Did I deserve so much punishment?

[daisygirl19]

In theory I agree with you, but even making a conscious decision to let trauma go or do something about it, for example seek therapy, is a process for most people. It rarely happens overnight.

 

 

Usually, if all you do is decide to let it go, it rises up and bites you in the ass later. Even if you seek therapy and think you have let it go it can rise up again.

 

 

Bottom line, is no one can tell someone else how to resolve their trauma whatever it is caused by. Its not a straight line where step 1, 2, 3 works the same for everyone.

 

 

Mental trauma is no different than physical trauma. Some traumas of either kind will leave scar tissue that aches/throbs when the weather is right no matter what you do.

 

 

What some are not recognizing is that when you attempt reconciliation you are interacting every day with the person who caused the trauma. That greatly ups the chance for continued triggered trauma or "bad weather"

 

Agreed. I never said it was easy, only that is a conscious choice that needs to be made to try to move past the pain or the trauma. I still believe that over time, and with a lot of work, it is possible for most people - if they're willing to give it the energy it requires.

[goodyblue]

But not just interesting to you, but funny as well. Like I said, this is a thread where we've had people bashing the husband so I get your chuckles, because you can't do anything but laugh at such posts bashing the poor guy. Though why do I get the feeling you weren't laughing at those?

 

If it doesn't matter what any of us say then why would you bother replying at all? Plus it still begs the question though: if this man did exactly what you are suggesting, played the whole "mind over matter" thing, got rid of the "mind movies" and decided to move on and the best way he felt to move on was to divorce..what is wrong with that?

 

 

 

I think the kid doesn't need to know specific details, but at least needs to know it ain't daddies fault the family broke up. He sees his mother crying all the damn time and the father isn't around, some kinds might infer that to mean the DAD did something. Which just isn't acceptable.

 

Not laughing at OP or her husband. I think the responses are priceless.

[DevastatedH]

The cruelty and hatred shown by so many on this thread towards the OP is astounding.

 

The self justification for such uneblievable bitterness is beyond disgusting. That complete lack of care for her in those posts is apparent. Specualtion is all that is done by both sides. Yeah, obviously she didn't give all the information in the first post. Maybe her intent was to get sympathy or maybe it was to show another pathetic cheater for the mobs to devour. But whatever the case. Such misdirected anger is not needed here.

 

She cheated 8 years ago. Her husband may not have got over it but she didn't cheat on any of you... So get over it. Get over your self righteous attitude and actually move on with your life. You think you are here helping BS and putting cheaters where they belong and that is comendable? No, it is just a sign you have let someone else ruin your life and are staying stuck in that place.

 

You are human just like any other person who cheats or not. You bleed when cut and so does the OP. There is so much talk about kindness and empathy towards Bs. Even ones decades past DDay because of triggers and wounds and so forth. Well, how about a little kindness and empathy for the OP. Of course that would admit to wrongdoing. And we wouldn't want that being so good at self justification and self entitlement.

[goodyblue]

The cruelty and hatred shown by so many on this thread towards the OP is astounding.

 

The self justification for such uneblievable bitterness is beyond disgusting. That complete lack of care for her in those posts is apparent. Specualtion is all that is done by both sides. Yeah, obviously she didn't give all the information in the first post. Maybe her intent was to get sympathy or maybe it was to show another pathetic cheater for the mobs to devour. But whatever the case. Such misdirected anger is not needed here.

 

She cheated 8 years ago. Her husband may not have got over it but she didn't cheat on any of you... So get over it. Get over your self righteous attitude and actually move on with your life. You think you are here helping BS and putting cheaters where they belong and that is comendable? No, it is just a sign you have let someone else ruin your life and are staying stuck in that place.

 

You are human just like any other person who cheats or not. You bleed when cut and so does the OP. There is so much talk about kindness and empathy towards Bs. Even ones decades past DDay because of triggers and wounds and so forth. Well, how about a little kindness and empathy for the OP. Of course that would admit to wrongdoing. And we wouldn't want that being so good at self justification and self entitlement.

 

Well I can't believe anyone else dares throw their hat in the ring but good on ya. Good luck.

[ladydesigner]

The cruelty and hatred shown by so many on this thread towards the OP is astounding.

 

The self justification for such uneblievable bitterness is beyond disgusting. That complete lack of care for her in those posts is apparent. Specualtion is all that is done by both sides. Yeah, obviously she didn't give all the information in the first post. Maybe her intent was to get sympathy or maybe it was to show another pathetic cheater for the mobs to devour. But whatever the case. Such misdirected anger is not needed here.

 

She cheated 8 years ago. Her husband may not have got over it but she didn't cheat on any of you... So get over it. Get over your self righteous attitude and actually move on with your life. You think you are here helping BS and putting cheaters where they belong and that is comendable? No, it is just a sign you have let someone else ruin your life and are staying stuck in that place.

 

You are human just like any other person who cheats or not. You bleed when cut and so does the OP. There is so much talk about kindness and empathy towards Bs. Even ones decades past DDay because of triggers and wounds and so forth. Well, how about a little kindness and empathy for the OP. Of course that would admit to wrongdoing. And we wouldn't want that being so good at self justification and self entitlement.

 

I don't think the majority of posters (mainly BS's) are trying to put cheaters where they belong, we can only offer a perspective for why this OP's BS may have decided to end things after 8 years. A lot of insight into trauma after infidelity has been stated in this thread and I don't feel should be ignored.

 

I cheated too so I get how upsetting it would be for the WS to feel like they put all this effort to save the M just to have it end. I believe the WS's who have put in the work to repair the M and right their wrong deserve redemption. The OP's BS may even have forgiven her, maybe he has grown in an entirely different direction than the OP and it is no longer working for whatever reason.

[sweet_pea]

You are kidding, right? I was attacked.in this thread more than I was attacking. See, this.is where I laugh because for me this thread got funnier and funnier. I don't feel hostile at all. Just because I am not a quivering pansy does not make me hostile. Lol. Jesus.

 

Not kidding at all, I'm just saying, no need to be hostile. I'd say you and others posters have thrown an equal amount of jabs so let's not act innocent? But do you, goody, do you!

[velvette]

You have no idea what I know about trauma. You assume much.

 

And yes, the trauma IS different between your husband screwing the maid behind your back and being a sharp shooter who sits on a hill in a combat zone and picks off the enemy and has to live with that. So grow up. I just happen to know the difference and I don't cry for sympathy.

 

Not assuming anything. Going based on your words.

 

 

The effects of trauma are not necessarily different for someone experiencing infidelity or combat. Whatever the trauma, the possible symptoms for it are the same. Some will experience all the symptoms; some a few.

 

 

How people experience trauma is a very individual thing based on whether there have been previous traumas and at what age they occurred. How much other stress is in their life at the time of the trauma. And many other things. So yes someone can conceivably experience more symptoms from infidelity than from combat. Just as someone already explained to you that two people experiencing the same combat experience one may have no trauma or they both could have different levels of trauma/symptoms.

 

 

What does crying for sympathy have to do with anything? Haven't seen anyone doing that.

[goodyblue]

Not kidding at all, I'm just saying, no need to be hostile. I'd say you and others posters have thrown an equal amount of jabs so let's not act innocent? But do you, goody, do you!

 

Do you? Lmao! What is it, 2001? I definitely defended myself. Stay sweet.

[SoulStorm]

Not assuming anything. Going based on your words.

 

 

The effects of trauma are not necessarily different for someone experiencing infidelity or combat. Whatever the trauma, the possible symptoms for it are the same. Some will experience all the symptoms; some a few.

 

 

How people experience trauma is a very individual thing based on whether there have been previous traumas and at what age they occurred. How much other stress is in their life at the time of the trauma. And many other things. So yes someone can conceivably experience more symptoms from infidelity than from combat. Just as someone already explained to you that two people experiencing the same combat experience one may have no trauma or they both could have different levels of trauma/symptoms.

 

 

What does crying for sympathy have to do with anything? Haven't seen anyone doing that.

I've been on duty during combat (Desert Storm) and I have also been cheated on. Suffered PTSD from both incidents. The feelings ARE the same. I would prefer having PTSD from war far more than infidelity. At least in war I don't personally know my enemy. In Infidelity, the person you thought you could trust most became your enemy. That's a hard river to row.

[autumnnight]

Not assuming anything. Going based on your words.

 

 

The effects of trauma are not necessarily different for someone experiencing infidelity or combat. Whatever the trauma, the possible symptoms for it are the same. Some will experience all the symptoms; some a few.

 

 

How people experience trauma is a very individual thing based on whether there have been previous traumas and at what age they occurred. How much other stress is in their life at the time of the trauma. And many other things. So yes someone can conceivably experience more symptoms from infidelity than from combat. Just as someone already explained to you that two people experiencing the same combat experience one may have no trauma or they both could have different levels of trauma/symptoms.

 

 

What does crying for sympathy have to do with anything? Haven't seen anyone doing that.

 

 

This is very true. Trauma is individual, and when the person who caused your trauma has an excuse for it, ignores it, justifies it, etc....that can actually add to the trauma symptoms. And if the person experiencing the ongoing trauma is responsible for others, then they may suffer the effects of trauma as well.

 

That is why no matter our place in life, no matter our pasts, no matter our professed motives, we must think long and hard about how we chose to involve or insert ourselves into other people lives and families. Because in the end, whether we tell ourselves is wasn't our fault or not....if the worst happens as a result...it WAS our fault.

[sweet_pea]

Do you? Lmao! What is it, 2001? I definitely defended myself. Stay sweet.

 

Hey, the message remains, whether 2001 or 2015! And I'll surely stay sweeter than you

[Mr. Lucky]

This is 19 pages long and I didn't read every page or close to it, but I truly hope the husband wasn't really bashed all that much.

 

How many pages since the OP checked in? Thought the thread was supposed to be about her ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[66Charger]

Although my post is Lost in the cheaters versus the BS battle, I would like to pose the question again to the OP, if she ever returns.

 

Why do you want to keep this marriage?

How do you feel about your husband as a man?

That is not the same as father and provider.

If your reply is simply, because I love him, can you please give details as to what YOU feel Love is?

Do you feel your husband exceeds everything you wrote about your OM?

It was probably difficult for him to be the "amazing lover" given the circumstances but what are your deepest thoughts on your husband?

Why should he stay with you? Besides for your son.

 

These questions are not posted for the LS community to give answers to and There is no right or wrong answers, so it is ok to be honest.

 

If these questions are unimportant to you, I withdraw the post and wish you well

[Sastrugi]

Goody,

 

I read your post and just cannot fathom were you are coming from.

 

The BS told remorseful strait up he "Tried" to make it work

I bold the important points. I also note that OP treated her BS horribly for 1/3 of their marriage.

 

remorseful_tab

 

Wow! So many responses! Sorry for the late reply.

 

People asking that what has cause my husband to ask for a divorce after all these years. My answer I ABSOLUTELY DON'T KNOW!

 

I can only say what my husband has told me - he tried to stay with me because of our son. If we were childless at the time, he would have divorced me right away. He tried to forget the things that I did, how horribly I treated him all those years ago but he simply can't. It was too much disrepect, deceit and humiliating for him to bear. And he can't anymore.

 

I said sorry. I cried. I begged.

 

I would understand it if everyday was a struggle. But they were not. Many new memories were made, romance recreated from both sides, I again fell in love with him. Does these things does not matter? Does only my affair and my behaviour then matters?

 

My husband didn't answer this.

 

And

 

Husband never asked me about the sexual encounters. THAT WOULD HAVE

BEEN MUCH EASIER. Because I didn't do anything with OM that I didn't do

with my husband before.<br>

<br>

But he asked me about things which were more hurtful for him. <br>

<br>

He asked about the times I lied to him and used every oppurtunity to see

the OM, the times when I was numb to him because OM had my thoughts,

the time where I rejected my husband offer to go out together or the

times I rejected his advances.<br>

<br>

When I said husband revealed to me things that he never said before,

they were that he had read a soft copy draft of a letter then I had

written to a relationship advice site. In this letter I vividly

described my attraction to the OM, how sex was amazing with (makes me

ill when I type this now), how I was pushing him away, how I didn't

think our relationship could recover.<br>

<br>

Husband asked me for the divorce on the date which is the same date my

husband discovered my affair 8 years ago (DDay happened one month

later). He never told me this date before.

 

it is all right here in Remorseful's responses. BS wanted to stay and be a full time dad, he wanted to make it work. The emotional trauma that letter caused must have been devastating. In the end, he gave it his best shot and then threw in the towel . What more can a WW ask for?

 

I have been there, I am staying for my kids right now, and hoping my wife and i can work through our trauma. We are in MC...

 

I am saying this as both a Betrayed and then a Wayward spouse-

 

I read Goody's post and shake my head. She appears to have no empathy for the BS, no wonder she is an OW.

 

 

Remorseful-

Ask your BS to go to a MC to discuss the pending divorce and how it will affect your son. Discuss parenting schedules, duties, responsibilities etc. A MC will be looking at all three parties interest together and advising as such.

 

In my case, I went to MC thinking about divorce and exit strategies now I am considering so much more. I went with the expectation of a couple of sessions, my wife and I are now at 3 months and continuing MC.

 

Wishing you the best,

 

S.

 

BTW - I forgot to note that I have been doing a lot of IC to help get my head on straight. IC might be helpful in your situation too.

[goodyblue]

Goody,

 

I read your post and just cannot fathom were you are coming from.

 

The BS told remorseful strait up he "Tried" to make it work

I bold the important points. I also note that OP treated her BS horribly for 1/3 of their marriage.

 

 

 

And

 

 

 

it is all right here in Remorseful's responses. BS wanted to stay and be a full time dad, he wanted to make it work. The emotional trauma that letter caused must have been devastating. In the end, he gave it his best shot and then threw in the towel . What more can a WW ask for?

 

I have been there, I am staying for my kids right now, and hoping my wife and i can work through our trauma. We are in MC...

 

I am saying this as both a Betrayed and then a Wayward spouse-

 

I read Goody's post and shake my head. She appears to have no empathy for the BS, no wonder she is an OW.

 

 

Remorseful-

Ask your BS to go to a MC to discuss the pending divorce and how it will affect your son. Discuss parenting schedules, duties, responsibilities etc. A MC will be looking at all three parties interest together and advising as such.

 

In my case, I went to MC thinking about divorce and exit strategies now I am considering so much more. I went with the expectation of a couple of sessions, my wife and I are now at 3 months and continuing MC.

 

Wishing you the best,

 

S.

 

BTW - I forgot to note that I have been doing a lot of IC to help get my head on straight. IC might be helpful in your situation too.

 

I said that I felt it was wrong for him to stay and then, 8 years later, leave and blame an almost decade or affair. He should have known 1 or 2 years in.

 

I stated that a marriage that is roommates or worse is not teaching) their son what a loving marriage is.

 

I stated the OP should accept the divorce and move on.

 

No matter what I say it hurts your feelings so I will leave everyone to it.

 

Regards

[Sastrugi]

I said that I felt it was wrong for him to stay and then, 8 years later, leave and blame an almost decade or affair. He should have known 1 or 2 years in.

 

I stated that a marriage that is roommates or worse is not teaching) their son what a loving marriage is.

 

I stated the OP should accept the divorce and move on.

 

No matter what I say it hurts your feelings so I will leave everyone to it.

 

Regards

 

This is were we are miss-communicating , I believe the BS stayed for 8 years working on the marriage as well as he could. Note that the OP says they made new memories, she fell back in love again.... In the end,as much he tried , he gave up, end of story. the affair was always in the back of his mind. So yes the affair ended the marriage, but not for lack of trying.

 

the way i read your post he should have known 1 to 2 years in, get over it or move on.... Give me a ****ing break. It is not that easy for most. My head certainly was not on straight after 1 to 2 years. Hell, I was having RA's because i was not thinking rationally. It took crushing my SO spirit to call a truce and then rugsweep everything. Fresh starts do not work unless you truly do the work to rebuild the marriage . But that's a whole separate post.

 

Most will tell you reconciliation, done correctly, takes anywhere from 2 to 5 years on average. He tried for 8. Yet you make him the bad guy. That is our disconnect. Has nothing to do with my feelings.

 

Oh well, so much for giving good advice to the OP. I will work on that. Although like others i believe she has left the post.

[minimariah]

I said that I felt it was wrong for him to stay and then, 8 years later, leave and blame an almost decade or affair. He should have known 1 or 2 years in.

 

it's not that easy.

 

sometimes folks THINK they've moved on and something will happen, YEARS LATER, that will show them that nothing had changed.

 

you can't really know, it's same with every other relationship. what happens in situations like these also, as a result of an affair and failed trust - people slowly fall out of love. it takes some longer than the others to figure stuff out.

 

in my opinion, the OP's H probably found someone who filled that void. something tells me he had a motivation from the outside for leaving the marriage, as well as the child being older.

[bigman1]

No, OP you don't deserve so much punishment. 8 years is long enough. If for the last 8 years your spouse was treating you like crap because of your affair, I'd say that both of you need to face the reality that the marriage should be over.

 

Also, DIVORCE IS NOT PUNISHMENT. Divorce is a result, just like marriage is a result. You date, get close, desire to be exclusive, find yourself compatible, want to get married and do. That is a result. Likewise, Divorce is a result. Its not a punishment. Perhaps your cheating was the catalyst. Still, if he divorced you near Dday, you'd still be divorced now. Would you still be getting punished? Of course not, you'd just be divorced. Thus, divorce now may seem like punishment, but in the end, it MAY just be the result of your cheating.

 

Of course, it could also be the result of other things. Or maybe a combination of other stuff plus infidelity. Still, its just a result NOT punishment.

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[velvette]

I've been on duty during combat (Desert Storm) and I have also been cheated on. Suffered PTSD from both incidents. The feelings ARE the same. I would prefer having PTSD from war far more than infidelity. At least in war I don't personally know my enemy. In Infidelity, the person you thought you could trust most became your enemy. That's a hard river to row.

 

 

Thanks for sharing that and thanks for your service.

 

 

This is exactly the same thing that many rape survivors say.

[minimariah]

Also, DIVORCE IS NOT PUNISHMENT.

 

this. the OP's husband isn't punishing her -- he simply decided to move on with his life without her. she is the one who keeps blaming and punishing herself.

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[goodyblue]

Also, DIVORCE IS NOT PUNISHMENT.

 

this. the OP's husband isn't punishing her -- he simply decided to move on with his life without her. she is the one who keeps blaming and punishing herself.

 

Didn't he say he was leaving due to the affair and that he only stayed for his son? I could be confused...

 

Either way, it is of no consequence, he has left and her only option is to move forward and be a good mom.

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[minimariah]

Didn't he say he was leaving due to the affair and that he only stayed for his son? I could be confused...

 

he didn't -- the OP assumed that because his behavior had drastically changed since the A & because he agreed to try and make it work for the child.

 

folks often try to stay and work it out for the sake of the kid, especially when they are very young but as the years go by... they detach emotionally from the WS & eventually leave. staying and trying to make it work for the kid isn't the same as staying ONLY for the kid and planning to leave when the kid is old enough.

 

but that's not a punishment. i mean, sure -- him staying around & treating her in a "detached" manner probably was punishment... but him leaving? no, that's not punishment. him planning to divorce all along when the kid gets bigger isn't a punishment either. it's the OP who feels she's being punished.

Edited July 15, 2015 by minimariah

[goodyblue]

he didn't -- the OP assumed that because his behavior had drastically changed since the A & because he agreed to try and make it work for the child.

 

folks often try to stay and work it out for the sake of the kid, especially when they are very young but as the years go by... they detach emotionally from the WS & eventually leave. staying and trying to make it work for the kid isn't the same as staying ONLY for the kid and planning to leave when the kid is old enough.

 

but that's not a punishment. i mean, sure -- him staying around & treating her in a "detached" manner probably was punishment... but him leaving? no, that's not punishment. him planning to divorce all along when the kid gets bigger isn't a punishment either. it's the OP who feels she's being punished.

 

I.dont.think he is punishing her by leaving either. I.think she.should view it as being set free to.live her life.

[William]

Noting one of our other moderators has sanctioned one member for a mean-spirited comment and I've had to clean up some other borderline stuff, including back and forth between members on their own situations having nothing to do with the thread starter's topic, I'll issue a directive to focus on the thread starter, their relationships, and interact in a manner consistent with our guidelines. Thanks!

Bumping this up in case members missed it or overlooked it. When moderation receives reports on threads and works them, we keep an eye on them and the members who start them and have policies about languishing threads and can see who's doing what and where. So, if you see the thread open to responses, trust there's a reason it is and simply continue to address the topic or move on. Thanks!

[minimariah]

I.dont.think he is punishing her by leaving either. I.think she.should view it as being set free to.live her life.

 

i agree!

 

i feel very bad for the OP because, in my opinion, she's being too hard on herself. okay, she had an A. but she was also willing to redeem herself and to work on her marriage but it didn't work out & her BS just wasn't ready.

 

she clearly feels a lot of guilt and shame, sadness. and her marriage failing really wasn't ONLY her fault, it always takes two to tango.

 

so OP -- forgive yourself, my darling. this is the end of an era, you will move on. focus on moving forward and don't dwell too much on the past, the affair... don't think too much about it. no point.