Why do I want him to love me forever when I'm not even sure we'd be happy?

[Astridskylar]

hello,

 

I'm a MOW in a EA with a MM. I settled down with my H for mainly reasonable reasons: He is funny, decent, attracts me and makes a good living. I was 34 at the time and wanted a family, so even if he didn't make my heart race (or my body shiver), I decided that he was Mister good enough and we sice had 2 kids together. There has always been some degree of frustration in our relationship but I just pushed it under the rug.

 

This spring a man came on to me, offering everything I craved: excitement, compliments, fun, a mind blowing professional success... and he's married. His W and him have been sleping apart for a couple of years, and sometimes still engage in sex. He said he won't leave her for another 6 years, when his 2 kids go to college.

 

I've resisted having sex with him, out of respect for my H, even though we obviously have a great chemistry, but I couldn't keep away from him and we have been seeing each other regularly.

 

But now his W is on to me and even though she keeps calm, I know she's capable of ratting us out to my H and I'm very scared.

What boggles my mind is that , even though I'm not even sure him and me would be happy together (no desire to become a BW myself...), I'm completely stuck on makimg him fall madly in love with me? Why the h is that? Need for validation probably?

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and merge threads

[Popsicle]

Probably insecurity.

[anika99]

I think you need to stop seeing the married dude and start focusing on what's wrong in your marriage. You think your husband is Mr. Good Enough?

 

 

That is so sad, especially for him, as you seem to describe him as a good guy. He is also the guy who your kids love and the guy who loves your kids more than any other man ever will. You need to respect him and your kids enough to be honest with your husband and either tell him you are not happy with him and want a divorce or you want to go counselling to save the marriage. You are in an affair although it hasn't become physical yet. You can still get out of this and save your family.

[RainDown]

But now his W is on to me and even though she keeps calm, I know she's capable of ratting us out to my H and I'm very scared.

What boggles my mind is that , even though I'm not even sure him and me would be happy together (no desire to become a BW myself...), I'm completely stuck on makimg him fall madly in love with me? Why the h is that? Need for validation probably?

 

I'm going with excitement of the chase. You want excitement, thrills, conquest of an unattainable man and attention. Your husband bores you to tears.

 

Seems simple enough.

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Satu]

99% of affairs end in absolute misery for everyone involved. They leave permanent damage behind them.

 

Especially sad is the effect on the children, and the repercussions on their future lives and relationships.

 

Are you willing to inflict all this pain on these people?

 

Do you think it can be justified?

[Astridskylar]

since his wife sent me a message last friday i went 4 days without contacting him, because it all made me very sad, and also because i was afraid of freaking her out if she noticed he kept receiving messages. he contacted me last night, under a false pretense, and asked me how I was doing.

 

When i answered him, nicely, and told him swwet things, he didnt reply,even though he read the message. and when I wrote him this morning "nit even an answer?" he didnt reply either, even thoigh he s been connected at least 3 times today. I feel totally at loss, torn between thinking he is ignoting me for some reason ( His wife, getting bored, god knows...), or trying to stay calm and telling myself that he's just busy planning his trip ( hes leaving tommorow for a far away country where he will stay for a week and than his wife and kids join him for two weeks).

 

I ve given so much of myself to him, and Ive taken so many risks, and I know that part of him is sincere and does care for me. but how big is the coward/*******/already bored part?? if MM could give their input please? I know some of you will say that I should just drop it all with mo further questions, and I know they would be right, but I just cant do that right now, as certainky a lot of you will understand

Edited July 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Are you sure it wasn't her?

[GoldieLox]

You don't need a married man to help you out with this one. He's ignoring you because his wife is either suspicious or found out and he doesn't want to risk anything more. The above poster brought up a valid point; how do you know it wasn't his wife contacting you? If his wife does indeed know, bow out of this gracefully. Start NC and block him. He's not yours.

[Astridskylar]

Are you sure it wasn't her?

 

pretty sure because he made a reference to something only both of us (are supposed to ) know

 

then again, i can never know for sure

[sweet_pea]

Yeah, he's probably doing damage control right now so that may be why or his wife saw the message and thus, again, him doing damage control. I would leave it and not contact him right now, as hard as that will be.

[eleve82]

since his wife sent me a message last friday i went 4 days without contacting him, because it all made me very sad, and also because i was afraid of freaking her out if she noticed he kept receiving messages. he contacted me last night, under a false pretense, and asked me how I was doing. and when i answered him, nicely, and told him swwet things, he didnt reply,even though he read the message. and when I wrote him this morning "nit even an answer?" he didnt reply either, even thoigh he s been connected at least 3 times today. I feel totally at loss, torn between thinking he is ignoting me for some reason ( His wife, getting bored, god knows...), or trying to stay calm and telling myself that he's just busy planning his trip ( hes leaving tommorow for a far away country where he will stay for a week and than his wife and kids join him for two weeks). I ve given so much of myself to him, and Ive taken so many risks, and I know that part of him is sincere and does care for me. but how big is the coward/*******/already bored part?? if MM could give their input please? I know some of you will say that I should just drop it all with mo further questions, and I know they would be right, but I just cant do that right now, as certainky a lot of you will understand

 

 

 

 

 

Astrid, I'm not a man but as a woman who has been in similar situations with two timing men, I can assure you that you're right to think he is ignoring you. He IS a coward because he has already shown you he will not jeopardize his family ties for you or cut ties with you outright for his family. If you feel bad now, wait till you have more years invested. If you are sensible and respect yourself, you will leave him. For your own sanity, do what's right.

[RickFox]

He's not doing damage control. All he did was put you back on the hook. He threw the line, you bit, now he knows you're there for him when he wants. Period.

[RainDown]

He's not ignoring you. He messaged you to make sure you're still sitting on the shelf where he left you.

 

He'll come around again and pick you up off the shelf when he gets around to it. I wouldn't worry about it. He'll be back when it's convenient for him.

[HappyAgain2014]

He's fine. Once he knew you were still waiting for him, he knew he didn't need to invest any more time in talking to you right now. He knows if he does he will be faced with a bunch of questions and concerns.

 

His wife is already doing that so he doesn't want a double dose of reality.

[privategal]

Ive noticed alot of men seem to get into ea or pa with pregnant wives at home.

Be careful...its a phase..temporary...he's looking for attention and emotional support while his wife is achy, swollen, and needs him...he doesnt get turned on being needed..but rather wanted.

Im sure theres even more psychology behind it but all the attention at home is not on him.

Your just playing a role, filling a void.

Step back...quickly. Gain control.

[HappyAgain2014]

Is this MM exciting enough for you to face the prospect of becoming a part-time mother? When your husband finds out and dumps you, MM won't seem so exciting then.

 

If you're not happy in your marriage, be honest and work through divorce and custody issues. Otherwise, you'll lose everything while the MM slinks back to his wife.

[jwi71]

hello,

 

I'm a MOW in a EA with a MM. I settled down with my H for mainly reasonable reasons: He is funny, decent, attracts me and makes a good living. I was 34 at the time and wanted a family, so even if he didn't make my heart race (or my body shiver), I decided that he was Mister good enough and we sice had 2 kids together. There has always been some degree of frustration in our relationship but I just pushed it under the rug.

This spring a man came on to me, offering everything I craved: excitement, compliments, fun, a mind blowing professional success... and he's married. His W and him have been sleping apart for a couple of years, and sometimes still engage in sex. He said he won't leave her for another 6 years, when his 2 kids go to college.

I've resisted having sex with him, out of respect for my H, even though we obviously have a great chemistry, but I couldn't keep away from him and we have been seeing each other regularly.

But now his W is on to me and even though she keeps calm, I know she's capable of ratting us out to my H and I'm very scared.

What boggles my mind is that , even though I'm not even sure him and me would be happy together (no desire to become a BW myself...), I'm completely stuck on makimg him fall madly in love with me? Why the h is that? Need for validation probably?

 

You may want to begin shifting your focus.

Less on HIM and more on YOU - and the peril now looming over your M.

Why are you not asking yourself that very same question but about your H? Why not "work" at that?

 

What do you think happens when his W, rightfully, has a frank conversation with your H?

[whichwayisup]

since his wife sent me a message last friday i went 4 days without contacting him, because it all made me very sad, and also because i was afraid of freaking her out if she noticed he kept receiving messages. he contacted me last night, under a false pretense, and asked me how I was doing. and when i answered him, nicely, and told him swwet things, he didnt reply,even though he read the message. and when I wrote him this morning "nit even an answer?" he didnt reply either, even thoigh he s been connected at least 3 times today. I feel totally at loss, torn between thinking he is ignoting me for some reason ( His wife, getting bored, god knows...), or trying to stay calm and telling myself that he's just busy planning his trip ( hes leaving tommorow for a far away country where he will stay for a week and than his wife and kids join him for two weeks). I ve given so much of myself to him, and Ive taken so many risks, and I know that part of him is sincere and does care for me. but how big is the coward/*******/already bored part?? if MM could give their input please? I know some of you will say that I should just drop it all with mo further questions, and I know they would be right, but I just cant do that right now, as certainky a lot of you will understand

 

If you plan on being his OW for a long time, then accept your role in his life as the OW in an affair. This isn't a 'relationship' that you can rely on him like he was a regular boyfriend. He isn't committed to you, he has no obligations to you and he doesn't have to talk to you daily if he chooses not to and he's busy. He may be sincere but he certainly isn't making you a priority in his life, he ignores you and treats like you crap yet you stick around for more and more... He can be a jerk to you knowing full well he can quickly say sweet nothings in your ear and you'll forgive him since you've invested so much into him.

 

You should drop it, in fact I hope you end it because this guy is using you! He is going on holidays with his wife and child, he's living life with her and his family. Don't stick around, find respect and love for yourself by breaking it off with him.

[jwi71]

but how big is the coward/*******/already bored part?? if MM could give their input please? I know some of you will say that I should just drop it all with mo further questions, and I know they would be right, but I just cant do that right now, as certainky a lot of you will understand

 

Maybe...you are the one in a million. The lightning strike form above and this MM is your "one true love".

 

But, you are both a bit nervous and tentaive - after all you are both married to others.

 

So maybe, what your MM needs, is some reassurance. Something concrete. Something real. Something that says "ILY MM and we can certainly be together, live a life full of joy and unite our children like the Brady Bunch."

 

So here's what you do:

 

File for D.

 

Yup, tomorrow, hire a lawyer and file for D from your H. Nothing says commitment more than filing for D, moving out and being 100% available to the MM. No way he would miss that message. Surely, your actions will inspire him to do the same...

 

What's stopping you?

[Astridskylar]

Maybe...you are the one in a million. The lightning strike form above and this MM is your "one true love".

 

But, you are both a bit nervous and tentaive - after all you are both married to others.

 

So maybe, what your MM needs, is some reassurance. Something concrete. Something real. Something that says "ILY MM and we can certainly be together, live a life full of joy and unite our children like the Brady Bunch."

 

So here's what you do:

 

File for D.

 

Yup, tomorrow, hire a lawyer and file for D from your H. Nothing says commitment more than filing for D, moving out and being 100% available to the MM. No way he would miss that message. Surely, your actions will inspire him to do the same...

 

 

 

What's stopping you?

 

sounds like sarcasm...

 

im actually not really married but in a companionship, because my SO does not believe in marriage and has refused to tie the knot.

 

im not willing to risk damaging my children for a guy who does not answer my messages.

 

and, even if sone of you will scoff, i do love my SO, in a totally different way i admit.

 

i know NC is the way to go. i just hope ill muster the courage to keep it up.

[beach]

What was the message his wife sent you? What did she say?

 

Did you respond to her message?

[GoldieLox]

 

im not willing to risk damaging my children for a guy who does not answer my messages

 

But you already did risk that by engaging in an affair in the first place. Not judging, just stating.

[Astridskylar]

What was the message his wife sent you? What did she say?

 

Did you respond to her message?

 

like i said in another post, i always refused sex with him, because i think that even if youre not responsible for what you feel, you are responsible for what you do, and i could not have looked my h in the eye if i had had sex with another man. i know the way to go would have been to not even see this man, but i couldnt do that.

after each evening to gether i would feel really guiltry though and tel him that.

after a while he grew tired of the no sex guilt trip thing and broke up with me.

 

i then wrote him an emal saying that I understood, thanked him for the good time, told him he had really blown me away with his flamboyant personality, and wished him well.

his wife found it and had a fit. she told him she was leaving him, and he said ok (he always told me he would leave in 6 years when his kids would go to college), and told her that he thought they were through, and that it had nothing to do with me, and that for what is was worth he and i hadnt slept together but that we did have an emotional connection. he then contacted me to tell me to be careful because she could be vengeful.

 

after a couple of days she came round and came back home pretending all is fine, and started planning this summers family vacation.

him and i continued to be in contact and he then told me he wanted to keep on seeing me even if ze didnt have sex. so we saw each other a couple of times, still with no sex (but ill admit that part is getting harder to keep up), and tha last time was last thursday.

on friday i get a limkedin invitation from her, saying "hello, since you are blown away by my husband, it would please me for us to be connected". i first felt mocked, then scared, and then amused (i do appreciate her sense of humor actually). i didnt reply and of course ignored her invitation, as mm advised me to do. mm actually thought it was kinde funny.

 

<chat text redacted>

 

i dont knoz if hes just been plauing ne like a fool, if hes having regrets and is too coardly to admit it, or if he sjust being a cad and will contact me in a couple of days when he feels like it, or if he s feeling guilty tozards my h whose dad is slowly dying, or if it was his wife, or if he found his wife s message hilarious and that has sparked the love for her again, making me the utimate fool of this situation????

 

any input appreciated, especially from masculine minds!!

Edited July 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Break up wall of text

[William]

Folks, I merged three threads here on a similar topic so there may be some mixing of quotes and quoted content; be sure to re-read the entire thread when responding. I also tried to break up the walls of text as best possible without kicking the posts back for re-submission, so some quotes of those walls of text were edited. No respondent content on the topic was edited. Thanks and please continue!

[HappyAgain2014]

Quite simply, he's playing games with his wife and you. Despite his risky behavior and disrespect of both of you, he still has both of you.

 

Boys like games and this makes him feel so powerful and amused. Why would he want that to stop when his goal is to have sex with you?

 

He probably told his wife you are crazy or have a crush on him. What he didn't tell her is that he wants to have sex with you.

 

Again, he's acting like a boy while your husband is acting like a man taking care of his dying father. Right now, this is a little distracting game for you. You can't continue this and not have sex with the MM. Imagine how you'll feel then.