very annoying!

[shellys-trying]

I have a problem and I don't know what to do.

 

I've lived in the town I'm at for 3 years now. I have 4 kids and am married.

When I started doing my weekly shopping I went to this certain store cause it was really reasonably priced. You frugal shoppers who have a big family will understand me.

Anyway, there was this one young woman (mid-20's) who was cashier there and I didn't notice anything at first but when my husband would shop with me she would just stare and stare at him. I tried to ignore it, but after going in a 4th time w/ H in tow and her staring, I made a casual comment to H about her staring each time we would go in the store. He blew it off but noticed as we went to check out (not her aisle) what I was talking about.

 

Now my H cheated a year before we moved and we were just working it out and getting over the worst part of the A, and this young miss cashier woman starts her staring. To make it worse, the next time we went into this store she uses our little son as an excuse to talk with my H. I wasn't surprised by her tactics.

 

So, I thought I'm not gonna give up my fave store cause Suzy Cashier is subtly making goo-goo eyes at my H. I was finished with low self esteem and some wanna be OW doing her THANG at my H, and so my H decided he'd give her a hint, an innocent one and would do things, infront of her, like buy little love cards for me and pay for them down her aisle, with our daughter as witness to what he was up to. I mean, I give my H credit for trying to be legit and honestly wanting this woman to get the hint he is married and happily so!

 

Anyway, this woman eventually quit the store but now we see her everywhere and she has no inhibitions to staring at my H anywhere we are. To make it worse, she has much younger brothers who go to school with our daughter, in our daughter's classroom infact, so when I and/or H picks our daughter up from school, we have to be in the same room with Suzy Cashier (I'll call her that).

 

My H tells me when he goes to school and picks our daughter up he can see and/or feel Suzy Cashier's eyes on him and he feels like he's being stalked. He lets me go to the school most of the time, BTW.

I thought at first (since he's cheated before) he would feel flattered by Suzy Cashier's attention, but he seems like it's irritating and annoying. The way he talks he feels like he'd like to give her a dirty look or tell her to buzz off, but doesn't have any real evidence and it would make him look stupid since all she does is stare.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong, at first when this staring thing started way back when Suzy Cashier worked at the store, H would ask me silly stuff like "do I have a booger hanging out?" .

 

I've seen with my own eyes how this woman will deliberately put herself in my husband's path so she can shake her bootie when she walks by him, and I've SEEN him grimace in irritation, so I'm not worried about him being attracted to her.

 

I feel so annoyed about this situation but helpless. Am I (and my H) overreacting? ALL opinions and thoughts are MOST welcome! Sock it to me!

[Merin]

While I can understand your frustration at a this Girl staring at your husband... I guess there is only a couple of options the way I see it...

 

Next time you see her out and she's got her Eyes on your husband ask her straight up "What are you looking at?" OR Because you feel certain your husband has no interest in her staring or her... ignore it and don't give her any attention...

[morrigan]

If she is staring at your husband all the time, and nothing else, there's not a lot to be done about it. Just heed on the side of caution and don't encourage the behavior by laughing at her publicly or giving her dirty looks. Have either you or your husband seen or met this girl before the incidents at the store?

 

The best thing to do for now is for both of you to ignore her totally and avoid having any conversations with her, act like she doesn't exist, keep your face neutral when you see her. Hopefully, it will blow over.

[Skeered]

I agree with Merin...you have every right to approach her and say "can I help you with something" or if your husband is noticing her staring as well he could ask her also...if anything she will say no and stop doing it feeling stupid that she was so obvious.

 

IMO and please don't take this wrong I think most of your frustration is more the trust level in the whole A thing isn't quite back yet. Give it time, but if someone is staring at him doesn't mean he'll notice and drop everything he's workin on regaining.

 

Oh I just thought about something else...you could say to her the next time she's staring at him..."you like what you see...to bad he's with me" and no I didn't mean for that to rhyme...lol

[deemanct]

I agree with Merin and Morrigan about trying the ignor tactic first. If that doesn't work, both you and your H could approach her, and in a very neutral, unprovoking way, acknowledge that you both know she stares, and that it make you both very uncomfortable and would you please stop. Don't play any head games or threats or anything. See what happens.

[shellys-trying]

thanks for all of your replies. they are helpful. the trust thing is still alittle sensitive but my H says he ain't getting into that choke hold again.

I do ignore her and so does he. I watch him to see if he looks and he doesn't but lets me know later he was aware of her scrutiny.

 

I don;t think I've given her any bad looks, I kinda felt if I did it would make her feel like I'm jealous of her. I am jealous prone, but with this I'm really more annoyed, especially since my husband is so open with me about the whole thing, something he used to NOT be. I feel he wants to be legit and make sure I always know he isn't being sneaky or secretly likes her stares.

 

Whoever asked about if we I or he knew her before we first saw her at the store she worked at, no, we had just moved to the town months before and I'd never seen her before. I pointed her out in the store (not literally pointed at her) to my H.

 

Any more thoughts, send them on! Thank you all, again. I do appreciate your candor and honesty!

[RecordProducer]

I wouldn't be surprised if you found out that your husband had an affair with her and she is trying to make you pay attention to her while he's playing ignorant.

Make your husband ask her nicely why she is staring at him in front of you. See what she is going to answer. Then he should let her know (also nicely and kindly) that he doesn't feel comfortable with the way she acts and ask her to stop it. It's harassment in a certain way, after all.

[shellys-trying]

No, I doubt he's had an affair with Suzy Cashier.

I assume someone like you lives under the rule of once a cheater always a cheater? I do know several people, men and women who've cheated on their spouses once and never did it again, to this day.

 

Besides, I've seen a change in my H since he cheated a couple years back, and I believe in him. The questions I asked were not oriented toward thinking H is cheating with Suzy Cashier, but annoyance at her audacity at staring at a mm with no embarrassment. We know another gentleman who associated with her who knows my H. Very nasty girl, that Suzy Cashier. The gentleman may have mentioned my H infront of her and she might be thinking, as alot of gold diggers do, that my H may have a little $$$$ she might want to dig her hands into. If so, she's a poor misguided soul.

 

Don't try to put ideas into peoples heads that aren't even jealous over the situation. Men are stupid, yes, but I feel my H isn't interested in her. Period. I think she should find someone single and a man who is honestly interested and wanting her looks.

 

As for him asking her what her problem is, he has wanted to INFRONT OF ME, but I'd prefer to let her gather enough rope to hang herself and then we'll see. I want to put her firmly in her place when that happens.

 

Thanks for your input, "record Producer", but I'm thinking this time you're alittle off the mark. The prob lies with Suzy Cashier, not mine and my H's marriage and his past infidelity.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm with RP. I think he protests too much in this situation. There is more going on here that you don't know about.

 

If I were you I'd question as to why this is a topic of conversation with you two at all. Why would he feel the need to go in and buy you love cards and have her check him out?? Who cares if she stares and looks?? If he's not interested then it's not a issue.

 

I know you want to believe it's nothing, but it is. Come back and post later when you find out it's true.

 

Sorry hon.

[shellys-trying]

It's an issue with ME. Period.

My daughter was in the line with him and reported everything he said, which was directed toward his daughter. He never spoke to Suzy Cashier herself.

He never went to the store himself by himself either.

 

You are the ones dreaming stuff up. I don't believe he's had or is having an A with the woman. We, both of us, together have a prob with the woman.

I thought I was making mountains from molehills when I first talked with H about it.

 

It's impossible to say anything to people who are reading these things and looking for a way to make a mountain from a molehill.

 

Facts: The woman is a nuisance; my H isn't interested. I believe him and love

him. I will talk with Suzy Cashier today when we, my H and I pick our daughter up from school. Let you all know this evening!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm interested in seeing what comes of that.

 

I can tell you this though - unless the girl is mentally deranged, she wouldn't be doing the flirt/stare thing with your husband unless she was encouraged to keep doing it in some way. He may not be consciously causing it to happen, and may have no intentions whatsoever - but if he welcomes the attention, she'll see no reason to stop. You can talk to Miss Cashier, but you will want to talk to your husband too. He may not have any idea that he is part of the problem.

 

You can go in there and rip her ass, but the fact remains - if your husband is consciously or subconsciously encouraging her behavior, she isn't going to stop what she's doing on your behalf. She'll only stop when your husband tells her point blank to stop. The question is: will he?

 

I can tell in your posts that you have an enormous amount of untapped anger going on. Did you and your husband go into counseling the first time through? How did you weather the storm that time? The issues you are addressing are interesting, but your reactions seem to say a whole lot more about the unaddressed issues - unresolved stuff that is bubbling underneath.

[shellys-trying]

thank you, LB for your insight. He is aware I'm going to confront her about her staring and he's in agreement and wants to tell her it makes him uncomfortable. I truly feel he isn't interested in her.

 

I guess, his past affair is now keeping me on my toes where 'other women' are concerned now. I learned a hard lesson about other women back then and I've come armed this time, and it helps knowing my H is with me rather than against me this time.

 

The people on this forum can assume he's had a A with Suzy Cashier, but I'm trusting my gut instincts this time about his innocence like I trusted them about his guilt last time.

 

Thank you again. I'll reply about OUR findings this afternoon. I know you guys won't hold your breath, tho'. LOL

Take care and have a great day to you all. NO harsh feelings toward RP, btw. She's watching out. I understand that!

[lindya]

A weird situation indeed. Why don't you try approaching her in your husband's presence, and keep it nice and polite. No need to draw attention to the fact that it's your husband she's staring at either. You could say something along the lines of "We've seen you looking at us, and wonder if we must know you from somewhere? We're just trying to place where we might have met you."

 

Beware, though, that she doesn't see it as a potential invitation to join in a threesome.

[shellys-trying]

what a great idea! We'll try exactly that.

 

About the 3-some thing. Definitely not our style so we'd squash that in a heart beat.

 

Thanks for the idea, Lindya!

[lindya]

No probs. Hope it works out. The whole thing really could have arisen from a genuine misunderstanding (eg that she thought she knew her husband from somewhere). Our experiences - especially difficult and recent ones - can really influence the way we perceive other people's behaviour, even when we're trying hard to be totally fair and objective. It does sound as if she's acting in a flirtatious way, but if she's picked up that you're don't like her, then she might have started behaving like that to annoy you. Hopefully once you speak to her, you'll get a bit of clarity and sort out any misunderstandings.

[shellys-trying]

well, we went to pick up our daughter from school, as planned. As we were walking up the sidewalk toward the school entrance, there Suzy Cashier came, trotting up, too, swinging her hips like they were on fire! We all got almost to the door at the same time and before she could open it first and go in ahead of us, my husband said, "Excuse us, but do we know you from somewhere?"

 

Suzy Cashier gave us a nervous look and said in a voice that edged on rude, "no," short and blunt.

 

H said, "Oh, we've just noticed you staring at us quite a few times and were wondering between us if you were staring cause you thought you knew us." I stood there smiling a blank but sweet smile, no hint of suspicious attitude.

 

Suzy just shrugged her shoulder, ducked her head in what me and H (later) opined as embarrassment and jerked open the door and went in. We stood some yards from her in the area where we wait for our daughter, our backs to her, and we could BOTH feel daggers in our backs, so I personally would surmise that she had been staring for the reasons we had thought and when faced with it, even in a nice innocent way, she got embarrassed and just a little peeved.

 

My H says that he agrees, and just hopes Suzy Cashier will move on. We plan to.

 

Thanks all for your advice and input. Especially Lindya who had the right and perfect way to do it!