Did I deserve so much punishment?

[Clay]

OP,

How are you doing today? Have you talked to your husband?

 

I know your in pain right now but sadly there is no time limit on any relationship. Anyone can leave for any reason at any time. There is no doubt your betrayal probably played a large role in this but until you can sit him down and really talk to him your not going to know the full extent of what the issues are. Hopefully he is visiting his son and making arraignments to see him.

 

Do you have any family or friends that can help support you through this?

 

Clay

[LoveMachine67]

Thank you for your kind words. I know I upset the apple cart sometimes but I just hate that some posters take bitterness to a new level. Not only that, but LS s not a fair assessment of the real world. So many people who live in the real world go on, divorce or.stay, and GET OVER IT. Some people just hold onto the bad crap.

 

When our parent dies it is devastating, but we move on and live our lives. It is different, will never be the same, but it isn't a worse life once we grieve. But I had a friend who's mother died when she was 18. This girl was an emotional person anyway but with this... she never got over it. She talked and talked about how miserable it was. Her father remarried d a few years later and she made his new wife's life a living hell. Boy, this woman was not going to replace her mother!! Don't worry that she was an adult not living at home. She continued this her entire life until her death at age 38. The sad part is, she could have probably had a wonderful relationship with this new woman but her bitter heart prevented it. The woman that married her father was one of the kindest people I had ever known. She got 20 years of Hell from some bitter person. It is sad.

 

The point is, you (general) can put it on the WS to beg, plead, stare at the ground, show remorse, walk ten steps behind for the rest of the relationship but the truth is simple: you will get over it, move on and live a good life when you forgive and move on. The only person holding a BS back from living a full, happy, wonderful life is themselves. You can stop the mind movies, you can stop obsessing, you can move on. But only when you let yourself. You are in charge of your peace, contentment and happiness. Nobody else.

 

 

Very well said Goody!

[turnera]

seriously??? that has been the theme this entire thread. AND YOUR OWN WORDS

No, what I said was:

they are living on a ledge for at least a good 10 years,

 

Not FOREVER.

 

I said it is the CHEATER'S job to PROVE - over time (and I said 'for a good 10 years') that they ARE remorseful, DO understand what they did, DON'T take their spouse for granted.

 

I did say their marriage is forever altered. And, of course, it IS. Would YOU ever forget that your spouse cheated on you? I think not.

 

And btw, Goody, if you're referring to me when you say 'bitter,' what I speak is not bitterness. It's logic. It's basic psychology. It's how humans work. If someone decides to cheat - other than a ONS - then they logically should understand they are walking a thin ledge to redemption with that one person on whom they cheated. If they don't want to be held to a higher standard for many many years, they should just divorce and try to start a clean slate with someone new.

Edited July 15, 2015 by turnera

[Clay]

I think your coupling forgiveness with how the other person lives with the pain. Its completely different. He could have forgiven her along time ago. He might not have been able to live with the pain any longer. My xW is a serial cheater. Its been a long time since I was with her. I don't really care about the cheating anymore and in some cases I understand she needs serious help. There is just nothing I can do about that but it doesn't change the fact that I still suffer over the cheating. I still have nightmares and I still have moments where I trigger. Sadly OP cheated over a year. I just think the guy had to gone through hell trying to stay. Sure he should have checked out sooner but I don't think what he has done is with real malicious intent. It sadly just didn't work out. Now she just needs to give him some time to see if they can work on things or really just end it. Keep in mind she could have also ended this at anytime. She had every right to say when he didn't reengage her in the marriage that it wasn't acceptable for her. Its obvious that there is a complete breakdown on both people here.

 

I think for me I don't think I could have ever stayed after finding out the length of the betrayal so for him to even have tried had to be really hard.

 

C

Edited July 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandylee1]

I don't think you can stop the mind movies any more than you can control your dreams when you're sleeping. It's not something you can stamp out of your mind.

 

For those who can flick the mind movie switch off, great for them, but we're not all the same. That's what makes us unique individuals. That's why once people in certain professions get PTSD, they ultimately leave the job because they can't get over it.

Their colleagues next to them, saw exactly the same thing, but they return to work the very next day. Some get medically retired after 3 years some 5 or 6 years. You can't dictate or demand a time that they have to be 'over it'

 

One man can reconcile after an 18 year long affair and another can't after a ONS. Some women reconcile after their H has been with over 200 prostitutes. It's not a one size fits all and this applies from the decision to reconcile and how long it takes to get through it. The marriage is never the same and reaching this conclusion, then deciding if you can stay in the marriage takes some people longer than others.

 

If you didn't suffer the trauma, you can't just say 'get over it, it's been long enough'. Anyone who says that doesn't fully understand the magnitude of what they did in betraying their spouse.

It's just minimising and would demonstrate that they are an unsafe partner and would do it again...because you know 'it only took 2 years to get over" and we're back to normal. No comprehension of the permanent damage you've caused.

 

The OP hasn't minimised and this isn't directed at her.

[goodyblue]

I don't think you can stop the mind movies any more than you can control your dreams when you're sleeping. It's not something you can stamp out of your mind.

 

For those who can flick the mind movie switch off, great for them, but we're not all the same. That's what makes us unique individuals. That's why once people in certain professions get PTSD, they ultimately leave the job because they can't get over it.

Their colleagues next to them, saw exactly the same thing, but they return to work the very next day. Some get medically retired after 3 years some 5 or 6 years. You can't dictate or demand a time that they have to be 'over it'

 

One man can reconcile after an 18 year long affair and another can't after a ONS. Some women reconcile after their H has been with over 200 prostitutes. It's not a one size fits all and this applies from the decision to reconcile and how long it takes to get through it. The marriage is never the same and reaching this conclusion, then deciding if you can stay in the marriage takes some people longer than others.

 

If you didn't suffer the trauma, you can't just say 'get over it, it's been long enough'. Anyone who says that doesn't fully understand the magnitude of what they did in betraying their spouse.

It's just minimising and would demonstrate that they are an unsafe partner and would do it again...because you know 'it only took 2 years to get over" and we're back to normal. No comprehension of the permanent damage you've caused.

 

The OP hasn't minimised and this isn't directed at her.

 

Yes you can control your thoughts. The mind movies. You just have to be willing instead of holding on to it. Find a doctor who can teach you the technique.

[velvette]

Trauma is trauma. People get over it when/if they have the resources to do so. Usually it requires professional help and some don't realize there may be professional help for them. Not that that always works.

 

 

We have no idea what this couple did to help the BS get over the trauma of betrayal. OP never answered these questions.

Edited July 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Clay]

I am not confusing the betrayal with the pain. They are the same. Or at least handled the same. Each person has the power to let that sh*t go. Whether they do or not is on that person alone. It is no longer your ex's fault or problem that you feel that way. You are choosing it.

 

I dont know your history or what you went through but clearly in my mind I just don't think what your saying is right or agree with you. Its not the same. Its not a choice as you say it is. Its often referred to being similar as PTSD.

 

You should read about this.

 

Its different for everyone.

 

Infidelity and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder | AFFAIRCARE

 

The truth of it is as we know it he sighted her cheating for his reason for leaving. Now where you or anyone else likes the duration of time he stayed in the marriage it was his choice and not hers. She is not entitled to choose after her betrayal. It was his. She also could have left as well.

 

I personally hope they both get into counceling and learn from this. Its horrible that we are even arguing over things that we don't know the full story on.

 

C

[DKT3]

Goody I will pay you $5000 to teach me how to "just stop" the mind movies of your spouse with someone else.

[oldshirt]

A couple things we all need to keep in mind is that anytime someone tells their spouse they intend to leave and file for the divorce, that spouse is always going to ask why and then they (and often other people) are going to find fault with that rationale and then try to convince them why they shouldn't.

 

And people are also always going to bitch about the timeline. If someone decides on Monday that they are going to divorce, but doesn't file the paperwork or inform their spouse untill the next the following Monday, some are going to bitch that they "wasted a week," and others are gonna bitch that they did it too soon and didn't spend enough time trying to work things out.

 

You're never going to make everyone happy. Someone's always gonna bitch about it.

 

I think that is a lot of what's taking place here. Some people don't think it's right to divorce over an A that occurred 8 yrs ago. Some think it's perfectly valid.

 

Some thinks it's wrong to wait that long. Others think it's fine to stay for the children and that the WS should be thankful for the bonus time and not look the gift horse in the mouth.

 

We're not all gonna agree on this one.

[WasOtherWoman]

A couple things we all need to keep in mind is that anytime someone tells their spouse they intend to leave and file for the divorce, that spouse is always going to ask why and then they (and often other people) are going to find fault with that rationale and then try to convince them why they shouldn't.

 

And people are also always going to bitch about the timeline. If someone decides on Monday that they are going to divorce, but doesn't file the paperwork or inform their spouse untill the next the following Monday, some are going to bitch that they "wasted a week," and others are gonna bitch that they did it too soon and didn't spend enough time trying to work things out.

 

You're never going to make everyone happy. Someone's always gonna bitch about it.

 

I think that is a lot of what's taking place here. Some people don't think it's right to divorce over an A that occurred 8 yrs ago. Some think it's perfectly valid.

 

Some thinks it's wrong to wait that long. Others think it's fine to stay for the children and that the WS should be thankful for the bonus time and not look the gift horse in the mouth.

 

We're not all gonna agree on this one.

 

I agree, we will never agree.

 

My husband stayed for his kids, for ten years after his XW's second indiscretion. He did tell her though, that as soon as the youngest was out of the house, he would be leaving also. She was still shocked and angry (but did get over it) when he actually left.

 

Maybe the BH in this case truly did not know what he was going to do, but I think that eight years truly is an awfully long time to take to make a decision. Maybe he did plan this, maybe not, we will probably never know.

[turnera]

Yes you can control your thoughts. The mind movies. You just have to be willing instead of holding on to it. Find a doctor who can teach you the technique.

 

I take it you've been the cheater.

[RightThere]

but I think that eight years truly is an awfully long time to take to make a decision.

 

I actually don't think it's as long as some of us are making it out to me. It's not like he decided on day 1 he was going to wait 8 years to divorce.

 

I've been in reconciliation hell for 2 years and once I decided I wasn't going to be in this relationship anymore, I put the wheels in motion to get everything said and done in a couple of months.

 

It's not uncommon for reconciliation back and forth to go on for 5 years or more. He's probably been on the fence for 80% of that time. Which is basically being in and out of real reconciliation.

[ladydesigner]

Goody I will pay you $5000 to teach me how to "just stop" the mind movies of your spouse with someone else.

 

OMG thank you! I have to take meds everyday (that I have tried to get off of in the past with no success) just to control the thoughts so that I can LIVE.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Goody I will pay you $5000 to teach me how to "just stop" the mind movies of your spouse with someone else.

 

Exactly. Nearly 3 years of IC didn't stop my mind movies. Cheaters will say "get over it/move on" but they aren't the ones dealing with the aftermath of soul-crushing betrayals.

 

Plus, the OP's husband reading that letter just magnifies his emotions and fears exponentially.

[Spectre]

Just remember your son is paying that price due to your cheating, nothing else. Can't blame your husband he couldn't get over such a betrayal.

 

Also YES you did deserve so much punishment. In fact as far as I am concerned you should kiss your husbands feet that he stayed with you for another 8 seconds let alone another 8 years. So actually you didn't get the punishment you deserved, if you did you'd of been dropped as soon as your cheating was revealed.

[sweet_pea]

Yeah, I'm having trouble understanding where people who have never been betrayed think they have a right to tell someone when they should get over something or how they should handle something? Really?

[gettingstronger]

I feel like unless you have truly been betrayed, you have no idea how it effects you- sure, you can try to compare it to something in your own life, but its impossible to understand-

 

I am talking true betrayal not just infidelity- it could be really anything that shakes your foundation- its not unlike being a victim of a crime- its life altering and I would not wish it on anyone-

 

I am doing well, but I know I am not who I once was- it comes out in ways large and small but it sucks all the same-

 

Do I hold it against my husband, probably in some ways, am I 100% honest with him about it- you bet- is he will to try to work on us, you bet- that is why we are still together- I will say, 2.5 years out and some days it feels like yesterday- if it lasts 8 years, I too would re-assess and yes, it would be 100% because of the infidelity and I would be able to say with an honest heart that I tried-

[Spectre]

I'd actually give the husband some kudos he even tried to save this clusterf*ck of a marriage for 8 friggin years. Maybe you did pour everything into your marriage these last 8 years. But then you probably should of done that before you ever cheated.

 

Also keep in mind you didn't stop because you realized "I am behaving skank-like and this is wrong" but because YOU WERE CAUGHT.

[goodyblue]

I take it you've been the cheater.

 

I have never cheated. Everyone here knows my story. Short term mistress been with my h for years now. First and last time for both f us.

[ladydesigner]

Goody I can see your point, but until you have been traumatized in this way it's just so hard to explain. I'm sure the OP's BS wasn't plotting this whole 8 years as a punishment to the OP. I guess there are no guarantees. I do think once the cheating has occurred it permanently changes the M. Before an affair, whatever issues are happening in the M at that time can oftentimes be worked out in counseling. Unfortunately after the A, those initial problems get washed by the A.

 

I believe affairs are far worse than people realize. In Hollywood affairs are romanticized and oftentimes on the OW/OM it is romanticized. I think if people were to look at the REAL facts as to what A's do to a M they may think twice before taking the leap.

[goodyblue]

Yeah, I'm having trouble understanding where people who have never been betrayed think they have a right to tell someone when they should get over something or how they should handle something? Really?

 

I certainly don't share everything here. And I have been through severe trauma. I just don't let it define my life.

[turnera]

I have never cheated. Everyone here knows my story. Short term mistress been with my h for years now. First and last time for both f us.

Oh, so you didn't cheat on your HUSBAND. You just participated in a DIFFERENT cheating as the mistress. (and have to point out that the CHEATING was only short term, as opposed to your 'years now' husband, to try to minimize what you KNOW was wrong)

 

No wonder.

[gettingstronger]

Goody I can see your point, but until you have been traumatized in this way it's just so hard to explain. I'm sure the OP's BS wasn't plotting this whole 8 years as a punishment to the OP. I guess there are no guarantees. I do think once the cheating has occurred it permanently changes the M. Before an affair, whatever issues are happening in the M at that time can oftentimes be worked out in counseling. Unfortunately after the A, those initial problems get washed by the A.

 

I believe affairs are far worse than people realize. In Hollywood affairs are romanticized and oftentimes on the OW/OM it is romanticized. I think if people were to look at the REAL facts as to what A's do to a M they may think twice before taking the leap.

 

 

 

Amen sister on the last paragraph- my husband and I talk about that all the time because it comes up on TV so often- not only traumatic for the BS but the WS as well- he is so disgusted with himself its hard to witness sometimes- he says, I really can not believe I did that, I just can not-

[ladydesigner]

I am talking true betrayal not just infidelity- it could be really anything that shakes your foundation- its not unlike being a victim of a crime- its life altering and I would not wish it on anyone-

 

It is this ^ the feeling of true betrayal. I had forgiven my WH's infidelity, but I could not forgive the continued betrayal past the initial one. There is something really damaging about that.