Did I deserve so much punishment?

[sandylee1]

OP

 

I really don't mean to be hurtful here, but you mention his one sided decision to divorce...........you also made a one sided decision to have an affair.

 

Some things that happen never leave your mind and unfortunately none of us can control our minds and thoughts.

 

I know you feel sad now, but you'll get over it. I think IC will help you get through it and while I don't want to minimise your pain, you'll find that time will heal your pain. Grieve the end of your marriage and move on.

[goodyblue]

I personally don't think you deserve another chance but I think the best thing you can do is just give him the space. If he asks for a divorce give it to him. Don't fight over money. Don't fight over anything. This is the one time you can show true remorse. Its a willingness to truly own your horrible choices and let him go live his life.

 

He will calm down at some point in time and then you both can talk.

 

C

 

Don't fight over money???

 

Do NOT listen to that! You have been reconciled and living as a couple for 8 years!! You have made the best amends you can. Let him go. He will never get over it obviously. You deserve happiness too and staying married to someone who doesn't want you is too much to ask. Life is short, don't waste it. And fight for a fair settlement!! You have as much right to that money as he does. Don't take this'd lying down

 

 

If he was not healing he should have told you. Prepare to live without him and you will be ok.

 

It's it possible he is seeing someone else?

[oldshirt]

Don't fight over money???

 

Do NOT listen to that! You have been reconciled and living as a couple for 8 years!! You have made the best amends you can. Let him go. He will never get over it obviously. You deserve happiness too and staying married to someone who doesn't want you is too much to ask. Life is short, don't waste it. And fight for a fair settlement!! You have as much right to that money as he does. Don't take this'd lying down

 

 

If he was not healing he should have told you. Prepare to live without him and you will be ok.

 

It's it possible he is seeing someone else?

 

 

I don't think Clay meant that should should accept a few breadcrumbs in the settlement and or seek what is rightly due to her.

 

I think he meant to not quibble over stupid stuff just to slow down and hamper the divorce process or make it any more difficult than what it needs to be.

 

If that is what he meant, it is valid advice.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

That's the way the marriage crumbles...

 

Two thoughts:

 

1. Is your husband saying, "it all started with your affair and it went downhill from there" or is it a "I'm sorry, I just can't forgive you. I've been acting like I could but I want a divorce". The reason I ask is that the first is a perfectly legitimate explanation of why he wants a divorce. The marriage was damaged and never fully recovered. The second is BS in my opinion. That's what you say a year or two after an affair. Not 8 years later. After an affair you either reconcile or you don't. But you don't stick around 8 years more grinding that axe. Honestly, to say the latter is sanctimonious BS.

 

You can't read his mind. Your conclusion is dubious. He could have been sincerely trying that whole time. He could have even been lying to himself over that time. In the end, something could have made him realize he just couldn't do it.

 

You're wrong. It's not necessarily BS.

[goodyblue]

I don't think Clay meant that should should accept a few breadcrumbs in the settlement and or seek what is rightly due to her.

 

I think he meant to not quibble over stupid stuff just to slow down and hamper the divorce process or make it any more difficult than what it needs to be.

 

If that is what he meant, it is valid advice.

 

Ah. Gotcha. Definitely valid advice for anyone really if that is what he meant.

[Clay]

Don't fight over money???

 

Do NOT listen to that! You have been reconciled and living as a couple for 8 years!! You have made the best amends you can. Let him go. He will never get over it obviously. You deserve happiness too and staying married to someone who doesn't want you is too much to ask. Life is short, don't waste it. And fight for a fair settlement!! You have as much right to that money as he does. Don't take this'd lying down

 

 

If he was not healing he should have told you. Prepare to live without him and you will be ok.

 

It's it possible he is seeing someone else?

 

Maybe you have never heard of being decent. There are those rare moments where someone can show a act of kindness and not try to rob him blind. I get these days this is how people do it but it doesn't mean she can't just be reasonable about it.

 

I am also in no way saying she should just let him walk away with everything either.

 

C

[sandylee1]

You can't read his mind. Your conclusion is dubious. He could have been sincerely trying that whole time. He could have even been lying to himself over that time. In the end, something could have made him realize he just couldn't do it.

 

You're wrong. It's not necessarily BS.

 

I agree he really could have been genuinely trying, so one can't conclude that it's BS. We're all different when it comes to infidelity. Some won't even consider reconciliation, while others reconcile after their husbands have been with over 200 prostitutes.

 

You can only apologies that your bad choice 8 years ago has caused the death of the marriage.

 

As long as your son has two loving parents, who don't badmouth the other, he'll be fine. Hopefully your husband isn't feeling angry with the passage of time.

[DKT3]

Could you please share what those things your H told you were.

 

It may or may not gives us some more insight that may be able to help.

 

This is the part that caught my attention. If after 8 years he still isn't clear or has questions about the affair then you were never really in R. This comment suggests that it was swept under and the two simply stayed together.

 

It also suggests that the OP didn't do those things within her power to help him heal.

 

While it does take two to make a real go at it, the wayward spouse has to drive the bus. I too understand the husband here. He may have wanted it, but couldn't allow himself to go 100%. I know the feeling. Saying thing to convince yourself, when the desire isn't all there. We are all human, all we can do is the best we can. No amount of wanting it can make the thoughts go away. Trust can grow but never really be rebuilt.

 

Lastly, there is usually a gap in what one will see as "doing everything" and what the spouse will see.

 

We had a poster here that made the comment she was doing everything to make it up to her husband, yet she was still in contact with the AP, still comparing the excitement she shares with the AP vs the boredom with the husband. In her mind she was doing "everything" because she was no longer sleeping with him......AS MUCH.

[goodyblue]

Maybe you have never heard of being decent. There are those rare moments where someone can show a act of kindness and not try to rob him blind. I get these days this is how people do it but it doesn't mean she can't just be reasonable about it.

 

I am also in no way saying she should just let him walk away with everything either.

 

C

 

It should be a fair split. Especially EIGHT YEARS LATER. I think it is his lame excuse to divorce and blame her. If he had stayed a year or two trying to work it out then he could use the affair as a reason but eight years? Not buying it. Even then, if it had been a year or two, still should be equitable.

 

My guy split everything right down the middle, then gave her more like equity in the home, the cars. But, he is the one who is wealthy and his business leaves the marriage with him. She can support herself and be just fine if she works full time so fifty fifty is fair.

[Clay]

It should be a fair split. Especially EIGHT YEARS LATER. I think it is his lame excuse to divorce and blame her. If he had stayed a year or two trying to work it out then he could use the affair as a reason but eight years? Not buying it. Even then, if it had been a year or two, still should be equitable.

 

My split everything right down the middle, then gave her more like equity in the home, the cars. But, he is the one who is wealthy and his business leaves the marriage with him. She can support herself and be just fine if she works full time so fifty fifty is fair.

 

On the money side of things I do agree it should be split 50/50 but you would be just surprised at how many cheaters want more.

 

The part about him leaving over this I disagree with. I was nine years into my marriage when I asked for a divorce. The difference in mine is she continued to cheat through out the ten years. Now I never had facts that it was ever physical aside of once. It just killed me inside that I had to watch her all the time and question everything. She begged for another chance and brought her family into it as well. I spent a week fighting with them all. I ended up giving in. Six months later I caught her cheating again and kicked her out and filed for divorce.

 

The other part of this that makes me think he suffered what I went through is he told her things about the affair she never heard him say before.

 

I know I might be jaded but personally I never think its worth staying with a cheater even if it was just a one time lapse in judgement.

[WasOtherWoman]

After 8 years he has decided he wants out? Either he has decided that your child is old enough to handle a divorce, or he has met someone else.

 

Something has changed.... can you try to figure out what it is?

[goodyblue]

After 8 years he has decided he wants out? Either he has decided that your child is old enough to handle a divorce, or he has met someone else.

 

Something has changed.... can you try to figure out what it is?

 

Exactly!!!!

[66Charger]

Op, you are getting slammed for the affair and some are slamming your husband calling him lame or suggesting he may be having a affair. Lets try to look at this as positively as possible. For 8 years tou showed remorse and worked hard to build a "new" marriage. You havent blameshifted your H and understood the whys. You are unsuccessful, but you tried. Also for 8 years, your H tried to accept, forgive or reconcile. He stayed with you and raised your son. He also has been unsuccessful and it hasn't been a "new" marriage for him. The A is solely on you, but both of you have made the EFFORT to correct the direction of the marriage.

So now what? IMHO you now have to pay the price and accept that while yours and his effort was great, a NEW marriage did not materialize. Thank him for trying and let him go. I am quite sure you have apologized a thousand times, so now it is time for you to accept the situation and either move on or try to make lemonade out of a lemon.

Your goal, IF you desire it, could be to have the NEW marriage with this man. In order to do that you must let this one go. Make sure the divorce is amicable. Let him know you still love him and you still want a NEW marriage.(if thats true) This new marriage must be free from the past or tell him, dont bother. The affair must be forgiven. Most posters will tell you to move on. Perhaps you should. But if you really want a future with your husband, you need to let go of your old one that has not got over the affair and become a new and wiser wife, that has paid the price and redeemed herself. Make lemonade or just divorce and move on.

 

IMHO

[aliveagain]

I am not at all pissed at him. I am begging him to come home (he has moved out) and that I will be moving out and give him the space he needs.

 

I am crying everyday. He is hardly responding to my calls. If I am lucky to get him in call, he makes it clear he wouldn't talk to me anything other than our son. If I say "please", he immediately cuts the ca;;

 

The price I am paying is huge. I have a sad boy in my home who misses daddy terribly but knows that mommy and daddy is not getting back together. He is angry and hardly talking to me.

 

I understand I have to pay the price. But does our son have to too for the horrible mistakes I have made?

 

My heart breaks for your family specially for your innocent son. You really have to look at all the things that have happened since you and your husband married to understand where your husband is coming from today. If marriage and a son wasn't enough to stop you then why are you bringing your son into this now? You had a son when your affair started, you had to make sure he was cared for when you met O/M(please tell me you didn't take him with you when you went on your dates?).

 

One telling sign reading your posts that things were not well between you and your husband is the fact you have no other children. Please forgive me for saying this if it is because of medical reasons, I am just trying give you the prospective of a hurt betrayed spouse and some of their logic. I would never have a child with someone I didn't feel safe with or thought that our relationship might not last. Have you ever fought over the topic of another child with him? As a father my first thoughts after my daughter was born was to have another child so she would always have someone in her life that loved her after her mother and I were gone. If we couldn't be there a brother or sister could. I am so sorry but some of us just can't get over that big a betrayal, I truly believe he tried if he stayed for 8 years.

[oldshirt]

It should be a fair split. Especially EIGHT YEARS LATER. I think it is his lame excuse to divorce and blame her. If he had stayed a year or two trying to work it out then he could use the affair as a reason but eight years? Not buying it. Even then, if it had been a year or two, still should be equitable.

 

My guy split everything right down the middle, then gave her more like equity in the home, the cars. But, he is the one who is wealthy and his business leaves the marriage with him. She can support herself and be just fine if she works full time so fifty fifty is fair.

 

Depending on the courts in their area, the judge will likely split things in half whether they want him to or not.

 

Some people just want out so bad they'll be glad with just walking away with the clothes on their back and ask for nothing more just to get it over with, but the courts will make them take half anyway just so they don't show up at the courthouse a few months later whining.

 

Your dude may have offered more just to get it over with. That was his prerogative. The judge may have went along with it just get them both out of his hair but he wouldn't have accepted a settlement that was too lopsided because if he did, someone would have been whining and filing more papers once the dust settled and they realized they wanted more.

[Diezel]

Punishment is not the correct word to use. That would imply that you are a victim. You aren't.

 

And yes, you deserve the consequences. Your son doesn't. But that's on you. You should have thought about that before "your personality changed".

[Chi townD]

Well, you were in the driver's seat when you decided to cheat. He's now in the driver's seat as to where the marriage goes. What's questioning me is; after 8 years, what set him off to end it so abruptly? What triggered him?

 

 

Well, you don't have control of the situation anymore. So, take control of what you can. And that would be you! Talk to your IC about what's going on and how best to deal with your son. THEN, get your son into counseling as well! And fast! He need to figure out how to deal with the loss of his traditional family.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

When I decided to try R I did so because of our young children. My line of thinking was if/when I were to divorce my WW, I wanted to be able to look at my kids and honestly say that I gave it my best efforts. Maybe your husband has decided that he has given this his best effort and he is ready to move on.

 

Even 8 years after the affair, a BH can still be reminded of the affair on a regular basis. Maybe your BH is tired of constantly reframing his life/wife/marriage, etc.

 

If you two do divorce, you got 8 additional years of marriage that you were not entitled to. That was a huge gift from your husband.

[elaine567]

Punishment is not the correct word to use. That would imply that you are a victim. You aren't.

 

And yes, you deserve the consequences. Your son doesn't. But that's on you. You should have thought about that before "your personality changed".

 

Phew, we get it, you are triggering, but is 8 long years of penance not enough?

Does she have to wear that hairshirt for life?

[autumnnight]

Op, you are getting slammed for the affair and some are slamming your husband calling him lame or suggesting he may be having a affair. Lets try to look at this as positively as possible. For 8 years tou showed remorse and worked hard to build a "new" marriage. You havent blameshifted your H and understood the whys. You are unsuccessful, but you tried. Also for 8 years, your H tried to accept, forgive or reconcile. He stayed with you and raised your son. He also has been unsuccessful and it hasn't been a "new" marriage for him. The A is solely on you, but both of you have made the EFFORT to correct the direction of the marriage.

So now what? IMHO you now have to pay the price and accept that while yours and his effort was great, a NEW marriage did not materialize. Thank him for trying and let him go. I am quite sure you have apologized a thousand times, so now it is time for you to accept the situation and either move on or try to make lemonade out of a lemon.

Your goal, IF you desire it, could be to have the NEW marriage with this man. In order to do that you must let this one go. Make sure the divorce is amicable. Let him know you still love him and you still want a NEW marriage.(if thats true) This new marriage must be free from the past or tell him, dont bother. The affair must be forgiven. Most posters will tell you to move on. Perhaps you should. But if you really want a future with your husband, you need to let go of your old one that has not got over the affair and become a new and wiser wife, that has paid the price and redeemed herself. Make lemonade or just divorce and move on.

 

IMHO

 

This^^^^

 

Our very simplistic and often triggered minds try to make these situation all black on one side and all white on the other. One person iss 100% victim and the other 100% perpetrator.

 

8 years after D-Day, if you have truly worked hard and shown remorse, this is what the above poster expressed. It is two people who have worked very hard to create a new marriage in the wake of betrayal...and for whatever reason, it just hasn't worked.

 

I wouldn't call him lame...but after 8 years, there should be no need for you to keep that scarlet A sewn on.

[goodyblue]

Punishment is not the correct word to use. That would imply that you are a victim. You aren't.

 

And yes, you deserve the consequences. Your son doesn't. But that's on you. You should have thought about that before "your personality changed".

 

Oh my god. Eight years. Lame. She may not have been a victim then, but after giving it her all (if she did) she certainly is one now. BS sounds like a tool to stay and waste 8 years.

[oldshirt]

Oh my god. Eight years. Lame. She may not have been a victim then, but after giving it her all (if she did) she certainly is one now. BS sounds like a tool to stay and waste 8 years.

 

I think that is way too harsh.

 

If the past 8 years have been functional and they worked together as a family unit then that means their child has grown from a 1 year old baby to a 9 year old that is now able to feed himself, dress himself, go to the bathroom himself, get to school himself etc etc.

 

That is not a "waste", That is what is meant when people stay together "for the children." Instead of booting her out with 1 year old baby which would've been his right, he kept the family under the same roof and allowed the child to grow up in a two parent home.

 

That is not being a tool. That is making a very hard decision and sucking up a lot of pride and torment and making a lot of sacrifice for the well being of an innocent baby.

 

Things are fundamentally different now. The child is still legally a minor and still needs two loving, supportive parents, but no longer needs 24/7, 2-parent hands on care for his basic survival needs. He is now old enough to adapt and function in a two-household family instead of a two-parent household.

 

The OP has said nothing about the STBX being abusive, neglectful, poor parent or adulterous himself so we must assume he has been an active and support parent.

 

And since she is adament about wanting them to stay together, we must assume that he has treated her at least fairly and humanely during those 8 years. ....and that was 8 years of a marriage and home and family that she was not entitled to.

 

Your judgement of the BH is out of line. He has endured and sacrificed way more than most men would have. This was not a drunken make out session in the cleaning closet at the office Christmas bash. She carried on a year and a half affair of daily contact with a coworker. That is arguably a whole alternate life under her husband's nose while they had a baby at home.

 

He was well in his right to toss her to the curb. Instead he chose to put his best interests and well being on the back burner untill the child was at an age he wouldn't be harmed by the divorce and then decided it was time to move on with his own life.

 

I think in many ways the BS is to be commended for his compassion and sacrifice.

[oldshirt]

......note: I am assuming at this point that he remained in the marriage and kept the family together for the sake of the child and now that the child is older and better equipped to deal with the divorce and two households, he is simply moving on with his own life.

[goodyblue]

I think that is way too harsh.

 

If the past 8 years have been functional and they worked together as a family unit then that means their child has grown from a 1 year old baby to a 9 year old that is now able to feed himself, dress himself, go to the bathroom himself, get to school himself etc etc.

 

That is not a "waste", That is what is meant when people stay together "for the children." Instead of booting her out with 1 year old baby which would've been his right, he kept the family under the same roof and allowed the child to grow up in a two parent home.

 

That is not being a tool. That is making a very hard decision and sucking up a lot of pride and torment and making a lot of sacrifice for the well being of an innocent baby.

 

Things are fundamentally different now. The child is still legally a minor and still needs two loving, supportive parents, but no longer needs 24/7, 2-parent hands on care for his basic survival needs. He is now old enough to adapt and function in a two-household family instead of a two-parent household.

 

The OP has said nothing about the STBX being abusive, neglectful, poor parent or adulterous himself so we must assume he has been an active and support parent.

 

And since she is adament about wanting them to stay together, we must assume that he has treated her at least fairly and humanely during those 8 years. ....and that was 8 years of a marriage and home and family that she was not entitled to.

 

Your judgement of the BH is out of line. He has endured and sacrificed way more than most men would have. This was not a drunken make out session in the cleaning closet at the office Christmas bash. She carried on a year and a half affair of daily contact with a coworker. That is arguably a whole alternate life under her husband's nose while they had a baby at home.

 

He was well in his right to toss her to the curb. Instead he chose to put his best interests and well being on the back burner untill the child was at an age he wouldn't be harmed by the divorce and then decided it was time to move on with his own life.

 

I think in many ways the BS is to be commended for his compassion and sacrifice.

 

Commend him all you like. He wasted her youth and his. He could have let her find someone else to help her step parent the baby, it is harder for kids to accept step parents as they get older. He didn't do anyone ant favors if she was trying to make it work and he just went through the motions. He could have at least told her he was not open to reconciliation and was staying with her for the kids.

 

If he wants too divorce now that is fine, but he lost the power to use the affair as the reason art about year two. Our how about year five even? Give me a break. His sacrific... yawn.

[oldshirt]

And let's all keep in mind that millions of marriages end around the 10 year mark when the kids are middle school aged all across all cultures and all parts of the globe.

 

This is just a normal time and benchmark for many divorces to occur regardless if there has been past adultry or not.

 

He may be divorcing at this point for a whole host of reasons and some may or may not have a thing to do with her A.

 

He may have found someone else. He may want to look for someone else. He may have simply got tired of having her around. Or he may have realized he simply wasn't going to get past the pain and disgust and disdain he felt for her having the LTA and wanted to leave all that toxin behind in the past.

 

We/she may never know the true reason. My guess is many divorces occur where the dumpee never truly knows the real reason why. And it is probably very very very rare that the dumpee agrees with those reasons even when they do know.