should i be worried or what?

[jealousorrational23]

ok so I have super super bad anxiety and really terrible trust issues so a lot of times i never know if i'm just making something out of nothing or if there's geniunely something weird going on i'll try to include the reasons why i'm worried and the reasons why i'm not and get some perspective. my boyfriend has a coworker that i'm worried he has been getting feelings for.

 

Things that make me worry

1.) he mentions her more than others, usually not positively even on days he doesn't work with her. she's his manager and he's always complaining because she's super lazy and makes everyone pretty much do her work and this has been confirmed by anyone i've talked to

2.) she's always so talkative whenever we go into the store when he's not working

3.) he's been pretty pissy lately, he even told me that he wasn't happy and wanted to break up but then immediately takes it back after like 10 minutes and says he doesn't want to, that he just gets mad

4.) he has said she's the prettiest person who works there before but that her body type isn't his size (she's on the heavy side and tall but still pretty)

5.) he told me a while back (when he started working there) that of all the people there he'd date her if he was single (I asked because i'm dumb and it was me being really immature and passive aggressively trying to get reassurance) but that even if he did, it woudl only be because (at the time, before he worked with her a lot) she was the only tolerable person and he doesn't like to go out and try and meet people and because she makes a lot more than him so she could pay for everything but then he said that by saying he'd maybe date her, doesn't mean he actually would, just if everything was somehow different.

6.) there was like a 2 week period where we didn't really have sex and that was kind of off for him.

7.) he had some weird drama when a coworker of theirs randomly looked me up on facebook and then showed her the profile and she just randomly told him that we "looked very photogenic" but it was weird that the coworker would choose to go to her and show her when i don't even know him or really her.

8.) anytme i try to talk about something important to me or wrong in the relationship, he's not interested in talking about it.

9.) when we do argue he can get pretty mean, like ignoring me or telling me to leave him the **** alone, just flat out refusing to talk. sometimes he comes around after he calms down, sometimes he doesn't.

 

Reasons why maybe I'm making something out of nothing:

1.) we live together and he doesn't go anywhere without me, not because I don't let him. He'll even make plans with some of his male coworkers that I know and he'll just cancel last minute cause like I said he's not real social

2.) he doesn't really have a problem with me being around his coworkers, even if he knows she's in the store

3.) a while back before he really got to know her when he thought she was cool, he'd suggested we hang out with her since i don't have any girl friends here (we moved out of state)

4.) he's really transparent with his phone, facebook, everything. he even leaves his phone here with me most of the day

5.) he's actually about to quit his current job for a better paying one, i'll say within the next 2 weeks tops

6.) the **** he does talk about her has been confirmed whenever we go to the store together

7.) she's almost 30, and he's 23.

8.) I guess the way he acts when i try to talk about stuff could be due to the fact that a few months ago I was always on his case about ****

9.) now that he's about to have pretty good paying job he's always lookign for apartments near there (we don't have a car and live with my parents) and talking about the jobs i can get. he makes very clear plans that always include me, even plans that are far off in the future and plans that are near in the future. such as going to a pet store and making plans to for our apartment and talking about how he can't wait until we can on a vacation together

10.) he's as affectionate as ever, always holds my hand/cuddles/watches stuff with me

11.) he tends to shut down quicker if i'm not immediately just telling him things he can do to fix things, like if I immediately try to talk about how I feel.

12.) he's been short tempered with pretty much everyone lately and told his mom that his job pisses him off.

13.) sex is back to normal

[Space Ritual]

ok so I have super super bad anxiety and really terrible trust issues so a lot of times i never know if i'm just making something out of nothing or if there's geniunely something weird going on i'll try to include the reasons why i'm worried and the reasons why i'm not and get some perspective. my boyfriend has a coworker that i'm worried he has been getting feelings for.

 

Things that make me worry

1.) he mentions her more than others, usually not positively even on days he doesn't work with her. she's his manager and he's always complaining because she's super lazy and makes everyone pretty much do her work and this has been confirmed by anyone i've talked to

2.) she's always so talkative whenever we go into the store when he's not working

3.) he's been pretty pissy lately, he even told me that he wasn't happy and wanted to break up but then immediately takes it back after like 10 minutes and says he doesn't want to, that he just gets mad

4.) he has said she's the prettiest person who works there before but that her body type isn't his size (she's on the heavy side and tall but still pretty)

5.) he told me a while back (when he started working there) that of all the people there he'd date her if he was single (I asked because i'm dumb and it was me being really immature and passive aggressively trying to get reassurance) but that even if he did, it woudl only be because (at the time, before he worked with her a lot) she was the only tolerable person and he doesn't like to go out and try and meet people and because she makes a lot more than him so she could pay for everything but then he said that by saying he'd maybe date her, doesn't mean he actually would, just if everything was somehow different.

6.) there was like a 2 week period where we didn't really have sex and that was kind of off for him.

7.) he had some weird drama when a coworker of theirs randomly looked me up on facebook and then showed her the profile and she just randomly told him that we "looked very photogenic" but it was weird that the coworker would choose to go to her and show her when i don't even know him or really her.

8.) anytme i try to talk about something important to me or wrong in the relationship, he's not interested in talking about it.

9.) when we do argue he can get pretty mean, like ignoring me or telling me to leave him the **** alone, just flat out refusing to talk. sometimes he comes around after he calms down, sometimes he doesn't.

 

Reasons why maybe I'm making something out of nothing:

1.) we live together and he doesn't go anywhere without me, not because I don't let him. He'll even make plans with some of his male coworkers that I know and he'll just cancel last minute cause like I said he's not real social

2.) he doesn't really have a problem with me being around his coworkers, even if he knows she's in the store

3.) a while back before he really got to know her when he thought she was cool, he'd suggested we hang out with her since i don't have any girl friends here (we moved out of state)

4.) he's really transparent with his phone, facebook, everything. he even leaves his phone here with me most of the day

5.) he's actually about to quit his current job for a better paying one, i'll say within the next 2 weeks tops

6.) the **** he does talk about her has been confirmed whenever we go to the store together

7.) she's almost 30, and he's 23.

8.) I guess the way he acts when i try to talk about stuff could be due to the fact that a few months ago I was always on his case about ****

9.) now that he's about to have pretty good paying job he's always lookign for apartments near there (we don't have a car and live with my parents) and talking about the jobs i can get. he makes very clear plans that always include me, even plans that are far off in the future and plans that are near in the future. such as going to a pet store and making plans to for our apartment and talking about how he can't wait until we can on a vacation together

10.) he's as affectionate as ever, always holds my hand/cuddles/watches stuff with me

11.) he tends to shut down quicker if i'm not immediately just telling him things he can do to fix things, like if I immediately try to talk about how I feel.

12.) he's been short tempered with pretty much everyone lately and told his mom that his job pisses him off.

13.) sex is back to normal

 

 

What is your gut telling you? Obviously if you posted on here your gut must be telling you something.

 

The Pro's and Cons of the list you wrote do not jibe with a healthy relationship. Just my opinion but after rereading this a couple of times if I were you I would have some concerns.

[jealousorrational23]

What is your gut telling you? Obviously if you posted on here your gut must be telling you something.

 

The Pro's and Cons of the list you wrote do not jibe with a healthy relationship. Just my opinion but after rereading this a couple of times if I were you I would have some concerns.

 

My gut is almost always telling me something is wrong. I've learned a long time ago not to trust it because more times than not it's wrong because my anxiety.

 

What parts particularly?

[Space Ritual]

Number Five on Things you are worried about. That is something that I absolutely would have my Spidey Senses up about.

 

Someone that throw up hypotheticals to their girlfriend about dating someone if things were "somehow different" is on a fishing expedition. I can't speak for other guys in relationships, but if I were to tell my current GF something like that I would expect to wake up the next morning to find my scrotum and myself have parted ways due to a nasty razor cut.....

 

I am sure its not what you want to hear, but I would advise you to prepare yourself for some shoe to drop in the very near future.

 

Number Seven there is just Creepy.Rest assured that the only reason somebody looked you up was because your Boyfriend was speaking out of school about you.

 

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news here, but I urge you to totally rethink continuing in the relationship. Again, I may be totally off base, but something stinks to high heaven about this guy. I've done some not very nice stuff in my life, so I would know. lol

[54JA]

I know what you mean by being paranoid/making stuff up to worry about. I do that a lot too. I'm glad that you are writing things down and asking for others for opinions before you overreact. It seems that you understand the importance of differentiating actual behaviors of concern vs views tainted by your anxiety.

 

I am not sure about his feelings for her, but I don't think you need to worry about him cheating. But that aside, I would be concerned about him breaking up with you, then taking it back (this is not OK at all), his unwillingness to talk about the relationship, and being mean to you when he is angry. I think that your effort to keep your anxiety/trust issues in check will help with improving the relationship, but those things you listed still need to be dealt with. You can use the I-message (you can google it; it's a communication tool) to communicate your needs. Good luck.