Is this just friends

[strugglingrobert]

I am looking for what most of you would think by reading this message. Could this be only a friend or is this something that you would only tell someone that you love? Let me know!

 

"I don't know exactly how to describe our friendship because I feel a unique connection with you that I have not experienced much in my 35 years its effortless and I feel like i could talk to you for a lifetime and never get tired of it"

 

This message is from a married women to a male coworker.

[drifter777]

No, this is not "just friends". At a minimum it is an inappropriate emotional relationship with this man. Its also familiar enough for me to suspect they've had sex. Or they will very soon.

[strugglingrobert]

That is what I told her when I read this message. All I go back from her is there is nothing bad about the message. This message was also taken out of a full page farewell letter/email to this guy leaving the company they both worked at.

Edited July 15, 2015 by strugglingrobert

[sandylee1]

The fact that she wrote a letter to a colleague leaving the company is quite telling in itself.

 

I feel that she found it very easy to talk to this man and conversation flowed with no effort. I suspect they were able to talk about anything without feeling uncomfortable about it. Almost as though she was speaking with one of her girlfriends.

 

There was once someone I could have said the same things about , as were in her message, but there was also a mutual physical attraction at the time. The only thing that stopped it going further was that I had a BF and he a GF. Actually, he still wanted it to go further regardless of his GF, but I refused.

 

We would speak on the phone for hours, just about life and relationships in general. Although he still tried to persuade me to take it further.

 

That isn't a message you'd write to someone you don't have strong feelings for. What's more is she wants him to know this.

 

Have you asked how she'd feel or what she'd think if you wrote a letter like that to another woman? Would she think it was perfectly acceptable?

 

I find flipping it round can be helpful.

[understand50]

Is this message the only thing you think that maybe inappropriate? Does your gut tell you she may have or is going to cheat?

 

I have friends, that I am "close" to, two are female. We have never crossed a line, but we have and do talk from time to time. We sometimes talk about our spouses. What keeps us on the up and up, is my wife is also friends with them, and they talk as well.

 

So, if nothing is going on, it could be your wife writing farewell, to someone she was "close" to in a friendship way, business relationship, at worst, they have been physical, or had a emotional affair.

 

Myself, I would check this out, by first looking at your wife's phone to see if there is any contact past business, and look for other signs. I would not expect anything, but I would keep my eyes open. If I find nothing, great, and I hope you do not as well, but do not just dismiss this. On the other hand do not go into the "she must be cheating" mode until you have good information of such. Go into information gathering mode.

[HappyAgain2014]

She wants to sleep with him. The emotional connection is already there.

[Morro72]

No idea what this woman meant, but I can honestly say that I've had sex with every woman I've ever felt that way about.

[Sandy43]

An emotional affair at the very least.

[Clay]

I would tell her your not comfortable with her talking to the guy anymore. I would make it clear to her that if she feels she needs to talk to him she is choosing to put your marriage in jeopardy. I think as long as your calm and reasonable you might actually be able to reach her and show her it bothers you. If she gets defensive and starts calling you controlling then just tell her you don't control her and she can do what ever she wants. Its just that if she chooses to stay in contact with him you might choose to leave this marriage.

 

I found it best in my marriage that we both have firm expectations and boundaries on what each other will accept.

 

C

[RightThere]

It is definitely a red flag that your wife is connecting emotionally with someone else. At this stage, there may not be anything more than that, but this should be a huge kick in the balls that you need to get all in on fixing your relationship with your wife.

[Try]

I am looking for what most of you would think by reading this message. Could this be only a friend or is this something that you would only tell someone that you love? Let me know!

 

"I don't know exactly how to describe our friendship because I feel a unique connection with you that I have not experienced much in my 35 years its effortless and I feel like i could talk to you for a lifetime and never get tired of it"

 

This message is from a married women to a male coworker.

This is far more than just friends. At the very least, this is her being in or wanting an emotional affair (EA) with this person, and an EA is cheating when you are married to someone else. More importantly is that in telling this guy that she feel a "unique connection with" this guy that she has "not experienced much in my 35 years", is that she values her connection with the other man more than she has ever valued her connection with husband, and she wants the other man to know this. This is a love letter seeking to see if the other man feels the same way about her.

[Spectre]

That is what I told her when I read this message. All I go back from her is there is nothing bad about the message. This message was also taken out of a full page farewell letter/email to this guy leaving the company they both worked at.

 

Come on man, she wrote a FULL PAGE letter to this guy? I'm sorry but nope: something shady has been going on.

 

You need to divorce because your wife just told you there is nothing bad about writing another man a full page farewell letter whilst married.

[harrybrown]

How would she feel if you wrote that to a female co-worker?

 

huge red flag.

[Spectre]

Is this message the only thing you think that maybe inappropriate? Does your gut tell you she may have or is going to cheat?

 

I have friends, that I am "close" to, two are female. We have never crossed a line, but we have and do talk from time to time. We sometimes talk about our spouses. What keeps us on the up and up, is my wife is also friends with them, and they talk as well.

 

So, if nothing is going on, it could be your wife writing farewell, to someone she was "close" to in a friendship way, business relationship, at worst, they have been physical, or had a emotional affair.

 

Myself, I would check this out, by first looking at your wife's phone to see if there is any contact past business, and look for other signs. I would not expect anything, but I would keep my eyes open. If I find nothing, great, and I hope you do not as well, but do not just dismiss this. On the other hand do not go into the "she must be cheating" mode until you have good information of such. Go into information gathering mode.

 

If nothing at all was going on there is literally zero reason to write a one page farewell letter to the guy. This is not even about cheating. Whether she cheated or not she still thought this was acceptable behavior from a married woman. She still looked at her husband as he read over the *one page farewell letter to another man* and said she didn't find anything wrong with it.

 

How would she feel if you wrote that to a female co-worker?

 

huge red flag.

 

I get this logic of asking how she'd feel if the roles were reversed, but the problem is..people like this who say "nothing wrong with writing a one page letter to another man" would never in a million billion years admit they'd flip out if the roles were reversed. If she was that self aware she'd of never wrote this letter in the first place. I can probably count all the times I've seen someone here admit they would be mad if the situation was reversed...on one hand. I could still make the "one hand" claim even if I went and cutoff 50% of the fingers on my hand.

Edited July 15, 2015 by Spectre

[No Limit]

Those are the beginnings of an emotional affair-soon-to-become-physical. Run run run.

[Try]

I get this logic of asking how she'd feel if the roles were reversed, but the problem is..people like this who say "nothing wrong with writing a one page letter to another man" would never in a million billion years admit they'd flip out if the roles were reversed. If she was that self aware she'd of never wrote this letter in the first place. I can probably count all the times I've seen someone here admit they would be mad if the situation was reversed...on one hand. I could still make the "one hand" claim even if I went and cutoff 50% of the fingers on my hand.

I agree fully with this. When you ask them how they would feel if the roles were reversed, you are only giving them the opportunity to say that they would not mind as it is no big deal.

[sandylee1]

I agree fully with this. When you ask them how they would feel if the roles were reversed, you are only giving them the opportunity to say that they would not mind as it is no big deal.

 

It depends on the person. I flipped it round with my H because he was in contact with an Ex GF, although nothing was going on. I said if he thinks it's okay and hasn't got a problem with it , I will reconnect with my Ex BFs. He didn't like that idea at all. Also because I can be a bit stubborn , he knew I meant it.

[lolablue17]

"I don't know exactly how to describe our friendship because I feel a unique connection with you that I have not experienced much in my 35 years its effortless and I feel like i could talk to you for a lifetime and never get tired of it"

 

What difference doeas it make, how to define it ? Your wife wrote it loud and clear:

 

1. She has strong feelings to another man.

2. These feeling are much stronger than she the way feels about you, or any other man in her 35 years of life.

3. I guess she was hiding it from you until you found out.

 

There is no point with lecturing her or being angry with her - She spoke her words. You cannot change her true feelings. Now you just have to decide what do you want to do with it.

 

a. You can count on the fact that he is leaving, and hope her feelings will fade out because of it.

b. You can decide that it's Ok for your wife to be connected like this to another man or men.

c. you can leave, but if you stay, you should stay KNOWING and Accepting her feelings.

[d0nnivain]

It only proves friendship. Everybody is assuming there is more too it (& I can't disagree with that) but the only thing it proves does not amount to cheating.

 

You know at least one of these people. What does the behavior say? What does the rest of the letter say? Do you have deep conversations with either of these people?

 

I can't say for sure that they have crossed a physical line but I suspect one of them wants to.

[Try]

It only proves friendship. Everybody is assuming there is more too it (& I can't disagree with that) but the only thing it proves does not amount to cheating.

She may not be physically cheating, but she is emotionally cheating when she tells another man that she feels "a unique connection with" the other man that she has "not experienced" with her husband. Edited July 15, 2015 by Try

[Sastrugi]

Lolablue and try are right on.

 

those kind of conversations happen when you are in the "beginnings" of a relationship. No girl ever said anything to me like that unless it was right after sex.

[casey.lives]

it sounds like he should leave his wife and take up with this friend/co worker. no sense in being in a half-heart relationship with his wife, whom he probably deprives of communication, because he's not comfortable talking with her and bus talking to others. i think it's hard to talk to the person you share responsibilities with, because it's a heavier matter to them. They, after all, are the ones who need said talks most. relationships can be difficult, at times.. not just comfortable easy and fun ... but he should go!! let's see how "comfortable he is when he has to share responsibilities with his effortless "co-worker"

[Confused48]

It depends on the person. I flipped it round with my H because he was in contact with an Ex GF, although nothing was going on. I said if he thinks it's okay and hasn't got a problem with it , I will reconnect with my Ex BFs. He didn't like that idea at all. Also because I can be a bit stubborn , he knew I meant it.

 

This is the key to that strategy.

 

If you say theoretically, what if I ..... Then you get a big ok. But if you say, I'm going to get close with Miss X, that she knows, well then you will see a whole other type of response. You have to make it believable. If you can't follow through and she knows it, don't even try this.