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HOLY @*#&@ She wants me back...after leaving me 5 months ago!?!?!

Forget About Her

By Forget About Her
in Second Chances

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Forget About Her Established Member

Forget About Her

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This girl put me through hell after our breakup. She moved out of the house we lived in together for 4 years, and she immediately started dating someone else. She broke up with him about a month ago, and recently she has been sending me text messages and calling me. She wants to give it another shot. She says her heart says she should be with me, but her head is telling her she should be with her recently ex=boyfriend.

 

I love this girl, still, and want to be with her, but I don't know if it's the right thing. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!

agnf666 Established Member

agnf666

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Go for it if you really love her. Take it slow. Don't let her move back in so soon. She needs to regain that with in the relationship. So, just go on causal dates. Start talking agian and see if this is what you want. If you really can't see the two of you together then just tell her no!!!

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

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Maybe you can let her know that when her head AND her heart are in the same place: with you, that she is more than welcome to give you a call. Tell her that when she is over her breakup, then and only then would a second chance be a good idea. Otherwise, she needs to leave you alone so that you can start trying to repair that fresh rip she made in your heart by calling you up all this time just to give you the same old wishy-washy 'stuck between two men' stuff. As long as she is still has this other guy in mind, she cannot give you a fair shot at a second chance.

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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First off, congrats.

 

Secondly - SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE. What's the big rush?! Do some investigation, find out if she changed at all.

 

I think you should be forgiving -- but also SKEPTICAL! Don't set yourself up for another heartbreak if you find out she hasn't changed her mindset to make the relationship work.

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Forget About Her Established Member

Forget About Her

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Thanks so much for your responses. I never saw myself ever being in a position like this. I waited so long to hear her say that, and when it finally happens, I'm not sure if I want her back. I'm like killing myself over this.

 

I thought it was done with and finished. I hadn't heard from her in a while, and then all of the sudden BLAM!!!! I asked her why she is saying this all of the sudden, and her response is that she can't supress her love for me. She told me that she could see herself being with this new guy for the rest of her life, but she stiill loves me. I don't think i'm ready to commit to someone who can see themselves being with someone else...

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

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I just went back and looked at an older post of yours: are you still with this new girl you met?

 

your other thread

 

I would definitely re-read your post carefully. On April 26th, you posted:

 

Last week, she sent me a long email about how she can't get back together with me, and she just wants to be friends.

 

She hasn't had enough time to make the necessary changes to make a second chance work, I don't think.

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by Forget About Her

Thanks so much for your responses. I never saw myself ever being in a position like this. I waited so long to hear her say that, and when it finally happens, I'm not sure if I want her back. I'm like killing myself over this.

 

I thought it was done with and finished. I hadn't heard from her in a while, and then all of the sudden BLAM!!!! I asked her why she is saying this all of the sudden, and her response is that she can't supress her love for me. She told me that she could see herself being with this new guy for the rest of her life, but she stiill loves me. I don't think i'm ready to commit to someone who can see themselves being with someone else...

 

Be skeptical but don't show her that.

Take it slow.

Make sure she has changed.

 

I have a sneaky suspicion something isn't right. Way too out of the blue.

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Forget About Her Established Member

Forget About Her

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ConfusedinOC...i'm completely with you on this one bro. What do you think it could be? I'm going to talk to her tonight, but I have no clue what to say. I told her already that I don't think I want to work it out, and she was like "Okay, bye.". Just like that...no feeling, no questions, just "Okay, bye."

 

What the hell is going on. I don't know what to say to her when I talk to her tonight...

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by Forget About Her

ConfusedinOC...i'm completely with you on this one bro. What do you think it could be? I'm going to talk to her tonight, but I have no clue what to say. I told her already that I don't think I want to work it out, and she was like "Okay, bye.". Just like that...no feeling, no questions, just "Okay, bye."

 

What the hell is going on. I don't know what to say to her when I talk to her tonight...

 

Questions to ask:

 

1. What have you been up to since we broke up?

2. What happened with your last relationship?

3. Why the revelation that I am the right guy all the sudden, what brought it on?

 

Find out if anything has changed in her life. Any trajeties? I mean, I hate to sound like a skeptic but if my ex came back to me all the sudden -- especially after a recent breakup -- I'd have to wonder what the motivation was. She loves me but wasn't IN love with me. If she loved you and broke up, WHY? What changed between then and now? Has her attitude changed?

 

I mean, once you get to talking you can figure out what to ask her but I mean, I would really be skeptical about this because she hurt you once, she'll do it again.

 

Also, don't be clingy, don't give in too fast, make her earn your love all over again. Because if she means it, she will.....

dgiirl Established Member

dgiirl

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She also needs to know that she hurt you badly and that she cant do that ever again. I'm praying something like that will happen for me. But I've already decided, if it did, we're going to counselling. I'd need to know why he left, why he didnt talk to me, why he didnt try to work things out.

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by dgiirl

She also needs to know that she hurt you badly and that she cant do that ever again. I'm praying something like that will happen for me. But I've already decided, if it did, we're going to counselling. I'd need to know why he left, why he didnt talk to me, why he didnt try to work things out.

 

Agreed! If they'll hurt you once, what's to stop them from doing that again.

 

The only way the ex could convince me that she has changed is to say "I'll marry you..." otherwise I am sure it'd just be more roller-coaster rides from her of which I'm glad I am off. No more sick to the stomach feelings ;)

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Forget About Her Established Member

Forget About Her

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We've already talked about most of those points...here are the answers:

 

1. She dated "new guy" for a few months. They had a very intense relationship. She claims to not have hooked up with any other guys since then. She has been going out more often than she used to. She's been drinking a little bit.

 

2. "New guy" told her that he loved her after 2 and a half months, what the ****. He doesn't know anything about her past. She used to be a stripper, coke head, drug dealer...etc. I forgot the exact reason they broke up, but she says she is still in love with me.

 

3. Her heart is telling her that she should be with me. She wants me to treat her like her ex-new guy.

 

She seems like she is playing games. She doesn't seem like she wants to put any effort into getting back together. I told her to come over tonight and talk to me about it, but she says she can't. I'm 22, she's 24, it's not like she's not allowed out. If this was important to her, wouldn't she change her plans or blow off whoever she is hanging out with?!?

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by Forget About Her

1. She dated "new guy" for a few months. They had a very intense relationship. She claims to not have hooked up with any other guys since then. She has been going out more often than she used to. She's been drinking a little bit.

 

Red flag #1

 

2. "New guy" told her that he loved her after 2 and a half months, what the ****. He doesn't know anything about her past. She used to be a stripper, coke head, drug dealer...etc. I forgot the exact reason they broke up, but she says she is still in love with me.

 

Red flag #2

 

3. Her heart is telling her that she should be with me. She wants me to treat her like her ex-new guy.

 

Red flag #3

 

She seems like she is playing games. She doesn't seem like she wants to put any effort into getting back together. I told her to come over tonight and talk to me about it, but she says she can't. I'm 22, she's 24, it's not like she's not allowed out. If this was important to her, wouldn't she change her plans or blow off whoever she is hanging out with?!?

 

Run away. Run far, far away...as fast as you can.....

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Forget About Her Established Member

Forget About Her

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i really want to get to the bottom of all this **** though. I know that I'm going to talk to her tonight, and i need some difinitive questions to ask her....I just wish I knew.

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by Forget About Her

i really want to get to the bottom of all this **** though. I know that I'm going to talk to her tonight, and i need some difinitive questions to ask her....I just wish I knew.

 

I think you already do. Looks like to me she's playing games.

 

Don't be her puppet...

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Forget About Her Established Member

Forget About Her

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The biggest thing that throws me off is the fact that she seemed not to care when I said that I don't want to work it out. She has a very "whatever" attitude with this whole thing. I remember when i was trying to get back with her, I was very emotional and very concerned with the outcome. She just doesn't seem to care either way. Like "You want to get back together or not...Let me know, I have a tee-time at 1"...lol

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Originally posted by Forget About Her

The biggest thing that throws me off is the fact that she seemed not to care when I said that I don't want to work it out. She has a very "whatever" attitude with this whole thing. I remember when i was trying to get back with her, I was very emotional and very concerned with the outcome. She just doesn't seem to care either way. Like "You want to get back together or not...Let me know, I have a tee-time at 1"...lol

 

Could be a product of abusing alcohol and/or drugs. Seems pretty consistent with someone who is. If you know she has this history and can deal with, go for it.

 

I caution you to take it very, very slow.

moon Established Member

moon

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She told me that she could see herself being with this new guy for the rest of her life, but she stiill loves me.

 

If I were in your situation, knowing what I know now (I got dumped six months ago) I would make the girl beg. Seriously. I have been in your shoes so I'm not just saying that. But seriously, I would move very slow. I would put yourself as number one in your list of priorities. If things work out great. When the trust is regained you can start merging into a couple again. But I might be inclined to tell the girl....if you think you might want your other ex back then go and give it another try. If she is really serious about you, the thought of that will hurt her and she'll start begging. If she is really not so sure, she might go and try to get things started again with her other ex. Then you'll be back where you started, yet at least you'll know that she didn't really mean business and if she doesn't really mean business then you'll be back to square one in no time no matter what.

 

Second of all...

 

She used to be a stripper, coke head, drug dealer...etc.

 

Are you serious??? Is she still living this lifestyle? Make sure she's clean and sober before taking her on again.

 

Good luck..... I hope things work out. I think I'll be feeling a bit of excitement the day my ex contacts me like this again. Knowing our up and down history, something tells me if I do not contact him for a long time, he will probably come around again. It's been known to happen---not that I am waiting for it. I'm moving to Europe in the fall so like I give a sh*t......but it would be nice to have him TRY even though we had such a messy and hard, hard break up.

 

Anyway, hope things work out in YOUR favor this time.

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Forget About Her Established Member

Forget About Her

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UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE~!!!!

 

Thanks again for everyone's input. Just for some clarification, she's been clean for over 5 years, and now has a master's degree; she is doing very well and does not lead that type of lifestyle anymore, I only mentioned it because it really bothered me while we were together.

 

We talked for an hour or so, and went back and forth back and forth back and forth... If you remember, she had a boyfriend for the last few months, and although she broke up with him, she is still "best friends" with him, and sees him everyday. Here are some highlights from the conversation...

 

"I love "new boyfriend", but I'm not in love with him, I'm in love with you!"

"My heart tells me to be with you, buy my head tells me to be with "new boyfriend".

 

One point that stood out was that she was BEGGING me to tell her how many girls I have slept with since we broke up. She wouldn't leave that alone and actually was begging me to tell her. Of course, I didn't give in, b/c I enjoy having something to hang over her head, haha.

 

I told her about the new girl I'm seeing, and of course she had plenty of deragotry remarks about her, even though she has never met her and has no idea who she is. She seemed like she wasn't even trying to get back together. She said that she wanted to give it another shot, and when I said "no", she was just like "okay, whatever, that's fine."

 

One big part of the conversation was that she told me that she told her "new boyfriend" that she loves him, after 3-4 months of being with him, and after 5 years of being with me. I got a little choked up on the phone, b/c that really hurt. How could she tell someone that she loves them after being with me for so long. I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore and we hung up. She called back and asked me not to be upset, that she doesn't want to see me upset. We talked for a little more and I told her there was no point in us being friends.

 

I think it's really over now, and I don't see her calling me again. So that's how it went :)

ConfusedInOC Established Member

ConfusedInOC

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Well I'm glad it's working out for you. I think it's very low classed of her to call you and tell you that she's in love with you but loves her current b/f. What a confusing message!

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Forget About Her Established Member

Forget About Her

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Yea, I couldn't believe when she said that she had told him that she loved him. I wanted to bitch slap the phone when I heard that. I told her she was a lunatic for even getting attached to someone so quickly after a 5 year relationship. It makes me feel like what we had was complete bullsh*t....maybe it was.

 

Either way, I'm not just going to let her walk back into my life...she's going to have to earn her spot, and I really don't know what she could do at this point to earn it. I told her that i still loved her, and she said "I love you" back, but i don't think it's going to work out. I told her when her head and heart come into alignment, give me a call...Don't think I'll be getting that call.

 

It's very sad, but it's nothing like it was before. This was a step in the right direction. I've adjusted to life without her, so we'll see how things go :)

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