sigh. crush on married friend/boss

[GollumsNightmare]

"Baby steps" are not going to work. Hugs and small talk are not going to work. You are fooling yourself. You are still enjoying the attention and you are playing with fire.

[OldRover]

"Baby steps" are not going to work. Hugs and small talk are not going to work. You are fooling yourself. You are still enjoying the attention and you are playing with fire.

 

I totally agree. The baby steps will be fine for awhile..... and occasional small talk, and then all of a sudden you're alone with him and all bets are off because you get horny and the rest is history... it can happen really fast.

[jenny2013]

DTK3, how does one avoid a hug? Seriously. Other than pushing him away, which would create more of a scene than a quick hug is worth, I don't see how to do that.

 

 

Tara is right. Total push and pull.

 

 

And if I am horny, OldRover, I do have a very nice husband to take care of that.

[Marc878]

If he's leaving take a step back and hold out your hand for a formal shake. I suspect he's thinking the weakness is still there and trying to cultivate it.

 

Obviously he won't stop pursuing what he wants.

 

You know what your boundaries should be.

 

I've seen affairs start from a well timed compliment.

 

Why not just tell your husband you don't feel comfortable around him?

 

No reasons given just your feelings.

[DKT3]

DTK3, how does one avoid a hug? Seriously. Other than pushing him away, which would create more of a scene than a quick hug is worth, I don't see how to do that.

 

 

Tara is right. Total push and pull.

 

 

And if I am horny, OldRover, I do have a very nice husband to take care of that.

 

 

Oh come on Jenny, if you didn't want him to hug you then he wouldn't have.

 

Look this guy is pushing your boundaires and your allowing it.

[OldRover]

DTK3, how does one avoid a hug? Seriously. Other than pushing him away, which would create more of a scene than a quick hug is worth, I don't see how to do that.

 

 

Tara is right. Total push and pull.

 

 

And if I am horny, OldRover, I do have a very nice husband to take care of that.

 

I'd hope the heck you'd be horny only with your husband..... but you still continue to take "baby steps" and are NOT ending the crush. Like I said, you "could" end up getting horny at the wrong place with the wrong man. You have to completely stop.... absolutely put the boundary up and don't even peek over it once.... you're not there, yet.

[jenny2013]

I'd hope the heck you'd be horny only with your husband..... but you still continue to take "baby steps" and are NOT ending the crush. Like I said, you "could" end up getting horny at the wrong place with the wrong man. You have to completely stop.... absolutely put the boundary up and don't even peek over it once.... you're not there, yet.

 

 

 

Did you not read what I wrote before? No feelings for him. Done. Moved on. Trying to walk away.

 

 

And shaking my friend's hand when he was trying to hug me would be ridiculous, DTK3.

[DKT3]

Did you not read what I wrote before? No feelings for him. Done. Moved on. Trying to walk away.

 

 

And shaking my friend's hand when he was trying to hug me would be ridiculous, DTK3.

 

I said nothing about shaking hands, but the idea is only ridiculous because you didn't mind the hug.

 

Also, I wonder if you would veiw a woman trying to bed your husband as a "FRIEND"? Friends don't put you at risk to lose everything....I think maybe its time for you to redefine the word friend, a friend doesn't pull the pin and root you on as you toss a grenade it into your own house.

[jenny2013]

I am not trying to "bed" anyone. Other than my husband.

 

 

And I am serious about how you avoid a hug? I was quite surprised that he gave me one, given our non-touching history as of late. So I definitely was not looking/asking for one. And really, it's a two second hug. Not like hug to bed territory here.

 

 

Please remember that nothing physical has ever happened between us. NOTHING.

 

 

And I have no idea if he likes me other than a friend. And even if he did, I am committed to my husband and my marriage.

[Marc878]

Also, I wonder if you would veiw a woman trying to bed your husband as a "FRIEND"? Friends don't put you at risk to lose everything....I think maybe its time for you to redefine the word friend, a friend doesn't pull the pin and root you on as you toss a grenade it into your own house.

 

Excellent analogy.

[Marc878]

In case you haven't figured it out the hug was done to try and reel you back.

 

I hope you don't get burned in the process.

[TaraMaiden2]

You guys must be psychic.

How you ever caught a hint of a stirring in his loins, or a quickening of her heartbeat is beyond me.

 

Amazing. Really insightful.

He gives her a second-long hug, and you guys can already detect a passionate, uninhibited, abandoned romp between the sheets (or in a car, or on some rooftop....) That's some leap of the imagination....

 

Wow.

 

Or perhaps you're just life-long pessimists who have absolutely no doubt of this man's ability to 'reel her in' and completely fail to either see or believe that her tiny feminine simpering weak brain can actually steer a course away from this, and not fall for his obviously superior masculine manipulative ways.

 

You can't 'see' the situation in the way she does, and frankly, to alter behaviour to such a degree arouses suspicion and looks more odd and uncharacteristic than just accepting what happened and taking it as a friendly hug.

 

It's the classic 'push-pull' as I described.

The important thing is now, for jenny to continue with her steps until a point is reached where he sees it's futile to pull, because she is neither being hauled back in, nor pushing from her end.

 

Give the lady some credit.

You both talk as if she's incapable of making any logical decisions on her own, based on an impromptu and unforeseen incident which she had absolutely no time to think of taking action, over.

 

She did what was conventionally expected of her.

If that really bugs you guys and you honestly believe that at the next possible hug, she will drop her panties and cry "Take me now!!" you have some adjustments to make to your own perceptions and snap judgements of women.

[OldRover]

You guys must be psychic.

How you ever caught a hint of a stirring in his loins, or a quickening of her heartbeat is beyond me.

 

Amazing. Really insightful.

He gives her a second-long hug, and you guys can already detect a passionate, uninhibited, abandoned romp between the sheets (or in a car, or on some rooftop....) That's some leap of the imagination....

 

Wow.

 

Or perhaps you're just life-long pessimists who have absolutely no doubt of this man's ability to 'reel her in' and completely fail to either see or believe that her tiny feminine simpering weak brain can actually steer a course away from this, and not fall for his obviously superior masculine manipulative ways.

 

You can't 'see' the situation in the way she does, and frankly, to alter behaviour to such a degree arouses suspicion and looks more odd and uncharacteristic than just accepting what happened and taking it as a friendly hug.

 

It's the classic 'push-pull' as I described.

The important thing is now, for jenny to continue with her steps until a point is reached where he sees it's futile to pull, because she is neither being hauled back in, nor pushing from her end.

 

Give the lady some credit.

You both talk as if she's incapable of making any logical decisions on her own, based on an impromptu and unforeseen incident which she had absolutely no time to think of taking action, over.

 

She did what was conventionally expected of her.

If that really bugs you guys and you honestly believe that at the next possible hug, she will drop her panties and cry "Take me now!!" you have some adjustments to make to your own perceptions and snap judgements of women.

 

Totally not the case. We are not blaming Jenny for acceptable social behavior, which could include a hug. We all hug people of the opposite sex at times.....

 

BUT a hug from a person that you have had a former romantic relationship with (even feelings), just like Jenny is doing, is NOT the way to totally end this fantasy. Yes, he is (or certainly has the potential) of reeling her in again.

 

When the hug comes, block it and just say, I can't hug you.... period!

 

I had an agreement with my wife, that if we are greeting a person of the opposite sex, regardless of the relationship, there would be no kiss on the lips. Yes, you can just turn your head and just say I don't do that... and end it right then.

 

Jenny, you need to totally end this, regardless of you comments "you're over him"... I'd cut contact, too. You have had the fantasy, and no doubt you could have easily let it go too far (which you really did, btw). Now a few weeks of "I'm over him" is just not enough..... give it a YEAR or more. Be totally done with it. Your marriage is worth MUCH MORE.

 

Absolutely NO physical tough...no hug, no hand shake, no pat on the back.... period.

[TaraMaiden2]

Totally not the case. We are not blaming Jenny for acceptable social behavior, which could include a hug. We all hug people of the opposite sex at times.....

Exactly. That's why he hugged her...

 

BUT a hug from a person that you have had a former romantic relationship with (even feelings), just like Jenny is doing, is NOT the way to totally end this fantasy. Yes, he is (or certainly has the potential) of reeling her in again.

This was not a two-sided reciprocal relationship. Her feelings for him were never declared or spoken about. They never actually discussed a mutual attraction, and there was never any conscious, verbal acknowledged involvement on his part.

There IS no 'reeling her in again' because he never reeled her in, in the first place. The romantic fantasy and attachment was entirely one-sided.

 

When the hug comes, block it and just say, I can't hug you.... period!

That would be unfriendly, uncharacteristic and decidedly suspicious behaviour.

She wants this to pass and be done with, with as little evident or obvious disruption as possible...

 

I had an agreement with my wife, that if we are greeting a person of the opposite sex, regardless of the relationship, there would be no kiss on the lips.

I should ruddy well hope not! How did this escalate from a few-second's hugging to 'a kiss on the lips'...?!

 

Yes, you can just turn your head and just say I don't do that... and end it right then.

Nobody in their right minds would ever accept a kiss on the lips from a mutual friend! I can't personally think of anyone who would permit such a thing to take place... not under normal conventional circumstances...

 

 

Jenny, you need to totally end this, regardless of you comments "you're over him"... I'd cut contact, too.

 

She. Can't. cut. contact.

 

They work together.

 

They are close neighbours.

They are all friends in the same neighbourhood, and in the same social circle. She knows a lot of people. He knows the same 'lot of people'. Cutting contact is utterly impossible and impractical.

 

You have had the fantasy, and no doubt you could have easily let it go too far (which you really did, btw). Now a few weeks of "I'm over him" is just not enough..... give it a YEAR or more. Be totally done with it. Your marriage is worth MUCH MORE.

She knows that. And has consistently, steadfastly and unfailingly maintained that from the start...

 

 

Absolutely NO physical tough...no hug, no hand shake, no pat on the back.... period.

[unrealistic. Totally impractical, and not always do-able.

[kgcolonel]

I understand both perspectives however I do see some cat and mouse gamesmanship going on. I think that he may have less than honorable intentions however I also believe that if Jenny is to live a complete life, she'll have to have the ability to (appropriately) hug a friend. She needs to control her feelings and set boundries that she needs to HONOR her boundries. This is her responsibility to herself and for herself.

 

 

She needs to develop the strength to be faithful in words and acts to support the desires she references earlier in the thread of the kind of marriage she desires.

[jenny2013]

Thanks Tara. You have read what I've been saying and interpreted it correctly. And said it better than I could have.

 

 

Again, this was all me, and as far as I know, not him.

 

 

I think he likes me as a friend (I know he does, I'm one of his closest friends). He might think I am cute. But that is all.

 

 

No "relationship" other than a friendship.

[fireflywy]

I'm confused.

 

Didn't she say that the hug was something he hasn't done in a while?

 

If so, we say that her refusing the hug is suspicious behavior but his move to now beginning to hug her isn't?

 

Honestly, refusing a hug isn't suspicious behavior. If someone doesn't want to hug you, you feel a little drop, and then you move on. If he asks later, you just shrug and say "I'm not really a hugger. Sorry." And let him deal with it on his time and if he asks "Well, I see you hug your husband all the time?" You say "Uh, yeah, that's my husband." and if he continues to push, you now have further justification to sideline him.

 

That's my take anyway. I don't know the gender of the anti-huggers but I'm feeling they're male (apologies if not but im asserting a male perspective to this guys action) that flags are being raised about this guy. I'd avoid him as much as possible outside of work as you now seem to be doing.

 

*shrug*

 

Keep up the good work in moving on. It really will be the best for you.

Edited August 25, 2015 by fireflywy

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm confused.

 

Didn't she say that the hug was something he hasn't done in a while?

 

If so, we say that her refusing the hug is suspicious behavior but his move to now beginning to hug her isn't?

 

I'm not saying that at all.

 

What I was saying, in my post (#150) is that while her intentions were conscious and deliberate, they were apparently unreciprocated and not matched overtly by this guy.

 

However, subconsciously, his ego was definitely stroked.

Without any apparent encouragement or invitation on his part, and with no obvious or evident "mirroring" of her attention, he basked in the obviously pleasant atmosphere of being flirted with.

And by remaining distant, by never touching on an emotional let alone physical engagement, he relished and enjoyed the attention he was getting.

 

Then, to her credit, she decided to change the MO, and ceased her previously flirtatious behaviour and acknowledging her part in it all, confided in us how she set about doing this.

 

I honestly think, rather than continually condemning, criticising and berating her, we should at least recognise that she's doing what she can.

 

Now - we're not there.

We can imagine the dynamics, and give plenty of sound, good, straightforward advice, and counsel her on the actions she should take, and how she should take them - but we're not there to actually see, witness and direct things.

 

But he is now demonstrating the classic response from anyone when behaviour patterns change.

He's trying to compensate and re-gain what is now missing.

The adoring fan.

The flirtatious comments and looks.

So he has now adopted the same tactics in an effort to regenerate her interest.

I guarantee it - I'd stake my entire livelihood on it - if - IF - she were to be drawn back in by succumbing to his attentions - IF - then he would in turn, pull back to 'where he was' because his mission would have been accomplished. He would be the focus of her attention, and he would once more be having his ego stroked.

 

Understand this:

He has absolutely NO intention what-so-ever of starting an affair with her. Ever. At all.

 

If that idea had ever been in his mind, he would have acted upon it already.

Many men (although absolutely, not all) would have viewed her behaviour as an obvious come-on, and open and eager invitation to take the flirtation to a whole new level.

He hasn't.

Probably for many of the reasons already given. He works with her, they're close neighbours, he's a good buddy of her husband's... and he's a married man.

There are many brakes on his part, so obviously, even without thinking about it, the obvious risks far outweigh the benefit of a fling.

 

But that's not to say he was immune to flattery, adulation and being fancied.

And when he realise there was a shift in her attitude, his male ego decided it wanted it to shift back.

 

So now the boot is on the other foot. With an agenda.

 

Yes, she has to resist the temptation to enter into this ping-pong game, and has to continue being distant and acting in a cool, detached manner.

 

But to refuse a hug now, when in the past (even before this infatuation began) she used to accept one in innocence and as a neighbourly thing, is refusing to an extreme that would seem to indicate that something is amiss.

 

In short, she has to return to, and maintain the normal, day-to-day behaviour she engaged in, and settle back into a normality that would indicate that there's nothing to get fussed about or react to excessively....

 

I don't know how much more clearly I can explain this.

 

But I have 'seen' this happen with many, many couples. It's an interactive pattern that is extremely common. And it happens frequently.

[fireflywy]

I hear you but I still reserve that she can cut him off cold turkey in the hugging department regardless of their prior relationship and as a necessary step of furthering the buffer she is tryng to put in place.

 

If he doesn't like it, well lol, he has to work through it.

 

As for him not having any intentions, anything is possible and, at the very least, I think his interactions with her are a little too close for comfort whether or not he's consciously doing it. I personally don't know, and maybe I'm one of the few, any guys who want to lap up attention from a friends wife (unless there are issues in their own marriage) when other people (like her husband for example) question how it looks to other people (the teacher who noticed her working with him.) If her husband noted this, im prett sure he has to be aware of this as well (unless he's really just clueless).

If he feels the need to feed off the vibes from his friends wife and his employee, I personally feel like he's crossing lines in his own relationship or that there are issues there. With that said, she can cut that off by cutting any physical contact further and do so.without shame.

 

But that's just me.

 

To Jenny, props to you. Keep it up!

Edited August 26, 2015 by fireflywy

[jenny2013]

The hugging thing was just interesting to me, because we used to hug as friends, but this summer it just stopped. It does seem to me like it coincided with me having feelings for him (no hugs) and then stopping them (hug). But honestly, me not allowing him to hug me for 2 seconds (these are hardly passionate embraces) would be much more of a weird red flag than not doing it.

 

 

Saw him tonight at the market, said hi, and then moved on to talk to my other friend.

 

 

No contact is literally impossible unless I leave town. With my sweet husband.

 

 

Tara, you are so spot on. He does NOT want to start something with me. And I do not with him.

 

 

We have actually talked about affairs (one of our mutual friends' marriage just ended because of one) and he was very clear that if he wanted to cheat, he'd get divorced first. I don't think he's in the happiest marriage, but he is committed to it. My marriage is very happy (although I know many of you don't believe it), and I am also committed to mine.

[jenny2013]

So looking back through all of these posts, and just going through the texts that my friend and I have (that I have not deleted - and not just his. I often will go through and delete all my texts), one thing seems clear to me with some perspective.

 

 

I think he kind of liked me too, and was having an issue with it. He pulled back while I was into it. Wisely. However...

 

 

No, it's not normal to come over to my house and have a beer to talk about work.

 

 

No, it's not normal to ask to meet your friend/employee at the pool.

 

 

No, it's not normal to text me at 11 at night.

 

 

But there is definitely some push and pull.

 

 

A hug is ok.

[TaraMaiden2]

Maintain, preserve and continue your reserved withdrawal from his 'body-space' if you see what I mean....

You fed his energy.

Now it's going hungry.

 

If you suspect he is not as happy in his marriage as he could be, then that's his problem.

If he has already declared he would rather divorce than cheat - focus on that, because as you MUST well be aware by now, most people would say that, including cheaters.

 

So back away, and make sure that his actions suit his words.

 

More importantly, make sure your actions suit yours.

And that your words are underpinned, by your actions.

[OldRover]

So looking back through all of these posts, and just going through the texts that my friend and I have (that I have not deleted - and not just his. I often will go through and delete all my texts), one thing seems clear to me with some perspective.

 

 

I think he kind of liked me too, and was having an issue with it. He pulled back while I was into it. Wisely. However...

 

 

No, it's not normal to come over to my house and have a beer to talk about work.

 

 

No, it's not normal to ask to meet your friend/employee at the pool.

 

 

No, it's not normal to text me at 11 at night.

 

 

But there is definitely some push and pull.

 

 

A hug is ok.

 

I'll still stand my ground and say that a hug is NOT appropriate, even for 2 seconds. You have had feelings, and so has he, by your admission, over and over again....

 

You need to really decide what's important to you and then give it 100%. If it's your marriage, you need this other man as far out of you life as you can, at least for a LONG time. And, that certainly means hugs. Absolutely NO upside, and the potential to just spark things up again... especially if he's unhappy at home.

[DKT3]

So looking back through all of these posts, and just going through the texts that my friend and I have (that I have not deleted - and not just his. I often will go through and delete all my texts), one thing seems clear to me with some perspective.

 

 

I think he kind of liked me too, and was having an issue with it. He pulled back while I was into it. Wisely. However...

 

 

No, it's not normal to come over to my house and have a beer to talk about work.

 

 

No, it's not normal to ask to meet your friend/employee at the pool.

 

 

No, it's not normal to text me at 11 at night.

 

 

But there is definitely some push and pull.

 

 

A hug is ok.

 

I find it both interesting and telling that you've twice avoided the question about your husband having a relationship like this one.

 

Listen, very few people who are having or had affairs INTENDED on it happening. It happens just like this. You spend a lot of time with someone and slowly you cross one line after another until your neck deep and there is no turning back. These things you listed is crossing lines, your not putting an end to them you are not protecting your marriage you are putting it at risk.

 

You know for a fact that you having feelings beyond friendship and you suspect he does as well, so why are you so interested in maintaining a friendship, one in which those feelings will continue to grow.

[jenny2013]

DKT3, not avoiding the question. Just so many posts here!

 

 

Honestly, no, I would not like it if my husband was having a close friendship with another woman like I have with my friend. But I am much more social than he is, so that would be more out of character for him.

 

 

I'm going out to lunch with a different married friend next week. I'm meeting my high school boyfriend in a few weeks (who I haven't seen in 20 years) for a drink. My husband is fully aware and ok with all of it, because he trusts me. As he should.