How does one.....

[bellasue]

Just dump someone they claim to love?

 

I am actually two years out from my affair. Mostly doing well. But every now and again I wonder...how is it possible for someone to say they love you, and the next day disappear?

 

Has anyone had these thoughts years later? I feel dumb for even thinking his stuff any longer.

[casey.lives]

many people confuse infatuation with love and then, there are those people who are in love with love..

[Cloudcuckoo]

Just dump someone they claim to love?

I am actually two years out from my affair. Mostly doing well. But every now and again I wonder...how is it possible for someone to say they love you, and the next day disappear?

 

Has anyone had these thoughts years later? I feel dumb for even thinking his stuff any longer.

 

It's all in your first sentence.

[privategal]

Affair love feels very real, but often it really is lust, infatuation, mystery, butterflys...those things are temporary and theres no fairytale ending most times.

Men dont like to face emotion, disappointed eyes, truths, giving closure is painful when the true answer is...I just don't love you...or anything along those lines.

Running is the easy way out and is often taken.

For someone who was left abruptly without any answers it takes WAY longer to recover.

Your questions are normal.

Hugs.

[AnotherSadSong]

I think Jennifer Anniston stated this correctly, "They are missing a sensitivity chip."

 

 

With the addition to what privategal said, they are emotional avoidants. This is possibly one of the worst characteristics found in a man. You would not want to be in a real relationship with them either, can you say misery...that would be your marriage, pure misery.

[Satu]

Affairs are 99% make-believe.

 

After a while reality kicks in for one or both parties, and thats where it ends.

[central]

Even if they did love you, their higher brain functions (e.g., rational thinking) may eventually lead them to decide that an affair is a bad idea with too many possible bad outcomes.

[minimariah]

Just dump someone they claim to love?

 

I am actually two years out from my affair. Mostly doing well. But every now and again I wonder...how is it possible for someone to say they love you, and the next day disappear?

 

Has anyone had these thoughts years later? I feel dumb for even thinking his stuff any longer.

 

because in my opinion -- they were in love with the idea of love and us and relationships... they loved the ROLE. it wasn't real LOVE, real feelings.

 

it's very hard to accept it, especially when you remember all those happy and passionate moments where you were so sure that what he had for you was pure admiration & LOVE.

 

some people are really in love with being in love & the idea of love and being loved more than anything. many times the MM loves himself and his life -- not the W or the AP.

 

you can tell a LOT about someone's "love" for you by the way they've decided to dump you... folks tend to show it all in the end.

Edited July 14, 2015 by minimariah

[sandylee1]

1) The person may love you, but they love their spouse more.

 

2) They may love you and not love their spouse , but being with you is not worth the risk of :

 

Not seeing their kids everyday

Seeing their spouse and children hurt

Having their finances affected

Having their family loose respect

Being exposed and shamed

 

......it's not an endless list

 

OR

 

3) They may really like you and enjoy the fun, but they say love to keep you sweet and keep the sex/ affection /ego stroking going.

[Friskyone4u]

You are NOT dumb at all, just another probably intelligent woman who for some reason fell for liones of bull **** from a married man that they would have rejected from a single man time and time again.

 

Your affair did not end with any different result than the overwhelming majority of affairs, whether he dumped you or told you politely.

 

men enter affairs primarily for sex, and women many time more for emotional reasons that preceed the sex. Then they try to convince themselves that their MM is in it for the same reason as them.

bad decision, yes. Stupid, NO, or there are a lot of stupid people out there and on this forum.

[jen1447]

Love can be fleeting, and it can go away just as mysteriously and quickly as it came. Doesn't mean it wasn't love, but it does mean that love is bscly unreliable and not absolute.

[lemondrop21]

I was left suddenly and without explanation years ago, in a non-affair relationship. It was one of the most painful things I've ever been through and took months - no, honestly, years - to recover from. I still feel pain thinking about it. I was incredibly infatuated with him, loved everything about him. He said he loved me. I found out after he left that he was a pathological liar (by talking to his girlfriend before me) and serial cheater. Sometimes people are not who they say they are, at all, and it's so damaging to find that out.

 

Bigs hugs and warm wishes to you. You WILL get through this.

[nikki76]

Maybe for men it's different. I disappeared out of nowhere. Because I was tired of everything. Betraying our families, the games, the ups and downs. There was no point in a good bye speech.

 

I thought I loved him during our A. I thought I could never live without him. Lol. Now I see, it's wasn't love at all. Just lust.

 

Disappearing was the only way to go. I don't care if he was hurt or not (I'm leaning towards not). Leaving wasn't about him. It was about saving my family and myself. And maybe that's what happened with your man. He knew it was wrong. And saying goodbye would only prolong your pain. So he just ripped the bandaid off and went NC.

[jen1447]

Maybe for men it's different. I disappeared out of nowhere. Because I was tired of everything. Betraying our families, the games, the ups and downs. There was no point in a good bye speech.

 

I thought I loved him during our A. I thought I could never live without him. Lol. Now I see, it's wasn't love at all. Just lust.

 

Disappearing was the only way to go. I don't care if he was hurt or not (I'm leaning towards not). Leaving wasn't about him. It was about saving my family and myself. And maybe that's what happened with your man. He knew it was wrong. And saying goodbye would only prolong your pain. So he just ripped the bandaid off and went NC.

 

In other words, "f*ck you, my love." I think that's exactly what bellasue's grieving here.

[GoldieLox]

1) The person may love you, but they love their spouse more.

2) They may love you and not love their spouse , but being with you is not worth the risk of :

Not seeing their kids everyday

Seeing their spouse and children hurt

Having their finances affected

Having their family loose respect

Being exposed and shamed

......it's not an endless list

OR

3) They may really like you and enjoy the fun, but they say love to keep you sweet and keep the sex/ affection /ego stroking going.

 

I think Sandylee has summed it up perfectly. The problem is, most OW will never know the truth. It's hard to distinguish truth when it comes out of a MM's mouth.

[the_artist_1970]

In other words, "f*ck you, my love." I think that's exactly what bellasue's grieving here.

 

I don't think it's a f**** you, my love when a M person decides to end an A and wants to salvage their M. It's really the risk you take when you decide to enter into a "hidden" relationship. In most relationships you can openly go to that person's home without sneaking and be a part of their real lives. When you settle for being a "love" on the side and stay hidden you run the risk of not knowing half of what is really going on in your lover's life. The feeling of love is just a feeling. Love comes and goes. Real commitment is something that is bigger than love. He may have very well "loved" the OP at the time he was saying it, but to preserve his family he had to end the deceptive relationship and go back into his real life. I'm sure it's painful but this can serve as a lesson to make sure that you don't participate as a third wheel in a M. Find a man who will not only tell you he loves you but will bring you into his entire life 100% and show you he loves you.

[jen1447]

I don't think it's a f**** you, my love when a M person decides to end an A and wants to salvage their M.

 

I dunno ....I tend to think it is, regardless of extenuating circumstances. OP's no less a person just bc she had an affair, and people are deserving of a baseline level of respect and consideration. Her guy "loved" her, then he turned his back on her without so much as a goodbye. It's not really for us to say how 'true' the love was, but regardless, no one should be treated like that. To do so if an affront to basic human dignity ....in other words, an eff you moment. To his 'one true love.'

 

That's her dilemma.

[privategal]

Its no longer her dilema. It's his.

I believe it likely haunts him. By not giving her closure, he had no closure either. He took a cowards route and left her to pick up the pieces.

That's it's own hell and he will have to live with knowing he hurt someone like that.

Her heart was true regardless of public opinion that affairs are wrong, she still loved him, and he let her down.

She went on to rebuild and heal but if course has the fleeting questions and understandably lingering hurt.

But he was a carpet sweeper, and he can never fully move on truly. The skeleton is still there no matter if it appears he's fully moved on. He can't forget he handled it horribly.

[bellasue]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think I was hoping by this far out I wouldn't still wonder why. it will probably always be there.

 

Yes the affair was a bad choice. Everyone has their reasons and none of them justify hurting other people. But I am a firm believer that your can't always choose who you love.

[Minnie09]

Honestly, I'm starting to believe that relationships these days become more and more shallow and short-lived. People fall in love for all kinds of reasons, for the most part because they feel like they're getting their needs met by the other person, whatever they are - admiration, sex, attention - and it doesn't really matter whether it's an affair situation or an official relationship. Even if two single people meet, it's nowadays very likely that it won't last. As soon as one of the parties involved meets somebody else, who is more attractive to them in that very moment, they just let the relationship go. I don't think it has anything to do anymore with married or not. Of course it's harder for a married person to leave the spouse, but seriously - look around. Relationships don't last anymore these days. It's just a symptom of our society. And I'm not judging. And I don't say it's a bad thing. It's just an observation.

 

And at the same time there are affairs that last a lifetime. Happens too. Just depends on how the partners involved feel about one another.

[Quiet Storm]

Its no longer her dilema. It's his.

I believe it likely haunts him. By not giving her closure, he had no closure either. He took a cowards route and left her to pick up the pieces.

That's it's own hell and he will have to live with knowing he hurt someone like that.

Her heart was true regardless of public opinion that affairs are wrong, she still loved him, and he let her down.

She went on to rebuild and heal but if course has the fleeting questions and understandably lingering hurt.

But he was a carpet sweeper, and he can never fully move on truly. The skeleton is still there no matter if it appears he's fully moved on. He can't forget he handled it horribly.

 

I think most of these MM are conflict avoiders. They cheat because they are avoiding conflict, and they disappear on the OW because they are avoiding conflict. You are correct, they are carpet sweepers.

 

Because of this, it's usually easy for them to avoid their skeletons- they've trained their minds to push those thoughts away and sweep them under the rug. With a conflict avoider, everything is about their comfort level, and that applies to uncomfortable emotions, negative feelings, guilt and shame.

 

So while it's nice to think that most MM are haunted, ashamed and emotionally torn apart by the hurt they've caused to OW and/or BW and their families, the reality is that they are conflict avoidant rug sweepers.

 

They don't just avoid uncomfortable truths and conversations with people, they avoid uncomfortable thoughts and truths to themselves, as well. This is how they were able to avoid the marriage problems, cheat on their wives, avoid the guilt and compartmentalize. This is how they avoid thinking of the consequences of their actions.

 

The thoughts that might enter his mind, such as "I can't believe I broke OWs heart" or "what did I do to my family?" are immediately handled in the same way as he handles all other conflict- by avoiding the thoughts and detaching from those feelings.

 

The ability to detach and avoid conflict is what makes the MM capable of dumping the OW that he loves, cheating on the wife he loves and risking the stable home of the kids that he loves.

 

He's got issues and doesn't make a good partner for anyone. The question shouldn't be- how can MM do this to someone he loves, but why does OW value the love of someone that does this?

Edited July 15, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[privategal]

I think most of these MM are conflict avoiders. They cheat because they are avoiding conflict, and they disappear on the OW because they are avoiding conflict. You are correct, they are carpet sweepers.

 

Because of this, it's usually easy for them to avoid their skeletons- they've trained their minds to push those thoughts away and sweep them under the rug. With a conflict avoider, everything is about their comfort level, and that applies to uncomfortable emotions, negative feelings, guilt and shame.

 

So while it's nice to think that most MM are haunted, ashamed and emotionally torn apart by the hurt they've caused to OW and/or BW and their families, the reality is that they are conflict avoidant rug sweepers.

 

They don't just avoid uncomfortable truths and conversations with people, they avoid uncomfortable thoughts and truths to themselves, as well. This is how they were able to avoid the marriage problems, cheat on their wives, avoid the guilt and compartmentalize. This is how they avoid thinking of the consequences of their actions.

 

The thoughts that might enter his mind, such as "I can't believe I broke OWs heart" or "what did I do to my family?" are immediately handled in the same way as he handles all other conflict- by avoiding the thoughts and detaching from those feelings.

 

The ability to detach and avoid conflict is what makes the MM capable of dumping the OW that he loves, cheating on the wife he loves and risking the stable home of the kids that he loves.

 

He's got issues and doesn't make a good partner for anyone. The question shouldn't be- how can MM do this to someone he loves, but why does OW value the love of someone that does this?

All great points and likely very perfectly accurate...however..

The skeletons...and whats under that rug...always remain.

[rhymemepoet]

Hi Bellasue, your question is not unique. I was with a married woman for three years and I am one year out post breakup. I have the same questions, yet whenever I think of what we left behind it lands me in a quandary. Although we both agreed it was over, it still infuriates me how after three years she can just move on.

 

I find that it is only when I am being dishonest with myself will this bother me. When I am honest with myself however, I realize her total absence is a goodbye Gift ensuring that what we shared will stay preserved in a jar where it belongs.

 

I know that it is hard to admit the brokenness that allows us to enter into affairs, yet the fact that we are not in one now means that we are not broken anymore.

[HtotheN]

I know that it is hard to admit the brokenness that allows us to enter into affairs, yet the fact that we are not in one now means that we are not broken anymore.

 

That resonates with me. In fact, that's what I told MM when I ended things with him. I said that I was broken when we initially got together but since that was no longer the case, I could no longer be in an affair. I am sure that some may chime in to say that they were never broken but I know that I was.

[Poppy47]

MM felt the same... how could I say I loved him but want to end the A.

 

Well I DID and DO love him but I no longer wish to live that lifestyle of secrecy and deception.

 

He wasn't willing to leave his marriage. One must move on to a better place.

 

Poppy.