Can this marriage last without trust?

[jackiec22]

Okay so I've posted my past issue on here, in this thread... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/523425-husband-s-female-friend

 

There was an update on PAGE 3 (june 10th)...

 

I STILL feel like I cannot trust him, and I still have not confronted him about the June 9th call. I don't even want to because I am not ready to hear some dumb excuse!

I am asking in this thread how exactly is this marriage supposed to work if I find myself stalking the phone bill everyday, just waiting for him to mess up!

 

I noticed he was texting a number I didn't know on June 19th, and I honestly left it alone. Didn't say anything, didn't try to figure out who it was...

 

One day, curiosity got the best of me when I noticed that same phone number was saved in his iphone notes as if he deleted it from his phone, and kept it there so he still had it.

I called the number using *67. I found out from this call that it was Teresa... and yes, her voicemail had her last name, and yes, I know who Teresa is...

 

It's his ex girlfriend from high school....

 

Here's the reasons this didn't fly with me...

 

1) A while back, he was uncomfortable with certain ex's I had on facebook, or old crushes I had on facebook, and he asked me to delete them. Even though honestly, I never even spoke to them on facebook, I just had them on there because they sent me a friend request. So, I deleted them.

 

2) When I went on his facebook account back in February, or whenever it was when I decided to look at his stuff for the first time, I saw messages with him and Teresa.

In the messages, she says "of course, we can be friends!" and that's how the message starts, nothing before that, indicating it was deleted (to me at least).

When I confronted him the first time about Kassi (girl in previous thread mentioned above), I told him I was uncomfortable with Teresa too, considering the messages were weird.

And also, it was a double standard that I had to delete my ex's (that I never even spoke to,and who live far away), and he kept his (that he spoke to, and who live locally!)

 

3) On the afternoon of June 19th (the day he texted his ex), he sent me numerous texts about him not trusting me, and him being sick of having a shady wife. I was so confused by this because I literally didn't do anything! I interpreted this as he had just talked to his ex, and clearly was projecting his guilt onto me!

4) His instagram is private, and he doesn't even follow me on it, and he denied my request to follow him, yet I saw her instagram (yeah, I'm stalker-esque, I get it), and saw that they follow each other on instagram, AND he comments on her pictures, and "likes" ALL of her selfies.

 

He cut these people out of his life... so he says. Apparently not, and I can't stop stalking! And checking! And ultimately, going crazy!

 

I keep saying "okay, he has one more screw up before I confront him, and leave him". And another one occurs, and I still get lost in this cycle.

 

I am hurt.

I don't know what to do.

I can't see us lasting if I feel like I can't trust him.

I know I have to talk to him, but I can't bring myself to gain the courage to do so.... please help...

[pondhawk]

4) His instagram is private, and he doesn't even follow me on it, and he denied my request to follow him

 

YOU WANT THAT AS A HUSBAND???

 

This guy is clearly up to no good. How many girls does he have to contact behind your back before enough is enough? He projects. He's sneaky. What is attractive about this guy??

A separation, AT LEAST, is in order.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Deception is crappy and a soul killer.

(((hugs)))

[Grumpybutfun]

I always wonder if this is really how you want to waste your one life in these situations. If you can't trust him and if this seems to be something he isn't really making you feel safe about, what the point of having a relationship and building a life on an unsteady foundation?

Best,

G

[pondhawk]

I also want to add that there are so many good, true men out there who would move heaven and earth to be with a quality woman. They're out there...you don't need this clown.

 

You once posted that you have trouble trusting because of past relationships....maybe your "picker" is broke? Could you be subconsciously attracted to some trait of a person fidelity challenged? Counseling can help resolve underlying issues.

Edited July 14, 2015 by pondhawk
typo

[jackiec22]

I agree with the responses I've recieved so far... I'm just at a loss at what to do.

We started out so well, and have worked through a lot.

I go to therapy...

And we have two wonderful kids together.

I know if I read this, I would say "confront him! Leave him!" But I feel like it's a lot easier said than done. I hate this.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know if I read this, I would say "confront him! Leave him!" But I feel like it's a lot easier said than done. I hate this.

 

Doesn't mean it can't be fixed but does mean you'll have to address head-on the issues involved. Is there a reason you've waited a month to do so?

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

He calls you shady when he has the private Instagram account.

 

He messages his ex GFS, but you deleted yours at his request.

 

That double standard is not acceptable, but you've accepted it.

 

Do you have problems communicating with each other?

Would he go to MC with you?

That could be a neutral place to air your issues.

 

If you can't talk to him , try writing how you feel. Stating you want a better marriage and make your concerns clear. Arrange a babysitter and get out of the house to talk calmly.

 

Now if your H shows no interest and doesn't seem to care, you need mentally prepare for a life without him and start the 180.

 

I once had a situation with my H and after I laid out how I felt , I told him that if he didn't stop communicating with a certain person, I wouldn't be happy and I was going to mentally/emotionally detach from him because I needed to protect myself. I knew he wasnt cheating, but I just didn't like the contact. He was afraid of my detachment and he cut off the contact.

 

Now if your H shows no interest and doesn't seem to care, you need men

[SammySammy]

This is just my opinion, but I've determined that I need four things in a relationship - love, trust, respect and acceptance.

 

The absence of either of those puts the relationship in jeopardy and may mean that I don't really have a functioning relationship at all.

[jackiec22]

I waited so long because I wanted concrete evidence. I've realized I'll never get more evidence than him actually contacting these girls.

I know about the communication, but I have no idea what the texts say. I've never gone on his phone... Even if I did, they would be deleted.

My fear of seeing what any message actual says is too large to physically go near his phone! But clearly, I'm going insane about it, and him contacting them after cutting them off is enough of trust betrayal to be upset about it...

 

And yes, I have severe issues with communication. I HATE confrontation. I hate long talks, and will often stuff my feelings away and grow resentment. My therapist sees how wrong this is, and encourages open communication, and honesty. I've gotten a lot better, but for some reason, I'm just dreading this one.

Also, no, he won't go to marriage counseling with me, to answer previous question.

[sandylee1]

I waited so long because I wanted concrete evidence. I've realized I'll never get more evidence than him actually contacting these girls.

I know about the communication, but I have no idea what the texts say. I've never gone on his phone... Even if I did, they would be deleted.

My fear of seeing what any message actual says is too large to physically go near his phone! But clearly, I'm going insane about it, and him contacting them after cutting them off is enough of trust betrayal to be upset about it...

 

And yes, I have severe issues with communication. I HATE confrontation. I hate long talks, and will often stuff my feelings away and grow resentment. My therapist sees how wrong this is, and encourages open communication, and honesty. I've gotten a lot better, but for some reason, I'm just dreading this one.

Also, no, he won't go to marriage counseling with me, to answer previous question.

 

 

Your options :

 

1) say nothing and remain unhappy

 

2) say nothing, detach and find happiness within yourself

 

3) send him an email and ask if you can talk. State how his

Secrecy is a concern and ask how he can address your concerns

just to balance things, ask if there's anything you do that makes

him feel unsafe or concerned

 

4) Tell him you no longer wish to stay in a marriage without trust and tell him you are filing for D. You say you've tried to discuss but with no success and you have no option. If you do this make sure you've consulted with a lawyer and they are ready to serve once you give the go ahead

 

If he wants to save the marriage , you'll know at this point.

 

To do nothing will get you back where you started. The cycle will repeat while you don't address it . Bite the bullet and deal with it .

 

 

Is this a happy marriage apart from this?

Do you go out and have fun?

Is he caring and loving?

How has he changed since you got married?

Is he a good father?

Do you work? Could you support yourself and the kids if you had to?

Is the marriage worth being in ?

[Friskyone4u]

Jackie,

 

You are right. It is easier said than done, but if not done you are the one who gets hurt. At some point you are going to have to confront him OR accept you are living in a one sided open marriage. People do this but it is not an easy road, and do you really think your kids will be better off in a long term dysfunctional home becausae Daddy is dating and Mommy is miserable.

 

TGhe answer to your question is NO , a long term marriage cannot thrive without trust. It can survive in a lousy state if one partner just sucks it up.

 

It all depends on what YOU need and want in life

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm confused about what it is you're seeking from us. I mean, your question is "Can this marriage last without trust" and the overwhelming consensus is basically no. And relationships are rarely easy all the time so why would your situation be any different?

 

Does it feel like it can last? How long do you think you can continue ignoring the pink elephant in the room?

 

You've admitted that you're horrible at communication, deathly afraid of confrontation, trust is clearly broken and an ongoing issue in your marriage, you're going mental obsessing about what he's doing behind your back and on and on it goes.

 

I think it's time to dig deep and deal with these issues head on before it's too late and whatever chance you had at saving your marriage are gone for good.

 

Good luck.

[Got it]

I waited so long because I wanted concrete evidence. I've realized I'll never get more evidence than him actually contacting these girls.

I know about the communication, but I have no idea what the texts say. I've never gone on his phone... Even if I did, they would be deleted.

My fear of seeing what any message actual says is too large to physically go near his phone! But clearly, I'm going insane about it, and him contacting them after cutting them off is enough of trust betrayal to be upset about it...

 

And yes, I have severe issues with communication. I HATE confrontation. I hate long talks, and will often stuff my feelings away and grow resentment. My therapist sees how wrong this is, and encourages open communication, and honesty. I've gotten a lot better, but for some reason, I'm just dreading this one.

Also, no, he won't go to marriage counseling with me, to answer previous question.

 

Jackie, are you investigating or pain shopping? To me it looks more like pain shopping. You know what he is doing, regardless if he admits to it or not, and you know he is going to continue to lie. You can accept it or not. You don't need his permission to end things, you don't need to get his acknowledgement of transgressions to end things, you can decide on your own for your self that you need to end things.

 

I know it isn't easy. Are you in individual counseling? Sure you can go full on investigating to try and catch him dead to the rites but do you need that? How much more evidence do you need? If this was your child, what would you advise them?

[jackiec22]

Thank you all for the responses! I just needed to know that I wasn't crazy, and you guys have helped me realize that he really is completely in the wrong with this. I also don't think marriage can't survive without trust, but I'm worried that even after confrontation, I still won't ever trust him. I just don't know how to at this point. I think it's gone too far... However, I will be confronting him after I organize all of my thoughts, and "evidence".

 

To answer these questions....

 

Is this a happy marriage apart from this? It is a happy marriage, we enjoy each others company, and the sad thing is that most of the people who know us are envious of how much time we spend together, and how "Good" things are with us. There's just this...

 

Do you go out and have fun? We don't go out, but we spend every night when the kids go to bed together, and enjoy each other's company.

 

Is he caring and loving? I don't know how to answer this, he's not mean, but he's not overly loving or anything.

 

How has he changed since you got married? Since we got married, he's been more 'possessive' in my opinion. Sometimes, we have a parent/child relationship, which my therapist has discussed with me because I have ADHD, and she said it's a common dynamic for couples like that and it's something we work on.

 

Is he a good father? He's an amazing father.

 

Do you work? Could you support yourself and the kids if you had to?

I'm a stay at home mom, and am 100% supported by him, but I have my parents who would help, but they live two hours across the state.

 

Is the marriage worth being in ? I don't know at this point.

[sandylee1]

Thanks. Some of those questions were to get you to think about the marriage and how much your H values it. I think men married to SAHM hate pulling the plug because it costs them big time.

 

Some people hate conflict so much, they just file for D. I don't think that's fair without telling the other spouse what your issues are.

 

Do you know if his Ex GF or the others live where he could get to?

 

Does he travel with work? Spend nights away?

 

Do you usually know where he is when he's not home?

 

Is your physical relationship good?

 

Do you think he'd be suprised if you seperated /divorced?

 

 

The things he's telling his Ex about you being shady , are the things that the OW believe and they slip into an affair , justifying it with ' his wife is sneaky ' 'he doesn't trust her, she's probably having an affair herself '. Your H is doing that to reel them in and gain sympathy and they will believe it, because it's the gospel according to my MM.

 

 

How might he react if your Instagram was private? Or if you blocked him on FB?

[kendahke]

When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you like the person you see looking back at you? Do you like who you've had to become in order to have this man in your life? Is she anything like the person you used to be before you knew this man? Is she the person you want to grow older being? Do you like how she has to feel in order to keep this man in your life?

[kendahke]

Jackie, are you investigating or pain shopping?

 

excellent!!! Well said.

[kendahke]

I waited so long because I wanted concrete evidence. I've realized I'll never get more evidence than him actually contacting these girls.

I know about the communication, but I have no idea what the texts say. I've never gone on his phone... Even if I did, they would be deleted.

My fear of seeing what any message actual says is too large to physically go near his phone! But clearly, I'm going insane about it, and him contacting them after cutting them off is enough of trust betrayal to be upset about it...

 

And yes, I have severe issues with communication. I HATE confrontation. I hate long talks, and will often stuff my feelings away and grow resentment. My therapist sees how wrong this is, and encourages open communication, and honesty. I've gotten a lot better, but for some reason, I'm just dreading this one.

Also, no, he won't go to marriage counseling with me, to answer previous question.

 

How badly do you want marriage with this man? You want it so badly that you're jacking up your insides with stress trying to make this man be someone he has no interest in being for you?

 

You're dreading it because you want to keep him and not make him mad at you... getting angry and confronting Teresa or whomever is the easier target because you're not emotionally invested in Teresa or whomever. You're more worried about keeping his friendship than you are standing sentry to your boundaries and administering severe consequences for how you're being treated because on some level, you don't believe you deserve to be treated better than this. I say this because one with healthy self esteem would have told him where to go and quick how to get there by now.