Stuck

[Zara23]

Not sure what I am looking for here advice, ideas, clarifications.

This is my first post and thanks for reading.

 

A brief overview:

 

I have been married for 7 years and have a 5 year old son. Currently I am 35 and she is 33. Prior to this relationship I had only a couple of long term relationships and have found it hard to meet people. I am a an introvert and it takes me time to feel comfortable with people. To put it mildly, I have always struggled with relationships or any kind. In addition, I was diagnosed with depression in 8th grade and have been medicated ever since. Depression has a long and nasty shadow throughout my mother's side of the family. We both have good paying jobs, and money is never an issue.

 

 

About two years after my son was born things became more and more distant and I began contemplating that this was not working. When we tried to have conversations about the issues we were facing I would be told to be honest and when I was, it felt like everything was thrown back at me. With time I began to communicate less and less because of this. In the past she would always ask my opinion about things but never follow through with them and so with time I stop giving responses since it seemed my opinion did not matter. She also had not interests other than our son and myself. There seemed to be a gradual breakdown of the relationship.

 

That gradualism became a rush when at work I met someone that started as an acquaintance then then moved to emotional and a little physical. Basically I fell deeply in love with this person in a way I had never experienced. We challenged each other each of us have similar senses of humor and are very cerebral/intellectual. This relationship developed over about 2 years time.

 

At the same time I felt a deep duty and concern for my son who was struggling with his speech and he began receiving special education speech services. I felt that I needed to stay to make sure he got what he needed since he was not progressing in this area. In addition, my wife was very permissive with our son's behavior and it was extremely frustrating, since I felt that I was always the bad cop. The thought of not seeing him on a regular basis is really hard too. We did get counseling for a time but that went nowhere. She and I talked separating which over time became discussions on divorce but she was very against it.

 

The women I mentioned above moved on about a year ago due to how long things were taking, which I do not blame her for. At that time I began seeing a psychologist and wanted to try to get some perspective and a way to process things. My wife and I do not sleep in the same bed and barely talk. We spend Christmas, holidays, and vacations apart. To live, I have put all my energy into my son, work, drawing, and exercise. All these things are going really well. This seems to help me get through the day, but I feel that it distracts me from the bigger issue at hand. That being the relationship.

 

 

She wants to work on the relationship but I feel there is no connection between the two of us whether it be emotional, intellectual or physical and would prefer to just move on with life. Often I just feel numb or frustrated with life in general.

[coryreply]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It's not easy.

 

I'm curious, what was it about your wife that made you want to marry her?

[Zara23]

Thanks.

 

Originally it was because of how she accepted me for who I was. This was rather new for me and I was very self-conscious and insecure of myself even though I had no real need to be. It was a great feeling and for me, something I never experienced.

 

My career really forced me to become more secure and I grown in leaps and bounds over the years.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife and I do not sleep in the same bed and barely talk.

 

She wants to work on the relationship.

 

How does your wife reconcile these two obviously contradictory things ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zara23]

Hi Mr. Lucky,

 

I am not clear on what her answer would be or how she reconciles this, other then she really does not want to separate or divorce.

 

Thanks for the response

[Tayla]

If you could have a magic wand and cast some empowering images of the life you want... what would it be? What ways can you try something new to revitalize the marriage? It can be a walk to a park.... get to know your wife as a lady. Find out together what you can do to make it easier... not harder to have that solid family unit. I sincerely think that you can achieve a good family life and marriage, you just need to learn how to communicate and try new things. Go to a movie... be friends... find common ground.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi Mr. Lucky,

 

I am not clear on what her answer would be or how she reconciles this, other then she really does not want to separate or divorce.

 

Thanks for the response

 

That she would want to continue to live this way would scare me more than anything else you've said to this point. What a waste of lives, both yours and hers.

 

Do you feel she has the capacity for change ??? Do you think at some level she suspects you've been unfaithful?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zara23]

Mr. Lucky,

 

Thanks for the follow up.

 

This is were my frustrations are. I often feel that I am just wasting time and thus have really focused on other things such as my son, drawing, working out, and my career to get me through the days.

 

I do not think she has that capacity for change. That has always been something she struggles with while my life is more of a constant evolution.

 

In addition, she is aware of my unfaithfulness with the other women.

[coryreply]

Have you shown any remorse for your unfaithfulness? When you were seeing the psychologist, was it just about you and your personal growth or was it also about trying to get your marriage back on track?

[Mr. Lucky]

In addition, she is aware of my unfaithfulness with the other women.

 

Women? As in more than one?

 

Were she's posting, I'm sure myself and others would ask questions about her reasons for wanting to remain in the marriage. Bit she's not and, based on your actions, the opposite questions would seem to apply to you - why haven't you physically left? It would seem sexually and emotionally, you're already gone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zara23]

Women? As in more than one?

 

Were she's posting, I'm sure myself and others would ask questions about her reasons for wanting to remain in the marriage. Bit she's not and, based on your actions, the opposite questions would seem to apply to you - why haven't you physically left? It would seem sexually and emotionally, you're already gone...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

No, just one.

 

I have not left because of my concerns for my son and not being able to see him everyday. Otherwise you are correct.

[Zara23]

Have you shown any remorse for your unfaithfulness? When you were seeing the psychologist, was it just about you and your personal growth or was it also about trying to get your marriage back on track?

 

 

I feel bad about hurting her.

 

When I am with the psychiatrist it is about processing where things are at and personal growth.

[coryreply]

Women? As in more than one?

 

Were she's posting, I'm sure myself and others would ask questions about her reasons for wanting to remain in the marriage. Bit she's not and, based on your actions, the opposite questions would seem to apply to you - why haven't you physically left? It would seem sexually and emotionally, you're already gone...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It sounds like your wife is scared to leave, or feels a moral obligation to stick around.

 

Zara: Divorce is a horrible, horrible thing. Even in the best of situations, it's still not great. If you have any fight for your marriage left in you, I would recommend giving it at least one more shot. Obviously, your wife would have to be willing to work with you.