Did I deserve so much punishment?

[SoulStorm]

I think what a lot of women fail to see is that ego is a huge part of being a man.

 

When you emasculate, humiliate and desecrate our ego with infidelity and huge amounts of disrespect, we seldom recover fully to ever love you the way you think we should just because you say you are sorry, cry and beg.

I am sure it is the same for women too in certain aspects.

 

However a man can never forget how cruel his wife/girlfriend was to him if he was being a good companion to her. He will remember all the good things he did for her . He will even admit that he was not perfect in some things, but he loved her. The act of physically and emotionally giving yourself to another man kills the ego and if you kill our ego...you destroy us and our vision of you becomes of a notion that you are capable of harming us more than helping us. No matter how many years go by...that thought will always be there.

[oldshirt]

responses in bold below.

 

 

 

 

I don't think this was a calculated decision.

 

 

I think the decision to divorce was a calculated one. I just don't think there was any revenge or punishment as a motive behind it. I don't see anything here that is an attempt to inflict any undue pain or suffering on Remorseful. I think he is just doesn't want to married to her anymore.

 

Of course, anything I thought would only be a guess.

 

 

As is the case with all of us, but we all have to form an opinion based on the information given.

 

I think he rally did try to reconcile, and I think there were probably lots of times he actually thought it was working.

 

 

That is a very real possibility.

As I have stated earlier in the thread, a lot of couples divorce after 8 years even if there hasn't been any infidelity etc. He may have even been happy and content for several of those 8 years but something else came along and he is just attributing it to the A or he just got tired of dealing with it.

 

 

I think something triggered this giant revelation.

 

 

 

 

That's where we disagree. I don't see any giant revelation at all. I see this as a marriage dying with a whimper and not a roar.

What I think is striking here is the lack of fireworks and explosions and fire and earthquakes and fire falling from the sky.

I see this as an old and weak and sick person taking their last few dying gasps all warm and comfy in bed. Not someone being blown to bits in a blaze of glory.

 

 

 

 

You may never know what it is, and it may not actually have anything to do with you.

 

 

Also a very very very real possibility.

 

Honestly, my gut says see how long it takes him to start dating. Because in another situation like this I know of, the man already had a girlfriend waiting in the wings.

 

 

I agree here too and I'll give it to this Saturday night.

I don't think he has been plotting revenge and I don't think he has been plotting divorce for 8 years but I'll bet my last dollar he didn't start disconnecting and didn't start working on the divorce last Thursday.

This has been coming on for quite some time, perhaps even a couple years. He may have announced his plans to divorce this weekend but I am sure the disconnect and moving on has been taking place at least multiple multiple months if not a year or more.

It is a very good bet he will start dating in earnest in the next few weeks, and that is assuming there isn't someone else in the picture now. That is a very very real possibility as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[sandylee1]

YOU don't actually know that and neither do I, you are surmising and assuming he hasn't got over it and it just became too much.

 

.

 

 

This is what the OPs husband said:

 

*He tried to forget the things that I did, how horribly I treated him all those years ago but he simply can't. It was too much disrepect, deceit and humiliating.

---------------'--------------------------------------------

 

They are HIS words via the OP. Unless you don't believe what he's saying. I didn't make it up

[oldshirt]

This is what the OPs husband said:

 

*He tried to forget the things that I did, how horribly I treated him all those years ago but he simply can't. It was too much disrepect, deceit and humiliating.

---------------'--------------------------------------------

 

They are HIS words via the OP. Unless you don't believe what he's saying. I didn't make it up

 

 

 

Yes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

And there is no reason to believe that that is not true. It is very realistic.

 

 

 

 

The problem is there are people here that are trying to say that that can't be true and that there is some kind of hidden agenda or diabolical plot or some kind of schinanigans taking place.

[Diezel]

Does these things does not matter? Does only my affair and my behaviour then matters?

 

My husband didn't answer this.

 

They didn't matter to you enough at some point. So why should it matter to him now?

 

You broke his trust.

 

Nay.

 

You DESTROYED his trust. And STILL, you can only be selfish about it. Don't you see? Maybe he was told time could heal all wounds. Maybe he has another, darker reason. Maybe he just doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

 

The answer doesn't matter. He wants what he wants, you need to respect that.

[remorseful_tab]

Many people are asking why we didn't have another child. Simply because it didn't came up. Two reasons: First, I was scared that another pregnancy may affect my relationship with my husband judging by how the first went. Second, we were just happy with our son and my husband never asked me anything about another child.

 

But I don't know. If he wanted, I would have agreed. And I would have done everything in my power to make the 2nd pregancy one of his sweetest memory.

[Seachan]

Okay, you win. But I hope you didn't stay with someone who cheated on you. I would hate to be the person who had to live with someone holding that over my head forever. No forgiveness, no redemption. Lame. That is no relationship. 'I know your affair was in 1986 but I have decided I can't lie 've with that. Bye'. So lame.

 

I think what is lame is the one cheating and deceiving.

[66Charger]

The real damage is the letter. You might as well have made a porn movie for him. Imagine him rereading the letter everytime he has a doubt. Vivid details. Attraction to OM. Amazing sex. Bashing him/marriage. Horrible stuff. No, I don't think he is ever coming back.

For those that disagree, especially long term cheaters, imagine your SO OR A POTENTIAL MATE having access to your thoughts here on LS. Most of you would be divorced the next day or would not get the second date.

 

OP, if you cannot get that letter deleted or destroyed, its over forever. One point that i will fault him for, this letter should have been discussed a long time ago.

[remorseful_tab]

All the people telling me that my husband had been preparing for this divorce a long time, I agree with you all. How do I know? I just know reflecting on the last 8 years. How he changed. How he was never spontaneous with me. How he communicated only essential things, hardly sharing his feelings. He only initiated sex 20-25 times, atmost 30 for these last 8 years.

 

Its just that I didn't want to see it that way...

 

I guess I have to accept my fate. But its so hard to let him go.

[Sastrugi]

There's more. I will comeback later.

 

Remorseful,

i can relate to your husband, i stayed with my wife for 25 years. Yet this last year i had a massive triger on an event that happened more than 25 years ago. Our marriage was good till this last trigger.

 

Now when i relive the past, i relieve it with 25 years of life experiances and personal growth. I question why i ev en tried to make my marriage work. I am struggling now more than i ever did.

 

Goodyblue, you have no right to judge her bs.

[Chi townD]

I hate to say it, but this marriage should have gone through marriage counseling YEARS ago. Especially now that you've had time to reflect over the years and you see how disconnected he was.

 

 

What is also tell for me is he dropped the bombshell on you on the anniversary of his D-Day eight years ago. That tells me that he has set trigger dates. Certain days that he knows are going to be incredibly hard on him. Therefore, I think the stress of those days got to be too much for him.

 

 

What's he doing now?

[goodyblue]

Remorseful,

i can relate to your husband, i stayed with my wife for 25 years. Yet this last year i had a massive triger on an event that happened more than 25 years ago. Our marriage was good till this last trigger.

 

Now when i relive the past, i relieve it with 25 years of life experiances and personal growth. I question why i ev en tried to make my marriage work. I am struggling now more than i ever did.

 

Goodyblue, you have no right to judge her bs.

 

She put her story out there to be judged. I have every right.

 

OP just divorce. You will have opportunity to find someone who will love you in the way you want and need.

[Clay]

I hate to say it, but this marriage should have gone through marriage counseling YEARS ago. Especially now that you've had time to reflect over the years and you see how disconnected he was.

 

 

What is also tell for me is he dropped the bombshell on you on the anniversary of his D-Day eight years ago. That tells me that he has set trigger dates. Certain days that he knows are going to be incredibly hard on him. Therefore, I think the stress of those days got to be too much for him.

 

 

What's he doing now?

 

I agree with this. It sounds like he never really dealth with it. Who knows there might have been things along the way bringing the pain back. My xW flirted all the time. She always had male friends. Who knows what finally pushed him over the edge.

 

OP have you tried to contact the OM or look him up ? Do you flirt with other men and keep male friends ?

Aside of this affair as there been any other men?

 

I hate to ask this but is it possible your son is not really his and he just learned about it ?

 

I did a DNA test on my younger two last year. After the results came in the mail it took me two weeks to open them up.

 

C

[aliveagain]

All the people telling me that my husband had been preparing for this divorce a long time, I agree with you all. How do I know? I just know reflecting on the last 8 years. How he changed. How he was never spontaneous with me. How he communicated only essential things, hardly sharing his feelings. He only initiated sex 20-25 times, atmost 30 for these last 8 years.

 

Its just that I didn't want to see it that way...

 

I guess I have to accept my fate. But its so hard to let him go.

 

This is common behavior when someone builds a wall of protection around themselves. I brought up the issue of a second child only because I can relate to your husbands situation about not feeling safe with you and he more than likely had hidden doubts about your marriage surviving in the long term. The fact that he didn't initiate sex that often is very telling that all is not well. I didn't have sex with my ex again after I discovered her 2 year affair and the DNA test had proved I wasn't the father of our son, I couldn't stand the thought of being intimate with someone that didn't respect or value intimacy enough that she freely give it to someone else. Her affair child was proof that she put my health at risk for those two years, her O/M was sleeping with other women, I got to sleep with them all indirectly and not by choice.

 

He planned to leave you when your child and you weren't as dependant on his support, he will still be a great father to your child. You have no choice in his decision other than acceptance. You need to work on yourself because you need to be the best parent you can. Affairs are not what we see on Ashly Madis*n commercials, they don't give life to a marriage, they destroy marriages. Even marriages that survive infidelity loose something in the process.

 

P.S. Did he ever suspect that you took your child with you when you were with O/M? Did you?

Edited July 14, 2015 by aliveagain

[66Charger]

Your fate and future has yet to be determined. You should accept the consequences, but you should address that letter first, before letting him go. That letter probably made him feel like second best. Thats the worst thing you could do to a man. If you have any chance for a future, or for him to ever forgive you, you need to counter that letter. It may be too late, but it is very very important if only for his peace of mind.

[LoveMachine67]

She put her story out there to be judged. I have every right.

 

OP just divorce. You will have opportunity to find someone who will love you in the way you want and need.

 

 

I agree with this^^^

 

It's cruel and unusual to be punished ad infinitum, for an A that ended over 8 years ago. If your husband has decided after all of this time he can not deal with it, I hope you can move on with the rest of your life and find new happiness without him.

 

Sorry you find yourself in this position after trying so hard, for so many years to make things right.

[remorseful_tab]

I agree with this. It sounds like he never really dealth with it. Who knows there might have been things along the way bringing the pain back. My xW flirted all the time. She always had male friends. Who knows what finally pushed him over the edge.

 

OP have you tried to contact the OM or look him up ? Do you flirt with other men and keep male friends ?

Aside of this affair as there been any other men?

 

I hate to ask this but is it possible your son is not really his and he just learned about it ?

 

I did a DNA test on my younger two last year. After the results came in the mail it took me two weeks to open them up.

 

C

 

Our son was already 1 yr old when I first met the OM.

 

No I did not have any other affair after this one neither did I interact with any male in a deep way after DDay.

 

As for the OM, I quit my job within a week after DDay. I never saw or speak with him again. The affair was streessing me out. The OM was very phony. I am disgusted to say that I was only a convenient lay for him. I didn't see him for who he was in the beginning. I degraded myself so much for something so cheap. Hence I wrote the letter that my H happened to see.

 

It was a relief that my affair was over.

[remorseful_tab]

PDid he ever suspect that you took your child with you when you were with O/M? Did you?

 

I never took my son to see the OM. My H knows this. I told him. Whether he believes it or not, I don't know.

 

Since my H has mentioned that letter, I already tried to address it. I tried to tell him how screwed I was mentally when I wrote that. The problem is in his word "Words and bullets cannot be taken back"

[understand50]

All the people telling me that my husband had been preparing for this divorce a long time, I agree with you all. How do I know? I just know reflecting on the last 8 years. How he changed. How he was never spontaneous with me. How he communicated only essential things, hardly sharing his feelings. He only initiated sex 20-25 times, atmost 30 for these last 8 years.

 

Its just that I didn't want to see it that way...

 

I guess I have to accept my fate. But its so hard to let him go.

 

The only glimmer of hope that you may have, is that you and he share a child. He is going to have to talk to you. In may ways, you should think of this as if the affair just happened. Read the "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know" post at the top of the infidelity board. Apply this as if he just found out. Give him the space he needs. The odds are very low, if non extant, that he will want to give you a second chance. Him being away will ether, let him move on, or have him decide he wants you and his family back, in ether case, the only thing and best thing you can do is let him go. Go no contact, only talk about your son, and hope for the best. Be the best mother to your son that you can be. Work to make sure he can be a father, and live your life as a decent person. Only time will bring him back, or show he is gone.

 

As I think you will get divorce, work to make it fair, but also protect your son. Always ask for support for him. Your husband will understand that. Be open with your life as much as he will let you.

 

In many ways this thread gets to a question discussed on LS a lot. Can a WS ever make amends or are they condemned to be defined by their cheating for life. In your case, you are defined by your cheating. This does not have to be so in your next relationship, or with your SBEX, going forward. Maybe your only goal left to you , is that your son will say in 30 years, "Mom and Dad had issues, but they never bad mouth each other, always put me first, and loved me."

 

I wish you luck.

[sandylee1]

All the people telling me that my husband had been preparing for this divorce a long time, I agree with you all. How do I know? I just know reflecting on the last 8 years. How he changed. How he was never spontaneous with me. How he communicated only essential things, hardly sharing his feelings. He only initiated sex 20-25 times, atmost 30 for these last 8 years.

 

Its just that I didn't want to see it that way...

 

I guess I have to accept my fate. But its so hard to let him go.

 

Affairs can change people. Being cheated on can change you. It seems he never really felt safe around you after the A. He probably didn't initiate much because:

 

The sex was so amazing with the OM

His masculinity took a massive hit

His self esteem took a battering

He felt he wasn't good enough if you had to go to another man

 

From his POV the OM outperformed him sexually. That's a very bitter pill to swallow.

 

BS often wonder if sex was better with the AP. He didn't have to ask because from his reading your letter, OM beat him hands down.

 

So he feels he can't satisfy his wife in bed...........that's tough to get through and forget.

[Clay]

Our son was already 1 yr old when I first met the OM.

 

No I did not have any other affair after this one neither did I interact with any male in a deep way after DDay.

 

As for the OM, I quit my job within a week after DDay. I never saw or speak with him again. The affair was streessing me out. The OM was very phony. I am disgusted to say that I was only a convenient lay for him. I didn't see him for who he was in the beginning. I degraded myself so much for something so cheap. Hence I wrote the letter that my H happened to see.

 

It was a relief that my affair was over.

 

I think sadly your not going to really know what all went wrong until you talk to him again. Maybe your right he never really let go of your affair. I know I tried for 10 years total with my xW. She sadly was a serial cheater and still is. Your story rings close to home for me because it was my ninth year I finally started to stand up for myself and tell her I wanted a divorce. Sadly I gave in to her begging one more time and she abused it again by cheating with someone new. I like a few others filed for divorce within a week and it was completed 22 days later.

 

Hopefully you can salvage this but I seriously doubt it. I think your affair was just to long and the fact he had to find out for himself.

 

Sorry.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can only say what my husband has told me - he tried to stay with me because of our son. If we were childless at the time, he would have divorced me right away.

 

Like many others, don't understand why there are so many revenge conspiracy theorists here.

 

Substitute sexual incompatibility, religious differences or any other garden variety marital issue for infidelity here and you have a run-of-the-mill 50% of marriages end this way divorce after 10 years together. Both parties tried to overcome the challenges because there was much at stake, didn't work out.

 

Instead of questioning her H's motives, I give him some credit. How many BS's, especially having caught their WS in such an explicitly red-handed fashion, are willing to invest 8 years in trying to make it work ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[beach]

This is a classic example that when an affair is swept under the rug - that the pain that's been caused - cannot allow a M to heal.

 

Avoiding the pain does not make it go away - it's still sitting there like a simmering pot.

 

Your H has made a decision that he just doesn't want to handle the M anymore. That's his right.

 

Yours is to accept that it's his decision.

 

 

I agree that something caused him to come to this decision... But you may never know that reason...or the reason may become painfully obvious right away.

 

 

There are consequences to actions. This consequence is a delayed reaction. You've had 8 more years to understand the consequence.

 

 

Do you work?

[WasOtherWoman]

I truly believe there is more to the story here.

 

My H's ex had an affair several years into their 20 year marriage. Apparently they worked through it, but some years later there was another "incident" (i never asked for details so am not clear as to exactly what it was).

 

That incident changed my H, he stayed, but for his kids, their home life was stable and pleasant. His kids are well-adjusted and both happily married.

 

He and I met and began an affair six months prior to his last child moving out. As soon as that child moved out, so did he.

 

Something has changed. I think it would be highly unusual for a man to walk out eight years later otherwise.

 

edited to add: regardless though, accept it and move on. I think that is all you can really do. But, I would venture to guess that there will be a "new" girlfriend being introduced sooner rather than later.

Edited July 14, 2015 by WasOtherWoman
edited to add last paragraph.

[2.50 a gallon]

I caught my Ex simply kissing a guard where she worked. In my anger I told her it was unsafe to come home. With no other place to go that night, she went home with the OM. And later moved her things in with him. About a month later she did an about face and begged laying on the floor, with crocodile tears that she would do anything to get me to take her back. That the OM was a body builder, and a heavy drinker, so much so that what little he had he could barely get up.

I was already suffering from mind movies, and that only made it worse. I did not care how great the sex and been with the guys she screwed before with got together. But there was no way I could ever kiss her mouth, that she had used to give another man a BJ to after we had married.

That he was able to have sex with you maybe a total of 30 times in the past few years, says a lot. For me it was at least a year before I could have normal sex again.

Them mind movies just don't go away. Made worse by him knowing the sex with the OM was amazing.

I am sure he has wondered how often during your affair you gave his sloppy seconds, or worse had oral afterwards.