Did I deserve so much punishment?

[Phoenician]

Nobody can judge others, nobody can be in other ppl shoes , you made a big mistake , and now after all those years marriage is collapsing .

 

when I attempted to cheat 2 years back , left the OW in a hotel in Miami like a jerk and came back to my wife confessing to her about my attempt , I expected that she will understand that I love her and will make more efforts to change ...

 

she ended up taking me for granted : " he couldn't do it "...

 

 

now we are seperated and I will divorce her a$$ soon ..

 

while it was at that time a cheating attempt that is immoral to me , now I look at it as a a missed opportunity because my wife doesn't desrve that I come back to her .

 

don't look at it as a punishement ; it is a consequence ...

 

the best you should do now , is that you act like a lady , you write him a letter from the heart , and leave him alone .

stop putting pressure on him ; and be a lady ; don't fight over assets/money , even if you loose some .

 

leave him , if he is yours he will come back , otherwise he was never yours

[SoulStorm]

Exactly. So he should have ended it years ago.

That issue is not for you to determine...it was up to him and his wife. She was willing to stay with him, she could have left also if she felt he wasn't being 100% in the marriage. He may have been trying to see if he could get past it. Maybe it took him 8 years to finally decide. That's not up to any of us to say he should have left...it was his and his wife's decision. Reconciling is a risk for both spouses, WS and BS alike. Who are we to say when one should leave or stay if it's not our relationship?

[WasOtherWoman]

 

Suggesting that he left for some other reason seems to be a female view point, while most of the men here can relate to OP's BH. It took me 14 months, other have said it took as much as 25 years.

 

.

 

I think that you need to acknowledge that you "Loveshack Men" are a bit different than most men in that you actually talk about things. In my humble opinion, you are more enlightened than most men that way.

 

It has been my experience through my life that men rarely "upend" their lives voluntarily. And generally speaking, they often get the short end of the stick legally also. A wise friend once said to me "men don't leave unless their wives throw them out, or they meet someone they want to be with more." Look at how few MM actually leave and begin a relationship with their affair partner. In the situation of infidelity, some men take steps to get out of the marriage immediately, some allow a few months or a few years to try to reconcile. But eight years? I don't know. My gut (which is rarely wrong, unfortunately) tells me there is more going on here. Eight years is a long time back in someone's comfy life.

 

Some men do leave after "forgiving" infidelity many years later. In the case of my husband, he always intended to leave once his last child did. He met me six months prior. Was I the catalyst? I am sure that I certainly helped. But would he truly have upended his entire life after twenty some years of marriage over an infidelity that had happened ten years prior. I don' t know.....

 

I still believe something has happened here. I know you nice men of Loveshack disagree, but, you truly are a bit of a different breed of men, in my humble opinion.

[understand50]

I think that you need to acknowledge that you "Loveshack Men" are a bit different than most men in that you actually talk about things. In my humble opinion, you are more enlightened than most men that way.

 

It has been my experience through my life that men rarely "upend" their lives voluntarily. And generally speaking, they often get the short end of the stick legally also. A wise friend once said to me "men don't leave unless their wives throw them out, or they meet someone they want to be with more." Look at how few MM actually leave and begin a relationship with their affair partner. In the situation of infidelity, some men take steps to get out of the marriage immediately, some allow a few months or a few years to try to reconcile. But eight years? I don't know. My gut (which is rarely wrong, unfortunately) tells me there is more going on here. Eight years is a long time back in someone's comfy life.

 

Some men do leave after "forgiving" infidelity many years later. In the case of my husband, he always intended to leave once his last child did. He met me six months prior. Was I the catalyst? I am sure that I certainly helped. But would he truly have upended his entire life after twenty some years of marriage over an infidelity that had happened ten years prior. I don' t know.....

 

I still believe something has happened here. I know you nice men of Loveshack disagree, but, you truly are a bit of a different breed of men, in my humble opinion.

 

 

I agree with you. Something is going on. We only see what the OP posts, so we know a very broad picture. I think the way he is leaving, as if he just found out about the affair, does not ring true, but who am I?

 

I think that this tread hits a nerve in so many, as the questions that it asks: Is reconciliation possible? Can a WS redeem themselves? What is it they have to do? How does a BS accept and trust again? Is the answer always divorce? These run deep for everyone here.

 

I hold that the answers are with each person, and each marriage, and what is best and reality for one person is not the same for another.

 

I have compassion for remorseful_tab, as in her mind after messing up, she did all she could to make it right during the 8 years past the A. I feel for her husband, as if he just can not live with this after all these years, he now has to give up his family. I wish their son would not have the hurt and pain by all this. I do not see anyway this ends "good". The only thing I would advise to "remorseful_tab" is to let it play out, be a good mom to her kid, and be a good wife to her husband, as much as he will let her at this time. Accept what is coming, divorce, but try and live a decent life for herself and child.

[DKT3]

Its not the reach that some want to make it out to be.

 

In my situation I simply delayed it for a week, then another week and another. A year later I was in the same spot. It was 14 months before I walked out.

 

Years ago when that movie Unfaithful came out with Richard Gere and Diane Lane the reveiws where mixed, oddly right down gender lines, women hated that movie. Female reviewers called it unreal. The common line of thought was no woman would ever cheat on a man that good looking, that loving and caring. What we have here is the same mindset that is driving this conversation that is the man has to be doing something wrong. The fear that its sometimes not the case. She made a poor decision to have an affair then in her mind everything right to make up for it since, but he still left.

 

From what the OP has wrote her husband hasn't changed since he found out. He has ALWAYS been distant, he has ALWAYS been uninterested in sex, he has ALWAYS been disconnected and doesn't engage. I don't see how the leap he being made to another woman.

[No Limit]

Exactly. So he should have ended it years ago.

 

"He should have"? Isn't being around your child in its first years of life - and when raising-work is the hardest - reason enough to stay (and likely he tried to convince himself this way as well)?

Why didn't she end it then? She could have left anytime.

[sandylee1]

She didn't do all she could, staying faithful being the most obvious choice. .

 

I don't think it's about the OP not doing all she could. She could have moved mountains and it still wouldn't be enough. She couldn't undo the damage that was done.

 

It's like when a WS told his wife the best sex he ever had was with his OW, then he says he never meant it and said it out of anger.....of course now this BW is only staying to get her finances together........then divorce, because she can't ever get over it.

 

It's not revenge ....just a case of can't fake it anymore.

 

You can't uncrack an egg.

[goodyblue]

"He should have"? Isn't being around your child in its first years of life - and when raising-work is the hardest - reason enough to stay (and likely he tried to convince himself this way as well)?

Why didn't she end it then? She could have left anytime.

 

SHE was trying to reconcile. HE was biding his time for whatever reason. Jesus. Why would she leave? You know what? If I said it was day people would argue it is night. What is the point? Feels like a mob. Hope someone brought tar and feathers.

Edited July 14, 2015 by goodyblue

[irishguy]

I think he tried and stayed as long as he could but something changed , maybe just advice from a friend telling him if hes not happy there is no point dragging it out any longer , only he knows why he waited so long .

[Phoenician]

She didn't do all she could, staying faithful being the most obvious choice. It appears all that OP did was go to IC herself and then act like nothing happened at home - which isn't enough. Affairs are never forgotten, I don't understand how you can think it ridiculous to divorce her over it years later, many leave even far later because of it (usually ~20 years when the kids are grown up). He tried for 8 years with a woman who disgusts him so much he could barely touch her - that alone shows what a strong guy he must be, and it's perfectly fine if he decides that he doesn't want to continue to live as a nervous shadow of his former self.

 

first of all , who are you or me to judge her , maybe she is a b may be he is a jerk , but we don't have the right to judge .

 

do u think that she just woke up one day and decided to cheat ?

if he is not intimate to her ; he also helped her to cheat ; she is not inncoent but i don't understand how was she able to do it more than a year ; there are only 2 possibilities :

either he doesnt care about her ,or she is a great actress .

but still no women in the world can hide her emotions for a year .

we don't have all details ...

but what is imp is that now we are not her to hang her ; we just need to advise her .

 

i advise her to cool down , and avoid anything that could accelerate issues

[LoveMachine67]

SHE was trying to reconcile. HE was biding his time for whatever reason. Jesus. Why would she leave? You know what? If I said it was day people would argue it is night. What is the point? Feels like a mob. Hope someone brought tar and feathers.

 

Don't forget the pitchforks too! Obviously some people want WSOs' to pay for life, without the possibility of redemption.

[turnera]

Yes yes, I am aware that most BS's n this forum believe they should be allowed to flog the WS for the.rest of their lives.

 

It is sad, it is not right and if, in a couple of years you can't get past it move on.

 

I believe in forgiveness and redemption. I believe in repentance and rising above our failures. If you don't I don't know how you make a marriage work.

ABSOLUTELY not what I said.

 

I said that the CHEATER should be spending the next 10 years PROVING that they learned not to do it again and making it clear to the betrayed that they made a good decision to keep the marriage.

 

I said nothing about what the betrayed should be doing.

 

IMO, ANYONE who cheats OWES that much to the betrayed person if the BS gives the WS another chance.

 

And no, I'm not talking about kissing the person's ass, flogging himself/herself, or wearing a scarlet letter. I'm talking about never taking the marriage for granted; thinking about the BS in many, different ways in terms of how to make their life good; meeting the BS's Emotional Needs; removing one's Love Busters so the BS doesn't have reason to be unhappy; keeping open conversation going at all times; being honest at all times; asking the BS occasionally if the FWS can do anything to reassure the BS; and being vigilant so that it never even APPEARS like the FWS might be cheating again. Basically, REMEMBERING every single day that he/she ripped out the heart of the BS and making it a point to not do it again.

[jnel921]

This is tough on a BS. Almost 3 years near DDay I still hurt and have thoughts that I have not shared with my WH. I would think that if I still felt this way 5 years from now I may want to live whatever life I have left alone. Deciding to try to make it work with someone who lied and cheated isn't the easiest. We have compromised more to stay.

 

A year and 4 months is a long time to deceive your H. I know this would have been a dealbreaker for me. I am sure had your H not found out and given you an ultimatum perhaps you wouldn't have stopped your A.

 

Your H may feel regret about asking you to try. The effort probably was not enough to convince him.the point of R after an A is to rebuild the M and fall in love again.

 

That love may be gone. He probably gave it his best effort. Respect the fact that he is being honest with you and would rather not continue in the M.

[goodyblue]

OP, don't keep beating yourself up for something that happened 8 years ago. Please know that you are a valuable person, that you are somebody's mother, that you have much to offer the world.

 

If your h wants out, let him go. You don't need to be punished forever despite what the people here think. Turn off your computer, go outside and live. Don't listen to negative comments from posters who want you to feel horrible, all you can do is forgive yourself and move on.

 

Hang in there.

[beach]

Some things just can't be repaired.

 

After 20 years married I ended my M with a simple phone call that stated clearly "don't bother coming home - I know about your gal".

 

 

It was over for me. I had no need to listen to any excuses he might want to dream up.

 

 

When I made that decision - nothing he could say would change my mind.

 

 

 

Have you done "anything" at all to raise your husbands suspicion in the past year or so?

[turnera]

You don't need to be punished forever despite what the people here think.

 

Don't listen to negative comments from posters who want you to feel horrible, all you can do is forgive yourself and move on.

I don't recall anyone saying she should be punished forever. She asked if she deserved the 'punishment' of him divorcing her. For her cheating. And the answer is yes, if that is what he wants or needs.

 

And I don't see anyone here who 'wants' her to feel horrible. We want her to wake up and take responsibility for her actions instead of blaming her HUSBAND for leaving. If there was ever a wayward mentality, this proves it. She has learned nothing. And he's probably been sitting back and WATCHING that wayward (read: selfish) mentality for the last 8 years and just gave up. Hoping she'd get it and change. And then gave up.

 

Anyway wayward, former or current, who says 'why me' just doesn't get it. Doesn't see the gravity of how they hurt who they supposedly loved. Not really.

 

So people are trying to get her to open her eyes to just how BAD it was, what she did. So she can start being more selfless and less selfish. Not to make US feel good, since we're anonymous and not involved in their lives. But for HER, her child, maybe her husband. Because there's one thing they DO all deserve, and that's for her to learn and grow from this. Just patting her on the back and saying 'there there' does nothing to help her see this from outside her self-absorbed snowglobe.

[goodyblue]

I don't recall anyone saying she should be punished forever. She asked if she deserved the 'punishment' of him divorcing her. For her cheating. And the answer is yes, if that is what he wants or needs.

 

And I don't see anyone here who 'wants' her to feel horrible. We want her to wake up and take responsibility for her actions instead of blaming her HUSBAND for leaving. If there was ever a wayward mentality, this proves it. She has learned nothing. And he's probably been sitting back and WATCHING that wayward (read: selfish) mentality for the last 8 years and just gave up. Hoping she'd get it and change. And then gave up.

 

Anyway wayward, former or current, who says 'why me' just doesn't get it. Doesn't see the gravity of how they hurt who they supposedly loved. Not really.

 

So people are trying to get her to open her eyes to just how BAD it was, what she did. So she can start being more selfless and less selfish. Not to make US feel good, since we're anonymous and not involved in their lives. But for HER, her child, maybe her husband. Because there's one thing they DO all deserve, and that's for her to learn and grow from this. Just patting her on the back and saying 'there there' does nothing to help her see this from outside her self-absorbed snowglobe.

 

You have absolutely NO proof that any of your 'scenario' happened. You are.totally guessing! You have no idea of the dynamic of their marriage and yes, LOTS of posters think WS should suffer forever or at least always feel a little lower. No. You have no right to make.someone go through that and if you do I hope they run.

 

Have a good evening.

[RightThere]

Anyway wayward, former or current, who says 'why me' just doesn't get it. Doesn't see the gravity of how they hurt who they supposedly loved. Not really.

 

So people are trying to get her to open her eyes to just how BAD it was, what she did. So she can start being more selfless and less selfish. Not to make US feel good, since we're anonymous and not involved in their lives. But for HER, her child, maybe her husband. Because there's one thing they DO all deserve, and that's for her to learn and grow from this. Just patting her on the back and saying 'there there' does nothing to help her see this from outside her self-absorbed snowglobe.

 

I don't wish anything bad for any WS other than the hope they can reconcile as well. However I totally agree with this.

 

Do 8 years of good marriage make you even for over a year of cheating?

 

I'm sorry, but no. That is the risk you run when you engage in an affair. There is no timeline whereby it's now unfair for the BS to leave the marriage. You didn't offer him a timeline of "You've got 1 year to be a good husband or I'm going to sleep with someone else," so why do you expect that from him?

 

You don't have to live in purgatory forever because of an affair. But there is no point where your husband is not allowed to leave you anymore.

[beach]

And a BS ending the M isn't usually a punishment.

 

It's a choice/decision... 'Usually' made knowing that a better life may be possible by ending the M.

[dragon_fly_7]

I think he tried his best but just couldn't understand how a wife that claims to love her husband would cheat and not only for a couple days nor even a drunken ONS but a whole blown affair for over a year.

 

 

I'm guessing that if he had never found out about the OP's affair, confronted her nor state the conditions of what to do, she would have kept going on. The problem is it took getting caught and forced to select and option to start suddenly feeling remorse and do the rebuilding trust. I think her husband must have been thinking about this all those year and eventually stopped feeling that unique love he felt towards her before the cheating.

 

 

I think that if she had confessed instead, maybe her husband might have taken it that she was truly remorseful instead of that forced working it out and reconcialiation when getting caught....forcing an affair to end. I'm sure this enrages the person who got cheated on more than just the actual cheating: the lying, hiding and making the right choice when caught and forced to.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't recall anyone saying she should be punished forever.

LOTS of posters think WS should suffer forever or at least always feel a little lower.

 

Maybe the broken part of this isn't either spouse or their post-affair actions but simply the relationship itself. Between her infidelity and guilt and his resentment and detachment, you could simply have a marriage too fractured to endure.

 

Doesn't mean, in the last 8 years, either of them did anything wrong. And that they made it this far might indicate both worked hard and did many right things.

 

No bad guys here, just didn't work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sweet_pea]

That issue is not for you to determine...it was up to him and his wife. She was willing to stay with him, she could have left also if she felt he wasn't being 100% in the marriage. He may have been trying to see if he could get past it. Maybe it took him 8 years to finally decide. That's not up to any of us to say he should have left...it was his and his wife's decision. Reconciling is a risk for both spouses, WS and BS alike. Who are we to say when one should leave or stay if it's not our relationship?

 

This… I totally agree. The thing here is that people who have no clue what it's like to be betrayed don't get that yes, it may have happened a while ago, but that doesn't mean that the effects and pain of it leave you forever. And I don't think it's wrong for him to have tried to work on the marriage for however long he did and realize in the end it isn't what's right for him. It's silly that certain people here assume that he planned to leave this whole time and stayed in order to trick his wife, or this or that when none of us know what's happening from his pov aside from what his wife is sharing.

[goodyblue]

This… I totally agree. The thing here is that people who have no clue what it's like to be betrayed don't get that yes, it may have happened a while ago, but that doesn't mean that the effects and pain of it leave you forever. And I don't think it's wrong for him to have tried to work on the marriage for however long he did and realize in the end it isn't what's right for him. It's silly that certain people here assume that he planned to leave this whole time and stayed in order to trick his wife, or this or that when none of us know what's happening from his pov aside from what his wife is sharing.

 

You mean like your post just assumed?

[autumnnight]

I'm talking about never taking the marriage for granted; thinking about the BS in many, different ways in terms of how to make their life good; meeting the BS's Emotional Needs; removing one's Love Busters so the BS doesn't have reason to be unhappy; keeping open conversation going at all times; being honest at all times; asking the BS occasionally if the FWS can do anything to reassure the BS; and being vigilant

 

And of course, in a REAL marrtage, the BS would being doing these things for the WS too, correct? Or does the WS do this with zero need meeting or reciprocation from the BS.....

[velvette]

The OP hasn't provided enough detail to know for sure what has happened here.

 

 

It is telling though that she started by saying everything had been great for the last 8 years and later she is confirming that her H has been distant and only initiated sex several times a year which I assume by her pointing out was not normal. And, indeed it would not be normal in a healthy M.

 

 

If she is just coming to this realization, then there was a huge disconnect apparently not being acknowledged by either of them.

 

 

My guess is they rugswept the A issues or didn't know how to handle them or get help to handle them and they have been festering. Why that happened is up to the OP to figure out.

 

 

So they both may have been trying their best, but if youre working hard at the wrong thing, that really isn't going to get you where you need to go.