World's.Edge Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Yes you could say I have a lot of animosity and resentment after being in False R for 2 years, it's a little hard to come back from. Most likely I will end up pulling the plug or my WH, either way it was HIS actions that caused the demise of our M. No one's disputing that. Affairs are destructive and that destruction lays at the feet of the adulterer. I know people remain with cheaters for various reasons, but the inclination to do so is foreign to me. Infidelity is f***ed up, no one can blame you for the animosity and resentment you feel. My assertion is that the idea of a trump card shouldn't exist. If someone was serious in their intention to end their marraige due to infidelity there'd be no need for a trump card. Its perceived existence is detrimental to and indicative of a fractured marriage. It has no value other than the conceptual value the betrayed spouse imagines it to have. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Mine is a very long story. I cannot fully verbalize it myself. So I will make it short: I am a former wayward wife. I was 3 yrs married and 1 yr with a newborn son when I met the other man in my new office. The length of the affair was 1 yr 4 month. There is more. Many things happened in between those 8 years in But is there any way I can convince my husband not to divorce me and break up our family? As said before your affair lasted a long time and it happened after being married a short time. Three years is a short time. That affair made your BH doubt that you had any real feelings for him. He stayed married 8 years. So? He stayed married because he did not want to has his son grow up in a broken home. BH did not want to be a PT dad. BH thought maybe with time he would not trigger and move past your affair. There are countless possible reasons why your BH waited to divorce you now. The reason/s don't matter. Whatever the reason he can not leave your affair in the past. As to why did it take 8 years for BH to dump you? It does not matter. Though he is leaving because he can not talk himself into staying any more. Many a BH have waited years before divorcing. All actions have consequences. That said I have to ask you when you were in your affair what did you say to yourself if your BH found out about your affair? How were you going to handle your BH? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 [ That said I have to ask you when you were in your affair what did you say to yourself if your BH found out about your affair? How were you going to handle your BH? QUOTE] This is a completely irrelevant and pointless question 8 years after the fact and since they are divorcing. So basically all other maritalal hurts, rejections, and betrayals Have penance and probation expiration date... Except an affair 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 [ That said I have to ask you when you were in your affair what did you say to yourself if your BH found out about your affair? How were you going to handle your BH? QUOTE] This is a completely irrelevant and pointless question 8 years after the fact and since they are divorcing. So basically all other maritalal hurts, rejections, and betrayals Have penance and probation expiration date... Except an affair The most relevant question for a WW before, during, and after her affair is how is she going to handle the consequences with her BH from having and affair with the OM. She gambled and had an affair. So it hurts to pay up. No one held a gun to her head. No BS must stay married. I am not against recovery. I just know that some BS can not get past an affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 The most relevant question for a WW before, during, and after her affair is how is she going to handle the consequences with her BH from having and affair with the OM. She gambled and had an affair. So it hurts to pay up. No one held a gun to her head. No BS must stay married. I am not against recovery. I just know that some BS can not get past an affair. Which further proves you have not read the thread. It was 8 years ago, her H moved out and is divorcing, and he is now in Amsterdam, where he told her he plans to find some hookers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 It's all just boast and false bravado.. holding a "trump card" that will never be in play. Yes, many say that the cheater is conflict-avoidant but so are many BSs, they quietly stew and seethe or even rant and rave, but they never grasp the nettle and tackle the issue head on. Their safety net and ultimate threat is a mythical trump card that might as well be lost down the back of the sofa, because it will never seriously be played. It is meant merely to be held over the head of the WS, but many WSs have tested out that threat, found it wanting and happily carried on with the rest of their lives, regardless. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I feel like once infidelity strikes a marriage both hold the "trump" card- never thought divorce would be something we would even consider much less verbalize- I now know its a possibility- from either of us- we each have reason to throw the towel in- not just me as the BS, both of us- I have no more power to end it than he does- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 OP, How are you doing today? C Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Which further proves you have not read the thread. It was 8 years ago, her H moved out and is divorcing, and he is now in Amsterdam, where he told her he plans to find some hookers. I have read and followed this thread and pretty much have the same take on it. It doesn't matter how much time has passed - the BH may feel that the child is of age so that divorce will not be as hard on him. He walked out and told her of his intention to divorce. No chance for reconciliation - his suffering about her cheating is coming to an end. With no pretense of continuing any kind of relationship with OP, he is going to live like a single man. When both parties know that the separation is simply killing time until the legal system confirms their divorce, dating & sex with other people is to be expected. At that point it's over and each party should move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I have read and followed this thread and pretty much have the same take on it. It doesn't matter how much time has passed - the BH may feel that the child is of age so that divorce will not be as hard on him. He walked out and told her of his intention to divorce. No chance for reconciliation - his suffering about her cheating is coming to an end. With no pretense of continuing any kind of relationship with OP, he is going to live like a single man. When both parties know that the separation is simply killing time until the legal system confirms their divorce, dating & sex with other people is to be expected. At that point it's over and each party should move on. That wasn't my point. My point is that asking her how she will deal with the consequences when her BH finds out (when he found out 8 years ago) is moot and demonstrates that the thread has not even been read. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sastrugi Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 That wasn't my point. My point is that asking her how she will deal with the consequences when her BH finds out (when he found out 8 years ago) is moot and demonstrates that the thread has not even been read. I thought Drifter was asking - Did she think of the consequences during her affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I thought Drifter was asking - Did she think of the consequences during her affair. I all confused now. It's to close to the weekend and my brain is fried. Remorseful, are you taking care of yourself day to day? Sometimes we let stuff like that slide during crises, and things like rest, eating right, connecting with supportive people, are all important. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I thought Drifter was asking - Did she think of the consequences during her affair. Yes it seems that during her affair the OP did not care about consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Yes it seems that during her affair the OP did not care about consequences. Right..8 years ago prior to DDay she did not care. Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Right..8 years ago prior to DDay she did not care. There is nothing to be gained by kicking the OP while she is down. She isn't a WS anymore and these posts are irrelevant. Autumn has it right. They are talking to her and about her like DDay was yesterday or she is in an active affair. No point except some sick satisfaction. Or not reading her post thoroughly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Remorseful You should NOT be kicked around but neither should your husband . There is no statute of limitations on infidelity, one of the things that makes it so devastating. If you are person who believes that there are "different" kinds of infidelity and that there is actually a difference between what you did and a ONS , then you just have to accept it turned out to be a deal breaker . It is unfortunate that your affair was what is the worst kind for a man to get over Long Term meaning lots of lying and deceit consciously done , and then TT and resistance to stopping on your part , which in many times does more damage than the sex. You need to try to heal yourself and move on . Assigning any more blame does no good 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 My guess is he choose to stay because he didn't have the courage to leave then. Like it has already been said, something outiside the marriage must be engouraging him to divorce now. remorseful_tab, I hope you can make a positive out of this. Don't see this as a punishment, because that establishes you as a victim. Don't be a victim, be a fighter. Do it for your child. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 They are talking to her and about her like DDay was yesterday. Or not reading her post thoroughly. Or not believing her story is complete. HIS reactions are as if DDay was yesterday. Resignation that he can't get over it after 8 years is understandable. The Anger just doesn't fit. This is where the disconnect is between the "for" and "against" She still deserved the divorce, especially for the pining, but if there was no trigger, no true reconciliation attempt and he always knew he was biding his time, he was also dishonest. She didn't deserve that. Anyone can speculate on a one sided story. That is LS. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 My guess is he choose to stay because he didn't have the courage to leave then. Like it has already been said, something outside the marriage must be encouraging him to divorce now. remorseful_tab, I hope you can make a positive out of this. Don't see this as a punishment, because that establishes you as a victim. Don't be a victim, be a fighter. Do it for your child. someone might be poisoning your husbands mind. this new job/new office. whats the demographic? maybe a lot of divorced people coaching him. devil might be singing "she had her fun, why don't you have fun to?". my stupid advice do not follow;have you tried opening the marriage, or give him a free pass. tell him he can sleep with other women but to come home for the sake of his son. tell him his son is crying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted July 25, 2015 Author Share Posted July 25, 2015 Sorry I couldn't reply earlier. I was desperate to see him. So I planned a meeting with him. I carried my son's luggage bag myself and reached school before him. When he came to take our son, I was there with him. He wasn't very pleased to see me. (His expression told me that). I asked him can we talk? He paused and asked our son to go sit in the car. I asked him how was he, how his trip to Amsterdam. All his answers were "Good". (He didn't even ask me how I had been). I almost wanted to cry and grovel at his feet. I remembered how I was cold to him during my affair and how I used to give him short curt answers like this. I knew it hurt him. But never felt this hurt and coldness before myself. He was clearly paying me back in the same coin. Finally I cried in front of him. Instead of comforting me, he just said softly "Dont create a scene here". I just asked him "Please can you atleast take some time before the divorce? Can you atleast talk to me? Just come to MC, you choose it. 3 sessions. Not more. Atleast let me hear what you have to say. After that if you still want divorce, then we can do that" (As advised by someone here) He said "I have already said what I want to say. Its over" I just couldn't help so I asked "Do you have somebody?" My God! The anger in his eyes at the question. He looked at me intensely for some seconds, the quickly started walking to his car. Hi didn't even say a "No". Does that mean he has someone? Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 There is nothing to be gained by kicking the OP while she is down. She isn't a WS anymore and these posts are irrelevant. Autumn has it right. They are talking to her and about her like DDay was yesterday or she is in an active affair. No point except some sick satisfaction. Or not reading her post thoroughly. My point in that post was to let the late to the party poster know hashing out 8 year old info is moot. Try reading posts collectively instead of knee jerking to one sentence. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Sorry I couldn't reply earlier. I was desperate to see him. So I planned a meeting with him. I carried my son's luggage bag myself and reached school before him. When he came to take our son, I was there with him. He wasn't very pleased to see me. (His expression told me that). I asked him can we talk? He paused and asked our son to go sit in the car. I asked him how was he, how his trip to Amsterdam. All his answers were "Good". (He didn't even ask me how I had been). I almost wanted to cry and grovel at his feet. I remembered how I was cold to him during my affair and how I used to give him short curt answers like this. I knew it hurt him. But never felt this hurt and coldness before myself. He was clearly paying me back in the same coin. Finally I cried in front of him. Instead of comforting me, he just said softly "Dont create a scene here". I just asked him "Please can you atleast take some time before the divorce? Can you atleast talk to me? Just come to MC, you choose it. 3 sessions. Not more. Atleast let me hear what you have to say. After that if you still want divorce, then we can do that" (As advised by someone here) He said "I have already said what I want to say. Its over" I just couldn't help so I asked "Do you have somebody?" My God! The anger in his eyes at the question. He looked at me intensely for some seconds, the quickly started walking to his car. Hi didn't even say a "No". Does that mean he has someone? What do you believe? In my opinion, the way you describe his reaction I would say their is nobody and he was disgusted with the question. Yet you know him, so what do you think? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 My point in that post was to let the late to the party poster know hashing out 8 year old info is moot. Try reading posts collectively instead of knee jerking to one sentence. It's okay, Autumn, I was agreeing with you and requoting your post for emphasis. Which is why I said you have it right... Maybe try reading my whole post instead of just a knee jerk reaction over one sentence. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 My God! The anger in his eyes at the question. He looked at me intensely for some seconds, the quickly started walking to his car. Hi didn't even say a "No". Does that mean he has someone? I'd guess it means, for a lot of reasons, he doesn't feel he owes you an answer. He really does seem checked out and feeling justified in his positions and actions. Even if - and maybe especially if - you're still hoping for reconciliation, I'd quit bringing it up. Not helping the cause... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 He said "I have already said what I want to say. Its over" I just couldn't help so I asked "Do you have somebody?" My God! The anger in his eyes at the question. He looked at me intensely for some seconds, the quickly started walking to his car. Hi didn't even say a "No". Does that mean he has someone? The last thing on his mind right now is being in a relationship. Right now he doesn't trust women at all. His anger is because you were the one to betray him with someone else. He's thinking what right do you have to ask me if I'm with someone when you have already been with someone Link to post Share on other sites
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