Did I deserve so much punishment?

[Spectre]

The fact is he doesn't owe you an answer and you had zero right to ask. Even if he did have someone, so? He has every right. Remember, you chose to have an affair. So I apologize if anyone has been harsh to you in this thread, but we are 37 pages in and the answer to your question posed in the title is still "yes".

 

So my advice is..take some time to reflect on yourself and then just try to move on and be there for your son.

 

Also, no offense to you, but your latest post is an example of why some people might be harsh. Lines like:

 

Finally I cried in front of him. Instead of comforting me, he just said softly "Dont create a scene here".

 

Are pretty shocking to read, with the whole "instead of comforting me" bit. It is attitudes like that which can cause people to react..negatively.

Edited July 25, 2015 by Spectre

[elaine567]

I think the time for this anger was eight years ago and while I may get 8 years of continuous anger, I do not get 8 years of reconciling, acting normally, sleeping in the same bed etc.

 

Then, sudden hate, anger and tremendous coldness out of the blue.

I even get the "OK, time for a divorce" - but this overt hatred of the OP now, after 8 long years...?

 

I still guess there is a woman behind all this, stoking the fire and keeping him focussed, and I guess he is now projecting too.

"I hate and despise cheaters, because now I am also cheating and I cannot hate myself."

[understand50]

Sorry I couldn't reply earlier.

 

I was desperate to see him. So I planned a meeting with him. I carried my son's luggage bag myself and reached school before him. When he came to take our son, I was there with him. He wasn't very pleased to see me. (His expression told me that).

I asked him can we talk? He paused and asked our son to go sit in the car. I asked him how was he, how his trip to Amsterdam. All his answers were "Good". (He didn't even ask me how I had been).

I almost wanted to cry and grovel at his feet.

 

I remembered how I was cold to him during my affair and how I used to give him short curt answers like this. I knew it hurt him. But never felt this hurt and coldness before myself.

He was clearly paying me back in the same coin.

 

Finally I cried in front of him. Instead of comforting me, he just said softly "Dont create a scene here".

 

I just asked him "Please can you atleast take some time before the divorce? Can you atleast talk to me? Just come to MC, you choose it. 3 sessions. Not more. Atleast let me hear what you have to say. After that if you still want divorce, then we can do that" (As advised by someone here)

 

He said "I have already said what I want to say. Its over"

 

I just couldn't help so I asked "Do you have somebody?"

 

My God! The anger in his eyes at the question. He looked at me intensely for some seconds, the quickly started walking to his car. Hi didn't even say a "No". Does that mean he has someone?

 

remorseful,

 

I posted several time on this tread, and I have always suggested that you prepare for a divorce, and that work on protecting yourself, and your son, and that you work on being the best Mom to him.

 

I understand the need to try and get answers from him, but at this time he is not going to give them to you. He is angry, and is going out of the way to punish you, and because he is in between, his son. You must try and shield your son from this if you can.

 

Take action, Have you gone to the lawyer yet? Are you in some type of IC? Are you taking care of yourself? This is important. This will give you back some control in your life.

 

Maybe, and the chance is slim, your Husband will work this out and give you a 2nd chance, but you should not count on it. Take him at his word. He is going to have to work trough this without you. He is leaving you. Try and make this a easy as you can for your child, but also do not role over for him.

 

In any case, you share a child, so you will be in each other life. Maybe someday, he can forgive you, as he does not now. Why this has come about, only he knows, and maybe he does not really know himself. If there is someone else, you will know soon enough.

 

Be strong, be brave, and face what is happening. In the end this is really the only thing you can do.

 

I wish you luck, and the best outcome that can be had from all of this.

Edited July 25, 2015 by understand50
Spelling....

[autumnnight]

It's okay, Autumn, I was agreeing with you and requoting your post for emphasis. Which is why I said you have it right... Maybe try reading my whole post instead of just a knee jerk reaction over one sentence.

 

You're right. I apologize.

 

Remorseful, do you have people in your life who can help hold you up right now.

[autumnnight]

The fact is he doesn't owe you an answer and you had zero right to ask. Even if he did have someone, so? He has every right. Remember, you chose to have an affair. So I apologize if anyone has been harsh to you in this thread, but we are 37 pages in and the answer to your question posed in the title is still "yes".

 

So my advice is..take some time to reflect on yourself and then just try to move on and be there for your son.

 

Also, no offense to you, but your latest post is an example of why some people might be harsh. Lines like:

 

 

 

Are pretty shocking to read, with the whole "instead of comforting me" bit. It is attitudes like that which can cause people to react..negatively.

 

Trust me, plenty of people have given her...I'm...tough love in your absence.

[sandylee1]

 

(He didn't even ask me how I had been).

 

 

I remembered how I was cold to him during my affair and how I used to give him short curt answers like this. I knew it hurt him. But never felt this hurt and coldness before myself.

 

 

Instead of comforting me, he just said softly "Dont create a scene here".

 

He said "I have already said what I want to say. Its over"

 

I just couldn't help so I asked "Do you have somebody?"

 

My God! The anger in his eyes at the question. He looked at me intensely for some seconds, the quickly started walking to his car. Hi didn't even say a "No". Does that mean he has someone?

 

RT,

 

Because you're desperate for hope, you took the advice of one poster, after everyone else told you he was done. At least you have your answer now. If you didn't ask, you might have always wondered.

 

So much in your post is about YOU.

 

You want him to ask how YOU are.

 

You want him to comfort YOU, despite how YOU treated him with short curt responses, that you knew hurt him.

 

You go to the school and start crying......this was not the place for that at all and whilst it was desperation, he'll just see that as being manipulative and trying to make him feel guilty.

 

With each post of yours , it's so very clear why he's done. This isn't to be unkind, but in addition to having an affair so early in the marriage :

 

- you treated him horribly during the affair

- you pined for your lover after the affair

- you emasculated him in the letter you wrote

 

Unfortunately , time doesn't heal for everyone. You still have time and are young enough to start over. It's no good for you to be with a man who can't get past your infidelity. Even if he's forgiven you and still loves you, he doesn't want to with you. People actuality still divorce a husband or wife they love, because they can't get over it.

 

Hopefully, you now have closure and can grieve the end of your marriage, accept his decision, respect his reasons and try to coparent well. Don't let your son pick up on any animosity between you and don't let your son believe this was your husband's fault. Do make it clear to him, that it's grown up stuff and it's not daddy's fault.

 

You can't erase the past, you can only only deal with the present and the future.

[road]

Not hating on the OP. Just pointing out that she should not be surprised that her BH 8 years after an affair decides he can't recover the marriage and wants a divorce for he is not the first BH to do this. It happens too often, sadly.

 

 

This is the consequence. Not everyone gets caught. Those that do then have to face the consequences of their choices.

 

 

Asking her what was her mindset back then is for her to face up to that. She justified her affair back then.

 

 

OP, I wish I could offer a plan to save your marriage. If you have been a model wife since D day you can do no more. Though some couples have remarried after their divorce.

 

 

So keep showing your husband that you are still not the WW you were, be a great mom, maybe BH in time will come around.

[sandylee1]

 

So keep showing your husband that you are still not the WW you were, be a great mom, maybe BH in time will come around.

 

Don't hold onto false hope RT. You need to move on with your life. Being a great mom is expected.

[Spectre]

I think the time for this anger was eight years ago and while I may get 8 years of continuous anger, I do not get 8 years of reconciling, acting normally, sleeping in the same bed etc.

 

Maybe you do not get it, but everyone reacts to trauma differently.

 

Then, sudden hate, anger and tremendous coldness out of the blue.

I even get the "OK, time for a divorce" - but this overt hatred of the OP now, after 8 long years...?

 

I highly doubt he truly hates her, he is just hurting.

 

I still guess there is a woman behind all this, stoking the fire and keeping him focussed, and I guess he is now projecting too.

"I hate and despise cheaters, because now I am also cheating and I cannot hate myself."

 

It could be he does have a woman. However, I just want to point out that it seems like some people here almost *want* it to be another woman so they can say "hey look he cheated too" as if that would balance things out or something. In his mind the marriage is already over, he has told the OP that.

[LifesontheUp]

I remembered how I was cold to him during my affair and how I used to give him short curt answers like this. I knew it hurt him. But never felt this hurt and coldness before myself.

He was clearly paying me back in the same coin.

 

He said "I have already said what I want to say. Its over"

 

Remorseful, I think you will look back in time and see that the "writing was on the wall for your marriage".

 

I say this because from the above it is clear your husband has disconnected from you, but you do not see it clearly yet.

 

I do not believe he is paying you back, it is how he feels. He no longer sees himself married to you and is doing what he needs to do.

 

I say that not to be harsh, but in the hope that in time you will come to understand that it is better for you and him that this happens. You will get through this, both of you. I just hope that you can both co parent in a good and positive way for your childs sake.

 

I divorced my xH because I knew that I could never forget what he did to me after 18 yrs of marriage and I just didn't want to live with him any longer. It took me 6 months to get to that decision, but I know of people that have taken a lot longer.

[beatcuff]

He said "I have already said what I want to say. Its over"

 

I just couldn't help so I asked "Do you have somebody?"

 

My God! The anger in his eyes at the question. He looked at me intensely for some seconds, the quickly started walking to his car. Hi didn't even say a "No". Does that mean he has someone?

 

OP, it is obvious by his refusal to respond and/or avoidance that he does have a GF. this has NOTHING to do with your A. sorry can't come back years later and declare 'remember when'. he lied to you for years. and he is now: withholding information is the same as lying.

 

it is time to 'grow a pair'. he will continue this game until you stop it. get an attorney (UK equivalent). do NOT get a 'paper pusher' (lets fill out the papers) get a 'bulldog'. i know some in my area (which does not help you) but they will have him begging for it stop.

 

have you started that 'other thread'!!!

[Spectre]

Oh and just pointing out if he does have a gf? Probably would of never happened if the OP had not had an affair. But either way: people please stop blaming the husband. He did absolutely nothing wrong. Even if he has a girl...it means once he found someone he actually ended things with his wife. If only he had been paid the same courtesy.

 

OP, it is obvious by his refusal to respond and/or avoidance that he does have a GF. this has NOTHING to do with your A. sorry can't come back years later and declare 'remember when'. he lied to you for years. and he is now: withholding information is the same as lying.

 

it is time to 'grow a pair'. he will continue this game until you stop it. get an attorney (UK equivalent). do NOT get a 'paper pusher' (lets fill out the papers) get a 'bulldog'. i know some in my area (which does not help you) but they will have him begging for it stop.

 

have you started that 'other thread'!!!

 

So the OP acts selfishly and all you get out of the exchange is "he must be lying, he must have a gf". No remarks on the other red flags in the post? The husband needs to grow a pair, but the wife who ambushes him without his knowledge, gets upset when he doesn't comfort her for crying, etc. is just..well, that is all kosher?

 

This is a typical response, but once again to reiterate: if the husband has someone it does not balance the scales or absolve the OP of anything. From his dramatic change in behavior it seems like if he does have a gf? He actually got rid of his wife once he met her. So kudos to him for that, because he could of just said "well I will stay with her and cheat on her like she did to me" but he did not.

 

This is not about if he has a girlfriend. He decided to end the marriage, he decided he could not get over the cheating. Whether it was just the passage of time that made him realize this or..he met someone else and it sparked feelings and he realized for the past 8 years he'd just been going through the motions. So he decided he needed a divorce. I see zero wrong with that and good for him if he found someone. Oh and you said he was lying for years to her, but what? I don't buy it, not when we have suddenly had such a dramatic shift. That doesn't sound like he has had a girl for a long time and just now decided to end it. It sounds like he just recently met someone and decided life is too short to spend it unhappy.

 

So you know what I hope he does have someone. He spent the past 8 years in affair limbo, good for him for moving on. I am not saying that I hope he has someone because I want the OP to be hurting, but merely because it would probably do him a world of good to have someone...to be with someone he can be intimate with without getting flashes of that person cheating.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Spectre

[sandylee1]

OP, it is obvious by his refusal to respond and/or avoidance that he does have a GF. this has NOTHING to do with your A. sorry can't come back years later and declare 'remember when'. he lied to you for years. and he is now: withholding information is the same as lying.

 

it is time to 'grow a pair'. he will continue this game until you stop it. get an attorney (UK equivalent). do NOT get a 'paper pusher' (lets fill out the papers) get a 'bulldog'. i know some in my area (which does not help you) but they will have him begging for it stop.

 

have you started that 'other thread'!!!

 

I don't see that he's playing any game at all.....He's just done and trying to move on.

 

Whenyou say get a 'bulldog ' of a lawyer, it seems like you mean the OP should try and get more than the usual 50%.

 

I would be very careful of doing this, because you can guarantee that the BH still has that email. I know that this type of evidence has been used to make sure the WS doesn't become unreasonable in the division of assets.

 

Basically , if the WS tries to get greedy, that evidence goes to their children, parents and other family members. If the kids are too young, there's a promise that they'll see this evidence when they are older.

 

Most people don't want their kids to see them in a bad light, so they allow the divorce to go smoothly.

[Spectre]

Also consider his "he plays games" line. Remember the OP ambushed the guy when he was getting his kid, that is playing games. When she did not get the response she hoped for she turned on the water works(also playing games).

 

But please do not advise her to go get "bulldog" lawyers. Hasn't enough been done to this man? Like the above poster said, saying lawyers will have him "begging them to stop" suggests you are trying to say she go for more then the 50%. But no, what should happen is they split their stuff equally and the guy pays child support. But no alimony under any circumstances.

[nightmare01]

RT - there's already been enough abuse in your marriage - don't extend that into your divorce. Just divide by 2 and let him go.

 

Don't go the bulldog route as was suggested, because it's guaranteed that your BH will go very public with everything if you do that. You will make an enemy of the person that is supposed to be co-parenting your child... and that's not a wise thing to do.

 

Just let him go. He has lived with the trauma of your affair long enough, don't introduce more poison into your relationship with him.

[beatcuff]

But please do not advise her to go get "bulldog" lawyers. Hasn't enough been done to this man?

 

nearly EVERYTHING about the H on this thread has been speculation because he has refused to say much beyond 'i'm done'. what we do know is H abandoned his family, left his son, went on a trip --- giving permission for OP to do 'whatever' and continues to make demands...

 

what the BS do not want to confront is the legal system will take a dim view of the H's actions. they will ignore your A (because it happened so long ago), they will be very concerned about his lack of communication/abandonment. they will consider his recent trip as cheating.

 

OP, its time to stand up for yourself, time to release your guilt, time to get angry because no one else can. obviously many on this site would rather you 'just go away'. a good start is to hire a 'real' attorney. your H has bulldogged you these last weeks, time to equal the playing field. during the depositions you will get your answers. get peace/knowledge of the lengths he lied to you. during the settlement you will ensure your child's future will be secure (or as much as it can be).

 

he created the playing field, time for you to play the game.

[Sub]

...they will consider his recent trip as cheating.

 

Unless she hired a P.I. to follow him during this trip - and that P.I. gathered evidence - you'd have a hard time getting the legal system to consider it as cheating, IMO. A lot of supposition without concrete proof isn't a very good leg to stand on.