Affair success stories??

[nightmare01]

Wow you guys are harsh... but I kind of expected that I know how it probably sounds... all cliches... We were friends for a few years before anything happened, both in similar loveless marriages, we grew closer and fell in love... I just wanted some hope that it can work out. You say we've crushed our partners etc but surely leaving an unhappy relationship is the best thing to do??

 

When my WW and her OM were in their affair there was a lot of talk about how they just met each other at the wrong time - that they should have met earlier and if that had happened they would have been married and happy.

 

Soon after her affair ended and I found out - she said she had "lots of happy memories with her OM".

 

I tolerated this dreamboat talk for awhile then showed her the door.

 

The truth is that I know her personality, and from what I saw of OM (he was at our house several times (that's another story)) had they gotten together it would have been a train wreck. That "success" for them would have been my best revenge.

 

Needless to say my WW realized what she was about to loose and did a 180, and we are fine today.

 

That's not to say that some, maybe many, affairs result in relationships that work on some level.

 

I know of 3 couples, where there was an affair and the wayward left for their AP. 2 of the couples married - but more affairs happened in those marriages. the 3rd couple stayed together and both of them cheated on each other after that.

 

So I don't have any success stories.

 

My opinion is that a relationship that starts as an affair is made up of 2 people who have no trouble lying to their partner. As is said - if they'll do with you, they'll do it to you. YMMV though

[2.50 a gallon]

I have seen the term affairiages, meaning a marriage of a couple who began their relationship as an affair. Many on this board like to loudly claim almost all affairiages never last. Actually I have known and know of quite a few couples who married after divorcing their betrayed spouses.

With the present day divorce rate, I would say that their marriages last just as long, and maybe even longer than average

 

My former best friend and former BIL began an affair with a co-worker, that led to my sister and him divorcing. They married shortly after they got their decrees and have been married now for coming up on 35 years. While my sister has remarried and divorced twice more.

 

Now the bad news! None of their children want to have hardly anything to do with them. He and my sister had two girls, the oldest married young and had two kids. While the younger one worked her way thru college got her BS and MS, and finally married in her mid-30's. It was her future husband, a good Christian man, who insisted the she invite her father. At the wedding I had to introduce him to his 17 year old grandson, and 13 year old grand daughter. The only time he had seen them had been at their christening.

Edited July 15, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon

[ConfusedKT]

i don't want to give you any "false hope" & i think you already know that you need to think of YOU and YOUR LIFE 1st... but this does happen. in a lot of "affair success" stories, one or both APs went back and forth for some time OR took some time off from each other. not sure what's going on in your situation & relationship -- but this doesn't neccessarily mean that it's over. some folks DO come around.

 

it takes time for folks to adapt and choose, to fully understand the big change in their lives. it's hard to leave, especially when you do care about your spouse & feel guilt.

 

be careful. this is a difficult period for the both of you, not a lot of time has passed. so try to comfort him and be support as best as you can and see what happens. if he's serious about you & if he wants to be with you -- he'll eventually make it happen. time will tell, i guess.

 

Thank you... this means a lot to me xx

[ConfusedKT]

What bothers me about this story is that he doesn't communicate properly. If his intention is to make the break up easier for his wife, then he should be upfront about it If you're important in his life, then you have a right to know what he's doing and why. The only thing you say is that you THINK that he wants to make the break up easier for his wife. But you do you know? What's really going on? you have a right to know, and the lack of communication on his part is a sign that he doesn't really consider you. That would pisss me off.

 

Thank you - yes this is what pisses me off. He has said he just wants the situation to be amicable which obviously we'd all prefer but now she knows why try and pacify her? Just sort it and move on!

[cocorico]

Has anyone had an affair and ended up in a long term relationship with that person??

 

I think ours qualifies as a success / good news story. We had an A that lasted just over three years, then he left the BW and we got M pretty much as soon as his D was through. We've been blissfully happy ever since, which is a good numbers of years now.

 

The kids responded well to the D, are now all grown and it of the house, leading happy and productive lives. His xW continued to hassle us - unable to move on, unwilling to get help for her issues - but she's just background noise in our lives.

 

If your BF appears to be dithering, perhaps he's not yet ready to make a clean break. That does sometimes happen and there have been a number of people on these boards posting similar stories over the years. When he is really ready to leave, he will walk without a backward glance. But until then, he may waver and you may find yourself tossed about emotionally. If he looks like this is where he's at, you might need to step back to protect yourself until he is really ready to make the break.

[elaine567]

The success story I know of IRL resulted in both walking out of their marriages in their fifties, with essentially nothing.

They both gave up lovely homes to live in a small apartment together, but together was more important than anything for them and every-time I saw them they looked very happy together and they had that look of love about them.

I think they did the right thing.

That resolve and real love, is sadly what is lacking here, I feel.

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content retained.

[Arieswoman]

Confused KT,

I know of 3 girls whose husbands cheated and the WS left for the other woman.

 

In two cases the husband left within 2 months of starting the 4th ( ! ) affair.

Of these, one got married as soon as the divorce was through but died 2 years later of stomach cancer.

The other couple are still together but not married.

 

In the third case WS left the BS about a month after meeting his AP and moved out. They divorced. I do not know if they are still together as about 2 years later BS died of breast cancer and I lost contact with her family.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

In my own situation exH cheated and I threw him out and divorced him naming the OW (who was engaged to another guy). Once he was free she didn't want him and dumped him.

 

So I told her fiance and he dumped her.

 

So she went crawling back to my exH and they got together again.

 

After 4 years of being together and no sign of marriage she got pregnant and they got married.

 

They are still together 20+ years later.

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Tangentially topical content retained.

[gettingstronger]

I feel like you guys would have a better shot if you both came clean about your relationship- I think that having that secret between you two would be hard to overcome, especially since his wife knows- just seems like it would prolong the drama and insert difficulties in an already difficult situation-

[Sub]

To the OP, I would focus on the smaller successes. You both left M's you weren't happy in. You should see that as a success for each of you. If the only success that matters is happily ever after with your AP, you're probably going to be waiting a while. If you're looking for other "success stories" to help you feel more comfortable with the choice you've made, maybe you need to re-evaluate the new R and just be happy you're not in an unhappy M.

[Chi townD]

Stats state that less than 7% of relationship that start up as affairs actually make it the long haul. Those relationship only last anywhere between 2 to 5 years. And why? Because the foundation of your relationship is built on the pain of others!!! So, on this subforum you'll find hundreds of threads that are filled with pain, sadness and devastation from broken people because of the same actions you've done to your marriage. You won't find too many "happy" threads here.

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted some horrible language

[sweet_pea]

Has anyone had an affair and ended up in a long term relationship with that person?? Im married and started having an affair with a married man. We both left our partners, me around 6 months ago, him about a month and we planned to make a life together. His wife has since found out about the affair and is giving him a lot of hassle. He's now cooked things off with me almost completely because he says he feels guilty for hurting her. He says he still wants to be with me but wants time to sort things with her. I'm very confused... Was just hoping to hear some good news stories!!

 

Depends on what you consider successful. I have a personal example but I wouldn't say their relationship is very successful (from their own words), however they have been together for a few years (on and off). I know there are posters here who've successfully transitioned into an out-and-in-the-open relationship and things are going well, according to them! Seems like it's really just a matter of how you handle the ending of the relationships, and if y'all are both all in and serious about things.

[Minnie09]

 

 

Stats state that less than 7% of relationship that start up as affairs actually make it the long haul. Those relationship only last anywhere between 2 to 5 years. And why? Because the foundation of your relationship is built on the pain of others!!! So, on this subforum you'll find hundreds of threads that are filled with pain, sadness and devastation from broken people because of the same actions you've done to your marriage. You won't find too many "happy" threads here.

 

 

I always doubt those stats. I mean, how scientifically correct are they? Who's the researcher, what surveys are used, what's the target group, who are the respondents and who evaluates the whole thing? The only reliable data are those that are collected based on court records. And yes, we can see from those - clearly - that divorce rates are higher for 2nd and 3rd Ms, but that's - IMO - due to higher family-related stress factors such as coparenting, contact and difficulties with ex-spouses, step children and so forth. Family merging is no walk in the park.

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to edited quote redacted

[ladydesigner]

My parents are considered a "successful affair" because they are still together. They have been together for 43 years. They both had exit affairs, both were married when they met and left almost immediately to be together.

 

My mom did go on to have 3 more A's on my dad though.

[RightThere]

My mom did go on to have 3 more A's on my dad though.

 

Yeaaaaahhhh......I don't think that counts as success.

[ladydesigner]

Yeaaaaahhhh......I don't think that counts as success.

 

No I agree:laugh:, but they are still married.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think it is fair to say that there are some affairs that transition into marriages. I think it is fair to say that some of those marriages will transition into a fulfilling marriage.

 

It is also fair to say...that that^ is not the norm.

 

I found the comment that MOST second marriages are borne from an affair inaccurate. From my experience (2nd marriage) and that of my family, extended family and friends....not one is an affair marriage....and there are lots of 2nd marriages.

[goodyblue]

I think it is fair to say that there are some affairs that transition into marriages. I think it is fair to say that some of those marriages will transition into a fulfilling marriage.

 

It is also fair to say...that that^ is not the norm.

 

I found the comment that MOST second marriages are borne from an affair inaccurate. From my experience (2nd marriage) and that of my family, extended family and friends....not one is an affair marriage....and there are lots of 2nd marriages.

 

I agree. I am the only person in my family who is married to my FMM. I think it is probably more than the stats say but it's not a very high stat. The thing is... there is really no way to get any accuracy because people lie. The fact is, it won't work unless you do the hard work. Most people just are not willing.

[Sassy Girl]

My dad is a success story. He and the OW have been married 28 years now.

 

 

He lost his children in the process though... all of them

[HurtOfGlass]

My dad is a success story. He and the OW have been married 28 years now.

 

 

He lost his children in the process though... all of them

 

Does he have any children with OW? Just asking.

[velvette]

Has anyone had an affair and ended up in a long term relationship with that person?? Im married and started having an affair with a married man. We both left our partners, me around 6 months ago, him about a month and we planned to make a life together. His wife has since found out about the affair and is giving him a lot of hassle. He's now cooked things off with me almost completely because he says he feels guilty for hurting her. He says he still wants to be with me but wants time to sort things with her. I'm very confused... Was just hoping to hear some good news stories!!

 

My H and I had an affair which turned into a marriage of over 30 years. I would call it successful now, but it took us a very long time to get to that point and its not a path I would recommend to anyone else.

 

 

I think successful M's out of A's are fairly rare. I don't know of very many in real life.

 

 

A's are almost without exception dysfunctional relationships imo. And, the people involved in them usually have issues. That makes having a successful M very difficult if not impossible.

 

 

Even without serious issues, having an A takes a certain amount of selfishness, immaturity and lack of empathy. As well as usually involves conflict avoidance and lack of problem solving skills. None of that bodes well for a successful M.

[minimariah]

My dad is a success story. He and the OW have been married 28 years now.

 

 

He lost his children in the process though... all of them

 

my dad, too. been with the OW for almost 20 years now.

 

didn't lose his kid though.

[autumnnight]

My H and I had an affair which turned into a marriage of over 30 years. I would call it successful now, but it took us a very long time to get to that point and its not a path I would recommend to anyone else.

 

 

I think successful M's out of A's are fairly rare. I don't know of very many in real life.

 

 

A's are almost without exception dysfunctional relationships imo. And, the people involved in them usually have issues. That makes having a successful M very difficult if not impossible.

 

 

Even without serious issues, having an A takes a certain amount of selfishness, immaturity and lack of empathy. As well as usually involves conflict avoidance and lack of problem solving skills. None of that bodes well for a successful M.

 

I am so glad that your story turned out to have a fulfilling end and that you were able to work through the issues you had and come out the other side strong and wise. Did you have support as a couple to help you through this? I know some people, once they find out a marriage started as an affair, wash their hands and refuse to help the couple, which is sad.

[William]

Folks, I saw a late post which looked out of place here so did a quick scan and saw a whole bunch of off-topic commentary so I'll close this up and get that cleaned up. My apologies for not catching this more quickly. I need to remind the other moderators to check the infidelity forums more often because things get out of hand quickly in here.

 

I should have this cleaned up presently and I'll review content for inclusion into a consolidated success story thread if the thread starter didn't substantively make the thread about their own affair.

 

Edited to add thread cleanup complete, a few members moderated or suspended and, noting the thread starter hasn't been here in awhile, I'll leave the thread closed and in current location pending their return; if desired, they may hit the 'alert us' button on this post and request the thread be reopened for their comments or questions. Thanks for your participation!

Edited July 16, 2015 by William
Thread cleanup completed.