Did I deserve so much punishment?

[remorseful_tab]

First I would like to clear a few things:

 

When I said my husband "initiated" sex almost 30 times in 8 years, I meant that my husband approached me for sex.

 

Other times it was always me who initiated sex. But I did not resent it. Our sex life was 1 or 2 times per week and I was ok with that.

 

At the beginning when I said our married life recovered after DDay I meant it.

 

But I always knew that he was somewhat putting up a wall with me. He lost his spontaneity.

 

I was still after DDay. It took me another 2-3 months to detox from the affair. I had trouble bonding with my husband. I would cry and grieve the death of the relationship though it was a one-sided sexual attraction from his side. But still I was reeling from its loss.

 

So I took a lot of time to bond with my husband. But it happened eventually. I knew his triggers. I always apologised to him when I sensed something was going in his mind. I initiated talks to let him know that I cared for him, would do anything to heal him and I told him he could ask me anything. I gave him all my account details and passwords. I always find ways to check him and reassure that I was there where I said. I spent less time with my friend and more with him.

 

I continuously asked him to do MC but he never agreed.

 

But whatever was discussed in IC, I relayed to him. He heard them but did not say much.

 

Except his occassional outbursts and lashing out he was polite with me. Though he didn't initiate sex much but he still organized family trips and night outs for us.

 

I really thought we had healed from that god-awful affair.

[beach]

What did he lash out about?

[ladydesigner]

I'm sorry (((remorseful))) you sound like you have done more than my WH has done for me which is why I have not healed. Try to focus on you and your happiness and healing. Do you have a good support system, family or friends?

[remorseful_tab]

Its been 6 days he has moved out.

 

I knew all this time he was planning to leave me. How? He had already rented a place beforehand. He had hired a lawyer. He made his resolve to not talk to me other than our son.

 

I asked him the same that you guys have been speculating. Nevertheless, I sought advice if there was anyway I could change his mind. Though I know he will not change it.

 

I wrote a mail and a text message to him yesterday asking whether there was anybody. No reply to any of them.

[ladydesigner]

Its been 6 days he has moved out.

 

I knew all this time he was planning to leave me. How? He had already rented a place beforehand. He had hired a lawyer. He made his resolve to not talk to me other than our son.

 

I asked him the same that you guys have been speculating. Nevertheless, I sought advice if there was anyway I could change his mind. Though I know he will not change it.

 

I wrote a mail and a text message to him yesterday asking whether there was anybody. No reply to any of them.

 

I'm very sorry the best advice I could give is to forgive yourself and move forward with your life. You sound like you gave R a really good shot! You are strong to have gone through that.

[remorseful_tab]

and not to let the actual question be lost:

 

 

 

sadly there is none. He has decided to leave. He has left you to explain to your son EVERYDAY why daddy is not coming home. He has abandoned you by not giving you a 'heads up' with his recent struggle.

 

OP please tell me you live in MA, NY or CA. if so there will be a minor silver lining --- the judge will not be so forgiving as the BS are here.

 

I live in London, UK

[turnera]

If he is really what you want, I will suggest this: Vow to yourself to spend the next YEAR doing nothing but taking care of your kids, attending IC, working, running your household, and being available to him anytime he makes a move. No dating, little friends or activities. Just spend this year showing him (in case he's watching) that you are all about your family. He may observe, he may not. But if he is, he'll see a woman who exemplifies honest, good living...rather than someone who just has to have a man around and goes out looking for one.

 

Your kids will need all your attention anyway, to get over this.

 

If after a year, you get nothin' from him, go ahead and move on.

 

There's a guy on another forum who kicked his WW out of the house, and into an apartment, that he paid for. She literally sat in that apartment for a year, barely doing anything. He couldn't bare to deal with her for months and months. But then he started to thaw. Last we saw of him, they had started dating again. He watched her, saw that she wasn't some hussy out to find fresh meat, saw that she was sincere in her remorse, and that softened his heart.

 

You never know.

[HurtOfGlass]

This husband deserves a medal for his courage.

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Popsicle]

Look on the bright side: It could have taken even longer. He could have strung this out for many more years (some BS's do) and maybe you would have reached the 16 year mark after the fact when he says he can't get over it and wants to divorce.

 

He probably just wants a divorce anyway for other reasons but it's easier to blame the A.

[goodyblue]

If he is really what you want, I will suggest this: Vow to yourself to spend the next YEAR doing nothing but taking care of your kids, attending IC, working, running your household, and being available to him anytime he makes a move. No dating, little friends or activities. Just spend this year showing him (in case he's watching) that you are all about your family. He may observe, he may not. But if he is, he'll see a woman who exemplifies honest, good living...rather than someone who just has to have a man around and goes out looking for one.

 

Your kids will need all your attention anyway, to get over this.

 

If after a year, you get nothin' from him, go ahead and move on.

 

There's a guy on another forum who kicked his WW out of the house, and into an apartment, that he paid for. She literally sat in that apartment for a year, barely doing anything. He couldn't bare to deal with her for months and months. But then he started to thaw. Last we saw of him, they had started dating again. He watched her, saw that she wasn't some hussy out to find fresh meat, saw that she was sincere in her remorse, and that softened his heart.

 

You never know.

 

OMG no. Do not do this. You have done what you thought was best and tried to make it work. Just move forward. Don't let this define your life. There are wonderful people out there, people who are kind and loving, forgiving. Move on with life and when you are ready, find someone new. And with any luck you learned your lesson (it sounds like you have) and don't have another affair.

 

Chin up.

[casey.lives]

cheating hurts a lot of people. directly and indirectly

[oldshirt]

If he is really what you want, I will suggest this: Vow to yourself to spend the next YEAR doing nothing but taking care of your kids, attending IC, working, running your household, and being available to him anytime he makes a move. No dating, little friends or activities. Just spend this year showing him (in case he's watching) that you are all about your family. He may observe, he may not. But if he is, he'll see a woman who exemplifies honest, good living...rather than someone who just has to have a man around and goes out looking for one.

 

Your kids will need all your attention anyway, to get over this.

 

If after a year, you get nothin' from him, go ahead and move on.

 

There's a guy on another forum who kicked his WW out of the house, and into an apartment, that he paid for. She literally sat in that apartment for a year, barely doing anything. He couldn't bare to deal with her for months and months. But then he started to thaw. Last we saw of him, they had started dating again. He watched her, saw that she wasn't some hussy out to find fresh meat, saw that she was sincere in her remorse, and that softened his heart.

 

You never know.

 

That may be valid advice for someone that had an affair last week or last month.

 

But in this case she has already been a good wife (we are to assume) for the past 8 years.

 

If she's been busting we butt to make it up for the past 8 years and he's still left her - it's over. One more day of waiting for him to come around is just a wasted day.

 

As far as I'm concerned she might as well move on and get a date this weekend.

 

I'd bet my last dollar he already has one lined up for the weekend.

[autumnnight]

I wrote a mail and a text message to him yesterday asking whether there was anybody. No reply to any of them.

 

I would be willing to bet my next 3 paychecks he has a girlfriend.

[gettingstronger]

Well, we have been around and around as has the OP on what exactly is going on in her husbands mind and no one knows for sure- what is known is that he wants a divorce and it does not appear he has any interest at all in reconciling- so....

 

to answer one of your original questions- does not look like there is anything you can do to save your marriage- it looks like you both tried and thats a good thing-

 

What to do now- accept the above and heal- I wouldn't continue to chase the does he or doesn't he have a girlfriend- it won't change anything and it will only lead to more heartache for you- you appear to have enough of that already-

 

Be a good parent to your kids, take care of yourself and start your new journey with your head up-

[sandylee1]

First I would like to clear a few things:

 

When I said my husband "initiated" sex almost 30 times in 8 years, I meant that my husband approached me for sex.

 

Other times it was always me who initiated sex. But I did not resent it. Our sex life was 1 or 2 times per week and I was ok with that.

 

At the beginning when I said our married life recovered after DDay I meant it.

 

But I always knew that he was somewhat putting up a wall with me. He lost his spontaneity.

 

I was still after DDay. It took me another 2-3 months to detox from the affair. I had trouble bonding with my husband. I would cry and grieve the death of the relationship though it was a one-sided sexual attraction from his side. But still I was reeling from its loss.

 

So I took a lot of time to bond with my husband. But it happened eventually. I knew his triggers. I always apologised to him when I sensed something was going in his mind. I initiated talks to let him know that I cared for him, would do anything to heal him and I told him he could ask me anything. I gave him all my account details and passwords. I always find ways to check him and reassure that I was there where I said. I spent less time with my friend and more with him.

 

I continuously asked him to do MC but he never agreed.

 

But whatever was discussed in IC, I relayed to him. He heard them but did not say much.

 

Except his occassional outbursts and lashing out he was polite with me. Though he didn't initiate sex much but he still organized family trips and night outs for us.

 

I really thought we had healed from that god-awful affair.

 

That grieving your OM is a killer for the BS. That showed him you didn't love him at that time and he most likely felt like plan B. Think about it. If your H an A, then having been given an ultimatum he ends it, but is miserable for the next few months.........you'd really feel like crap.

 

Maybe deep down he doesn't even know if you really love him. Maybe he thought you stayed for your son as well and that if you had a chance you'd have gone with the OM.

 

If the OM wanted you full time, would you have gone with him?

 

Him not responding to your email, is him going total NC as people advise in these situations. Contact about your son and essential household or financial matters.

 

Let him just move ahead the divorce.....I know infidelity and unreasonable behaviour are the only grounds for an immediate divorce in the UK and he's got the proof.

 

You'll be fine, onceyou adjust to your new life.

 

Do you know if your H lives in your locality now? Hopefully it's near enough to get to see your son.

 

From one Londoner to another, house prices are crazy here, so I hope your own housing doesn't get affected by the divorce too badly. With the rise in house prices, it's quite a challenge.

[elaine567]

I would be willing to bet my next 3 paychecks he has a girlfriend.

 

That is my interpretation too.

I agree with the idea that men in marriages generally hang around until they are pushed, and that pushing is often done by another woman champing at the bit and forcing them to make a move.

[gettingstronger]

I was still after DDay. It took me another 2-3 months to detox from the affair. I had trouble bonding with my husband. I would cry and grieve the death of the relationship though it was a one-sided sexual attraction from his side. But still I was reeling from its loss.

 

 

Oh, I missed this part- yes, this would be a real issue for me as a BS- my husband never openly grieved the loss of the affair- he never appeared to have any feelings of missing our OW- when dday struck, his eyes opened to what he did and he immediately felt disgust with himself and the situation-if he went through a period where he was sad and said, oh I miss her and I miss the affair, it would have rocked my soul- not saying it did not happen-although I doubt it based on the fact that in therapy he only cried or puked when we discussed the effects on us, not the situation details themselves-

[Friskyone4u]

That grieving your OM is a killer for the BS. That showed him you didn't love him at that time and he most likely felt like plan B. Think about it. If your H an A, then having been given an ultimatum he ends it, but is miserable for the next few months.........you'd really feel like crap.

 

Maybe deep down he doesn't even know if you really love him. Maybe he thought you stayed for your son as well and that if you had a chance you'd have gone with the OM.

 

There is nothing WORSE than TT and BH sitting there with you obviously not "all in" reconciliation. He probably never believed that you would not have gone with OM if you could have.

 

it really does not matter right now. And whether or not he has a girlfriend does not matter either. it is what it is, and you have to move on.

 

Each person is different in how they react to infidelity and how long if ever it takes to get over it. he just never did and you have to accept the fact that although you tried you killed the marriage with an extended affair of lying and deceiving. Sorry it worked out this way but he has made his choice.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Reading other boards around here...you will find many affairs with a BH. The OW will usually point to the wife's affair, the husband trying for years, the OW showing the BH what a "real" relationship is...etc.

 

I have not read one where the BH/WH went back to his FWW. Although I am sure they do exist.

 

Sometimes people need more time than what others feel they should be allocated to "get over it" or move on.

 

It is possible..that there is someone else. Heck...probable. No one on here knows for sure.

 

Oh, and in regard to those threads that have the BH/WH OW dynamic...all OW report that the FWW was blindsided by their BH/WH affair/divorce. Much like yourself. One could draw the conclusion..that those years that the FWW felt the marriage was back on track....it wasn't.

 

It might be worthwhile to research what areas you might have missed/if any...during R. It is always wise to pinpoint the wrong turns we took, so we don't repeat them in the future. Work on being a good co-parent.

 

I wish you well.

[Clay]

That is my interpretation too.

I agree with the idea that men in marriages generally hang around until they are pushed, and that pushing is often done by another woman champing at the bit and forcing them to make a move.

 

I am not as quick to jump on that band wagaon yet. I would bet there are things here she is not telling us. I went through this for 10 years with my xW and she did those little wonderful things to just keep the pain alive and each time I would try to talk to her and tell her it was hurting me she just told me I was crazy. I was just being insecure. She might have been looking up the OM and he found out about it. There could be a trail of things she did that just pushed him over the edge. My ninth year of my marriage is when I was done being played for a fool. How many WW's do you know that tell the complete truth and not try to spin the story in there positive light.

 

I do agree he should have left sooner. Like the day he caught her. I am sure there are people that have survived these kinds of things but I think there are just as few as the amount of cheaters that actually learned to be better people.

 

She needs to just let the divorce go through and start a new life for her. Hopefully with more counceling she can build a new healthy life with someone else and so can he.

 

 

Clay

[WasOtherWoman]

T

 

I'd bet my last dollar he already has one lined up for the weekend.

 

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG. When my husband left his then wife all those years ago, he did the same thing. Lined up where he was going, told her he was going, and went. That was that. No discussions, no muss, no fuss, no drama.

[WasOtherWoman]

That is my interpretation too.

I agree with the idea that men in marriages generally hang around until they are pushed, and that pushing is often done by another woman champing at the bit and forcing them to make a move.

 

Or, he finds someone he cannot live without and makes that decision on his own.

[understand50]

I am not as quick to jump on that band wagaon yet. I would bet there are things here she is not telling us. I went through this for 10 years with my xW and she did those little wonderful things to just keep the pain alive and each time I would try to talk to her and tell her it was hurting me she just told me I was crazy. I was just being insecure. She might have been looking up the OM and he found out about it. There could be a trail of things she did that just pushed him over the edge. My ninth year of my marriage is when I was done being played for a fool. How many WW's do you know that tell the complete truth and not try to spin the story in there positive light.

 

I do agree he should have left sooner. Like the day he caught her. I am sure there are people that have survived these kinds of things but I think there are just as few as the amount of cheaters that actually learned to be better people.

 

She needs to just let the divorce go through and start a new life for her. Hopefully with more counceling she can build a new healthy life with someone else and so can he.

 

 

Clay

 

I agree Clay, but this is true for all of LS, we are only hearing one side and that is all we can use. If we were hearing from the BH, we may have a different take.

 

If we distil all of the posting here, remorseful_tab, is getting the advise that she can not do anything, she should let him go, and she should concentrate on being a good mother and good person. That if there is any chance of a reconciliation, and they are REALLY slim, it will have to be if the BH decides to give it another go.

 

I feel for her and her son, and the pain and hurt must be overwhelming. To know deep down, that you are the root cause of all this must be hard. To that I wish her the best that can be out of the situation, and would let her know that there is a life past this pain.

 

Myself, if I was the BH, I would be more fourth coming in "closing" out my relationship. As I would have had a Son with remorseful_tab, and I am going to have to deal with her for the rest of my life, I would be building some type of relationship to co parent with her. He seems, or it is stated here, to be in punishment mode, and although he may have some cause with his SBEX, it is not OK to punish his son as well. He maybe hurting, but it has been 8 years, he is acting as if he found out yesterday. He need to grow up and be a father to his son, and work on a relationship with his SBEX to allow him to be that father. This is the paradox of breaking up a marriage. You may have good and moral reasons to divorce, but in doing so if you hurt the other spouse to a large extent, then you hurt other people and make the EX, hate you and actively work to limit you in their life, and your child. With divorce with kids, it is always better to take the high road, and think of the impact on the kids. How this goes down, can lessen the pain for all or make it worse. He seem to be trying to make it a bad as he can. What ever remorseful_tab's husband, hurt and pain, and I do not make light of them, I really find fault with him for making this so adversarial, and hurting his son.

[gettingstronger]

Or, he finds someone he cannot live without and makes that decision on his own.

 

 

 

Agree here- and that goes all ways- people that stay married after an affair, those that leave- sometimes its their wife they can not live without, sometimes its the OW or in this case a new GF- point being- eventually most people end up right where they truly want to be and there is not a whole lot others can do about it-

[I4givehim]

My affair started after I was 3 yrs married.

 

After pregnancy, my personality changed. I didn't understood it then but it was post partum depression. I was irritated with everything and this led to many fights with my husband. My husband was always trying to calm me in those fights but I didn't try to change myself. I always felt that I was making more sacrifice as a woman because of our son. I left my previous job. I resented the fact that I was left alone with the baby when my husband went out for work and work trips. I thought he was letting me carry all the burden when in reality he was doing his best as a husband and father to nuture our young family.

 

All this resentment in my mind distance me emotionally from my husband.

 

The affair was a result of this sh*tty mindset of my when I entered a new job after a year.

 

I did IC. I asked my husband to come to IC but he steadfastly refused everytime.

 

He tried!!!! You have never been cheated on??? It is the worst pain a person can feel. He tried for 8yrs to get over what you did to him but he just couldn't get past the pain of an A . Your past always comes back to haunt you, huh.... Good luck to you.