Did I deserve so much punishment?

[turnera]

I understand I have to pay the price. But does our son have to too for the horrible mistakes I have made?

Apparently so.

 

So what YOU can do, moving forward, to make up for it is to make your son's life as easy as possible when it comes to having to live in two different homes. No fighting with the husband (unless he's being a bad father), no badmouthing your husband to your son, being fair and honest in all dealings so that your son comes to feel safe in this new arrangement.

[Seachan]

All the people telling me that my husband had been preparing for this divorce a long time, I agree with you all. How do I know? I just know reflecting on the last 8 years. How he changed. How he was never spontaneous with me. How he communicated only essential things, hardly sharing his feelings. He only initiated sex 20-25 times, atmost 30 for these last 8 years.

 

Its just that I didn't want to see it that way...

 

I guess I have to accept my fate. But its so hard to let him go.

 

Sounds like he was protecting himself from you crushing him again. Living with his walls up for 8 years must have been exhausting for him. And for you. Hope you, your BH and your DS can find peace and joy in the future. Together or apart.

[drifter777]

I never took my son to see the OM. My H knows this. I told him. Whether he believes it or not, I don't know.

 

Since my H has mentioned that letter, I already tried to address it. I tried to tell him how screwed I was mentally when I wrote that. The problem is in his word "Words and bullets cannot be taken back"

There is nothing you can do or say now to take back what you wrote in that letter. That's because he knows that you meant it, sincerely, and anything you have ever said to him over the years is just a lie to minimize the damage. He knows you are just trying to save your ass and will tell him whatever it is you think he wants to hear. I've been there - still am - and trying to take back the things you said and did at the time is a very bad strategy. It would have been better if you told him every filthy detail about the awesome sex you had with OM as it might have helped him believe you about other things. But that's all hindsight now and I don't think it would have made any difference.

 

At the time he wanted to just move past it and make a good home for your child. As the truth about his feelings toward your cheating began to eat him up he made his exit plan. It was probably the only thing that kept him from storming out years ago. Every time he triggered over the years he didn't bother to tell you about it - he just used it to strengthen his resolve regarding his exit plan. And in my opinion a big part of him divorcing you now is punishment for what you did. Whether you call it justice or revenge or vengeance - at some level they are all the same thing. Throwing it in your face now and walking out the door balances the scale in his soul and he feels he can now move forward with his life. He wants a relationship free of the regret and contempt he has felt for years. He's being true to his core beliefs and his moral compass. I salute his courage. He certainly has a lot more than I do.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am not at all pissed at him. I am begging him to come home (he has moved out) and that I will be moving out and give him the space he needs.

 

I am crying everyday. He is hardly responding to my calls. If I am lucky to get him in call, he makes it clear he wouldn't talk to me anything other than our son. If I say "please", he immediately cuts the ca;;

 

The price I am paying is huge. I have a sad boy in my home who misses daddy terribly but knows that mommy and daddy is not getting back together. He is angry and hardly talking to me.

 

I understand I have to pay the price. But does our son have to too for the horrible mistakes I have made?

 

Honestly, contact Divorce Busters.

 

They helped me before.

 

I suspect yiir husband may be cheating and using yiir affair as a catalyst.

 

I am a BS.

My husband has not to this day displayed much remorse for his actions, nor done very much in even listening to what I would need to reconcile.

 

Has you husband asked for anything as a high or low-cost behaviour or change from you

that you have put off or procrastinated on?

 

You see my husband currently is going through a sobriety program and being somwhat more active. He has also been a far more attentive father as of late.

 

Although his lack of sobriety made him a total irresponsible trainwreck, and I fully praise his efforts in that read as well as parenting etc.......there seems to be this sense that his sobriety and better parenting (and offers to help with my work) will somehow trigger a reconciliation.

 

They won't. In fact, I spent a good portion of last night crying, knowing that despite his efforts in those areas, and despite the fact that Have loved him so deeply: I don't trust him and he has still withheld exactly what I would need to feel saFe and loved in our relationship.

 

1. Complete honesty regarding his betrayals of me.

2. No further cheating, verified by photograph (he's done a lot of bullshart over the years)

3. Actual dedication and ACTION to rebuild the intimate portion of our relationship.

4. Actually SHOWING. ME that to him I lovable and attractive.

5. Planning an executing mutual goals in a stable, commits fashion.

6. Expressing and behaving as though my emotional, physical and financial security mattered to him.

7. Putting in effort to have fun with me and connect with me in bed instead of putting it off Luke is some awful chore, then "starfishing" when he does get around it. Rarely at that.

 

Truly, most notably for me, nothing else would "make up" for the lack of sex and intimacy coupled by the sexual betrayal. He can be "#1 Sober Dad!" and that's great. But that doesn't show ME that I matter it any of the ways I want to matter to a partner. I so badly want to be someone's lover and actually have someone that ways to touch me intimately. I am tired of being a "Mom and a Bank." And hearing 10000 excuses why that couldn't happen with any regularity.

 

Why should I continue on in a marriage where I am made to f eel as though I am ugly and unwanted. It would eve be better for him to SAY, " it's because you are ugly in X way." Because if t was something I agreed with I might want to do something to correct it, if it were a reasonable thing. And as my partner, he should come to me with concerns and issues, instead of just betraying me.

 

So have you been loving your husband the way that he wants to be loved?

 

Or have you been loving you husband the way you want to be loved?

 

Is he wanting sex and passion and you are detailing his car?

Or would he think detailing his car would be awesome and you keep trying to give him bjs?

 

(People are weird, right?)

 

What did he like about yiir relationship in the beginning?

What's he been asking for?

 

After eight years, did he have the space to be angry and upset over the whole thing?

Or is he passive-aggressive and put it off until now?

 

Sorry if this is rambling.

 

I don't think frying your ass eight years later is okay unless he had long-stands complaints that you refused to address. or treated as unimportant.

 

please forgive any terrible spelling. my phone is awful to post on.

[sandylee1]

I hate to say it, but this marriage should have gone through marriage counseling YEARS ago.

 

 

 

I think she said earlier that he didn't want counselling. Not sure if that was specifically MC. Sometimes people feel MC is pointless because nothing can take away the pain. Time is usually the healer , but not every BS can get passed the betrayal.

 

OP - You shouldn't hold it against him. Unfortunately the affair has affected all three of you. Very sad indeed.

[autumnnight]

I suspect your husband may be cheating and using your affair as a catalyst.

 

This is exactly what I think too. But hey, since she cheated first, it's all good.

[oldshirt]

Like many others, don't understand why there are so many revenge conspiracy theorists here.

 

Substitute sexual incompatibility, religious differences or any other garden variety marital issue for infidelity here and you have a run-of-the-mill 50% of marriages end this way divorce after 10 years together. Both parties tried to overcome the challenges because there was much at stake, didn't work out.

 

Instead of questioning her H's motives, I give him some credit. How many BS's, especially having caught their WS in such an explicitly red-handed fashion, are willing to invest 8 years in trying to make it work ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

This x 100 ^^^^^

 

 

This is just a guy who doesn't want to remain married to his wife anymore. Nothing more. Nothing less.

 

 

When people announce their intentions to divorce, they will cite incidents and injustices going back decades. Heck when my mom and dad got into spats, she would bring up stuff he did 30 or 40 years ago....and they were together until the died.

 

 

Like Mr Lucky, I give Mr Remorseful credit for sucking it up and living with the cheating ho in the house to keep their son under the same roof for another 8 years.

 

 

Having sex with her 30 times over that 8 years?????? He's a bigger stud than me. I probably wouldn't have been able to get it up with her.

 

 

Do I think that she should be punished or that he should seek 'revenge' on her? No, not at all. and I don't see that occurring here.

 

 

All couples have problems. Some they can work through and live with. Some they can not. After 11 years, this guy is wrapping it up. He is giving her warning and stating his intentions and it does not appear that he is doing anything to try to hurt her or bring her any additional pain.

 

 

It's sad that a 9 year old's parents are divorcing as it always is when there are children involved. But this is a garden variety divorce after 11 years of marriage. There are 4.275 million other similar divorces being filed this week along with it.

 

 

Me thinks this affair 8 years ago is a bit of a red herring. Sure it is a factor, but probably just one of many like all divorces.

[the_artist_1970]

I truly believe there is more to the story here.

 

My H's ex had an affair several years into their 20 year marriage. Apparently they worked through it, but some years later there was another "incident" (i never asked for details so am not clear as to exactly what it was).

 

That incident changed my H, he stayed, but for his kids, their home life was stable and pleasant. His kids are well-adjusted and both happily married.

 

He and I met and began an affair six months prior to his last child moving out. As soon as that child moved out, so did he.

 

Something has changed. I think it would be highly unusual for a man to walk out eight years later otherwise.

 

edited to add: regardless though, accept it and move on. I think that is all you can really do. But, I would venture to guess that there will be a "new" girlfriend being introduced sooner rather than later.

 

I agree with this. Something else "happened" for him to just call it quits. The entire story isn't being told. We are only reading one side of the story.

[autumnnight]

I agree with this. Something else "happened" for him to just call it quits. The entire story isn't being told. We are only reading one side of the story.

 

And it could be that the "something" is HIM finding someone else.

 

Before we go down the predictable "since she cheated once she has probably done it repeatedly" road.

[goodyblue]

I don't have a problem with him divorcing. My only problem is he used her affair from nearly a decade ago as the excuse. He took everything she tried to do and squashed it under his boot heel and that is what is sad here.

 

I hope OP realizes she did all she could to to make things right after a significant stumble and she can hold her head high. I would just watch to see how long it takes her BS to start dating.

[harrybrown]

If you found out that he had an A, what would you do?

 

Would you have thrown him out or worked with him for 8 years?

 

Telling you about the D on D day is significant. Your A is still tormenting him.

 

He has been trying to see if the pain will be more with you or more without you.

 

Sorry for your child. Hope that your H will understand the pain and try to help him feel better about the situation.

 

Maybe someone in his family would talk to him about spending some time with your son.

 

Good luck.

[Diezel]

I hope OP realizes she did all she could to to make things right after a significant stumble and she can hold her head high.

 

I just hope OP realizes that in her next relationship, she shouldn't need to come to this point.

[autumnnight]

Me too. I hope if she marries again, has another child, and suffers from post-partem depression, that she will get the help she needs and won;t have to go through it alone.

[DKT3]

I don't have a problem with him divorcing. My only problem is he used her affair from nearly a decade ago as the excuse. He took everything she tried to do and squashed it under his boot heel and that is what is sad here.

 

I hope OP realizes she did all she could to to make things right after a significant stumble and she can hold her head high. I would just watch to see how long it takes her BS to start dating.

 

Again, assuming she did the things he needed her to do.

 

One thing I've learned along the way is you can wish but it won't make them be what we need. The fact is people simply don't leave a marriage right when they find out about infidelity. A lot of information to process, fears to over come.

 

Suggesting that he left for some other reason seems to be a female view point, while most of the men here can relate to OP's BH. It took me 14 months, other have said it took as much as 25 years.

 

Its likely something else happened but who's to say what that was/is.

 

Watching to see how long it takes him to date is flawed. I went on a date three days after I moved out with a women I met two days after I moved out. Men are wired different, I felt rejected and needed the ego boost. Its pretty common for a man to go that route. It wouldn't be a shock if he was in a semi relationship very quickly.

[No Limit]

I don't have a problem with him divorcing. My only problem is he used her affair from nearly a decade ago as the excuse. He took everything she tried to do and squashed it under his boot heel and that is what is sad here.

 

I hope OP realizes she did all she could to to make things right after a significant stumble and she can hold her head high. I would just watch to see how long it takes her BS to start dating.

 

She didn't do all she could, staying faithful being the most obvious choice. It appears all that OP did was go to IC herself and then act like nothing happened at home - which isn't enough. Affairs are never forgotten, I don't understand how you can think it ridiculous to divorce her over it years later, many leave even far later because of it (usually ~20 years when the kids are grown up). He tried for 8 years with a woman who disgusts him so much he could barely touch her - that alone shows what a strong guy he must be, and it's perfectly fine if he decides that he doesn't want to continue to live as a nervous shadow of his former self.

[turnera]

I don't have a problem with him divorcing. My only problem is he used her affair from nearly a decade ago as the excuse. He took everything she tried to do and squashed it under his boot heel and that is what is sad here.

It's possible he's met someone else. It's also possible that, since she seems to downplay the significance of what she did (why can't he just get over it?), after a few months or a year, she just went back to normal because he seemed to have forgiven her. IMO, once someone cheats, they are living on a ledge for at least a good 10 years, to prove - over and over - in many many ways, that they realize how horribly they hurt the other person, how they take sole responsibility, how they're frequently looking at things to see if they can find ways to make life better for their spouse, to make up for it. If I had to guess, she let things go 'back to normal' shortly after and he's been in hell ever since because of it.

[No Limit]

Even if he found another woman he prefers to be in a relationship with - so what? OP did the same. BS's high horse might be gone but that doesn't mean he has to ignore his opportunities; WS has taken herself that liberty as well. Again, they both "wasted" 8 years, they're on equal footing.

[sandylee1]

Suggesting that he left for some other reason seems to be a female view point,

 

Yes. I seem to be the onre of the only females here that believes he just couldn't get past it. I don't understand why it's so hard to accept .

 

If my H cheated when the kids were so young, I could well have decided I didn't want to miss out on spending every day with them. Taking them to playgroup , nursery school, sports days etc.

 

If I left when they were older, it would be because I had formed a very firm impression in their lives. Where they could never forget me , or be told to call his girlfriend Mommy, because they knew me and I could talk to them about H and I divorcing and our new living arrangements etc

 

As the mom I would likely get primary custody, but think about it from a man's POV.

 

I think because one of my brothers got divorced with kids, I have more empathy. There was no cheating involved but he basically said he hadn't been happy in the marriage for the last 7 years or so.

 

If he left then the kids would have been very young. Now , they can jump on the bus to his house.

 

That wouldn't make me vengeful at all. It just means I can't get passed it like those who can in under 5 years.

 

The desire to see my kids everyday, could outweigh the desire not to live with my H at the time of betrayal.

[goodyblue]

She didn't do all she could, staying faithful being the most obvious choice. It appears all that OP did was go to IC herself and then act like nothing happened at home - which isn't enough. Affairs are never forgotten, I don't understand how you can think it ridiculous to divorce her over it years later, many leave even far later because of it (usually ~20 years when the kids are grown up). He tried for 8 years with a woman who disgusts him so much he could barely touch her - that alone shows what a strong guy he must be, and it's perfectly fine if he decides that he doesn't want to continue to live as a nervous shadow of his former self.

 

Then he should have left years ago. You don't know how she tried, she says she tried.

[autumnnight]

I think he probably couldn't get past it either.

 

However, there are a lot of assumptions on this thread. For example, it has been 8 years. The fact that she isn't still prostrate with sackcloth and ashes today does NOT mean she expected him to get over it "in a few months." We don't know how long pain or effort or healing or whatever went on. We just flat don't.

 

Basically, we are all channeling our own experiences and/or our feelings about infidelity in general into educated guesses that most fit our particular bent.

 

All we really know if OP had an affair 8 years ago, made at least some sort of effort, and now her husband wants a divorce, citing the A as the reason. It could be perfectly legitimate or it could be a good cover for having his own affair or anything in between.

[goodyblue]

It's possible he's met someone else. It's also possible that, since she seems to downplay the significance of what she did (why can't he just get over it?), after a few months or a year, she just went back to normal because he seemed to have forgiven her. IMO, once someone cheats, they are living on a ledge for at least a good 10 years, to prove - over and over - in many many ways, that they realize how horribly they hurt the other person, how they take sole responsibility, how they're frequently looking at things to see if they can find ways to make life better for their spouse, to make up for it. If I had to guess, she let things go 'back to normal' shortly after and he's been in hell ever since because of it.

 

Yes yes, I am aware that most BS's n this forum believe they should be allowed to flog the WS for the.rest of their lives.

 

It is sad, it is not right and if, in a couple of years you can't get past it move on.

 

I believe in forgiveness and redemption. I believe in repentance and rising above our failures. If you don't I don't know how you make a marriage work.

[ladydesigner]

Then he should have left years ago. You don't know how she tried, she says she tried.

 

This is the risk a WS takes when R'ing, there are no guarantees at the end. As far as I'm concerned the A can always be used as the end of the M if that is what caused it to start unraveling.

 

There just are no guarantees for anyone really.

 

A marriage can end at any time for any reason.

[No Limit]

Then he should have left years ago. You don't know how she tried, she says she tried.

 

That doesn't mean she is entitled to a marriage for trying. People change their minds everyday, and WSes don't have that much appeal for BSes left.

[beach]

Your title says: Did I deserve so much punishment?

 

Looking at the words you've chosen..

 

Why do you view this as a punishment?

 

Why not view it as his reaction to your actions?

 

It may not be at all about you - it may be that your H just came to the conclusion that he wants more from life.

 

Whether you "deserve" it or not... Can you explain further why you asked it that way?

 

... And how can we possibly know when we don't have all details of what happened, how he reacted then, what you've done since to repair the damage you created, how he participated since, whether or not he re-engaged with you emotionally or whether he just decided to disconnect at that time to protect himself from more pain in the future...?

 

If/since he says he wants to end the M - there's little to change it now...whether you "deserve it" or not - who knows?

[goodyblue]

That doesn't mean she is entitled to a marriage for trying. People change their minds everyday, and WSes don't have that much appeal for BSes left.

 

Exactly. So he should have ended it years ago.