Not the sentimental sort. Going to marriage. Okay?

[noonynicky]

Hi LoveShack,

 

After being with my girlfriend for a year and a half, I'm about to propose to her in a month. Our relationship has been good, some ups and downs, and we're definitely compatible on paper, job, income, culture.

 

For me, I have no fear proposing to her and given how it's clear she likes me more than I like her, she'll probably say "Yes.". My prompt stems from the fact that there are just some things about my girlfriend that I've been adapting to and will probably have to adapt to when we get married. The question is, given my philosophy on relationships, should I read further into these things and hold off on the proposal.

 

My philosophy - I am not the sentimental, or dare I say, romantic sort. I don't yearn for visions of a knight meeting the perfect girl, declaring his utmost desire to be with this one and perfect girl. I approach relationships from a mental and supportive angle. Commit yourself to someone and make the choice of loving her each day. And I don't have a life quest to meet the perfect and most special one.

 

My issue about our compatibility - In all honesty, I just can't see a life of being 100% with her. Even if and when we get married, I hope to see my life as part myself and part her. For example, I do not wish that she is with me for every thing, event or meeting I go to. Like, sometimes I want spend a day in the library by myself. Would this be a sign that I should not marry this girl? They say you should marry you best friend, and life will be more fun if you did everything together with them. I don't wish to do everything together with this girl.

 

Like I said, I still have no fear in proposing to her, probably due to both my philosophy and issue stated above. Is the proposal still a go?

 

- Nicky

[Arieswoman]

Nicky,

Hmmmm,

If you are asking the question in an open forum maybe you should hold off for a while ??

[TaraMaiden2]

Hi LoveShack,

 

After being with my girlfriend for a year and a half, I'm about to propose to her in a month. Our relationship has been good, some ups and downs, and we're definitely compatible on paper, job, income, culture.

Not suitable comparisons.

Compatibility has nothing to do with these things.

These matters are of secondary importance...

 

For me, I have no fear proposing to her and given how it's clear she likes me more than I like her, she'll probably say "Yes.".

Red flag. My goodness, so, so red!! Flapping like crazy in a wind called madness.... This is just a total negative! You should be so in love with her you worship the ground she walks on!!

 

My prompt stems from the fact that there are just some things about my girlfriend that I've been adapting to and will probably have to adapt to when we get married.

 

Such as...?

No point bringing this up unless you're more specific....

 

The question is, given my philosophy on relationships, should I read further into these things and hold off on the proposal.

Good grief yes, I wouldn't even be thinking of marriage at all in your current mind-frame! AT ALL!!

 

My philosophy - I am not the sentimental, or dare I say, romantic sort. I don't yearn for visions of a knight meeting the perfect girl, declaring his utmost desire to be with this one and perfect girl.

 

What about 'her philosophy'? What does she like? How does she feel about romance, and sentimentality?

 

I approach relationships from a mental and supportive angle. Commit yourself to someone and make the choice of loving her each day. And I don't have a life quest to meet the perfect and most special one.

You should have.

have you even stopped to consider hat you are depriving HER of the same dream and privilege?

 

My issue about our compatibility - In all honesty, I just can't see a life of being 100% with her. Even if and when we get married, I hope to see my life as part myself and part her. For example, I do not wish that she is with me for every thing, event or meeting I go to. Like, sometimes I want spend a day in the library by myself. Would this be a sign that I should not marry this girl?

No, not at all.

My H and I lead different independent lives, but are very much together as a couple.

 

I would suggest you have far greater problems to deal with than this.

 

Like I said, I still have no fear in proposing to her, probably due to both my philosophy and issue stated above. Is the proposal still a go?

Absolutely definitely not in a million years, as things stand.

 

How old are you both, by the way..?

[noonynicky]

Hi TaraMaiden,

 

Thank you for contributing and attempting to sort my situation out.

 

Not suitable comparisons.

Compatibility has nothing to do with these things.

These matters are of secondary importance...

 

I disagree with you. When you are from an Asian family, you'll realize how smoother things are when there is an income match. At least me and her do not need to worry about that.

 

You should be so in love with her you worship the ground she walks on!!

 

Good grief yes, I wouldn't even be thinking of marriage at all in your current mind-frame! AT ALL!!

 

You should have.

have you even stopped to consider hat you are depriving HER of the same dream and privilege?

 

This goes back to my philosophy. I do not expect a future where I will find someone whom I'll worship in that way. This my point of view. She could very well be in love with me. And I could be the person which she sees in your idea of love.

 

As for me, I do not need to be in love in the way you described. I love her but perhaps not in the extent you describe. I can marry someone who I love in my definition, to support and commit to the person.

 

Such as...?

No point bringing this up unless you're more specific....

 

No, not at all.

My H and I lead different independent lives, but are very much together as a couple.

 

How old are you both, by the way..?

 

If I could pin down our incompatibilities, I'll say it stems from our different characteristics - she's fussy, insistent and inpatient while I'm relaxed and patient. This adapting I'm referring to takes places in the micro affairs of our lives.

 

I want to enjoy a two hour Opera show, she can't. She wants to plan things a month in advance, me two weeks. I want to spend a Saturday waking up late. She insists that I help her with errands on Saturday morning because that's the time of the week when she's most free.

 

I wouldn't fall these affairs big affairs such as faith, income, parent's disapproval, sexual compatibility, life outlook. I just wonder whether I should proceed to marriage taking this relationship and my philosophy as a whole.

 

We are both 31 this year and we both feel the age to get married is right.

[TaraMaiden2]

Hi TaraMaiden,

 

Thank you for contributing and attempting to sort my situation out.

 

I disagree with you. When you are from an Asian family, you'll realize how smoother things are when there is an income match. At least me and her do not need to worry about that.

 

Oh on the contrary.

if you have a family, she will stop working.

Can you support both of you?

And jobs are wonderful, but there are no guarantees in life. There is nothing to say you will always keep your jobs, be promoted or demoted.

And what if one of you is injured and becomes infirm and requires care?

 

'Being compatible on paper' is about as fragile as the paper itself.

That's why I say that these considerations are of secondary importance.

How much you value, respect and cherish one another is of far greater importance.

 

(Where are you living? On which continent/Country?)

 

 

 

This goes back to my philosophy. I do not expect a future where I will find someone whom I'll worship in that way. This my point of view. She could very well be in love with me. And I could be the person which she sees in your idea of love.

 

As for me, I do not need to be in love in the way you described. I love her but perhaps not in the extent you describe. I can marry someone who I love in my definition, to support and commit to the person.

You're not the only one in this relationship and as such, your feelings are 50% important.

You cannot, and have no right, to assume anything on her behalf, or presume she will accommodate this.

What about HER happiness and contentment?

Why do you consider only your feelings, emotions and sentiments to be relevant, here?

 

Should you not, as a potential spouse be at least considering how she might feel?

 

 

 

If I could pin down our incompatibilities, I'll say it stems from our different characteristics - she's fussy, insistent and inpatient while I'm relaxed and patient. This adapting I'm referring to takes places in the micro affairs of our lives.

Let me tell you something: I used to work within a Counselling/Relationships organisation, and let me tell you, emphatically - the little things often mattered a lot more than the big things.

Because you see, couples generally discuss 'the big things', but they omit to consider the 'little things'. And it's the little things that mean a lot.

 

I want to enjoy a two hour Opera show, she can't. She wants to plan things a month in advance, me two weeks. I want to spend a Saturday waking up late. She insists that I help her with errands on Saturday morning because that's the time of the week when she's most free.

 

These are the kinds of things that can create cracks, fissures and weaknesses within a relationship.

And as you seem to be considering your own feelings on the matter, quite singularly, you seem to believev that what you want, will eventually take centre stage and that she will gradually have to conform to your requirements and standards.

 

Not once have I seen you express any true love, affection or desire for her.

 

This does not bode well.

 

I wouldn't fall these affairs big affairs such as faith, income, parent's disapproval, sexual compatibility, life outlook. I just wonder whether I should proceed to marriage taking this relationship and my philosophy as a whole.

In her shoes, I would think very carefully about marrying you, because you seem to be looking at this purely from your own angle, and as if your philosophy is the only one tht should be considered.

 

Why are you not discussing these issues with her?

 

We are both 31 this year and we both feel the age to get married is right.

 

Your ages may say yes - but to me, it seems the only 'plus', here.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It is totally normal to want space apart within a relationship, by the way. Just because you know you'll sometimes want to spend the day alone in the library doesn't mean you aren't right for each other.

 

I have to say though, you seem to be approaching this awfully coldly and logically. Does she approach it in the same way? Most people don't treat matters of the heart this rationally, most people want to be madly in love with somebody and to have a desire to be around them as much as possible. If you're approaching this with a 'we're really compatible and getting old' approach and she's looking (like most people) for a husband who'll adore her, be her best friend and confidante, then either one of you will be disappointed.

 

Also, if you're even considering right now whether proposing is the right thing to do or not, it isn't. To be willing to commit to someone for the rest of your life, you really shouldn't be wondering 'should I or shouldn't I?' I'm not sure'. You should be sure! If you're having second thoughts at this stage, I fail to see how a marriage would be successful in any way.

[Radu]

Hi TaraMaiden,

 

Thank you for contributing and attempting to sort my situation out.

 

 

 

I disagree with you. When you are from an Asian family, you'll realize how smoother things are when there is an income match. At least me and her do not need to worry about that.

Why did you bring up the income ?

 

 

 

This goes back to my philosophy. I do not expect a future where I will find someone whom I'll worship in that way. This my point of view. She could very well be in love with me. And I could be the person which she sees in your idea of love.

 

As for me, I do not need to be in love in the way you described. I love her but perhaps not in the extent you describe. I can marry someone who I love in my definition, to support and commit to the person.

What happens when you finally meet that special someone and you are married with her ?

 

 

 

If I could pin down our incompatibilities, I'll say it stems from our different characteristics - she's fussy, insistent and inpatient while I'm relaxed and patient. This adapting I'm referring to takes places in the micro affairs of our lives.

 

I want to enjoy a two hour Opera show, she can't. She wants to plan things a month in advance, me two weeks. I want to spend a Saturday waking up late. She insists that I help her with errands on Saturday morning because that's the time of the week when she's most free.

 

I wouldn't fall these affairs big affairs such as faith, income, parent's disapproval, sexual compatibility, life outlook. I just wonder whether I should proceed to marriage taking this relationship and my philosophy as a whole.

 

We are both 31 this year and we both feel the age to get married is right.

Who adapts to who more ?

What percentanges ?

 

Examples ?

[noonynicky]

Hi TaraMaiden.

 

Thank you for your replay. What struck me as odd is that you're emphasizing a lot on what I want. Maybe I'm missing something, but to piggy back on Radu's prompt, I'm accommodating about 75%. So I don't see how is that what I want. At the very worst, it is what she wants and I'm fine doing what she wants.

 

- She wants me to join her on Saturday mornings, I agree.

- She wants me to join her friends after work, I agree but sometimes I want to go for that Opera.

- I rather stay back in a group outing another hour but I leave because I know she is insistent on going home and rather not accommodate my decision.

 

Obviously the question here would be would I be all right doing this for the rest of my life. If I'm proposing to her, I better be. How this just thinking about myself?

 

And what if one of you is injured and becomes infirm and requires care?

 

At least we are open and talk about this. It is planned that we both are going to work to our max. We are both the career driven person and we respect and support each other for that. The 'big thing' compatibility I was referring to.

 

You cannot, and have no right, to assume anything on her behalf, or presume she will accommodate this.

What about HER happiness and contentment?

Are you suggesting that I explicit ask her - "XXX, while there are some things of you I do not like, I still have the intent of marrying you because I've made a choice to love and support you given those things. You are not the perfect person for me but I'm all right with that because I'm marrying you and not the perfect person for me"

 

Because you see, couples generally discuss 'the big things', but they omit to consider the 'little things'. And it's the little things that mean a lot.

 

These are the kinds of things that can create cracks, fissures and weaknesses within a relationship.

 

Okay, I can see these cracks building up. Honestly, whenever that happens, I'm always asking myself "Are these cracks minor compared to the other good that this girl has? How long will I be able to bear these fissures? Forever?"

 

I don't know whether I'm explaining this right, but I'll try. Most of these cracks, fissures come in task blocks. They are tasks that she ask me to do and I do them, again the Saturday morning and being with her after work. Because I know she isn't that person, I don't get her along to do things I wish another girl would like to do, again the opera, loitering aimlessly around the city.

 

The question is whether I'm okay with these task blocks and solo trip to do my things myself. The answers is yes.

Edited July 16, 2015 by noonynicky

[noonynicky]

What happens when you finally meet that special someone and you are married with her ?

 

Who adapts to who more ?

What percentanges ?

 

Examples ?

 

Hi Radu, that's why I brought up my philosophy. I know I may the only person in the room who feels this way. 30 years of my life has remove the yearning, desire and want to meet that special someone. I've accepted that that event has a very low probability and knowing and believing that has switch my life focus to other things other than wanting that perfect partner - maybe building a charity has a lot more meaning that being with someone special.

 

Also, let's just say I did meet that someone special, this philosophy of focusing on doing society good will probably supersede any ideas of pulling me closer to this new special girl. So as you can see, no reason for affairs. Which is good!

 

Yes I know. A very weird take on love but the more I reflect and think it through, the more I accept that's my life outlook, given who I truly am.

 

I've been adapting more. About half of the time I spent with her, I would rather do something that builds on this life focus. So instead of meeting her for the fourth dinner in the week, which I'll oblige, I would rather dabble on some start up business to send food to Africa.

Edited July 16, 2015 by noonynicky

[Mr. Lucky]

For me, I have no fear proposing to her and given how it's clear she likes me more than I like her, she'll probably say "Yes.".

 

Based on this sentence alone, you should wait. Marriage is hard enough when you totally love your partner - I'd hate to try it with someone I only "liked"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[casey.lives]

Don't lie to yourself. if you weren't sentimental.. you'd marry anyone.

personally, my best friend has always been a person i choose of the same sex... the maid of honour..you know... i would marry someone who you love.. and that loooooves you - oh yeah... and respect too.. that's it. simple.

[TaraMaiden2]

Hi TaraMaiden.

 

Thank you for your replay. What struck me as odd is that you're emphasizing a lot on what I want. Maybe I'm missing something, but to piggy back on Radu's prompt, I'm accommodating about 75%. So I don't see how is that what I want. At the very worst, it is what she wants and I'm fine doing what she wants.

No, my point is this: You are emphasising everything in measurable degrees, percentages, and what you are prepared to do do accommodate practical matters, in a very cold, clinical, analytical way.

I have still seen nothing from you that would indicate you even love this woman, want to share your emotions and intimate moments with her, and want her to be the central love of your life.

It's as if you are setting her up to exist her life alongside a robot.

 

- She wants me to join her on Saturday mornings, I agree.

- She wants me to join her friends after work, I agree but sometimes I want to go for that Opera.

- I rather stay back in a group outing another hour but I leave because I know she is insistent on going home and rather not accommodate my decision.

 

Again, you are measuring your lives together as if this is some kind of operative bartering system.

It's not.

It's a living, breathing emotional roller-coaster which needs to emotionally nourish and cultivate your affections for one another...

 

Obviously the question here would be would I be all right doing this for the rest of my life. If I'm proposing to her, I better be. How this just thinking about myself?

You're just thinking about yourself, and frankly, you sound like Mr Spock. Cold, analytical, calculating and completely and totally unaware of just how much emotional, loving, feeling input is.

This isn't a business partnership or a mathematical equation.

This is a lifetime - LIFE-TIME - commitment to someone whom you hold most dear in your heart, and you look at knowing you want to wake up alongside her, every morning, because she rocks your world.

 

 

 

At least we are open and talk about this. It is planned that we both are going to work to our max. We are both the career driven person and we respect and support each other for that. The 'big thing' compatibility I was referring to.

Oh, sorry - so you ARE going to be setting up in business together as joint financial contributors to a professional venture? Sure. Good luck with looking at it in those terms.

Who's going to do the cooking, vacuuming, washing-up, laundry....? Change the nappies/diapers, feed the baby, get him/her off to school, get the car fixed, make appointments for the dentist/doctor? Mow the lawn, put the trash out?

 

THOSE are the things that matter!!

 

 

Are you suggesting that I explicit ask her - "XXX, while there are some things of you I do not like, I still have the intent of marrying you because I've made a choice to love and support you given those things. You are not the perfect person for me but I'm all right with that because I'm marrying you and not the perfect person for me"

No. I'm suggesting you ask her:

"XXX, I want to know how happy you are within this relationship. I want to know what about me, makes you happy? What about me, makes you sad? What can I do, in my life, for you, that will help fulfil your dreams, and generate a productive love between us, that will nourish, protect you and make you feel understood, appreciated and loved? I want to listen to what you want from me, as your loving partner."

 

This relationship is NOT solely about what you want, expect and are 'putting up with'.

 

If you think this girl is not your ideal, then let her go.

How dare you assume that simply because you are willing to "settle" for someone who is not 'the perfect person for you' that she also should have to put up with that!

You are far from the perfect catch - but you seem to think that as she is adequate for you, she should also accept 'second best'!

 

 

 

Okay, I can see these cracks building up. Honestly, whenever that happens, I'm always asking myself "Are these cracks minor compared to the other good that this girl has? How long will I be able to bear these fissures? Forever?"

No, you won't.

How about what she will be able to bear, and for how long?

Why is this all about what you can bear, tolerate, put up with?

Are you marrying a warm, loving, affectionate woman, or an automaton?

Because it sounds as if that is what you are setting HER up for...

 

I don't know whether I'm explaining this right, but I'll try. Most of these cracks, fissures come in task blocks.

You don't seem to realise that you are clinically analysing everything and compartmentalising your life.

Life - does - not - work- that - way - when you are sharing a life with someone you are emotionally devoted to.

 

They are tasks that she ask me to do and I do them, again the Saturday morning and being with her after work. Because I know she isn't that person, I don't get her along to do things I wish another girl would like to do, again the opera, loitering aimlessly around the city.

All this noble self-sacrificing attitude is admirable, but at one point or another, you will rebel, explode and tell her where to shove her Saturday mornings. Then you will see just how crazy it is to talk about matters in terms of 'task blocks'...

Tell, me what do you do for a living? Programmer? Systems analyst? Computer operator?

 

The question is whether I'm okay with these task blocks and solo trip to do my things myself. The answers is yes.

For now.

Wait until you get up and need to change the sheets, clean the windows, walk the dog, get the groceries, entertain her folks, feed the baby, hoover the floor, fix the guttering, put those shelves up, wash the dishes, meet the neighbours, and change that plug....

[S_A]

I listen to Colin Cowherd on and off. His advice is: get married if you feel like you just can't live without the person.

 

I sort of agree. If you feel like you can live without them, then why commit your life to them? I do feel this way about my GF. Yes, this "can't live without" feeling can change into a lesser feeling over time, but it hasn't over the last 4.5 years.

[aussietigerwolf]

I'm curious... Does she know this is how you feel about her?

[noonynicky]

I'm hearing all of your ideas. It does seem clinical in my approach to this relationship. Let's look from another perspective.

 

What if I am there for her, the physical, emotional and mental. But she's there for me for the physical, partly there for the emotional and not there the mental. AND I'M OKAY WITH THIS.

 

You are far from the perfect catch - but you seem to think that as she is adequate for you, she should also accept 'second best'!

 

What is best for her? Someone who is there for her physically, mentally and emotionally. Well, she has that! And she says time and time again that she can't see herself without me. I'm not kidding.

 

It is from my perspective that she isn't fully there for me. And to again respond to TaraMaiden's prompt, I'm not thinking only about myself because when I wish the supposedly perfect someone would go to the opera with me, I do NOT call my girlfriend and demand that she does this and that for me. Again, I accept her as who she is, that she will not be that person.

 

Wait until you get up and need to change the sheets, clean the windows, walk the dog, get the groceries, entertain her folks, feed the baby, hoover the floor, fix the guttering, put those shelves up, wash the dishes, meet the neighbours, and change that plug....

 

Yes, you do have a point here. I'm starting to feel the strain in doing these daily activities with her. And I can project if I was with someone whose mannerism and characteristics dovetail with mine, these activities will be smoother. I once again question, will the tiredness in these things weigh that strongly in the relationship.

 

Why then the marriage part? Well, maybe I don't see the need to share my life with someone else. Maybe I don't think there's anything interesting about me that is worth someone else's time. Maybe the time in the day is only so much for me to attain to her feelings and wants till there isn't enough left for her to attain to mine but is enough for me to attain to myself. Or maybe, why I bother trying to get someone to like Opera, to appreciate philanthropy or to understand life desires. Maybe, me just being there for someone in this life time is good enough!

Edited July 16, 2015 by noonynicky

[elaine567]

Yes, you do have a point here. I'm starting to feel the strain in doing these daily activities with her. And I can project if I was with someone whose mannerism and characteristics dovetail with mine, these activities will be smoother. I once again question, will the tiredness in these things weigh that strongly in the relationship.

 

And that is why "love" is important, and making do and settling, or being in a one sided marriage, run the risk of resentment and frustration leading to anger and even pure hate.

 

Tara is correct, when she says this

All this noble self-sacrificing attitude is admirable, but at one point or another, you will rebel, explode and tell her where to shove her Saturday mornings

.

 

One day you will say you will not be joining her inane friends from work, you are staying put when she wants you to leave for home, and you WILL be going to the Opera and there is NO way you are going out for dinner with her as that African project needs the money...

So all that "compatibility" and the similar thinking she thought was present between the two of you, is in fact a sham your end and once she finds that out, she will be gutted.

 

It is always best to be who you are and show the real you.

She can then take that or leave it.

 

A friend of mine told me that when she met her husband, they went out to dinner, they went to concerts and gigs, they went on romantic picnics, they traveled to interesting places, they socialized, they spent a lot of time together and he seemed perfect.

BUT as soon as they got married, he did a complete turnaround.

He rarely wanted to leave home, he spent a lot of time alone or with a bunch of his close friends, didn't want to see her friends AND he took up bee keeping!!!!

He was very happy being who he really was, but she was so disappointed and sad and eventually divorced him. She felt he duped her, which he did really.

[noonynicky]

Hi ya'll,

 

Thank you everyone for their support in my discussion. I was just about to go for my coffee when I was reminded of a part of my relationship that could add some clarity to my situation.

 

Granted that my girlfriend endlessly tells me she loves me, and I know she accepts me for who I am, she isn't a good listener, especially when it comes to allowing me to speak uninterrupted for ten minutes. Out of 10, the number of times she would speak 20 consecutive minutes about her day, when we first meet for the day, is 8. Call me crazy but I actually timed it a few days ago. And it has been like that for about 6 months, hence a solid sample size.

 

On one hand, it seems silly to allow this small portion of the day to decide on our relationship. On the other hand, at least to me, her inability to listen leads to something bigger. 8 out of 10 times I don't get to share about my day. Very often she has something to say about her situation and I don't want to be caught being insensitive by following up her bad day with details of mine. I know she isn't receptive to a random call when I'll wanna share with her a random song I've just heard on the radio. Thus, there's much more chances of me not sharing about myself than me sharing about myself.

 

As some here has said, a relationship is about sharing our lives together. Well, in my relationships, she shares her life with me, via her 20 minutes uninterrupted soliloquy. And when I WOULD like to share with her about this new hit song on the radio, I know I'll have a hard time as she's vacuuming the floor and wouldn't like to be disturb.

 

What about when she's finished vacuuming? Well, let's just say I've know her well enough that there is always SOMETHING else in line that she has to do - a fortnightly network session, meet her high school friend, pay the bills, redo her room lights, pick dining restaurant to try out.

 

With 168 hours in a week, she always also something to do, because she's the type of person that has to always do something. I am the type of person that doesn't have to do things.

 

There, some light into why we're 75% doing things she wants, and why I don't have the need to share with her all of my life.

[TaraMaiden2]

Do not marry her.

I'm sorry, you still sound like Mr Spock.

this does not bode well for either of you.

[introverted1]

Hi ya'll,

 

Thank you everyone for their support in my discussion. I was just about to go for my coffee when I was reminded of a part of my relationship that could add some clarity to my situation.

 

Granted that my girlfriend endlessly tells me she loves me, and I know she accepts me for who I am, she isn't a good listener, especially when it comes to allowing me to speak uninterrupted for ten minutes. Out of 10, the number of times she would speak 20 consecutive minutes about her day, when we first meet for the day, is 8. Call me crazy but I actually timed it a few days ago. And it has been like that for about 6 months, hence a solid sample size.

 

On one hand, it seems silly to allow this small portion of the day to decide on our relationship. On the other hand, at least to me, her inability to listen leads to something bigger. 8 out of 10 times I don't get to share about my day. Very often she has something to say about her situation and I don't want to be caught being insensitive by following up her bad day with details of mine. I know she isn't receptive to a random call when I'll wanna share with her a random song I've just heard on the radio. Thus, there's much more chances of me not sharing about myself than me sharing about myself.

 

As some here has said, a relationship is about sharing our lives together. Well, in my relationships, she shares her life with me, via her 20 minutes uninterrupted soliloquy. And when I WOULD like to share with her about this new hit song on the radio, I know I'll have a hard time as she's vacuuming the floor and wouldn't like to be disturb.

 

What about when she's finished vacuuming? Well, let's just say I've know her well enough that there is always SOMETHING else in line that she has to do - a fortnightly network session, meet her high school friend, pay the bills, redo her room lights, pick dining restaurant to try out.

 

With 168 hours in a week, she always also something to do, because she's the type of person that has to always do something. I am the type of person that doesn't have to do things.

 

There, some light into why we're 75% doing things she wants, and why I don't have the need to share with her all of my life.

 

I came into this thread thinking that you were cold and not doing your gf any favors by being willing to "settle" for marrying her.

 

But after I read the above post, I think that if anyone is being done a disservice, it's you. It sounds as though your gf sees you as someone to provide what she wants. She doesn't appear to have any interest in knowing the real you or in caring about your needs.

 

I think you should have a discussion with her and lay out what you want from the relationship. You said in an earlier post that she is not there for you on the same 3 planes as you are there for her, but just the one (sexually). I don't know why you would want to live like that, even if you have convinced yourself that you don't need to feel passionate love in your life.

[noonynicky]

It sounds as though your gf sees you as someone to provide what she wants. She doesn't appear to have any interest in knowing the real you or in caring about your needs.

 

I think you should have a discussion with her and lay out what you want from the relationship.

 

And here is the revelation: Why if I'm just the type of person who does NOT need someone to know the real me or to care for my needs!

 

Anyway, for those who still have an interest in my situation and its outcome, it all goes back to a time issue again. I was extra observant this time after having used what was mentioned in this thread to guide my understanding. We were out, double date, with my good friend and his girlfriend. And my girlfriend once again emphasized her attention seeking mannerism, this time applied to a company of four - for the majority of the time, whenever I seek to add or further her conversation, she would place her hand over mine, signalling that she isn't finish talking and that she demands control over the conversation. Using that as a microcosm for our relationship, she always demands that my eyes are always on her, her needs, her wants, her schedule, her activities. And no, I didn't abruptly interrupt her, between us two, she talked about 85% of the time. And this happens all the time.

 

Back to the main point: Maybe I don't need someone else to know me or to be there for me all the time. Sure, this revelation could have come by actually being with someone who demands attention only for herself, and I don't fault her for that. I could just be one of those guys who never really got, need or yearn for the love thing of expecting someone to be committed and affectionate towards me.

[candie13]

ha, I understand your point, fair enough for you. You obviously don't need love to start a family, which is excellent for you, as you are having your other needs met - stability, children, a safe monogamous relationship. All clear from your side.

 

what about your partner? Is she aware that you are not inlove with her? Is she ok with this very intellectual approach and analysis of her, now, in her prime years? Don't you think you are only with her because, yes, she is a decent partner - not a perfect one - but also one that allows you to reproduce successfully?

 

my ex bf's approach was similar to yours, in the sense where he would provide me with the safest RS I could possibly wish, no games, no cheating, stability, dedication, loyalty, respect, good shoulder to cry on, sound advice etc. No love though. Little to no emotion. Personally, while I was very glad to have met such a balanced, level headed men, when I had realized his lack of emotional involvement, I ran away from him as fast as I possibly could. This is not a business agreement, where he is providing for this safe environment for me to live in while I provide him with my eggs, ovaries and uterus. I've realized this in one really tense discussion - because he was not much of a talker or of a sharer, but he had no other alternative than to speak his mind. A bit like in that film, "code of honor", I think he was dying to share his vision with me. Sure, he was smoother than that and would use nice lil condescending expressions such as "he cared for me immensely", sharing his feeling of admiration for my drive and intellectual perspicacity.

 

I didn't say much, I was in shock. I left his place and I've never seen him again in my life. I don't care if he thinks that I am worthy of carrying his children, I know I am good enough. Personally looking for a strong emotional bond, Love First, before any of that administrative sh*t like moving in together, having children, saving and buying a house.

 

I can't stand people making their decisions with a pen an piece of paper in front of them. It's not rational to make rational decisions at all times. I deserve better.

 

MAybe your partner thinks she deserves better. I think you should check with her what her expectations are, because there is a chance she is oblivious to your approach. However, you cannot fool a person forever, and you're much better setting the record straight right now, than waiting until she realizes your cold intellectual approach and leaves you in your mid 40s, with a couple of children in the way, because she wants warmth and intimacy.

 

A RS is much more than the ability to be listened and to do stuff your way. MUCH much more. She must think you stay with her because you love her - hell, I thought my ex loved me, that's why he introduced me to his parents after 3 months...

 

Talk to her. You may be in for a surprise - and much better to be in for it now than 10 - 15 years down the line, with a big mortgage, children in school and much less hair on your head... YOur ability to relate to people emotionally won't improve, but your ability to attract a suitable mate might... fair play always pays better, on the long run.

 

just my 2 cents, anyways

[noonynicky]

what about your partner? Is she aware that you are not inlove with her? Is she ok with this very intellectual approach and analysis of her, now, in her prime years?

 

Talk to her. You may be in for a surprise - and much better to be in for it now than 10 - 15 years down the line, with a big mortgage, children in school and much less hair on your head...

 

Hi Candie,

 

Thank you for your honesty and your ability to understand better, as I can tell, my approach to this relationship. I also appreciate your warnings of how worse it could get in the future, should I and her not make correct decisions. Just a few clarifications:

 

1. I wouldn't know what to call it if I'm committed, supportive and caring to my girlfriend but don't love her. Furtherance of this discussion will undoubtedbly go into the question of "what is love?". Keeping it concise, I'm in the camp that love is a choice and not a feeling as feelings are fleeting (we heard this before, yes?)

 

So if love is a choice, I'm very clear in making the choice to love her everyday. Please don't get me wrong on two things. One, indeed, the emotional high wasn't what it used to be. But two, I know for a fact that I will have a part of me gone should we decide to end it. Once when she decided to remain slient on the phone due to some misunderstanding, I slept at 4am.

 

2. While I've yet to discuss what I wrote here with her, there could be the possibility of her approaching our relationship in the same way, which is for a lack of a better phrase, a business approach as opposed to a emotional approach. I ask myself, if that is true, and we are still physically drawn to each other, this relationship turning into a marriage can actually work. Can it?

 

And to add just another side of me. I've heard of too many unknowns in a relationship and equally many perfect couples that many believed will last forever but didn't. To me, sometimes, one just needs to make the choice with someone who is "great enough" because from how I see things, the "perfect enough" just doesn't end up perfect at all.

 

Update: I noticed you wrote "in love" or not "love". So I'll say I love her but currently less in love with her. You got me there on a technicality. Still my approach is the same.

Edited July 20, 2015 by noonynicky

[candie13]

hey, listen, I understand you are a grounded person and don't want to mindfck yourself and waste your life waiting for something bigger than life that might or might never happen. I understand your wish to live in the present and keepin' it real, sort to speak. all cool there

 

I also appreciate your warnings of how worse it could get in the future, should I and her not make correct decisions

oh no no, I think my previous post was a bit too long to be clear. My point in my previous post was to make sure you share your down-to-earth approach with your partner and check that she shares your pov. Is she ok with dotting the is and crossing the ts or is she expecting Love with big L in order to start a new life as a wife and mother of your future children. If she assumes you love her - with the big L - and you're only being practical, she will realize it and be disappointed. She will leave. I, for one, would leave. I have actually left twice.

 

so make sure you're not leading her on with regard to the extent of your emotional involvement / lack of it, more or less - confront and share that information. That is the key point of my last post. Not doing that, IMHO, is leading the other person on.

 

1. I wouldn't know what to call it if I'm committed, supportive and caring to my girlfriend but don't love her.

a union of the heads, two rational adults enjoying a good time and sharing the same opinion about life. Take out the sexual attraction and practically any person with the same logical approach would do - irrelevant of their gender. Common view, not necessarily compatibility. IMHO, def not enough to sustain a long term RS, because chances are she will disappoint you and you will disappoint her bitterly, down the road. None of you's perfect. It takes a LOT of energy, determination and love to make a RS work, on the long run.

 

Furtherance of this discussion will undoubtedbly go into the question of "what is love?". Keeping it concise, I'm in the camp that love is a choice and not a feeling as feelings are fleeting (we heard this before, yes?)

My limited experience tells me that the moment you start debating what love is, you're intellectualizing it and not feeling it. Basically, when you're inlove you bloody know. It's like really liking a person, really being into them without particularly appreciating them, as people, it's profound and irrational, it heats you all inside and make you wanna do crazy things (and nasty things to your partner on regular basis )

 

So if love is a choice, I'm very clear in making the choice to love her everyday

That's really cool and that makes you a safe choice. A really weak, yet reliable safe choice. I can tell you, she's young and pretty now, there's no way in hell you're gonna stick around a women you don't absolutely love when she's fat, irrational, pregnant with your children or finding it impossible to lose that baby fat .. or losing a job... because trust me, you'll be going through sh"t too. How can I put it... IMO - not that I've ever been married, but I have dated a guy for 7 years - the beginnings are the best. That is as good as it gets - when you decide to get married. It will only go downhill from that moment, until maybe in your 50s. This is the best you'll ever ever have. That's it. She'll only get more nagging and more self centered. More like her mother... Love is not just a choice. It's a reality to which you cannot escape, because you cannot do anything else but love the other person, the same way you cannot help it but breathe...

 

i think you should read a bit about love, marriage and commitment and do some self examination before jumping both feet ahead.

 

Please don't get me wrong on two things. One, indeed, the emotional high wasn't what it used to be. But two, I know for a fact that I will have a part of me gone should we decide to end it. Once when she decided to remain slient on the phone due to some misunderstanding, I slept at 4am.

of course. i understand. I dated a perfectly fine young man for 7 years. HE was choosing to come see me every other weekend and drive 5 to 6 hours or take expensive flights, so that he can join wherever I was for business. I understand very well your current state of affairs.

 

2. While I've yet to discuss what I wrote here with her, there could be the possibility of her approaching our relationship in the same way, which is for a lack of a better phrase, a business approach as opposed to a emotional approach.

Fantastic. Really. Great. Now, do the grown up thing and double check. Confront. Put it out in the open and do NOT assume. Women tend to assume that their partner wants to marry them because they love them, not because they're practical.

 

I only have one problem with the "business" approach. What do you do when you see a better "deal" coming along? A woman earning more and who's much more level headed and able to listen, on top of it? If we follow the rational approach, you should be upgrading, no? i mean, you'll still be level headed and grounded, only to a more "suitable" partner... no ?

 

I ask myself, if that is true, and we are still physically drawn to each other, this relationship turning into a marriage can actually work. Can it?

you are "still" drawn" to eachother ? Read my post about pregnancy, baby weight, age and wrinkles... Go for it, mate, you know best... IMO, at least during the honeymoon, you should be fcking like rabbits and living on the land of emotional and sexual bliss... to be able to have a realistic chance of making it.

 

If you only want to have children and them che sara, sara, you're ok with divorce and starting all over again with someone new, I understand that as well.

 

question: what exactly do you want? Family? Stability? Children? Security? or a safety net because being single and confronting the fear of ending up alone and miserable is too scary ?

 

And to add just another side of me. I've heard of too many unknowns in a relationship and equally many perfect couples that many believed will last forever but didn't. To me, sometimes, one just needs to make the choice with someone who is "great enough" because from how I see things, the "perfect enough" just doesn't end up perfect at all.

Post intellectualizing . I understand your point about too high expectations of reality, though.

 

Update: I noticed you wrote "in love" or not "love". So I'll say I love her but currently less in love with her. You got me there on a technicality. Still my approach is the same.

of course it is. Listen, if it's good enough for you right now, you should go for it. Just watch out, the future is not only uncertain but for sure difficult, make sure you have the right partner by your side.And also, make sure she understand your approach before marriage. Because while you may not spell it out for her, she will get it later and feel cheated.

 

my point is: I have nothing against your view of marriage. Personally, I don't buy it (I believe that not all the good will in the world can keep 2 people together, if there is no love), but my opinion is irrelevant here. Make sure that your partner shares it, if you want your marriage to last.

 

best of luck, cheers.

[noonynicky]

Lots of think about. So just to add for now,

 

I wasn't in a rush to introduce my girlfriend to my parents so I'm different than the said ex-bf. I believe that in my life, you make the best of what life throws at your. Not saying she was thrown at me, but I always approach situations in the mentality that there's always worse. Translated: I did say she's one who I cater to, that could be the key because I always make the best of life, even if that means catering to someone.

 

And two, with no intent to be cheeky about it, mid 40s, when things start to go down, isn't that far away from 50s, the time when you just accept what you have, that being the marriage. Candie, got you there, didn't I?

[candie13]

Women - 50 - Menopause . It's not a contest around here on who's getting whom. It's your life, your choices. I am perfectly fine with Mine.

 

It doesn't matter when Family & friends are involved. Imho, the only thing that does matter is of the RS is based on deception or not. My most recent ex had the decency to speak up and that makes him an honest Guy. It's the only thing that matters, in the end, isnt it? Married or not, as Long as one knows what they're getting into and with whom, everyone's happy