Did I deserve so much punishment?

[velvette]

Wow! So many responses! Sorry for the late reply.

 

People asking that what has cause my husband to ask for a divorce after all these years. My answer I ABSOLUTELY DON'T KNOW!

 

I can only say what my husband has told me - he tried to stay with me because of our son. If we were childless at the time, he would have divorced me right away. He tried to forget the things that I did, how horribly I treated him all those years ago but he simply can't. It was too much disrepect, deceit and humiliating for him to bear. And he can't anymore.

 

I said sorry. I cried. I begged.

 

 

I'm sorry for both of you that this is happening. But, unless you have reason to believe something else is going on, you do know why he is asking for a divorce.

 

First, you need to respect that what he is saying is his truth as well as he knows it and it is valid to him.

 

Right now, as is normal because you unexpectedly in a great deal of pain, you are focused on yourself. Even your thread title is all about you.

 

 

It seems obvious that your H has never gotten over your A. Why that is is impossible for us to know without having been privy to what went on in your attempts to reconcile.

 

 

Anger is a covering emotion for hurt and pain. Continuing to contact your H to get him to address your needs when he is hurting is just going to alienate him further.

 

How do you think it happened that he has harbored all this stuff without telling you? Why do you think he never told you all the things he has recently brought up? Did you go to marriage counseling after your A or just have some conversation and then devote yourself to being a good wife?

 

I would understand it if everyday was a struggle. But they were not. Many new memories were made, romance recreated from both sides, I again fell in love with him. Does these things does not matter? Does only my affair and my behaviour then matters?

 

 

What you are not getting is that for your H, he was having an internal struggle that he didn't share with you (or you missed) for the last 8 years. Maybe not every day, but often enough that he cannot tolerate it anymore. Whatever either of you have done was not enough to counteract this internal struggle. Whether or not you did not do the right things or nothing would have overcome it, none of us can say for sure.

 

My husband didn't answer this.

 

 

Maybe he doesn't know the answer. But, anyway, its not the right question to ask at this time because its really focused on you and getting what you want.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ten characters

[velvette]

Husband never asked me about the sexual encounters. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH EASIER. Because I didn't do anything with OM that I didn't do with my husband before.

 

But he asked me about things which were more hurtful for him.

 

He asked about the times I lied to him and used every oppurtunity to see the OM, the times when I was numb to him because OM had my thoughts, the time where I rejected my husband offer to go out together or the times I rejected his advances.

 

When I said husband revealed to me things that he never said before, they were that he had read a soft copy draft of a letter then I had written to a relationship advice site. In this letter I vividly described my attraction to the OM, how sex was amazing with (makes me ill when I type this now), how I was pushing him away, how I didn't think our relationship could recover.

 

Husband asked me for the divorce on the date which is the same date my husband discovered my affair 8 years ago (DDay happened one month later). He never told me this date before.

 

 

 

Just because your H did not ask for sexual details doesn't mean they weren't festering in his mind. Maybe he was to proud to ask, to hurt or some other reason. Since there are lots of things bothering him that he didn't discuss with you I wouldn't assume this isn't included. Most men care a lot about the sexual details even to the point of becoming fixated on them and running mind movies constantly starring their WW and OM. Lots of times what they imagine is actually worse to them than what actually happened.

 

 

The date is obviously not coincidental. Its either a passive aggressive parting shot, or something symbolic to him with regard to reclaiming his sanity/equilibrium or possibly a mixture of both.

 

 

Does he normally bottle up his anger and then express it in inappropriate ways or is he usually straightforward when he's angry?

[goodyblue]

But that's what happens. The WS also can pull the plug and leave at any time they choose. Sometimes the cost to the WS to work at feeling remorse and having empathy and compassion for the one they betrayed is too much to ask.

 

Some WS feel that because for them the affair is over it should all be forgotten. Dang. Sorry. OOPS my bad. Now can't you just get over it already? IMO if the WS feels the work is too much work, then they should leave.

 

Initially there's a lot of shock that goes on with being betrayed. Especially in LTA's. Information is needed so the BS can sort out what the reality was of those past years. Then they have to process it and see if they can live with it. And sometimes even after working at it for years the BS comes to the conclusion that it's never going to get better for them and that they would be better off without their WS.

 

There is no statute of limitations on cheating because healing takes as long as it takes.. years.. decades maybe, if it happens at all. THAT is what the WS signs up as soon as they slip between the sheets with their AP.

 

If a WS doesn't want to live that way - well there's the door.

 

I remember after Dday when my WW was complaining about me crying all the time - and her premise was that I was crying just to make her feel bad (with the added remark that it wasn't working). I told her that she stabbed me in the heart and now she was complaining about my blood getting all over her nice dress. It's kinda like that.

 

ETA

 

I don't hold anything over her head. We're fine now. It was a very rough road, but we're good together now. Healing is possible, but it isn't quick and it sure as hell isn't

 

It is true that the WS can pull the plug at any time as well but this guy was doing exactly what bs's rail about. He was lying about their true situation and not allowing her to make a decision about her own life with the truth of what the relationship was at her disposal. He gaslighted, trickle truthed, and outright lied.

 

Oh, but since she had an affair NEARLY A DECADE AGO. Was remorseful, three herself into the marriage, trusted him, he can pull the affair card any time. If you are one who believes that just divorce now. You don't have the right to hang that over someone's head if it is true reconciliation. He tricked.her.

[SSJROMANCE]

I'm quite surprised he stayed with you for all those years. He busted you which shows you had no remorse for all those months you were ****ing another man. Had you come clean that would be painful enough but the fact that you didn't shows a complete lack of respect for your husband and your marriage. All you can do now is continue to show him through actions and behavior how sorry you are. Not only did you hurt your husband but you hurt your child and probably many others who you two hung out with. But at this point if you haven't already see someone to figure out what caused you to do the things you did. Maybe in your next relationship you will have figured it out.

[goodyblue]

Lets look at the numbers shall we

 

Year and a half = 540 days, ( everyday the AP was on her mind)

 

Coworker = 376 days contact at work (some.contact)

 

Intimacy (any physical contact)) is 50 % of the time = 189

 

Extreme intimacy (any kind of sex, masturbation, oral, partial nudity) 50 % or 94 times

(Once a week is 78 times)

 

Thats a lot after only a 3 year marriage.

 

He stayed 8 years.

 

The only person that is lame here is you Goldyblue.

 

And before I get banished again, thats not my word.

 

And she is NOT coming back.

 

Lol. Why? Because forgiveness is not in your vocabulary? Give me a break.

[happyman64]

remorseful

 

 

Why did you and your H never have a second child?

 

 

I truly think your H has been planning his exit for a long time.

 

 

And I think no matter what you do he will never ever recover from your Affair.

 

 

His sticking to those dates and keeping the letter/email are facts that point to that direction.

 

 

I think you should be prepared for an amicable divorce and encourage him to get professional counseling.

 

 

He needs it more that you do.

 

 

I feel for both of you.

 

 

HM

[sandylee1]

Wow! So many responses! Sorry for the late reply.

 

People asking that what has cause my husband to ask for a divorce after all these years. My answer I ABSOLUTELY DON'T KNOW!

 

I can only say what my husband has told me - he tried to stay with me because of our son. If we were childless at the time, he would have divorced me right away. He tried to forget the things that I did, how horribly I treated him all those years ago but he simply can't. It was too much disrepect, deceit and humiliating for him to bear. And he can't anymore.

 

I said sorry. I cried. I begged.

 

I would understand it if everyday was a struggle. But they were not. Many new memories were made, romance recreated from both sides, I again fell in love with him. Does these things does not matter? Does only my affair and my behaviour then matters?

 

My husband didn't answer this.

 

There's a saying called 'fake it till you make it'. I think he tried to get past it and in order to get through bad times , you have to act happy and try to be positive. I don't think he's strung you along. It's just to traumatic for him.

 

I had an EX BF who cheated on me and I really tried to make a go of it, but I couldn't forget it and I felt he could do it again. So I ended it.

 

If you fell out of love with him so early in the marriage, how can he be sure if won't happen again after so many years. Unfortunately, the lack of trust and the hurt from a betrayal never leave some people. He'll probably take this into a new relationship and have triggers if his new partner demonstrates any of the behaviours you did during the affair and usually there's nothing going on. It's just that it's a part of him now.

 

Your son has had 9 years with you both in the same house and with continued love from the two of you, he'll adjust to having two homes.

 

No more begging, just be strong and accept how it's ended.

[elaine567]

I guess here was a man, who made a decision re his cheating wife, that he would stay for the kid.

8 years down the line, to the day, he delivers the bombshell.

As they say revenge is better served cold.

 

BUT if he did in fact do that, and he is not leaving because he is bored, not in love, fancies a change, has an OW etc. - is he in fact morally justified to take revenge?

 

Is a man who can do that to his wife and kid - lie to them for years, make her feel that everything is fine in her marriage, pretend to be that loving husband and father and make her feel that they reconciled, any better than she was for having her 1.5 year affair right at the beginning of their relationship, when at least she had the fact she was young and I guess foolish, in her favour?

 

He is though now older and wiser, should he get a pass over anything he does in revenge, as she cheated and cheating trumps all?...

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I would understand it if everyday was a struggle. But they were not. Many new memories were made, romance recreated from both sides, I again fell in love with him.

 

This is from your side of the relationship. It has been my experience that the WS has a VERY different view of the affair and reconciliation than the BH.

 

All of that (listed above in your post) is good, but it does not remove the memories and triggers that a BH deals with on a constant basis.

 

He gave it his best shot and is ready to move on. My advice is to be thankful that he tried for 8 years instead of divorcing immediately.

[Friskyone4u]

usband never asked me about the sexual encounters. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH EASIER. Because I didn't do anything with OM that I didn't do with my husband before.

 

But he asked me about things which were more hurtful for him.

 

He asked about the times I lied to him and used every oppurtunity to see the OM, the times when I was numb to him because OM had my thoughts, the time where I rejected my husband offer to go out together or the times I rejected his advances.

 

When I said husband revealed to me things that he never said before, they were that he had read a soft copy draft of a letter then I had written to a relationship advice site. In this letter I vividly described my attraction to the OM, how sex was amazing with (makes me ill when I type this now), how I was pushing him away, how I didn't think our relationship could recover.

 

Well remorseful, there is your answer right there. He just never got over everything you described above. Some men are fixated on the performance and sex issues, and others get past the sex part but all the lying and deceit are the true marriage killers.

 

I do not think there is any real blame here. You both tried but the fact is infidelity kills many marriages and it is not always something that happens on an given time schedule. There are threads on this forum started by BS where things from 20 years ago are still bothering them.

 

He has made the decision. You need to accept it and do your best to rebuild your life. i think all this blaming is non productive. What happened here is just a consequence of cheating.

[gettingstronger]

It haunted him and he just could not get past it- bottom line- at first I held on to dates too, anguished about them- this is the date this happened, this is the date that happened-its gut wrenching- I have let them go-

 

 

I have to agree, the details of the betrayal of things that really matter to me hurt the most- time together, honesty, etc... the sex is not that huge of an issue (did not say non- issue) because we are pretty sexually open/adventurous-

 

My big stumbling block is what I call the monster under the bed- sometimes when we are getting ready to fall asleep, I trigger- falling asleep together is such an intimate act to me and the fact she stayed in hotel rooms with him and knows how he feels/smells at bed time is really hard for me-we are 2.5 years out, I hate to think I will still feel that way at 8 years- if I do, I would probably do some soul searching as well-

[sandylee1]

I guess here was a man, who made a decision re his cheating wife, that he would stay for the kid.

8 years down the line, to the day, he delivers the bombshell.

As they say revenge is better served cold.

 

BUT if he did in fact do that, and he is not leaving because he is bored, not in love, fancies a change, has an OW etc. - is he in fact morally justified to take revenge?

 

Is a man who can do that to his wife and kid - lie to them for years, make her feel that everything is fine in her marriage, pretend to be that loving husband and father and make her feel that they reconciled, any better than she was for having her 1.5 year affair right at the beginning of their relationship, when at least she had the fact she was young and I guess foolish, in her favour?

 

He is though now older and wiser, should he get a pass over anything he does in revenge, as she cheated and cheating trumps all?...

 

I don't agree that the two are comparable. He's getting divorced because HE can't get over it , not as revenge to his wife.

 

He's now going to have a life where he doesn't see his son every day while he's still growing up. That's not the life he wanted and I'm sure he's agonised over it a lot.

 

For the last 8 years , he pushed his pain aside for the sake of his son, but he can't do it anymore. I don't believe he should be blamed in any way at all.

[autumnnight]

I guess here was a man, who made a decision re his cheating wife, that he would stay for the kid.

8 years down the line, to the day, he delivers the bombshell.

As they say revenge is better served cold.

 

BUT if he did in fact do that, and he is not leaving because he is bored, not in love, fancies a change, has an OW etc. - is he in fact morally justified to take revenge?

 

Is a man who can do that to his wife and kid - lie to them for years, make her feel that everything is fine in her marriage, pretend to be that loving husband and father and make her feel that they reconciled, any better than she was for having her 1.5 year affair right at the beginning of their relationship, when at least she had the fact she was young and I guess foolish, in her favour?

 

He is though now older and wiser, should he get a pass over anything he does in revenge, as she cheated and cheating trumps all?...

 

First, I doubt he acted as if everything was fine. I've seen this kind of thing, and I can assure you that a BS who divorces 8 years later has NOT acted as if everything is fine.

 

As for the bolded...I'd say that the majority of people would answer this yes. I don't but most people do. It's pretty evident from the theme of forums posts.

[elaine567]

As for the bolded...I'd say that the majority of people would answer this yes. I don't but most people do. It's pretty evident from the theme of forums posts.

 

Yes, I agree...

[irishguy]

I really cant see anything you can do changing his mind , he tried for 8 years but he just had enough, only thing you can do is work with him to be good parents for your son .

[oldshirt]

I guess here was a man, who made a decision re his cheating wife, that he would stay for the kid.

8 years down the line, to the day, he delivers the bombshell.

As they say revenge is better served cold.

 

BUT if he did in fact do that, and he is not leaving because he is bored, not in love, fancies a change, has an OW etc. - is he in fact morally justified to take revenge?

 

Is a man who can do that to his wife and kid - lie to them for years, make her feel that everything is fine in her marriage, pretend to be that loving husband and father and make her feel that they reconciled, any better than she was for having her 1.5 year affair right at the beginning of their relationship, when at least she had the fact she was young and I guess foolish, in her favour?

 

He is though now older and wiser, should he get a pass over anything he does in revenge, as she cheated and cheating trumps all?...

 

 

 

As I stated earlier in the thread, I do not believe that an A justifies the BS to abuse or mistreat the WS in any way. I do not believe that revenge is justified or effective for anything positive.

 

 

However I don't see anything indicating that he did this out of vengeance or is "punishing" RT in any way.

 

 

Even given the posts she has made, everything to me indicates that he stayed for the child and got to a point where he simply didn't want to remain married to her any more.

 

 

I don't see revenge here. I don't see punishment here. I don't see malice here.

[autumnnight]

OP, if you were/are a truly remorseful WS who was repentant, transparent, honest, accountable for your time, tried to meet his needs...etc. then try to see this in a different light.

 

He is a man who just cannot get past the betrayal. With a divorce, he is free from trying to get past that pain.

 

YOU are a woman who really did all she knew to do to make amends for a horrible choice and change. For 8 years she showed a pattern of new self and new behavior. And it just wasn't enough for whatever reason. With a divorce, you get a new start and a chance for a relationship where you can be seen as a worthy, valuable equal and not "the bad spouse"

[oldshirt]

Remorseful Tab, you have mentioned that you received some IC. Did the two of you ever go to MC or did he ever receive any IC?

[elaine567]

I don't agree that the two are comparable. He's getting divorced because HE can't get over it , not as revenge to his wife.

 

YOU don't actually know that and neither do I, you are surmising and assuming he hasn't got over it and it just became too much.

 

He could easily have been planning this for years, he has now told the OP he merely stayed for his son anyway.

 

The date for me is the clue, that is why it seems more premeditated than simply " I have reached the end of my tether".

Also the draft copy sounds like a great thing for someone who needs to be kept reminded of why he needs to go and something to keep focussed on, else he may have folded and reneged on his resolve.

He kept it secret and brings it out for the OP now, like a rabbit out of the hat, ie for maximum effect, and you do not think this is revenge...

 

My guess he knew what he was going to do, only it took him 8 long years to do it.

[elaine567]

With a divorce, you get a new start and a chance for a relationship where you can be seen as a worthy, valuable equal and not "the bad spouse"

 

That a very good point.

Not the end, but a new beginning...

[gettingstronger]

Not trying to challenge you Elaine-but I can not remember- are you a BS?

[Popsicle]

You should divorce. Let it happen. Learn and then live again.

[oldshirt]

YOU don't actually know that and neither do I, you are surmising and assuming he hasn't got over it and it just became too much.

 

He could easily have been planning this for years, he has now told the OP he merely stayed for his son anyway.

 

The date for me is the clue, that is why it seems more premeditated than simply " I have reached the end of my tether".

Also the draft copy sounds like a great thing for someone who needs to be kept reminded of why he needs to go and something to keep focussed on, else he may have folded and reneged on his resolve.

He kept it secret and brings it out for the OP now, like a rabbit out of the hat, ie for maximum effect, and you do not think this is revenge...

 

My guess he knew what he was going to do, only it took him 8 long years to do it.

 

When people take revenge, they usually make a special note of informing their victim that their evil plot has come to fruition and why they are doing it. Revenge isn't sweet and satisfying if your victim misses it and doesn't notice it.

 

 

I think if he was doing that to RT he would be making statements like, "now you'll get what you have coming" or "now you'll see what it's like being alone" or "now you'll pay for what you did to me" etc etc

 

 

I would also think if he's been planning revenge for 8 years, it would be more than just filing for divorce and announcing he was outta there.

He would be taking all the marital assets and the son and taking it all to some tropical island with a 22 year old porn star and leaving her with a mountain of fraudulent debt and incriminating evidence that she had embezzled millions from the mob and from orphanages and puppy shelters and in the end she is standing there with a look of horror as the police sirens are coming closer and closer.

 

 

I'm just not seeing any of that stuff. What she has presented is that he stayed for the son and got to a point where he didn't want to stay anymore and is opting out. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

 

The date may or may not have some significance in his decision to pick this moment to announce his intentions but I am getting the impression she has had to drag something of this stuff out of him and he has divulged this information in response to her questioning and attempted negotiations.

 

 

I think if it were a revenge tactic, he would have preemptively stuck it in her face.

 

 

From the information that has been presented thus far, I am seeing a guy that sucked it up and gutted it out in a $h!tty situation to keep his child under the same roof and he got to a point where he can't keep up those appearances any more and is throwing in the towel.

 

 

I am not seeing someone who is finally springing a diabolical trap that he has been scheming and setting for 8 years.

[autumnnight]

I don't think this was a calculated decision.

 

Of course, anything I thought would only be a guess.

 

I think he rally did try to reconcile, and I think there were probably lots of times he actually thought it was working. I think something triggered this giant revelation. You may never know what it is, and it may not actually have anything to do with you.

 

Honestly, my gut says see how long it takes him to start dating. Because in another situation like this I know of, the man already had a girlfriend waiting in the wings.

[Clay]

If he directly sighting her affair apon his departure its clear hes still not over it. Maybe there are other factors such as outside people telling him she is still contacting the OM. There are so many things here we don't know. I asked for a divorce after nine years because I felt I could not trust her again and she would do all those little things to keep me on the fence. She flirts constantly. She dressed like she was single. This guy probably never really dealt with the affair or was able to really deal with it. He stayed for eight years if it was a way of punishing her I am sure he would be rubbing another woman in her face or something of that nature. It sounds like he is hurting right now and she should just be patient and let him cool down.

 

Bashing him for leaving when you don't have enough facts only shows a bias.

 

I doubt seriously I would have ever forgiven that long of a affair. I probably wouldn't have stayed eight years after the fact either. She damn well wouldn't have custody of my child if I had any say in that as well.

 

OP give him some time to calm down and hopefully you can both talk and get more answers.

 

Clay