Did I deserve so much punishment?

[sandylee1]

Yes you can control your thoughts. The mind movies. You just have to be willing instead of holding on to it. Find a doctor who can teach you the technique.

 

Wow. I can't believe I'm reading this.

 

All those suffering from betrayal and other forms of PTSD just don't want to let it go then.....

They are desperate and love hanging on to that pain........

 

The visions of their spouse with another man /woman.

The image of the burning bodies.......sure, they want those images for life.

 

Those doctors must be multi billionaires by now.....I just knew I was in the wrong profession.

[sweet_pea]

I certainly don't share everything here. And I have been through severe trauma. I just don't let it define my life.

 

Just because you've gone through severe trauma doesn't mean you or anyone, even me, has the right to define, or tell someone when and how they should process their betrayal. It's just plain unkind. Unfortunately, sometimes severe trauma does define our lives and makes up who we are today.

[WasOtherWoman]

I actually don't think it's as long as some of us are making it out to me. It's not like he decided on day 1 he was going to wait 8 years to divorce.

 

I've been in reconciliation hell for 2 years and once I decided I wasn't going to be in this relationship anymore, I put the wheels in motion to get everything said and done in a couple of months.

 

It's not uncommon for reconciliation back and forth to go on for 5 years or more. He's probably been on the fence for 80% of that time. Which is basically being in and out of real reconciliation.

 

I hear you, but I have to say that, from my own perspective, when I was a BS, eight years of my life in reconciliation hell would have been way too long. Maybe a year, or two, but eight? Never mind wasting my WS's spouse's time, I wouldn't have cared about that, but I certainly would not have wasted that much of my own life.

 

That's just me though.... but I honestly do think that 8 years is a long time. Can you really imagine yourself going through this for SIX more years (FOUR TIMES longer than you have already been in?)

[Spectre]

Goody I can see your point, but until you have been traumatized in this way it's just so hard to explain. I'm sure the OP's BS wasn't plotting this whole 8 years as a punishment to the OP. I guess there are no guarantees. I do think once the cheating has occurred it permanently changes the M. Before an affair, whatever issues are happening in the M at that time can oftentimes be worked out in counseling. Unfortunately after the A, those initial problems get washed by the A.

 

I believe affairs are far worse than people realize. In Hollywood affairs are romanticized and oftentimes on the OW/OM it is romanticized. I think if people were to look at the REAL facts as to what A's do to a M they may think twice before taking the leap.

 

No guarantee's? If he was plotting all this out of some kind of revenge to dump this cheater it would not of taken him 8 years to do it. So I would think anyone even entertaining the thought that this man was hatching some kind of revenge plot to stay with her for 8 years and t hem dump her...Id encourage anyone thinking that way to turn themselves into the nearest mental institution for a psych evaluation.

 

Though as you said affairs do more harm then people see and this is why I tend to shake my head when I hear people say "oh our marriage has become STRONGER due to my cheating" as if proud of it, as if cheating is a thing that should strengthen a marriage. See, the problem is what happens to this man happens all the time, except most of the time they stay stuck. They try..they try to forgive such a horrible betrayal and when they figure out they can't they usually just stick it out anyways. They rarely say "enough is enough" especially if they have children. Not understanding that an unhappy adult is going to raise some unhappy ass kids, whether divorced or not.

 

The OP needs to take into account that every single day for the past 8 years her husband has had to deal with the image of her riding some other dude. I am not exaggerating when I say literally..every day. His past 8 birthdays? Had to deal with images of his shady ass wife riding some dude. The past 8 Christmas'? Had to deal with images of his wife riding some dude. Past 8 wedding anniversaries? Just guess what images he was dealing with that day.

 

Oh, but it gets worse: triggers! This man probably can't hear the word "cheat" in any context without thinking of his wife. News story about some guy cheating at checkers? Still going to conjure images of the worst betrayal ever. Oh, and good luck avoiding all tv shows, books, and movies that feature cheating in one form or another. Or especially if you have one of those shows trying to make you feel SORRY for the cheater(like that one episode of "House" which was utterly disgusting).

Edited July 15, 2015 by Spectre

[gettingstronger]

I hear you, but I have to say that, from my own perspective, when I was a BS, eight years of my life in reconciliation hell would have been way too long. Maybe a year, or two, but eight? Never mind wasting my WS's spouse's time, I wouldn't have cared about that, but I certainly would not have wasted that much of my own life.

 

That's just me though.... but I honestly do think that 8 years is a long time. Can you really imagine yourself going through this for SIX more years (FOUR TIMES longer than you have already been in?)

 

 

I agree- it could be there was a triggering event- maybe not even in their own marriage, but a death or divorce of a close friend-or something life changing that made the BS think, you know- I can not live my life like this any longer- it happens-I have had friends change careers they were fine with when a life altering event happens because its awakens something within them- unfortunately, when infidelity is part of your marriage its always there, maybe latent, maybe more, but its always there- like I said, forever is not the given is was before infidelity- I am not looking for a reason to leave or trigger-its always there-

 

Sheesh- I sound negative, I guess the trigger I spoke of above is this post for me-thinking about feeling like this after 8 years is scary-

[Spectre]

I have never cheated. Everyone here knows my story. Short term mistress been with my h for years now. First and last time for both f us.

 

Oh, so you didn't cheat on your HUSBAND. You just participated in a DIFFERENT cheating as the mistress. (and have to point out that the CHEATING was only short term, as opposed to your 'years now' husband, to try to minimize what you KNOW was wrong)

 

No wonder.

 

 

So when I first saw it I assumed she was saying that she had never cheated, but that at one point her husband cheated on her via having a mistress.

 

From other reply it seems SHE was the mistress she was referring to? Then I can only assume the "first and last time for both of us" comment meant that the husband had a wife, but this woman was his mistress..but then he left the wife and married his mistress?

 

Since..no, that can't be the truth. Not the way this "goody" lady is acting, she couldn't of been a MISTRESS and home wrecker.

[WasOtherWoman]

I agree- it could be there was a triggering event- maybe not even in their own marriage, but a death or divorce of a close friend-or something life changing that made the BS think, you know- I can not live my life like this any longer- it happens-I have had friends change careers they were fine with when a life altering event happens because its awakens something within them- unfortunately, when infidelity is part of your marriage its always there, maybe latent, maybe more, but its always there- like I said, forever is not the given is was before infidelity- I am not looking for a reason to leave or trigger-its always there-

 

Sheesh- I sound negative, I guess the trigger I spoke of above is this post for me-thinking about feeling like this after 8 years is scary-

 

I COMPLETELY AGREE. I have said from the beginning that "something changedd". Whether that is something like you described as above, he met someone else (i am not judging him!!), a friend told him he was crazy for staying all this time.. something..... but something changed. It just did.

[Spectre]

The change might not of been triggered by any outside event, maybe it was his latent self respect finally kicking in. Especially because I guarantee you from day one this guys friends would of been telling him he was crazy.

[goodyblue]

Oh, so you didn't cheat on your HUSBAND. You just participated in a DIFFERENT cheating as the mistress. (and have to point out that the CHEATING was only short term, as opposed to your 'years now' husband, to try to minimize what you KNOW was wrong)

 

No wonder.

 

Lol. I just laugh at these responses. My h and I have worked very hard in therapy, in making sure our r is where it should be. We didn't just have an affair and skip off into the sunset. But thanks for playing. You can trade in your tickets at the counter for a prize.

[gettingstronger]

I COMPLETELY AGREE. I have said from the beginning that "something changedd". Whether that is something like you described as above, he met someone else (i am not judging him!!), a friend told him he was crazy for staying all this time.. something..... but something changed. It just did.

 

 

 

Right, however, the infidelity 8 years ago in essence is still the reason for him leaving I think- the marriage may have survived the event if it was not for the prior infidelity-

 

Again, just guessing but I think you and I agree- he was not sitting around for 8 years hiding and plotting his revenge on her- they both probably tried and he may be just as surprised as she is that it did not work out-

[Lovebug66]

Just stop. Where do you get the balls to compare your partner having an affair to rape or combat? This is just something over emotional people who have no control of their thought process say to feel better. It is like comparing a cold to cancer. Give me a break already.

 

I'm a rape survivor. My H's betrayal (which went deeper than just an A) was much more devastating to me. The guy that raped me was just some bad person who hurt me. I expected more from the man I had loved with every inch of my being for 13 years, my whole adult life. That I trusted not to bring such pain into my life, who made vows to me. But what do I know, I'm just over emotional and have no control over my thought process.

[goodyblue]

So when I first saw it I assumed she was saying that she had never cheated, but that at one point her husband cheated on her via having a mistress.

 

From other reply it seems SHE was the mistress she was referring to? Then I can only assume the "first and last time for both of us" comment meant that the husband had a wife, but this woman was his mistress..but then he left the wife and married his mistress?

 

Since..no, that can't be the truth. Not the way this "goody" lady is acting, she couldn't of been a MISTRESS and home wrecker.

 

Say what you like but maybe you should look at who is happy and who is not. I don't feel the need to defend myself to you. I have been around a long time. My attitude has changed significantly, but think what you like.

 

Enjoy your day.

[gettingstronger]

I'm a rape survivor. My H's betrayal (which went deeper than just an A) was much more devastating to me. The guy that raped me was just some bad person who hurt me. I expected more from the man I had loved with every inch of my being for 13 years, my whole adult life. That I trusted not to bring such pain into my life, who made vows to me. But what do I know, I'm just over emotional and have no control over my thought process.

 

 

Exactly- I have a friend that lost a child- later when her husband cheated on her she said the same thing- the loss of her child was devastating but was not done with malice against her- her husbands betrayal stung her in a deeper way because it was avoidable-she said it was hard to compare the two because both were traumatic but the trauma of being betrayed by someone you love was more life altering ( I can not judge her because I have not walked in her shoes)

[sandylee1]

Can you really imagine yourself going through this for SIX more years (FOUR TIMES longer than you have already been in?)

 

^^^^^ I commend this man for what he endured. How difficult it must have been, yet somehow he did it for his son. He may well have wanted to leave sooner, bur said I'll give it another year see if it's any better. They say 2 to 5 years on average, so he tries his best. That isn't 2 to 5 years to erase your memory and free you of all the pain..

 

As he saw his son growing up over the months and years, he's probably thinking how can I not be here for him everyday. Many BSs hide their pain. They cry in the shower, in the car , anywhere the WS can't see them , because they want to get over it and they want to appear strong.

 

When a WS or AP says 'it was only.......it was just......' , they just don't get it and that same character trait that made them a WS/AP will be with them forever, unless they change their thinking.......but you know we're all different......that's why some people cheat and others don't.

[Spectre]

I just need to point out one more thing: the OP's attitude is something I see that is typical of cheaters. Notice her wording for things like:

 

"But is there any way I can convince my husband not to divorce me and break up our family?"

 

She honestly believes it is the husband who will of broken up the family. I wonder what this woman would tell her child if the kid asks why daddy will not come home?

 

She destroyed the family the moment her legs opened up for another man. But look..OP, I will try to give you some advice you can use: stop crying, at least stop crying around your husband(or soon to be ex, should I say?). Think of it from his point of view. You did this, you did all this. If anyone should be crying it should be him, not you. So try to curb the tears around him. On top of that, try to curb them around your child as well. All the kid will see is "mommy is always crying because of daddy, so daddy must of done something wrong".

[WasOtherWoman]

Right, however, the infidelity 8 years ago in essence is still the reason for him leaving I think- the marriage may have survived the event if it was not for the prior infidelity-

 

Again, just guessing but I think you and I agree- he was not sitting around for 8 years hiding and plotting his revenge on her- they both probably tried and he may be just as surprised as she is that it did not work out-

 

Yep, I am sure if I asked my husband, he would say that the reason he left his XW was her infidelity, despite the fact that he left ten years prior. My husband WAS planning on leaving (not for revenge) and was clear with her that he was going to do so.

 

I in no way think the BS in this situation was being "sinister".

[goodyblue]

I'm a rape survivor. My H's betrayal (which went deeper than just an A) was much more devastating to me. The guy that raped me was just some bad person who hurt me. I expected more from the man I had loved with every inch of my being for 13 years, my whole adult life. That I trusted not to bring such pain into my life, who made vows to me. <snip>

 

I have two friends who have dealt with both and they are.definitely more traumatized by the rape. But, those are people IRL. They sought therapy and moved forward. I hope you find peace.

Edited July 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Spectre]

Say what you like but maybe you should look at who is happy and who is not. I don't feel the need to defend myself to you. I have been around a long time. My attitude has changed significantly, but think what you like.

 

Enjoy your day.

 

Of course you are happy. You were an OW and your consequence was, you got to marry your MM. That is usually the GOAL OF AN OW.

Edited July 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[goodyblue]

Of course you are happy. You were an OW and your consequence was, you got to marry your MM. That is usually the GOAL OF AN OW.

 

I meant generally. My guy went without sexual intimacy for 12 years. Because his ex felt fat. And an Alcoholic. So... yeah. We are happy.

Edited July 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote

[WasOtherWoman]

^^^^^ I commend this man for what he endured. How difficult it must have been, yet somehow he did it for his son. He may well have wanted to leave sooner, bur said I'll give it another year see if it's any better. They say 2 to 5 years on average, so he tries his best. That isn't 2 to 5 years to erase your memory and free you of all the pain..

 

As he saw his son growing up over the months and years, he's probably thinking how can I not be here for him everyday. Many BSs hide their pain. They cry in the shower, in the car , anywhere the WS can't see them , because they want to get over it and they want to appear strong.

 

When a WS or AP says 'it was only.......it was just......' , they just don't get it and that same character trait that made them a WS/AP will be with them forever, unless they change their thinking.......but you know we're all different......that's why some people cheat and others don't.

 

I used to feel differently, even questioned my husband as to why he stayed all of those years, but when I see my steps, well adjusted happy adults with successful marriages of their own, I can understand why he stayed with his then wife.

 

Do we know how old the OP's son is? Something still made the BS in this situation decide NOW was an ok time to leave.

[sandylee1]

despite the fact that he left ten years prior. My husband WAS planning on leaving (not for revenge) .

 

Do you mean 10 years LATER? As in after the affair and not PRIOR to the affair?

[Spectre]

I meant generally. My guy went without sexual intimacy for 12 years. Because his ex felt fat. And an Alcoholic. So... yeah. We are happy.

 

I know you meant generally and once again though: you got what you wanted. You were the mistress, and most of the time mistresses get tossed away sooner or later(usually replaced by a younger, prettier mistress). You, on the other hand, ended up married to the man.

 

So why would you not be happy in general? You attained the goal most mistresses want/never get.

 

But you still don't see the problems with you having been the other woman in a situation, but then telling people stuff like "well they need to learn to just not think about things".

[velvette]

Just stop. Where do you get the balls to compare your partner having an affair to rape or combat? This is just something over emotional people who have no control of their thought process say to feel better. It is like comparing a cold to cancer. Give me a break already.

 

As usual, you entirely miss the point. Having an A is not the same as raping someone. That doesn't mean the resulting trauma is different for the person who was raped or betrayed.

 

 

You can believe what you want in the absence of any personal knowledge on the subject. For what its worth, anyone who knows me would be laughing their a$$e$ off at the thought that I an overly emotional person who has no control of her thoughts.

 

 

And for the record I was not comparing my life to the sacrifices of those in combat. Nonetheless, I have no doubt that there are combat veterans out there who suffer equally or more from affair related trauma as they do from combat trauma.

 

 

Give you a break? I think you need to give yourself a break and educate yourself about trauma before you present yourself as an expert on things you haven't experienced.

[Furious]

I agree, we will never agree.

 

My husband stayed for his kids, for ten years after his XW's second indiscretion. He did tell her though, that as soon as the youngest was out of the house, he would be leaving also. She was still shocked and angry (but did get over it) when he actually left.

 

Maybe the BH in this case truly did not know what he was going to do, but I think that eight years truly is an awfully long time to take to make a decision. Maybe he did plan this, maybe not, we will probably never know.

 

 

Doing the math, it would say that your husband's youngest child was 7 or 8 years old when your husband decided to stay married with his ex for the next 10 years until the child went off to college.

 

The OP's child was only a baby at a year and a half when her husband discovered the affair. It sounds like they were a young couple and both of them struggled to keep the family together. Maybe her husband just couldn't see himself hanging in there for another decade like your husband did until the child was off to college.

 

Maybe he tried to make it work, but in his heart it was something he could not reconcile with. I can only imagine he must have been struggling the entire time, probably a cycle of good days when it looked like they could make it and bad days when he doubted it.

 

I feel for both of them, I hope that they can co-parent their child and wish them each peace and future happiness as they go their separate way.

[daisygirl19]

I know you meant generally and once again though: you got what you wanted. You were the mistress, and most of the time mistresses get tossed away sooner or later(usually replaced by a younger, prettier mistress). You, on the other hand, ended up married to the man.

 

So why would you not be happy in general? You attained the goal most mistresses want/never get.

 

But you still don't see the problems with you having been the other woman in a situation, but then telling people stuff like "well they need to learn to just not think about things".

 

I sort of see Goody's point. At some point in all of our lives, things happen to us that are out of our control, things we didn't deserve, etc. However, at some point, you have to make a conscious decision to either let the pain consume you and destroy you, or let it go. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is possible for most people.