Quarter Life Crisis?

[SoFlaFF]

Hey! I'm new to these forums. My life changed for the worse 4 months ago. Been searching for answers ever since. One Saturday afternoon after spending the day together, my wife of 6 and a half years told me she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. We weren't fighting, weren't arguing, didn't even have a disagreement. We had some financial issues and sometimes lived slightly above our means. A little background, I am 44 and she is 29. We started dating when she was 20, met through a mutual friend. She actually persued me and kept talking about marriage. Approximately a year and a half after dating, we got engaged and a year and 4 months later we married. A year after we married out first child was born and 17 months later our second one was born. I am a college grad and have a career and she has some college and a job. Last year I out earned her by 3 to 1. I never cared about who earned more, she controlled the funds since day one. I always told her, as long as you pay the bills, buy what you want (which was wreckless on my part). I never really bought myself anything. Most monies I spent was on her as well.

 

Back to the story, hindsight being 20/20, I noticed little hints she was dropping. She was saying she was bored. Asked me if I thought we would be married forever. Told me I had my time going out and hanging out in the clubs and bars and she did not. Her officer hired a recent college grad that was 22. This girl used to call my wife "grandma" and "old lady" because some nights we would go to bed at 10pm. I tried to explain to her that her coworker had no responsibility or kids and she had no idea what she's talking about. We have 2 children and we have to get them up for school, make lunches, give baths, get them dressed, make them brush their teeth, etc. At 22, this girl was making $9.50 an hour while waiting to be accepted into nursing school. She has no idea the damage she was causing.

 

Additionally, another "friend" of my wife was betrayed by her husband. After sticking by him for being a drunk, he left her for another woman. We even watched her kids for her while she moved out of her house. Afterward, she started seeing a beach lifeguard. She began, in graphic detail, to explain to my wife how great the sex was. My wife told me this and even joked (so I thought) that she wanted a lifeguard. I told her a lifeguard could never afford to maintain her lifestyle.

 

Then she springs this divorce thing on me. Within 3 weeks, I get serve papers. Mind you, we are still living in the same house in separate bedrooms. She would not speak to me about it, would not go to counseling, would not do anything to try and save it. Now to make this fair, I will tell you that I was not perfect. One year prior, some of my text messages came up on the computer. While they were inappropriate in nature, I never physically cheated on my wife. We did seek counseling for this, and the counselor helped us through this time. I will not make excuses, however, if anyone knows Firefighters, we are a unique breed of people. Firehouse banter is generally crude, and the female firefighters are generally more crude than the males. Not all, so if you are one, I'm not trying to insult anyone. Truthfully, if you're trying to have an affair with someone, you would not speak to them in the way we were texting. The marriage counselor saw this and helped my wife and I work through it. And since counseling worked, why not give it a try again?

 

Regardless of any reason, which she sited many, and blamed all on me, when you bring children into the world, you owe it to them to try and work things out. Again, we weren't fighting, so before anyone says anything of that sort for the sake of the kids, it didn't happen. In fact, 2 weeks prior, I sent her flowers for Valentines Day. She posted a pic on her Facebook and wrote how much she loves me and how I'm the best. Many of my friends asked me about this when I told them she wanted a divorce. Their comment to me was that didn't look the post of someone that was miserable. Clearly, I did not notice a miserable person. Was there stress? Sure. Everyone has stress of some kind. Was it worth the destruction of our family? I don't believe so. So, 4 months later, I'm still miserable. I see a change in my kids, especially my oldest, that is heartbreaking. This child used to walk into a room and her smile used to light up the place. She was so happy and bright. She would go up to people and hug them. When I asked her why, she said because it makes them smile. Now she seems angry. They don't like the back and forth between houses and my oldest keeps asking why we can't be a family.

 

My therapist said this sounds like quarter life crisis, but usually they don't file for divorce so quickly and they usually figure it out before it gets too out of hand. We are at the point where we don't even speak anymore. She hurt me in a horrible way because she didn't even give me a chance to work on the issues then within 2 months was on plentyoffish.com dating douchebags. I'm very confused. I feel like I was used, but what kind of person would have kids with someone to use them. Clearly, this isn't the person I married. I feel like I don't know her anymore.

[Mr. Lucky]

A little background, I am 44 and she is 29. We started dating when she was 20, met through a mutual friend.

 

If my math is correct, you were 35 and she was 20 - a huge gap in maturity and development that she may never have bridged. Add in two young kids and you're probably right, she may be having an identity crisis.

 

H She hurt me in a horrible way because she didn't even give me a chance to work on the issues then within 2 months was on plentyoffish.com dating douchebags.

 

She's dating while you're living in the house together ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[SoFlaFF]

 

 

She's dating while you're living in the house together ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry should have been more clear. After she served me divorce papers, she moved out. So basically within 3-4 weeks after the sprung this on me she got her own place with the help of her father, who currently on his 4th wife.

 

You are correct on your math and your assessment about her maturity. Even her mother agrees with me on the fact that she should have afforded me the opportunity to work on this.

[Mr. Lucky]

Even her mother agrees with me on the fact that she should have afforded me the opportunity to work on this.

 

Sucks when it comes down this way. Who has primary custody of the kids? How is your time with them?

 

I'm also going to assume you have a lawyer and are actively protecting your - and your kids - interests...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SoFlaFF]

Sucks when it comes down this way. Who has primary custody of the kids? How is your time with them?

 

I'm also going to assume you have a lawyer and are actively protecting your - and your kids - interests...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We have 50/50 custody. The kids have a blast when I have them and tell me she doesn't play with them. I have a family attorney in my family so I've been protected since the beginning but it still sucks. I never thought I would need their services.