entitled to his revenge... I do not think it is revenge. It is the emasculating thoughts of another man inside the woman we love. We can never get over it. We can only push it to the back of our thoughts. But triggers will put it right in the VCR to replay over and over until we push it out again. She chose another penis over his. It can be that simple. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 She chose another penis over his. It can be that simple. I must say your choice of language is too derogatory. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Seems to me in previous discussions that many BHs have said; IF only she was remorseful, if only she could see the error of her ways, if only she could re-engage with the marriage... Yet here we have a wife who apparently did all those things for 8 long years, and it still apparently isn't enough. He is still entitled to his revenge... I don't see it as being entitled to revenge. But he is entitled to leave. I'm a victim of infidelity, but my heart still goes out to the OP. It sounds like she did try, and was remorseful, and did everything she could. But doing all of that doesn't mean the BS will R, or will continue choosing to stay in the marriage even after R. There are consequences for every decision we make. This is one of them. Whether or not "revenge" is a part of the equation is irrelevant. For whatever reason, he no longer wants to stay married to the OP. That is his choice to make, regardless of whether we agree with it or not. I would say the same exact thing if this thread was about a WH who was remorseful, did everything he could, and the BW left him 8 years later. This isn't a gender issue. This is a human issue. The BS, regardless of gender, has free will. If at any time it becomes too much for them, they have the right to walk, be it 8 minutes, 8 days, or 8 years, after discovery of the A. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 R_T my bet is your husband really tried in his own way but couldn't get over your betrayal. Your affair started early in your marriage, the odds of a marriage surviving when affairs happen early in a marriage are extremely low. The length of your affair is the other problem, a year and a half is a long time to spend with another man, you were only married 3 years. That year and a half changed every good memory that existed before your "Day Of Discovery" and it affected everything you did together going forward because he built walls of protection around himself. He saw how you acted while detoxing from your relationship with O/M, time you stole from him and gave to another man freely. If that time was a lie what else was a lie, to him everything about you is a lie. My guess is he didn't see enough change from you to stay any longer than he did. Best thing you can do is work on yourself to make sure this never happens again in a future relationship. Whatever your husbands reason for divorcing you(the affair, your true thoughts expressed in the letter, independent counselling, professional help to get your relationship back on track as a couple) is out of your control just as your affair was out of his control. You both need to be the best parents you can be for your innocent son because his idea of a normal marriage is based on the actions from the two of you. Talk to a lawyer, try and reach a settlement that is good for the both of you, get counselling for your son. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 He is still entitled to his revenge... Leaving is not revenge. Revenge would have been bringing a woman home in front of her. Doing something malicious such as having a affair for a year. So far we have no proof that he ran off for another woman. All things keep pointing to something went down and he is not telling her. He found something maybe some old things she had around the house that caused him to trigger or like the others said he was just done. She is stating he was calm and everything seemed fine. Its sounding more and more like he was just done and he just had to break himself free in order to make the move. Its to bad he didn't talk to her and open up to her about how he was feeling but I don't see this as a betrayal. I see this as someone that loved her enough to try to 8 years after she had a year long affair with someone else. Now I don't know many people that have done that and there is no way in hell I would have even tried. In my mind she is lucky he even tried. Lets just hope she can find some peace and move forward and work out a good co parenting arrangement. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 R_T my bet is your husband really tried in his own way but couldn't get over your betrayal. Your affair started early in your marriage, the odds of a marriage surviving when affairs happen early in a marriage are extremely low. The length of your affair is the other problem, a year and a half is a long time to spend with another man, you were only married 3 years. That year and a half changed every good memory that existed before your "Day Of Discovery" and it affected everything you did together going forward because he built walls of protection around himself. He saw how you acted while detoxing from your relationship with O/M, time you stole from him and gave to another man freely. If that time was a lie what else was a lie, to him everything about you is a lie. My guess is he didn't see enough change from you to stay any longer than he did. Best thing you can do is work on yourself to make sure this never happens again in a future relationship. Whatever your husbands reason for divorcing you(the affair, your true thoughts expressed in the letter, independent counselling, professional help to get your relationship back on track as a couple) is out of your control just as your affair was out of his control. You both need to be the best parents you can be for your innocent son because his idea of a normal marriage is based on the actions from the two of you. Talk to a lawyer, try and reach a settlement that is good for the both of you, get counselling for your son. This is a great post. Take it to heart, rt. Aliveagain is a very wise, thoughtful, and compassionate poster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 (edited) She chose another penis over his. It can be that simple. I must say your choice of language is too derogatory. I was trying to show how we think. We do not care about the other man. We can completely understand why it was done. We can understand any involvement we had in causing it to be done. We can even believe it will never happen again, and restore full trust. But at the end of the day. That still haunts us. Nothing can change that. We can accept it and keep going. But from time to time it will pop up and wreck havoc with our insecurities. As time goes on, it pops up less and less. I will go months without thinking about it, and then some trigger will click it. It makes me feel inferior for a few moments and it sucks. I think women are emotional and they do not think about it the same way. Edited July 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Leaving is not revenge. No it isn't, but telling her he was about to sleep with good time girls in Amsterdam was, and for that info to be met with the attitude of some that "Well, he had to suck it up it, is her turn now", is ridiculous and surely makes a mockery of 8 long years of reconciliation and IC on her part. Yes, she did a dreadful thing, yes, she hurt him, but when does this all end? Even murderers get parole. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I do applaud you in working hard to try and fix the issue. Also in the fact you did not have another affair. I would not blame you for his leaving. You tried and he couldn't deal with it. (guessing on his part) Take care of yourself. Know you did what you could to fix it. Join a gym. Make an excellent wife with a new husband. Be a supportive co-parent. Try to put it all behind you. Live your life. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 My H changed company almost a year ago. Here he got a higher paycheck and a more senis divorior position. This answers the, "what has changed?" Question people have been asking. He is divorcing now because he can afford to. He can now deal with shuffling the son off between two houses and possibly pay child support and still maintain a reasonable lifestyle. When one partner gets a significant increase in pay/status/security etc is frequently when the other partner gets the divorce papers. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 No it isn't, but telling her he was about to sleep with good time girls in Amsterdam was, and for that info to be met with the attitude of some that "Well, he had to suck it up it, is her turn now", is ridiculous and surely makes a mockery of 8 long years of reconciliation and IC on her part. Yes, she did a dreadful thing, yes, she hurt him, but when does this all end? Even murderers get parole. Even that may not have been revenge. He may not have been motivated by malice or intent to hurt her at all. He may very well be so disconnected from her that he was just being matter of fact like he was talking to one of his mates. This is one of those times where 'how' it was said says more that what was said. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 remorseful_tab, You seem to be over the first shock, now is the time to do the things that need to be done to move on. Make a list and follow it. I have stated, that this will give you back some of the control that is lost because of this. Remember, you have a son that needs you. Aliveagain has some good advise. "Best thing you can do is work on yourself to make sure this never happens again in a future relationship. Whatever your husbands reason for divorcing you(the affair, your true thoughts expressed in the letter, independent counselling, professional help to get your relationship back on track as a couple) is out of your control just as your affair was out of his control. You both need to be the best parents you can be for your innocent son because his idea of a normal marriage is based on the actions from the two of you. Talk to a lawyer, try and reach a settlement that is good for the both of you, get counselling for your son." I would like to see you put out a plan of what you are going to do in the next 2 weeks, and then post back here on how you are doing. My suggestion, for what it is worth: 1) See the lawyer, follow her advise, tell her EVERYTHING. 2) See if you can arrange that your husband spends some time with your son. Try and come to some arrangement for temporary visitation. Lawyer may be of some help, as can your in laws as well. A boy needs to see his father. Also, visit the stbex in laws. They can be helpful in the future, and can be a good support for your son. 3) IC for you and your son. DO not put this off. Your son needs someone to talk to, if not a professional, grandparents? Remember, no bad mouthing you or his father. Remember he loves you both. 4) Redo your resume and start looking for a job. You are going to have to go back to work. The sooner the better. This will help you gain control and take away the fear of the future for you. 5) Go no contact with your husband, unless about your son or finances. This will help you, and is the only slim, very small, chance he may decide to reconcile. I would not bet on it, but a long....... shot is better then none. 6) Post here on how you are doing, we really are here to help. OK, as you can see I am a action oriented type person. I think in your case it will help you and your son, and give you a way to deal with everything. Just my opinion. Pulling for you and your son. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Even that may not have been revenge. He may not have been motivated by malice or intent to hurt her at all. He may very well be so disconnected from her that he was just being matter of fact like he was talking to one of his mates. Yeah sure!!! Like that is likely. He said, matter of factly, "Well darling, just going to hook up with some prostitute in Amsterdam." - "OK dear, have a nice time". (Thinks) He is such a lovely man... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Seems to me in previous discussions that many BHs have said; IF only she was remorseful, if only she could see the error of her ways, if only she could re-engage with the marriage... Yet here we have a wife who apparently did all those things for 8 long years, and it still apparently isn't enough. He is still entitled to his revenge... who is taking revenge? revenge would be if he also cheated. wow just wow 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 No it isn't, but telling her he was about to sleep with good time girls in Amsterdam was, and for that info to be met with the attitude of some that "Well, he had to suck it up it, is her turn now", is ridiculous and surely makes a mockery of 8 long years of reconciliation and IC on her part. Yes, she did a dreadful thing, yes, she hurt him, but when does this all end? Even murderers get parole. I agree with you. I think he should have not done what he did. I also agree he should have worked harder on himself by getting couceling. Sadly he didn't do that. I think he did the best he could and that day he told her that he let his anger get the best of him. If she wanted to have a better marriage she probably should have thought about that before her affair. If your wondering the time limit of suffering she will have well I can tell you it will probably last her whole life. The damage she did doesn't just effect them it also causes life long problems on there child. Hopefully they both can come together on a good co parenting agreement and minimize the damage. OP's story should be a example of why you don't have a affair. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 who is taking revenge? revenge would be if he also cheated. wow just wow Is sleeping with prostitutes in Amsterdam not seen as cheating? Whether he did it or not, is still up in the air, but that was his intention. They are not yet divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Is sleeping with prostitutes in Amsterdam not seen as cheating? Whether he did it or not, is still up in the air, but that was his intention. They are not yet divorced. Technically yes. But really, her stbxh contacted a lawyer, moved out, etc...not really. I can't see any judge getting too worked up over that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 He said, matter of factly.... That is my point exactly ^^^^^^^ If he said it matter of factly as if he was telling his 2nd cousin where he's going while the cousin watches the house and feeds the dog while he's gone, that's not revenge. That's just saying where he's going for the weekend. If he is truly disconnected and simply doesn't care, that's not revenge. The opposite of love is not hate. It is apathy. If he's apathetic towards her, it's not revenge. It's just telling it like it is whether it hurts her or not. It may be rude and insensitive and maybe evasen $hitty to be that blunt, but if it's not intended to hurt then it's not revenge. From her descriptions, it sounds to me like it's more a case of just being done and completely disconnected rather than trying to bring hurt to her. Wanting revenge and to inflict pain requires passion. I see no passion from him here. It sounds more like a guy that just couldn't care less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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