LovedNC Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I have a previous post talking about my fiance who admitted to me he was bi and also loves this man whom he lived with before I moved in. My fiance adores me, takes care of me, I take care of him, our families love each other (his family doesn't know he's bi). Aside from this situation, it's the best relationship I've ever been in. Has anyone ever allowed an SO have an emotional or physical affair outside of your relationship/ marriage? My fiance does not ignore me, he's there for me when I need him, but he knows how uncomfortable it is to me that he talks to this man EVERY day. The amount of texting has gone down since I found out (we share a phone bill, so I know), and he no longer runs off with the phone to send messages. He also knows that I DO NOT want anything physical happening with them anymore. Not just because of our relationship (which is a huge part). but based off shear health reasons. This is just something I've been thinking about. This other man is clearly not going anywhere, but I just don't know how to deal with this.... Thanks for any input... Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 You have to draw a line in what you will accept. If you want him to stop and he wont do it your going to have to put a consequence on that action. Me personally if my wife is talking to a man that I don't feel comfortable with she had better talk to a lawyer soon after it. You can't control what your partner does. You can only tell them your feelings and what you expect in the relationship. If they break from that then its best to take a step back and reevaulate if you really want to be in this relationship anymore. To me what he is doing is cheating. I don't ever support staying with a cheater. Who cares how remorseful they are. Its not worth the long term pain. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Well, apparently he's not only bi but also poly. Can you live with that? And even if you do, I'd advise you not to sign contracts like marriage contracts with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 You were told in the other thread that it's not healthy. I am not understanding why you are willing to accept this? Have you no self worth or self respect? Are you not deserving of a man who will not do this to you? Is this situation not beating down your self esteem to a pulp? Are you going to bring children into this fake relationship too? I wonder what they will think of Daddy's friend who comes over for BBQ's and gets a little too close for comfort? It is hard to let go of someone you love and want a future with, but he is clearly not in the same boat you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I've never been in this situation exactly... no. I did date a guy once who told me 2 - 3 months into dating that he had been with men in the past. He was good to me, but we were better off as friends than anything else. So I sort of understand what you are questioning. I think what you need to decide is whether or not you are ok with him as he is. You can't make him want you and only you, he's made it clear that he doesn't feel that way or he wouldn't still be in touch with his former partner. You have to decide if you are ok with him. Trying to strong arm him into ending his relationship with this other man isn't going to work well for you in the long run. He's used to sneaking around and keeping it quiet because he doesn't want the world to know about it. He'll sneak around again if you try to force him not to have contact with him. I would think about it like this... would you be ok with him messaging daily with a female that he had cheated on you with early on in your relationship? Is it different just because it's a man and he's not open about his bisexuality to others? You know it's not ok that he cheated on you right? It doesn't matter if it was a man or a woman. He cheated plain and simple. That should be your main concern here. Don't let all the other riff raff get in the way... look at that point and that point only. He cheated before you married and you know about it. Are you ok with that? Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 (edited) Cmon Now You know the answer Edited July 15, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovedNC Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 I've never been in this situation exactly... no. I did date a guy once who told me 2 - 3 months into dating that he had been with men in the past. He was good to me, but we were better off as friends than anything else. So I sort of understand what you are questioning. I think what you need to decide is whether or not you are ok with him as he is. You can't make him want you and only you, he's made it clear that he doesn't feel that way or he wouldn't still be in touch with his former partner. You have to decide if you are ok with him. Trying to strong arm him into ending his relationship with this other man isn't going to work well for you in the long run. He's used to sneaking around and keeping it quiet because he doesn't want the world to know about it. He'll sneak around again if you try to force him not to have contact with him. I would think about it like this... would you be ok with him messaging daily with a female that he had cheated on you with early on in your relationship? Is it different just because it's a man and he's not open about his bisexuality to others? You know it's not ok that he cheated on you right? It doesn't matter if it was a man or a woman. He cheated plain and simple. That should be your main concern here. Don't let all the other riff raff get in the way... look at that point and that point only. He cheated before you married and you know about it. Are you ok with that? As much as I don't want to admit it, I think part of me is less angry it's a man, than a woman, but I'm angry none the less that I wasn't enough for him. Another reason why I'm asking the question is because I know I can't change him, I've never tries, and I've always told him I will not tell you to choose me or him, (and at any time there's no reason I can't eject myself from the situation) because down the road it's not coming back to haunt me in some meaningless argument. I just don't know if it's something I can deal with the rest of my life. He has history with this person, years of history, in what was a dark time in his life, so I get why there's the bond. I would think I would feel the same if it were a women, bUT like I said, it almost makes me feel a little better it's a man, sounds crazy I k ow, but I guess I'm just crazy myself....I'm just so confused....which is I guess how my fiance feels as well.... Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 If you really do stay with this guy, just draw a vertical line down the length of his *enis. You get one-half, and his man friend gets the other half. If this is satisfactory for you as a woman, then go for it, otherwise I think you already know where this relationship is heading. Also, don't you think it was a bit unfair of him to not tell you he was bi until he had you already hooked? Manipulative even? Nothing good (for you) is going to be at the end of this road... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 The bisexual people I know to not believe or behave as if their sexuality entitles them to have partners of both sexes in their lives at the same time. In other words, they don't agree with cheating anymore than most heterosexual people do. You might get some better perspective along these lines if you find a forum that deals with alternative lifestyle issues. Cheating is cheating regardless of the genders involved. Your fiancé has cheated on you and is basically informing you he plans to continue cheating. Not to mention he wasn't upfront with you about a huge issue....his sexuality. None of that bodes well for a healthy relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovedNC Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 I've told him that just because he's bisexual that doesn't mean he gets both at the same time. He admits he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and that it's never been this hard before for him. No one else knows this about him except for me and the other man. His previous girlfriends and even his ex wife didn't know. This other man is leaving soon, so I guess my hope is that he can realize he can live without this guy (they'll be unable to Co tact each other for about 8ish weeks). I hate to think of it that way, and I know I'm worth more than that....it's just hard. I've even asked him what he would do if the roles were reversed and I was cheating on him and he said he would not like it. Ugh.....I know I'm making this more complicated than it should be, but when your heart tells you one thing and your head another.... Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 As much as I don't want to admit it, I think part of me is less angry it's a man, than a woman, but I'm angry none the less that I wasn't enough for him. Another reason why I'm asking the question is because I know I can't change him, I've never tries, and I've always told him I will not tell you to choose me or him, (and at any time there's no reason I can't eject myself from the situation) because down the road it's not coming back to haunt me in some meaningless argument. I just don't know if it's something I can deal with the rest of my life. He has history with this person, years of history, in what was a dark time in his life, so I get why there's the bond. I would think I would feel the same if it were a women, bUT like I said, it almost makes me feel a little better it's a man, sounds crazy I k ow, but I guess I'm just crazy myself....I'm just so confused....which is I guess how my fiance feels as well.... I had a feeling you might be feeling like this... that just because it's a man it's different. Really, it isn't though. His relationship with that other man isn't something you can just downgrade to a lesser value just because it's a man and not a woman. I'm sure it was every bit as important to him as his past female relationships. Someone else pointed this out too and I'd like to reiterate it... he didn't tell you something HUGE about himself until he had you hooked in. That's not healthy and is very, very manipulative. In the end, it's going to be about what you feel you can accept. You and only you can decide whether or not you could be happy with him knowing what you know. Link to post Share on other sites
avintagegirl Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 He admits he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and that it's never been this hard before for him. This doesn't mean he needs to be having YOUR cake. This other man is leaving soon, so I guess my hope is that he can realize he can live without this guy (they'll be unable to Co tact each other for about 8ish weeks). Your man has been with this other man for years and they bonded during a rough time. You are not living in hope if you think 2 months will make a difference - it's a fantasy. You say he treats you "well", but I disagree. At the very least its emotional cheating. Not just that, but if he has hidden the fact he has been with this man from everyone for years, how can you trust the fact he is being all honest with you now when he says he isn't physically with him. Bottom line: You deserve to be with a man who at the end of the day wants all of him to be with all of you. Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I've told him that just because he's bisexual that doesn't mean he gets both at the same time. He admits he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and that it's never been this hard before for him. No one else knows this about him except for me and the other man. His previous girlfriends and even his ex wife didn't know. This other man is leaving soon, so I guess my hope is that he can realize he can live without this guy (they'll be unable to Co tact each other for about 8ish weeks). I hate to think of it that way, and I know I'm worth more than that....it's just hard. I've even asked him what he would do if the roles were reversed and I was cheating on him and he said he would not like it. Ugh.....I know I'm making this more complicated than it should be, but when your heart tells you one thing and your head another.... When someone tells you who they are believe them. I read in your other thread this is the second time this has happened to you. The odds of that are so astronomical that it would have me running to therapy. Do you have any clue why this has happened twice? Is there something/some reason that heterosexual men are unattractive to you? I know that men can fool you about their sexuality, but twice seems really odd unless you are involved in something or living somewhere there is a high concentration of people in alternative lifestyles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovedNC Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 So basically it is my fault that I'm in this situation? That I must be just some homo magnet?? Thanks for making me feel better... that's not exactly the type of advice I was looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 So basically it is my fault that I'm in this situation? That I must be just some homo magnet?? Thanks for making me feel better... that's not exactly the type of advice I was looking for. Sorry if I offended you and I didn't say you were a magnet. It was not my intention to make you feel bad. Maybe its the other way around and they are a magnet for you for some reason. You have to admit its a pretty astonishing coincidence that this has happened twice. Any time we have a pattern it pays to think about why. Maybe its simply an astonishing coincidence. Regardless, counseling might help you resolve your feelings about the situation. I hope you find the answers you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Has anyone ever allowed an SO have an emotional or physical affair outside of your relationship/ marriage? My fiance does not ignore me, he's there for me when I need him, but he knows how uncomfortable it is to me that he talks to this man EVERY day. The amount of texting has gone down since I found out (we share a phone bill, so I know), and he no longer runs off with the phone to send messages. You are trying so hard to rationalize his cheating that you are even asking "Has anyone ever allowed an SO have an emotional or physical affair outside of your relationship/ marriage?" The answer to you question is yes, there are some spouses that look the other way and put up with their spouse cheating, just like there are spouses that put up being physically abused by their spouse. But then again, the spouse usually does not have a cheating spouse that "no longer runs off with the phone to send messages" to there lover. As time goes by, and his cheating becomes the norm, he will become increasingly emboldened in his cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovedNC Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 Sorry if I offended you and I didn't say you were a magnet. It was not my intention to make you feel bad. Maybe its the other way around and they are a magnet for you for some reason. You have to admit its a pretty astonishing coincidence that this has happened twice. Any time we have a pattern it pays to think about why. Maybe its simply an astonishing coincidence. Regardless, counseling might help you resolve your feelings about the situation. I hope you find the answers you need. And after all this analyzing I'm doing about this, you think I haven't thought about why this is happening to me again?! Why is this my fault?! All I want is someone to love me, and me love them in return, which I have found, unfortunately he loves another person at the same time that is still a part if his life. Other than the sheer fact he has cheated on me, he's done nothing else to hurt me. He still loves his ex wife too....but she isn't a part of our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
avintagegirl Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 And after all this analyzing I'm doing about this, you think I haven't thought about why this is happening to me again?! Why is this my fault?! All I want is someone to love me, and me love them in return, which I have found, unfortunately he loves another person at the same time that is still a part if his life. Other than the sheer fact he has cheated on me, he's done nothing else to hurt me. He still loves his ex wife too....but she isn't a part of our lives. The bolded part really stands out to me. We all want someone to love us. However, you have to love yourself first. I am not convinced you do. Granted I don't know you from Adam, but I think if you valued what you have to offer to a man you would not be willing to settle to be in half of a relationship - which is all this man can reasonably offer. The second part of this is you say you have found that man who loves you. Ok so he loves you. What does that mean? For him it means, I love you but I can't stop loving other people too. Now I don't know his feelings but I know love. When I am in love, I want to be with that other person, I want to kiss them, love them and be with them. I am not thinking I also want to be kissing someone else. You also say "other than the sheer fact he has cheated on me, he has done nothing else to hurt me". Ummm, isn't that enough? This relationship he has with this man is not a one time indescretion. It will go on forever for all you know. Each time he calls this man, texts this man, kisses this man, sleeps with this man, he is hurting you. Repeatedly over and over he is hurting the bond that the two of you (or one of you) is trying to build. I think in this instance you should take some time away from him. Find out who YOU are. Take a vacation and lose the phone, computer and any other way to communicate with him. Block his number. Sure the first few days you will think of him and miss him. You need to find activities, get involved, get your mind out the myopic mess caused by his behavior. Maybe by the time you are ready to come back you will see you are worth more than a half-time relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) And after all this analyzing I'm doing about this, you think I haven't thought about why this is happening to me again?! Why is this my fault?! All I want is someone to love me, and me love them in return, which I have found, unfortunately he loves another person at the same time that is still a part if his life. Other than the sheer fact he has cheated on me, he's done nothing else to hurt me. He still loves his ex wife too....but she isn't a part of our lives. A person can love many different people at the same time, each in their own way, but they can only be "in love" with one person at a time. Your husband has just told you by his actions and words that he loves you, but is not "in love" with you. You may be faulted by some if you accept this as good enough to stay in this marriage. This is happening to you now, has happened to you in the past, and will continue to happen to you in the future, if you do not value yourself enough to expect that the person that you are married to not just love you, but be in love with you. It is your life, and your marriage. If you accept that as long as "he's done nothing else to hurt" you, as a good enough reason to accept staying in a marriage, where he loves you but is not in love with you and is not romantically exclusive with you, that is entirely your call. You would certainly not be the first person to value themselves so little as to settle for such a marriage, not by a long shot. For all of the tough talk we see on these boards, time and again when faced with this reality themselves, all too many back down. Edited July 18, 2015 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 A person can love many different people at the same time, each in their own way, but they can only be "in love" with one person at a time. . Really? Is this true (been studied) or just what you think? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 The bottom line is that you either want a monogamous relationship and won't settle for anything else, or you're so desperate to have 'someone to love me' that you will settle for whatever a man's willing to give you. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Really? Is this true (been studied) or just what you think? People post their opinions on this site all day long, with most of these opinions being based on the posters observations, and not on studies. Just because most of these opinions are not linked to studies does not make them not true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts