Did I deserve so much punishment?

[remorseful_tab]

Oh my God! Cant just believed this happened. I really did not know he bore so much hatred towards me!

 

Had a huge row with him on the phone.

 

He called to let me know that he will not be able to see our son this weekend. Because tomorrow (Friday) he is going away for the weekend to Amsterdam with his mates. So he wanted to let me personally know that he might hook up with some one there. So I was also free to engage with someone "if I haven't already and don't let our son see you ****ing".

 

I bursted out. Called him on his deceit. Called him a liar and a coward.

 

He basically told me whatever I did, he will never forgive me for that. I was only deluding myself if I thought he ever forgave me.

[beatcuff]

it's nice to see we are, for the most part, back to helping the OP instead of preaching about what has been done.

 

as for the $5,000 offer: i suggest to start, message #1009 in the thread: Wife of 31 years by Very Broken Man. Especially the part on failure.

 

as for the OP: i offer the following:

 

visit an attorney, they will give you your rights and obligations as well as what to expect.

 

continue or restart IC, they will help guide you on moving forward. also use as a resource in handling your son.

 

do a search on this board for 180.

 

reconnect with friends and family. you have to reach out. the more you do the more response you will get. especially M couples tend to shy away from those in D because they either are afraid of their relationship or are uncertain 'what to do'.

 

be strong for your son. hell tell him you f'd up (you will know when). i think one of the biggest disservices we do to our children is 'hide stuff' to protect them. failure is part of life, bad choices are part of life AND recovery is part of life. show them ALL three and they will be better for it.

 

get involved. go to your son's soccer games or whatever. they are great way to meet people: you already have two things in common --- child and sport.

 

forgive yourself. we all make mistakes. those that embrace them and use them to learn from will make a better mate for the next relationship. dwell too long/forever and you will taint your next one.

 

good luck.

[understand50]

it's nice to see we are, for the most part, back to helping the OP instead of preaching about what has been done.

 

as for the $5,000 offer: i suggest to start, message #1009 in the thread: Wife of 31 years by Very Broken Man. Especially the part on failure.

 

as for the OP: i offer the following:

 

visit an attorney, they will give you your rights and obligations as well as what to expect.

 

continue or restart IC, they will help guide you on moving forward. also use as a resource in handling your son.

 

do a search on this board for 180.

 

reconnect with friends and family. you have to reach out. the more you do the more response you will get. especially M couples tend to shy away from those in D because they either are afraid of their relationship or are uncertain 'what to do'.

 

be strong for your son. hell tell him you f'd up (you will know when). i think one of the biggest disservices we do to our children is 'hide stuff' to protect them. failure is part of life, bad choices are part of life AND recovery is part of life. show them ALL three and they will be better for it.

 

get involved. go to your son's soccer games or whatever. they are great way to meet people: you already have two things in common --- child and sport.

 

forgive yourself. we all make mistakes. those that embrace them and use them to learn from will make a better mate for the next relationship. dwell too long/forever and you will taint your next one.

 

good luck.

 

remorseful_tab,

 

Please read and heed the above.

 

On my last post, I stated that your SBEX is in punishment mode, you now need to protect yourself, and your son. Do what you need to do, but for your son's sake, do not go the same path as your SBEX, take the high road, remember you are protecting your son. Look out for your own self interests, as you have paid for your past mistakes, and do not need to be punished going forward. See the lawyer, make sure you get what the all the law allows you. Your path is clear, put aside the hurt and pain and execute on getting a divorce, and starting over.

 

I wish you luck

[autumnnight]

Oh my God! Cant just believed this happened. I really did not know he bore so much hatred towards me!

 

Had a huge row with him on the phone.

 

He called to let me know that he will not be able to see our son this weekend. Because tomorrow (Friday) he is going away for the weekend to Amsterdam with his mates. So he wanted to let me personally know that he might hook up with some one there. So I was also free to engage with someone "if I haven't already and don't let our son see you ****ing".

 

I bursted out. Called him on his deceit. Called him a liar and a coward.

 

He basically told me whatever I did, he will never forgive me for that. I was only deluding myself if I thought he ever forgave me.

 

I'm sure some will find his behavior above perfectly acceptable.

 

I am not one of those people.

 

I'm so sorry he chose to be classless and cruel.

[elaine567]

Oh my God! Cant just believed this happened. I really did not know he bore so much hatred towards me!

 

Had a huge row with him on the phone.

 

He called to let me know that he will not be able to see our son this weekend. Because tomorrow (Friday) he is going away for the weekend to Amsterdam with his mates. So he wanted to let me personally know that he might hook up with some one there. So I was also free to engage with someone "if I haven't already and don't let our son see you ****ing".

 

I bursted out. Called him on his deceit. Called him a liar and a coward.

 

He basically told me whatever I did, he will never forgive me for that. I was only deluding myself if I thought he ever forgave me.

 

Make sure you have your ducks in a row legally and financially for you and your son and do not engage in this sort of bitter wrangling, as it is not good for your well being.

His goal may now be to gain full custody and is trying to make you appear crazy, so DO NOT rise to the bait, whatever he does or says.

Make a log of your dealings with him and record him on your phone, if he is abusive towards you, and keep all texts and emails. YOU may need to defend yourself in court.

Forget all about "love" and duty here, and realise you are in a fight now and get your head round that.

YOU do not want to lose your son too.

[Clay]

Oh my God! Cant just believed this happened. I really did not know he bore so much hatred towards me!

 

Had a huge row with him on the phone.

 

He called to let me know that he will not be able to see our son this weekend. Because tomorrow (Friday) he is going away for the weekend to Amsterdam with his mates. So he wanted to let me personally know that he might hook up with some one there. So I was also free to engage with someone "if I haven't already and don't let our son see you ****ing".

 

I bursted out. Called him on his deceit. Called him a liar and a coward.

 

He basically told me whatever I did, he will never forgive me for that. I was only deluding myself if I thought he ever forgave me.

 

He sounds like he is really hurting right now. I would just ignore anything he says and just move on. I know others said he had a girlfriend lined up but it sure doesn't look that way now. Just take care of yourself and your son and focus on moving forward with the divorce. If he calls back just tell him unless he is willing to be decent to you over the phone then only call about your son and the divorce.

 

Its time to take care of you. He is clearly moving on.

 

Go talk to a lawyer and start working things out.

[goodyblue]

it's nice to see we are, for the most part, back to helping the OP instead of preaching about what has been done.

 

as for the $5,000 offer: i suggest to start, message #1009 in the thread: Wife of 31 years by Very Broken Man. Especially the part on failure.

 

as for the OP: i offer the following:

 

visit an attorney, they will give you your rights and obligations as well as what to expect.

 

continue or restart IC, they will help guide you on moving forward. also use as a resource in handling your son.

 

do a search on this board for 180.

 

reconnect with friends and family. you have to reach out. the more you do the more response you will get. especially M couples tend to shy away from those in D because they either are afraid of their relationship or are uncertain 'what to do'.

 

be strong for your son. hell tell him you f'd up (you will know when). i think one of the biggest disservices we do to our children is 'hide stuff' to protect them. failure is part of life, bad choices are part of life AND recovery is part of life. show them ALL three and they will be better for it.

 

get involved. go to your son's soccer games or whatever. they are great way to meet people: you already have two things in common --- child and sport.

 

forgive yourself. we all make mistakes. those that embrace them and use them to learn from will make a better mate for the next relationship. dwell too long/forever and you will taint your next one.

 

good luck.

 

Peso left are most certainly in control f their own happiness. It is a choice.

 

OP the 180 should certainly be your next move. Hang in there.

[beach]

Oh wow, he finally gives you his honesty about how he feels and you call him a liar and a coward?

 

He's telling you how he feels. Take that as info you said you needed. Best case to hope Doris that you two can be on decent terms moving forward - for your child's sake.

 

Accept that it's ending... And do your best to be reasonable with the man you'll be tied to forever.

 

Get counseling if you need to... It may help you to process that he just can't forgive what he tried to forgive.

 

Some people try to forgive but they just can't get there.

[elaine567]

I know others said he had a girlfriend lined up but it sure doesn't look that way now.

 

This doesn't negate the presence of the gf, plenty guys in England go on lad's weekends and stag weekends to Amsterdam, who have gfs and wives.

 

I guess he is not going to tell the OP about a gf just now anyway, is he?

[RightThere]

Oh my God! Cant just believed this happened. I really did not know he bore so much hatred towards me!

 

Had a huge row with him on the phone.

 

He called to let me know that he will not be able to see our son this weekend. Because tomorrow (Friday) he is going away for the weekend to Amsterdam with his mates. So he wanted to let me personally know that he might hook up with some one there. So I was also free to engage with someone "if I haven't already and don't let our son see you ****ing".

 

I bursted out. Called him on his deceit. Called him a liar and a coward.

 

He basically told me whatever I did, he will never forgive me for that. I was only deluding myself if I thought he ever forgave me.

 

Yeah, he definitely has some unresolved issues towards your affair. Instead of dealing with them in an adult way, he's going to do a bit of self destructive behaviour.

 

No disrespect, but sound familiar?

 

Bottom line is he wants to leave you so you need to let him. Just be proud of the personal growth you've done since your affair.

[sandylee1]

Oh my God! Cant just believed this happened. I really did not know he bore so much hatred towards me!

 

Had a huge row with him on the phone.

 

He called to let me know that he will not be able to see our son this weekend. Because tomorrow (Friday) he is going away for the weekend to Amsterdam with his mates. So he wanted to let me personally know that he might hook up with some one there. So I was also free to engage with someone "if I haven't already and don't let our son see you ****ing".

 

I bursted out. Called him on his deceit. Called him a liar and a coward.

 

He basically told me whatever I did, he will never forgive me for that. I was only deluding myself if I thought he ever forgave me.

 

 

 

Oh dear...........just take a deep breath......You'll be fine. He really didn't need to say that. He should have just left it at I'm off to Amsterdam. No need for anything else.

 

Just don't lash back out of anger or you might say something you regret and he'll use that against you.

 

I say this because a WW in an argument with her BH said "6 years of no satisfaction from you, what did you expect", in reference to the sex. Of course those words are forever on his mind.....but he's still with her.........for now......he tries to block the words out but he can't .........I'm sure he'll just up and off one day.

 

I know it's hard......but just don't argue with him. .....if he starts getting rude.......just hang up.

 

Do you have family around to support you?

[WasOtherWoman]

Agree here- and that goes all ways- people that stay married after an affair, those that leave- sometimes its their wife they can not live without, sometimes its the OW or in this case a new GF- point being- eventually most people end up right where they truly want to be and there is not a whole lot others can do about it-

 

Absolutely... People are always where they really want to be. There's no forcing...

[Clay]

This doesn't negate the presence of the gf, plenty guys in England go on lad's weekends and stag weekends to Amsterdam, who have gfs and wives.

 

I guess he is not going to tell the OP about a gf just now anyway, is he?

 

I am just not for making assumptions. There is little evidence to support anyone stating he had a new girlfriend. There is plenty of evidence to support he is not only still hurt he believes she is still cheating on him.

 

Its like I said before there is a good possibility that she is doing things that she is not saying. Now its up to you what you believe but for me. I just do my best to go off the information I have been given.

 

She is best at this point to focus on what she knows instead of speculating on what she doesn't know and base her new decisions on those speculations.

 

On the bright side of this at least he is talking to her even if it is hurtful for now. That is a start for them. Give him a few weeks he will more than likely calm down and she will be able to talk to him more and deal with this.

 

I still think its best they divorce. If she is being honest about her really trying and he wasn't she probably should have left him along time ago as well.

 

Clay

[Mrin]

Oh my God! Cant just believed this happened. I really did not know he bore so much hatred towards me!

 

Had a huge row with him on the phone.

 

He called to let me know that he will not be able to see our son this weekend. Because tomorrow (Friday) he is going away for the weekend to Amsterdam with his mates. So he wanted to let me personally know that he might hook up with some one there. So I was also free to engage with someone "if I haven't already and don't let our son see you ****ing".

 

I bursted out. Called him on his deceit. Called him a liar and a coward.

 

He basically told me whatever I did, he will never forgive me for that. I was only deluding myself if I thought he ever forgave me.

 

That's some serious hate. I'm inclined to think that there must have been some external trigger. I doubt it was an affair on his part that could trigger this much hate. It is something else. I also very much doubt he could have functioned for 8 years as a spouse sitting on that much emotion. I guess it could have been buried in his subconscious but something tapped into it.

 

Other ideas:

 

• Midlife crisis? I could see that as a way of triggering this upwelling of hatred
  
• A new friend could also have uncorked this emotion. Or even and old friend going through a betrayal
  
• Does he or his family have any history of mental illness?
  

 

Regardless of the reason - something has definitely triggered this. Not much you can do. I agree with the other posters in saying that you need to move into protective mode. Protect yourself. Protect your son. You can't just hang out vulnerable and accept broadside after broadside from him - even though there is a disturbing attractiveness to that idea as a way of accepting final punishment and judgement. It is a guilt thing.

 

Hang in there OP. Do a 180. Accept that it is over and start building your future life.

[WasOtherWoman]

Something.changed

 

It just did... Girlfriend, new evidence , whatever. But something changed

[daisygirl19]

I agree - something is off here. I find it hard to believe that he spent 8 years rebuilding the marriage, leading you to assume it was "repaired", then woke up one day and decided he was leaving, after getting all of his ducks in a row. If his primary reason for staying all those years was your son, I would think that would remain his top priority right now more than ever. Spending time with your son should be his focus, not jetting off to another country for a weekend getaway and cruelly telling you he may be hooking up while away. That's just mean. Then again, if the A was swept under the rug, never dealt with, etc., I guess he could just blow one day without warning. Still, something just isn't adding up for me.

 

Either way, the reality is, it is out of your control. You can only focus on yourself and your son and being the best person you can be right now. Try to stay strong. You will get through this, hard as it may seem right now.

[remorseful_tab]

 

Other ideas:

 

• Midlife crisis? I could see that as a way of triggering this upwelling of hatred
  
• A new friend could also have uncorked this emotion. Or even and old friend going through a betrayal
  
• Does he or his family have any history of mental illness?
  

 

 

Neither his family nor he has any mental illness. He wouldn't have survived and thrived in the profession he is in of he had one.

 

Midlife crisis? Who knows. He is still pretty young, 37, and good looking in good shape. I am actually older than him, 39. So its also not likely I think.

 

I know his friends. None of them are currently going through any divorce.

 

I think you guys are maybe right. He may be seeing someone else. And this Amsterdam trip might be with her. He did not say which mates he was going with.

 

Lots of things coming to my mind. I am getting puzzled. I guess my H has pulled on me what I pulled on him all those years ago. He couldn't see it then just as I couldn't see it coming now.

[remorseful_tab]

Is he celebrating finally taking his revenge on me with this trip?

[WasOtherWoman]

Is he celebrating finally taking his revenge on me with this trip?

 

Based on your phone call that is a distinct possibility, unfortunately.

 

When my husband left his then- wife many years after she had been unfaithful he didn't do anything like the phone call you experienced. Maybe he has a new girl, but that alone would probably not make him lash out like that.

 

There anyway that he could have gotten some new information about your affair ? SOMETHING Made him snap all of a sudden. Just Having a new girlfriend probably not Make him act like this , I don't think .

Edited July 16, 2015 by WasOtherWoman
Excuse the above, i'm doing this from my iPad . I really do not like typing on this thing

[remorseful_tab]

Actually he was quite sober and polite when he told me his plan to go away for the weekend. Polite also when he told me not to **** in front of our son.

 

It was me who first lashed out. Even then he was cool and did not raise his voice much.

[autumnnight]

Sadly, rt, the fact is that many people have the view that once female A has cheated, nothing male B does warrants scolding or concern.

[WasOtherWoman]

Hm.... Sorry it sounded like he was quite upset and excited , thank you for clarifying .

 

My husband was also very monotone and matter-of-fact When he spoke to or about his soon to be XW. He never really displayed any emotion at all.

 

It honestly sounds like he just wants to move on for whatever reason, I'm sorry ...

[elaine567]

 

There anyway that he could have gotten some new information about your affair ? SOMETHING Made him snap all of a sudden. Just Having a new girlfriend probably not Make him act like this , I don't think .

 

A man without options or a better offer, is going to stay where he is, especially when he has a son.

 

Give him a option, the promise of a new life with I guess a new woman, he then has the option to go, and it is a good option.

I do not think this gf is new, I guess the option of a new life with her has presented itself and he has grabbed it.

 

It could I suppose be a new job, a promotion, an opportunity to travel, a love interest he feels he should pursue, some money coming his way, whatever it is, I very much doubt his leaving has much in reality to do with the affair per se, that is the excuse.

Whilst on the way out, he took the opportunity to settle an old score too.

[RightThere]

Actually he was quite sober and polite when he told me his plan to go away for the weekend. Polite also when he told me not to **** in front of our son.

 

It was me who first lashed out. Even then he was cool and did not raise his voice much.

 

It's not being polite. It's being passive aggressive.

 

Take it from a self proclaimed expert on the matter. He's doing it to be very mean and controlling.

[Clay]

Based on your phone call that is a distinct possibility, unfortunately.

 

When my husband left his then- wife many years after she had been unfaithful he didn't do anything like the phone call you experienced. Maybe he has a new girl, but that alone would probably not make him lash out like that.

 

There anyway that he could have gotten some new information about your affair ? SOMETHING Made him snap all of a sudden. Just Having a new girlfriend probably not Make him act like this , I don't think .

 

This is exactly why im just not inclined to believe he planned this or he already has someone on the side. It sounds like something else has happened and its in some relation to the past affair of if he believes she still is cheating on him. The fact he did not get help during this time probably drives a lot of his resentment. That part I believe is on him. The affair is on her. Your probably going to never know unless he directly throws it in her face and she post info about it here.

 

I doubt a year and four month affair ended in a single day let alone a week. He probably found info that she still communicated with the OM if for nothing else than to just catch up with him.

 

I think she just needs to ignore him and give him some space. If she is done then she should file and just quit talking to him about anything else other than her son and the divorce.

 

Clay