Did I deserve so much punishment?

[bubbaganoosh]

It comes down to this. The BS gave it his best shot trying to keep the marriage but in his mind he has a 24 hour movie theater playing the same movie over and over starring his wife and the OM and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get the images out of his head and lets face it, he had his breaking point.

 

Honestly I don't know how he was able to keep it together that long with the visions he had going through his mind.

 

If it was me, the marriage would have ended the day the affair was found out so I tip my hat to the man for trying.

 

I hope he can find happiness and I hope that the WW has learned a lesson and can move on too.

[goodyblue]

It comes down to this. The BS gave it his best shot trying to keep the marriage but in his mind he has a 24 hour movie theater playing the same movie over and over starring his wife and the OM and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get the images out of his head and lets face it, he had his breaking point.

 

Honestly I don't know how he was able to keep it together that long with the visions he had going through his mind.

 

If it was me, the marriage would have ended the day the affair was found out so I tip my hat to the man for trying.

 

I hope he can find happiness and I hope that the WW has learned a lesson and can move on too.

 

You must be projecting because nowhere did I read any of what you mention.

[oldshirt]

responses in bold below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also stated that it was wasting her and his youth if she was trying to make things right and he was going through the motions.

 

 

Only wasted youth if his objective and agenda was to find another woman. If his objective was to keep his child in his own home under his own roof without another man being in his child's life, then nothing was wasted.

If her agenda was to find another man (which she already had available) she could have left at any time as well.

As it was their choice, it's no one else's place to say if anything was wasted or not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And really, I find it hilarious that when I mentioned my h stayed for his kid I was viciously attacked by BS's saying he should not have stayed so whatever.

 

Actually what I am finding ironic is that so many people urge BH's to stay and at least try to reconcile "for the children" and now that we have one that did, he is being held as the bad guy. Why is that???

Now I will admit, I am usually one of those that is pretty quick to jump on BH's about staying in the first place, especially if the affair was so entrenched and developed as this one, but in this case he made the decision to stay and he stayed for eight years. Nothing that the OP has said indicates that he was ever a substandard husband or father during those 8 years so we must assume he did the job well, so I find it interesting and ironic that some people are find the BH so distasteful.

IMHO the OP got 8 years in the marital home with the intact biological family in spite of the depths of her betrayal. I think she came out ahead and should quit her bitch'n.

I understand this is painful for her and I truly do not wish to see any salt rubbed into her wounds but c'mon. She's fortunate she wasn't tossed out in the street with a one year old to feed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My oldest child is 25. Youngest is six. My h is the only father figure in their life.

 

 

If he is the only father figure in their life, that means their bio father chose to not be involved in their life. It is nice of your H to step up and all of you are fortunate he did and he deserves some kudos.

However in this instance, the OP's STBX chose to remain in the home and chose to remain as an intact nuclear family and chose to remain active in their child's life THAT DOES NOT MAKE HIM A BAD GUY FOR CHRIST SAKE.

Again, she couldn't left him for the OM or could have just left him to be on her own, but she chose to stay as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess I have a jaded view because I could not ask for anyone better to be in their life.

 

 

I think your jaded view is directed at your children's bio dad(s). Just because someone is a child biological father and choses to stay in the home to raise them does not make them bad guys.

I'm not following your line of thinking at all. I thought the whole world wanted men to be responsible and raise their children and be involved in their children's lives.

Why are you and some of the other posters so bitter towards this man who did?

 

 

And why oldshirt would assume anyone who dated y o ur child's mother would corn hole them is weird. It is fine to be cautious but paranoia is silly.

 

 

I'm not assuming anything, just recognizing the real world risks. It is simply a statistical fact, look it up. Mom's boyfriends and step fathers are a very real risk to many childrens safety.

That certainly doesn't mean that ALL boyfriends and step fathers are abusive or molesters, but a child is many times more likely to be killed, suffer severe bodily harm or be sexually abused by their mother's BF or step father, than they are their own biological father.

In this instance, the childs biological father chose to keep his child in his own home with him and not with some other man. Why is he being vilified for that?????????????????????????

 

Fact is, if he was always planning on leaving he should have done it early.

 

 

We have no clue what he was or what he was not planning. He may have entered into the reconciliation with full intentions of trying to make the marriage work for life and it simply didn't work out that way.

He may have tried to reconcile but couldn't maintain it.

He may have tried to live as a family as long as he could but realized it wasn't working.

He may have been sincere in the beginning and maybe it was even working out for several years but something completely different has happened and he is just saying it's because of the affair.

And may he did plan on staying in the home for exactly 8 years and at 8 years to the day he revealed his master plan to leave after 8 years. So what? He had that right. It's his son, his home, his wife. If he decided that was his best option for him and his relationship with his child then so be it.

It's sad for her but maybe she shouldn't have had a year and half affair with some stud at the office and then hoped everything would turn out peachy keen.

 

 

It would have just been life as usual for the kid. At age 9, the trauma is worse.

 

 

I disagree. Trauma comes from abuse, neglect, abandonment, addiction and chronic conflict. Nothing has been said about any of those things. There is nothing at this point that indicates this won't be an amicable and cooperative divorce with cooperative and supportive coparenting.

This child will still have two loving and supportive parents. They will just live in separate houses.

 

 

I do get what you and some of the other posters are saying in that he is old enough to realize what is happening and to be sad about it, where as if he was a baby he would be none-the-wiser.

But that doesn't mean that his over all environment or well being would have been any better if they had split when he was a baby.

 

 

My gut instinct is telling me the STBX has been planning this for a long time and that the well being of the son and the coparenting plan and custody and child support arrangments have been part of the plan all along and that as smooth a transition as possible for the son is a big part of the master plan.

 

 

[nightmare01]

Because sometimes someone who is betrayed will have questions that can't possibly be answered, or are best not answered, and have feelings that they don't communicate.

 

 

 

Sometimes there's no way to do what is "needed" if what is "needed" is for the affair never to have happened.

 

Some people just can't get over it. It doesn't mean the WS didn't do everything they knew to do.

 

But who knows, in this case.

 

Who gets to choose what is "best not answered"?

 

The WS has already chosen to step outside the marriage for physical / mental intimacy. They've chosen to do what they did. I believe that after Dday the choice of what is needed and answered does NOT lie with the WS - the BS gets those choices.

 

IMO being betrayed is not something you get OVER - instead it's something you get through. At no point will it be as if the betrayal never happened. But a BS can deal with the facts - if they have all the facts they want / need - and the relationship can continue... or not. It depends on both the WS and BS.

[Friskyone4u]

Remorseful,

 

I did notice in your original post that you stated "as I got oiut of the affair", I could be wrong, but that suggests you did not get out of it so easily and that there might have been even more deceit after you were caught. If that is not correct I apologize. The other thing you have to realize is that your affair weas not a ONS, was not caught quickly, and therefore had to involve a tremendous amount of lying and deceit over a long period of time.

The decision to quit your job was that made immediately and voluntarily by you or wash there vascillating and false NC involved.

 

There are numerous women on here who stay in marriages just for the kids. He may have done that so why is he being chastised here. You made a conscious decision time and time again over 16 months to disrespect and humiliate this man in the worst possible way. You have to accept that and it is commendable that you tried. He is under no obligation to not walk anytime he wants to.

 

Unfortunately, the effects of infidelity are a lot of the time not felt for a olong time. Most marriages do not immediately dissolve and yes eight years is a long time but it is what it is.

 

You need to just let him go and accept his decision. People divorce and wind up remarried so you never know what will happen.

[oldshirt]

Really, if he wants out, fine. But he can't blame the affair this far down the road. It is absurd.

 

 

 

 

So at what point does the statute of limitations on a year and a half affair run out?

[nightmare01]

So at what point does the statute of limitations on a year and a half affair run out?

 

Never. It never runs out.

[goodyblue]

Never. It never runs out.

 

Okay, you win. But I hope you didn't stay with someone who cheated on you. I would hate to be the person who had to live with someone holding that over my head forever. No forgiveness, no redemption. Lame. That is no relationship. 'I know your affair was in 1986 but I have decided I can't lie 've with that. Bye'. So lame.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I also stated that it was wasting her and his youth if she was trying to make things right and he was going through the motions. And really, I find it hilarious that when I mentioned my h stayed for his kid I was viciously attacked by BS's saying he should not have stayed so whatever.

 

My oldest child is 25. Youngest is six. My h is the only father figure in their life. I guess I have a jaded view because I could not ask for anyone better to be in their life. And why oldshirt would assume anyone who dated y o ur child's mother would corn hole them is weird. It is fine to be cautious but paranoia is silly.

 

Fact is, if he was always planning on leaving he should have done it early. It would have just been life as usual for the kid. At age 9, the trauma is worse.

 

Unfortunately I personally know a Grandmother who lost her 4 year old granddaughter to a moms bf. The father tried in vain....exhausting the legal route to get this man out of his daughters home with mom. The courts denied him. Mom was free to live with whomever she pleased...with her daughter. The bf murdered the 4 year old girl in a fit of rage. He is now in jail. The father spends each day he wishing he used illegal means to remove that man.

 

There are indeed men that step up and are exceptional step dads.

 

However...if he isn't...it is damn near impossible to remove one that isn't.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Okay, you win. But I hope you didn't stay with someone who cheated on you. I would hate to be the person who had to live with someone holding that over my head forever. No forgiveness, no redemption. Lame. That is no relationship. 'I know your affair was in 1986 but I have decided I can't lie 've with that. Bye'. So lame.

 

I don't find it more/less lame than your own situation. Your now H...using behaviours that he tolerated for years (you have stated).. When he divorced.

 

It would only be the way in which your now H left (affair)... In which you have stated,,he didn't realize how toxic his marriage was for so long (paraphrasing)....until he did realize..then left.

 

Is this really that different?

[sweet_pea]

I don't find it more/less lame than your own situation. Your now H...using behaviours that he tolerated for years (you have stated).. When he divorced.

 

It would only be the way in which your now H left (affair)... In which you have stated,,he didn't realize how toxic his marriage was for so long (paraphrasing)....until he did realize..then left.

 

Is this really that different?

 

Right? Was her husband lame for staying with his ex all that time? I assume she wouldn't think so, so why is a BS (which she has no idea what it's like to be) so lame for trying to make a relationship work? And who is to say that they didn't forgive? Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you automatically forget or rugsweep what they did. Betrayal is a heavy thing and even when you make progress, it can stay with you.

[goodyblue]

I don't find it more/less lame than your own situation. Your now H...using behaviours that he tolerated for years (you have stated).. When he divorced.

 

It would only be the way in which your now H left (affair)... In which you have stated,,he didn't realize how toxic his marriage was for so long (paraphrasing)....until he did realize..then left.

 

Is this really that different?

 

I don't like that my guy did what he did either. It was lazy and selfish. After much therapy he realizes it as well. It is lame to waste someone's life if you can't forgive or choose not to, then leave years later when they have been trying to be good to you and make amends.

 

Maybe that is a small difference, my he's ex didn't care about him. She wanted his money and beyond that she had no interest in a romantic relationship.

[lollipopspot]

Who gets to choose what is "best not answered"?

 

I do.

"Who's better in bed."

"You are." Or no answer.

Common sense.

 

IMO being betrayed is not something you get OVER - instead it's something you get through.

 

I've been betrayed. I've never cheated. I got over it.

 

I understand this is painful for her and I truly do not wish to see any salt rubbed into her wounds but c'mon. She's fortunate she wasn't tossed out in the street with a one year old to feed.

 

Well I think the child was a couple years old when the affair happened (?), and the wife worked too - after all, he asked her to quit her job.

 

This doesn't sound like a 50's marriage, but more equal.

[MuddyFootprints]

At some point you will be thankful that he is freeing you from a lifetime of a resentful marriage.

 

I couldn't tolerate a false reconciliation, as a fWW I would appreciate the honesty, even if it did take eight years to get it.

Edited July 14, 2015 by MuddyFootprints

[DKT3]

I also stated that it was wasting her and his youth if she was trying to make things right and he was going through the motions. And really, I find it hilarious that when I mentioned my h stayed for his kid I was viciously attacked by BS's saying he should not have stayed so whatever.

 

My oldest child is 25. Youngest is six. My h is the only father figure in their life. I guess I have a jaded view because I could not ask for anyone better to be in their life. And why oldshirt would assume anyone who dated y o ur child's mother would corn hole them is weird. It is fine to be cautious but paranoia is silly.

 

Fact is, if he was always planning on leaving he should have done it early. It would have just been life as usual for the kid. At age 9, the trauma is worse.

 

 

 

So what your saying is that its better for the child to have had two part time parents for 8 years? I don't agree with that. If they were stable and not fighting all the time then having both parents at home was a benefit to the child.

[drifter777]

I don't like that my guy did what he did either. It was lazy and selfish. After much therapy he realizes it as well. It is lame to waste someone's life if you can't forgive or choose not to, then leave years later when they have been trying to be good to you and make amends.

 

Maybe that is a small difference, my he's ex didn't care about him. She wanted his money and beyond that she had no interest in a romantic relationship.

 

Says you. Thing is, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I would hate to be the person who had to live with someone holding that over my head forever. No forgiveness, no redemption. Lame. That is no relationship. .

 

 

 

I actually do agree with you on that point. I wouldn't want to live with someone holding that over my head either. There are times it's in the WS's best interest to throw in the towel and call it a day as well. Some times it's just best for everyone to cut losses and declare it game over. I get that.

 

 

But that is the risk people take when they get it on with someone else. I am not saying it is right at all for a BS to treat someone that way. but I am saying it is a frequent reality. It is a frequent reality and some times the WS can't live that way any more, and some times the BS can't live that way any more.

 

 

The fact the BS flinched first here tells me he probably treated her ok during the attempted reconciliation.

 

 

She hasn't said anything (yet) that implies he held this over her head or mistreated her in any way while they were together.

 

 

I have the feeling she didn't like what she was reading here and has flown the coop. I was hoping she would come back and give a little more insight to some of the things he said as to why he was leaving.

 

 

I do think there is a lot more to the story than we have been presented with so far.

[nightmare01]

Okay, you win. But I hope you didn't stay with someone who cheated on you. I would hate to be the person who had to live with someone holding that over my head forever. No forgiveness, no redemption. Lame. That is no relationship. 'I know your affair was in 1986 but I have decided I can't lie 've with that. Bye'. So lame.

 

But that's what happens. The WS also can pull the plug and leave at any time they choose. Sometimes the cost to the WS to work at feeling remorse and having empathy and compassion for the one they betrayed is too much to ask.

 

Some WS feel that because for them the affair is over it should all be forgotten. Dang. Sorry. OOPS my bad. Now can't you just get over it already? IMO if the WS feels the work is too much work, then they should leave.

 

Initially there's a lot of shock that goes on with being betrayed. Especially in LTA's. Information is needed so the BS can sort out what the reality was of those past years. Then they have to process it and see if they can live with it. And sometimes even after working at it for years the BS comes to the conclusion that it's never going to get better for them and that they would be better off without their WS.

 

There is no statute of limitations on cheating because healing takes as long as it takes.. years.. decades maybe, if it happens at all. THAT is what the WS signs up as soon as they slip between the sheets with their AP.

 

If a WS doesn't want to live that way - well there's the door.

 

I remember after Dday when my WW was complaining about me crying all the time - and her premise was that I was crying just to make her feel bad (with the added remark that it wasn't working). I told her that she stabbed me in the heart and now she was complaining about my blood getting all over her nice dress. It's kinda like that.

 

ETA

 

I don't hold anything over her head. We're fine now. It was a very rough road, but we're good together now. Healing is possible, but it isn't quick and it sure as hell isn't easy.

[MuddyFootprints]

The door is there for the betrayed, too.

 

I've been a target of your wrath here, Nightmare. I'm glad to read that you and your wife are on the path of true reconciliation. It isn't an easy path, but so worthwhile if the two of you are walking it together.

[beach]

Can you explain exactly what reason he gave for wanting to divorce now? Has anything new happened recently?

 

 

And what have you been doing in the past 8 years to repair the damage you created?

 

In counseling - what have you changed about yourself in the past 8 years?

 

 

What reason do you think your H has for wanting to divorce you now?

 

Do you work now? Have you had any affairs at all since? Even strong emotional connections to another man?

[66Charger]

Lets look at the numbers shall we

 

Year and a half = 540 days, ( everyday the AP was on her mind)

 

Coworker = 376 days contact at work (some.contact)

 

Intimacy (any physical contact)) is 50 % of the time = 189

 

Extreme intimacy (any kind of sex, masturbation, oral, partial nudity) 50 % or 94 times

(Once a week is 78 times)

 

Thats a lot after only a 3 year marriage.

 

He stayed 8 years.

 

The only person that is lame here is you Goldyblue.

 

And before I get banished again, thats not my word.

 

And she is NOT coming back.

Edited July 14, 2015 by 66Charger

[sandylee1]

Sometimes you try your absolute hardest at something and it just doesn't work out the way you want. One of the things that would constantly be on my mind if I was cheated on for a year and 4 month, especially in a 3 year marriage, is he obviously didn't love me or he never could have done it.

 

So as the years go by, that worry would always be there, that if he could cheat so early in our marriage, when we have our first born and should be happy with our new life as parents, he could easily do it again. The visions of me at home with our infant child and my H sleeping with another woman for the duration of the age of our son at the time...........that's really difficult to carry around forever.

 

In the early years the child would have taken up so much time and ones thoughts are focused on the child. It's hard to have a close bond when you only see your child EOW, where a firm relationship hasn't been established. If his wife remarried, the stepfather would see his son more than him. At least at the age of 9, he has fully bonded with his dad and in a few years time his views on which parent he wants to live with can be considered in custody arrangements.

 

Also bear in mind that children tend to learn from the same gender parent and whether this next bit is true or not I don't know, but I've heard it mentioned that men will stay in a marriage they are not happy in where they have sons more than where they have daughters.

[remorseful_tab]

Wow! So many responses! Sorry for the late reply.

 

People asking that what has cause my husband to ask for a divorce after all these years. My answer I ABSOLUTELY DON'T KNOW!

 

I can only say what my husband has told me - he tried to stay with me because of our son. If we were childless at the time, he would have divorced me right away. He tried to forget the things that I did, how horribly I treated him all those years ago but he simply can't. It was too much disrepect, deceit and humiliating for him to bear. And he can't anymore.

 

I said sorry. I cried. I begged.

 

I would understand it if everyday was a struggle. But they were not. Many new memories were made, romance recreated from both sides, I again fell in love with him. Does these things does not matter? Does only my affair and my behaviour then matters?

 

My husband didn't answer this.

[remorseful_tab]

Husband never asked me about the sexual encounters. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH EASIER. Because I didn't do anything with OM that I didn't do with my husband before.

 

But he asked me about things which were more hurtful for him.

 

He asked about the times I lied to him and used every oppurtunity to see the OM, the times when I was numb to him because OM had my thoughts, the time where I rejected my husband offer to go out together or the times I rejected his advances.

 

When I said husband revealed to me things that he never said before, they were that he had read a soft copy draft of a letter then I had written to a relationship advice site. In this letter I vividly described my attraction to the OM, how sex was amazing with (makes me ill when I type this now), how I was pushing him away, how I didn't think our relationship could recover.

 

Husband asked me for the divorce on the date which is the same date my husband discovered my affair 8 years ago (DDay happened one month later). He never told me this date before.

Edited July 14, 2015 by remorseful_tab

[remorseful_tab]

There's more. I will comeback later.