Fiance went for sex /tantra massage

[goingcrazy111]

Hello,

 

My fiance asked me to marry him in January, after three years of dating. Ever since, we have been planning our wedding and bought a house together. We have travelled together a lot in these past few months and had a great time. I considered our relationship to be absolutely great in every aspect and thought we were perfect for each other.

 

In April, my fiance showed me a documentary about tantra massages and asked me to go and get one as a couple. The thought of involving strangers into our sex life grossed me out and as a compromise I suggested that we do it alone. From that moment on, we did it regularly, watching tantra porn movies to teach us how to do it. My fiance seemed to absolutely love it and says he's never had such great orgasms. I liked it because it was very sensual and I thought it was a very intense experience.

 

Then we went on a holiday for two weeks where he had massages every day (I thought normal massages and the spas where he went looked like normal parlours). I believe they were normal full-body massages he got.

 

However, when we came back from our holiday, he asked me if I still wasn't willing to try the tantra-thing with professionals. I then said, we are doing it all the time and it is sex, sex is just between you and me. Then he asked if I minded if he went to get one alone. I honestly didn't think he was being serious. Had I known this I would have had a much stronger reaction. I regret that I didn't take this more seriously. I replied that to me it's sex with a prostitute, which goes against all my values. I said he was a free person, but that if he did it I would never have sex with him again. He told me he would tell me before he would go. After this conversation we did not have sex again because I wanted him to think about it and come to the conclusion that he prefers sex with me to a tantra massage with a stranger. However, we did not have sex for four weeks. After this very long time (we usually do it several times a week), I told him "let's have sex again, but please promise me you will never get a tantra massage from anyone other than me". When I said that he acted really strange and then admitted to me that he'd already had one a couple of weeks ago.

 

I completely freaked out. I coulnd't believe he would cheat as I always thought he was the most honest person I'd ever met. Plus we were both so happy with each other. He also says this and says he's never had better sex than with me. He keeps crying and says he didn't realise the pain this would cause me and that he wouldn't have done it, had he known he would lose me. Plus he says that he didn't consider it as cheating and that he would never cheat. In my mind all I see is a naked woman on top of him giving him a handjob (and who knows what else) for two hours. He claims this was the first time in his life he had paid sex/tantra massage, but my gut feeling tells me that he's done it before we were together.

 

He says I am the love of his life and he will never forgive himself for doing this. He begs me to give him a chance and says it will never happen again.

 

I don't know what to do. To me paid sex goes against my values and I've told him many times (even when you're single) and the fact that he cheated on me during one of our happiest times (engagement) is unbelievable to me. I also think that if he did it now, it will not be the last time. Next time he just won't tell me anymore. The night we got engaged I told him the only reason he would ever lose me would be cheating and that if he was prepared to have sex with only one woman for the rest of his life then we would be together forever.

 

There is one small detail that may or may not be connected. From the beginning of our relationship, he made me promise that I would never get a (normal) massage by a male masseur. I thought this was a bit overjealous, but did not read anything into it. However, now I wonder if there is a connection with the sex massage he got now.

 

My self-respect tells me there is no other choice than leaving him. However when I think of our amazing relationship and times together I get so sad because I don't think I'll ever find a man who I will love as much as him. He really ticked all my boxes (before knowing he was capable of cheating). Also, I've only had two relationships before him (3 years each), as I rarely feel a romantic connection with someone. FIY, our age is end 20s.

 

Thank you for any advice, this is the lowest point of my life.

[CarrieT]

he cheated on me during one of our happiest times (engagement) is unbelievable to me. I also think that if he did it now, it will not be the last time. Next time he just won't tell me anymore. The night we got engaged I told him the only reason he would ever lose me would be cheating and that if he was prepared to have sex with only one woman for the rest of his life then we would be together forever.

^ ^ THIS ^ ^

 

You already told him that he would lose you if he cheated. Now he has and if you don't stand by your word and convictions, he will know he can get away with it and do it again. And again. And again.

 

Read the infidelity forum of women (and men!) who stay with cheaters; why they do it, how they regret it, or why they believe they can't end the relationship.

 

Personally, I think you are too young to marry someone who already has shown a conviction for crossing boundaries with his partner. He will do it again....

[elaine567]

Seems to me a common story on here is my fiancé cheated on me before we got married, but I forgave him as I loved him, and now he seems to be cheating again, what do I do?

 

Do not get yourself into that mess. He has showed you who he is - take note.

You are not yet married, you can sell the house, unplan the wedding and you can move on and that is what I suggest you do.

Two kids later and pregnant again with a cheating spouse will be no fun for you and it damages kids too.

Think carefully here.

 

Cheating with prostitutes is difficult to get over for women, as hookers are everywhere, so he can take or leave that at will.

Other types of cheating involves opportunity and finding a willing partner and that is not always easy.

All your fiancé needs to cheat again is some spare cash.

Now he has crossed that boundary into paying for sex, he can do it again.

 

If he can cheat in the "honeymoon phase" of your relationship, how can you trust him to stay faithful to you, when you are up all night with screaming kids and your sex drive is low

[goingcrazy111]

Thank you for your replies (can you tell how desperate I am, I am checking this every minute). My mind and heart also tell me that the case is clear. The oooonly small hang up I still have is that I'm thinking maybe he really needed this experience to explore his sexuality and now that it has happened, it's out of his system.

[sandylee1]

Your fiancé is addicted to these massages. Having one every day for 2 weeks , then needing to go again is evidence of that. He's likely done it before you met and enjoys it so much he just can't let it go. He clearly finds the tantra a huge turn on.

 

You made it clear to him that you wouldn't have sex with him again if he went and he didn't care. Or if he cared, he cares more about his pleasure and isn't willing to let this 'habit' go.

 

It's very sad that your relationship could end, but he's shown you who he is. I give him a bit of credit for telling you the truth...........but at the very least think about postponing the wedding to give you thinking time and get some space from him to decide what to do.

 

If you decide to give him a chance, set up very firm boundaries and go one further to say that you have a prenuptial, stating that infidelity (and be specific what you mean including tantra, and any form of sexual contact) that arises during the marriage, will result in the unfaithful spouse receiving less than 50% of the marital assets upon dissolution of the marriage.

You can set the detail ime 70/30, 60/40, but consult with an attorney . If it's too unfair, it won't be enforced.

 

Whilst many argue that prenups aren't worth it, they are enforced and his willingness to do it should demonstrate some remorse.

[sandylee1]

I think he knows his sexuality, he just loves tantra. I can understand you don't want this all the time, but IF you stay with him, perhaps you can agree on tantra between the two of you once a fortnight or once a month as a special treat.

 

I would be very concerned about why he would risk it after what you said though.

 

I also think he needs to be totally honest about when this first started and to admit the frequency of his visits. If he says it was just this once, I wouldn't believe him.

 

When you start the conversation , tell him that any glimmer of hope depends on him telling you the whole truth and if he lies , you will know (insist on a poly) and the relationship is over for good.

 

He mentioned the male masseur thing for a reason.

[Satu]

He's demonstrated very clearly that he's a person who cannot be trusted.

 

Don't marry him, unless you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about what he might be doing, and probably is doing, behind your back.

 

That would break your heart, and make you old before your time.

[goingcrazy111]

Thank you. Well he loves tantra - I get it and that is why I did it with him several times a week!!! So I gave him tantra whenever he wanted it... but it wasn't enough, he wanted it from a stranger. That to me also shows that he needs variety and can't be with onlys one woman.

[HappyAgain2014]

Tantra massage? Fancy term for a handjob by a sex worker.

 

It's cheating and illegal. Will you bail him out when the police set up a sting operation and he gets arrested?

[Morro72]

Thank you for your replies (can you tell how desperate I am, I am checking this every minute). My mind and heart also tell me that the case is clear. The oooonly small hang up I still have is that I'm thinking maybe he really needed this experience to explore his sexuality and now that it has happened, it's out of his system.

Now that it's happened and he's liked it, it's IN his system. Along with God knows what else.

 

Time to call a real estate agent.

[Rockdad]

" A man is no more faithful than his options, no more no less. "

 

~Chris Rock

[SammySammy]

It's a shame people have tried to reduce tantra to a massage with a happy ending. That is NOT tantra.

 

Tantra is so much more than that. True tantra is actually a beautiful practice that could have benefited your relationship in many ways. It has absolutely nothing to do with the buying of sexual favors.

 

I'm sorry these "tantric massage" rip off artists not only distorted your perception of tantra, but assisted your boyfriend in bringing distrust into your relationship.

[elaine567]

he says that he didn't consider it as cheating and that he would never cheat.

 

This is what cheaters do, it is called minimizing their actions.

 

"Me? Cheat? Never, it was just a bj, a mistake, she came on to me ... and I couldn't stop her. I love you too much to ever cheat on you, you know that, babe. "

[mightycpa]

Two things tell me you should dump him:

 

He told me he would tell me before he would go. After this conversation we did not have sex again because I wanted him to think about it and come to the conclusion that he prefers sex with me to a tantra massage with a stranger. However, we did not have sex for four weeks. After this very long time (we usually do it several times a week), I told him "let's have sex again, but please promise me you will never get a tantra massage from anyone other than me". When I said that he acted really strange and then admitted to me that he'd already had one a couple of weeks ago.

 

Then there's this:

 

From the beginning of our relationship, he made me promise that I would never get a (normal) massage by a male masseur.

Clearly, it's not his first time at the tantra rodeo. When he first met you, and wanted you to himself, the thought of another man giving you a full body orgasm threatened him. I mean, what boyfriend even has this on his mind? A massage? Really? Anyway, now that he's got you, he's changed his attitude and he wants you to enjoy his favorite hobby as much as he does.

 

At least he's sharing his interests with you. You have to appreciate that. But he won't be able to stay away, or if he does, he'll resent you for it later, or finally break down, or both. I don't think you have much choice, not because he's a bad guy, but because you don't share the same values and your values will interfere with his hobby.

 

You might want to get him a gift certificate for a two-girl tantra massage as your unengagement present to him. Might as well send him off with a bang.

[Satu]

*He wanted it from a stranger. That to me also shows that he needs variety and can't be with onlys one woman.

 

*You mentioned the core issue right there.

 

This *need* of his won't just go away just because he says so.

 

If you marry him you will come to regret it.

 

Let's throw out the word, 'Tantra.' Tantra isn't the issue.

 

In this context, 'tantra' is a red herring.

 

The issue is his infidelity.

 

You're not even married yet, and he's cheated on you.

[sandylee1]

Thank you. Well he loves tantra - I get it and that is why I did it with him several times a week!!! So I gave him tantra whenever he wanted it... but it wasn't enough, he wanted it from a stranger. That to me also shows that he needs variety and can't be with onlys one woman.

 

It's in his blood like a drug and he can't resist it. What he wants now is a wife (and family ), with the freedom to get happy endings for life.

 

He can't go long without a tantra fix. Probably best to cut him loose

[CarrieT]

It's a shame people have tried to reduce tantra to a massage with a happy ending. That is NOT tantra.

 

Tantra is so much more than that. True tantra is actually a beautiful practice that could have benefited your relationship in many ways. It has absolutely nothing to do with the buying of sexual favors.

 

I'm sorry these "tantric massage" rip off artists not only distorted your perception of tantra, but assisted your boyfriend in bringing distrust into your relationship.

 

I want to "Like" this a THOUSAND times.

 

What he was doing had *nothing* whatsoever to do with real Tantric practices. He veiled in that term to get you to accept it.

 

Now he has you snookered into thinking it is "no big deal" when it is cheating through-and-through.

[Poppyolive]

Why do this to yourself? You deserve much much more respect, love and honesty. Please don't believe his words of oh, sorry I didn't realise, of course he did. Hes pushing boundaries. You need to stand firm . you say he ticks all your boxes, except he's cheating, well, then he doesn't tick all your boxes. You will find someone who ticks all and will not cheat. Don't give him the opportunity to do this again.

 

You know what to do. You will be OK.

[No Limit]

So on one hand you say you don't tolerate cheating, on the other hand you are planning to marry a man who will cheat throughout your marriage with prostitutes because he loves it and has already admitted it to you - the first and only time he will do it by the way.

 

One of you two will have to back down from their interests because they can't be aligned, and he won't do it. But should you decide to marry him anyway, please don't have unprotected sexual intercourse with him. Escorts and prostitutes will agree to unprotected sex if you flash them a few extra-dollars; heck, a few months ago a user posted about having caught HIV from just 2 visits to prostitutes in Atlanta (who didn't know she was infected). Take care.

[Grumpybutfun]

It sounds like a case of it is easier to say I'm sorry then to ask permission....he cheated. You are marrying a cheater who will lie to you and blatantly do things you ask him not to do while saying I'm sorry and crying for forgiveness while planning his next sex act.

You can dodge a bullet and break up with the cheater, or stand there for target practice until he destroys your life,

Grumps

[Mr. Lucky]

Then we went on a holiday for two weeks where he had massages every day (I thought normal massages and the spas where he went looked like normal parlours). I believe they were normal full-body massages he got.

 

Boy, I like a massage as much as the next guy, but every day for 2 weeks?

 

I'm going to guess they weren't "normal" massages...

 

Mr. Lucky

[understand50]

goingcrazy111,

 

You need to decide if this is a deal breaker, or if you can move on and marry him. He has cheated, no other way to state this. Does not matter how.

 

If you give him a 2nd chance, you will have to set boundaries, and hold to them. You will have to be on guard for this the possibility for this to happen again. I do not believe "once a cheater, always a cheater" People can change, but he will have to live his live open to you, if you are to have trust.

 

Wish you luck.

[AnotherSadSong]

Tantra sex massage. Isn't tantra sex really long. I think sex workers in the massage business are into quickies to make that dollar. Is he using it as an excuse to see hookers. This is what they are.

[AnotherSadSong]

I think he is using the word tantra to make it sound less pornographic and more sensual and sultry. He is manipulating your brain. I had tantra relief. No, he had sex with a stranger that he paid. He is a John.

[turnera]

What are you going to do?