understand50 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Actually he was quite sober and polite when he told me his plan to go away for the weekend. Polite also when he told me not to **** in front of our son. It was me who first lashed out. Even then he was cool and did not raise his voice much. Even worse, he is being cold blooded about hurting you. Do not see any justification for this. Please take action to protect yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Even worse, he is being cold blooded about hurting you. Do not see any justification for this. Please take action to protect yourself. I don't think he is trying to hurt her, I think he is just done. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Actually he was quite sober and polite when he told me his plan to go away for the weekend. Polite also when he told me not to **** in front of our son. It was me who first lashed out. Even then he was cool and did not raise his voice much. Just hang up next time. Or better still just put your phone on the table and walk away without hanging up. He won't know whether you're still there or not then 5 minutes later he'll have gone. I know he shouldn't have said that, but it's like he built a huge wall around him and emotionally detached for self protection - BSs describe it as just feeling numb. If you lash out, you end up looking like the crazy one. Not that I'm saying he's crazy, he's just hurt and I remember once feeling angry with myself for still feeling hurt over a betrayal. He may need therapy to help him......but that's not your problem. Remember , don't let him wind you up and cause aggro. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) After your DDay, it took you 3 months to come out of the fog. Your husband witnessed this. It took you longer to bond (for you) with your husband. Now it is your second DDay. Give him the same consideration that he gave you. Give him the 3 months "in the fog". Do you really want to wage war? Of course you want to protect yourself and your son but all this speculation of another Woman is just causing your blood to boil. At the end of the day, he is divorcing you and wether there is anyone else is irrelevant. Once he says divorce and moves out, he is free to start his second life as are you. There was no cause to be mean and say what he did. Something triggered this. I am sure you will find out soon enough. You have to control the damage to your family. He did while you were in your fog. This will all pass and you have to be the one who remains calm until he can calm down and you two can work out a amicable seperation. You and your sons immediate future will be determined in the upcoming weeks. DO NOT WAGE WAR. Let him go. Give him what he gave you. Time. Or you can listen to those who speculate that he is cheating, get angry, wage war and burn it all down. Which way will you go? Edited July 16, 2015 by 66Charger 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 As far as I'm concerned she might as well move on and get a date this weekend. I'd bet my last dollar he already has one lined up for the weekend. He probably does. But SHE said she wants HIM, so to that end, the advice stands. Her going on a date will do nothing but prove to him that he needed to leave her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 He probably does. But SHE said she wants HIM, so to that end, the advice stands. Her going on a date will do nothing but prove to him that he needed to leave her. Which also means, just as she's still hoping he will forgive her sleeping with someone else, she may have to forgive his doing the same during separation if she wants to eventually recover her marriage. Ironic... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Is he celebrating finally taking his revenge on me with this trip? It's possible. The only way you'll ever know is by dealing with him respectfully so he feels safe telling you the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Which also means, just as she's still hoping he will forgive her sleeping with someone else, she may have to forgive his doing the same during separation if she wants to eventually recover her marriage. Ironic... Mr. LuckyWell, I've seen it before...some men need to have revenge affairs to feel 'equal' again. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Well, I've seen it before...some men need to have revenge affairs to feel 'equal' again. Yes they do. It is interesting how many people think it is perfectly acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I think this is his way of dealing with the imbalance her infidelity created. If he does go out and bang some strange he's already made his position clear, divorce is ok if that's what you want. He broke up with you before cheating so it won't seem like infidelity to him. I think this is his way of getting balance back, a weekend ONS is not quite the same as falling in love and being with another man for one and a half years. Who knows how he'll be when he comes back. We justify all kinds of behaviours when were hurting. I think he never stopped hurting and the best thing for both of you is independent counselling. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Honestly, with this new information, I think divorce is best. You fell in love with another man, cheated, and it crushed him. That probably explains why he gave up on the marriage. Now he has given you an announcement and within a eek or so decided to go to another country and avail himself of some "strange," snidely offering that you do the same, but not in front of your son. Even though you are still legally married and have barely had time for a separation to even have dry ink, he apparently thinks this is fine. Do YOU really want to be married to a man like that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dental Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Lots of speculation on BH's behavior, the situation of the last 8 years, the state of the marriage, motivations, emotions etcetera. The only info available is from RT. Unfortunately BH is not here to show his side of the story, his motivation, his thoughts. The only thing that is certain and plausible is that the marriage is dead. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 (edited) Well, I've seen it before...some men need to have revenge affairs to feel 'equal' again. This isn't a revenge affair. He's done. Amsterdam has its favourite red light district...just hope he stays safe. He's probably just after fun and now he's finally stopped clutching at the marriage, he feels relieved. ETA - No offence to the OP, but you can see how we're getting more and more detail of the extent of the affair over time. The letter, love for the OM/grieving the end of the A (forced by your H) ,struggling to reconnect with H and the rest, your H must have thought he was your enemy. I just don't know how he got through the days without going crazy. Maybe when you read it all back you perhaps see why he couldn't get over it. No doubt the BH knows a lot more and Edited July 16, 2015 by sandylee1 ETA 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 This isn't a revenge affair. He's done. Amsterdam has its favourite red light district...just hope he stays safe. He's probably just after fun and now he's finally stopped clutching at the marriage, he feels relieved. ETA - No offence to the OP, but you can see how we're getting more and more detail of the extent of the affair over time. The letter, love for the OM/grieving the end of the A (forced by your H) ,struggling to reconnect with H and the rest, your H must have thought he was your enemy. I just don't know how he got through the days without going crazy. Maybe when you read it all back you perhaps see why he couldn't get over it. No doubt the BH knows a lot more and So if I were married, all I would need to do is tell my spouse I was leaving, move out for a few days, and then I could do a prostitute and it isn't cheating? Man, I wish I had known that a few years ago..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 No doubt the BH knows a lot more and ....and there's no turning back. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) So if I were married, all I would need to do is tell my spouse I was leaving, move out for a few days, and then I could do a prostitute and it isn't cheating? Man, I wish I had known that a few years ago..... No its not cheating if you said DIVORCE. And MOVED OUT He is not "just leaving". He is not just moving out "for a few days". This guy is gone and he is very angry Something triggered this guy. Something doesnt add up here. This really sounds like he found something recent and exploded. Edited July 17, 2015 by 66Charger 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 He probably does. But SHE said she wants HIM, so to that end, the advice stands. Her going on a date will do nothing but prove to him that he needed to leave her. He's already reached that point and has already taken definitive action. All in all, men rarely break up with women and husbands file for divorce much less than women. But when they do, they usually mean it and it's usually definitive. He's gone. He's nuked everything from orbit. There's no reason for her to wait around. Any time she spends waiting for him to come back is time wasted. Her affair and her connection to the OM is what proved to him that he needed to leave her regardless if we think he was right or wrong. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Oh my God! Cant just believed this happened. I really did not know he bore so much hatred towards me! Had a huge row with him on the phone. He called to let me know that he will not be able to see our son this weekend. Because tomorrow (Friday) he is going away for the weekend to Amsterdam with his mates. So he wanted to let me personally know that he might hook up with some one there. So I was also free to engage with someone "if I haven't already and don't let our son see you ****ing". I bursted out. Called him on his deceit. Called him a liar and a coward. He basically told me whatever I did, he will never forgive me for that. I was only deluding myself if I thought he ever forgave me. BH could just be going away for a drinking binge with his mates... that's the way we men blow off steam sometimes. The comment about him hooking up could just be a test. Maybe he has someone watching OP to see what she does while he's gone. It could be that her affair went on while he was gone, so he is replaying the script to see how she reacts - what she does. Maybe he has some evidence that she is still seeing her AP. Maybe he just has an intuition she is seeing her AP. So he baits the trap to see what happens. In the end sex may not happen for him - he may be too much of a wreck. He probably just wants to get drunk with his buddies. Just a thought. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 So if I were married, all I would need to do is tell my spouse I was leaving, move out for a few days, and then I could do a prostitute and it isn't cheating? Man, I wish I had known that a few years ago..... You have to put everything into context. The marriage is over as far as he's concerned and if I were the spouse in this position , I would see it as over too. This isn't a case of having a wonderful marriage, with everything being hunky dory , then one day saying your done. People define cheating differently. For some it's porn, going to strip clubs, online chats.....but that wouldn't phase others. The OP was forewarned he might hook up with someone....but if you want to go with adultery on the grounds he's a MM....that definition is factually correct. I just wouldn't feel cheated on if it were me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 I got a call from his parents. They are sad that we are separated and probably getting divorced soon. He told them yesterday. He told them the same reason he told me. They tried to advice him too on not throwing away 13 years of marriage. But he is adamant. So in the end they just told him to think of our son. They said they would stand besides 3 of us and help us with anything. They even invited me and our son for the weekend? Should I go? My family is still not informed about our separation. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMachine67 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I got a call from his parents. They are sad that we are separated and probably getting divorced soon. He told them yesterday. He told them the same reason he told me. They tried to advice him too on not throwing away 13 years of marriage. But he is adamant. So in the end they just told him to think of our son. They said they would stand besides 3 of us and help us with anything. They even invited me and our son for the weekend? Should I go? My family is still not informed about our separation. Whether you remain married to your H or not, your son will always have a relationship with his grand parents. You could be gracious and accept their invitation, though it will probably not help win your H back. If you choose to accept, view it as allowing them to spend time with their grandchild, and a goodwill gesture from you towards them. But if you do not want to go, then you are completely justified declining their offer. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Whether you remain married to your H or not, your son will always have a relationship with his grand parents. You could be gracious and accept their invitation, though it will probably not help win your H back. If you choose to accept, view it as allowing them to spend time with their grandchild, and a goodwill gesture from you towards them. But if you do not want to go, then you are completely justified declining their offer. I agree with the above. If you want to see them and want your son to spend some time with them, that is great. ...but it probably won't change anything and probably won't change his mind his mind at all. The fact that he has informed them of the separation/divorce is also further evidence that his mind is made up. Guys don't tell their parents things like this if they are just contemplating it. They inform them once the process is well under way and it is a for-sure thing. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Ok I need some clarification on something. This "letter" in which Remourseful describes her attraction and feelings for the OM and the lack of connection she was feeling towards her H, was that something he just found recently? Or was it something he found way back around 3day? How long has he known about the letter? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 This really sounds like he found someONE recent and exploded. I completely agree. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 That is a great question Oldshirt. If he recently discovered the letter, all questions are answered. Link to post Share on other sites
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