Told him it's not working… begging some support :)

[spiderlily12]

I've posted here before but long story short… my best friend was a guy in a long term relationship. We caught feelings for each other, told each other we loved each other, he broke up with his gf for me.

 

However as you can all predict the ending is not happily ever after. They're still broken up as far as I know but the guilt/stress of the situation (she took it very badly) plus probably the loss of the stimulation of the "affair" all contributed to him losing feelings for me. He still told me he liked me but that he was now no longer sure about wanting to be with me, and was confused about what he wanted.

 

Amazingly his gf told him she still wanted to be with him after all that and that she was going to wait for him… I learned that she knew long ago that his feelings for her had faded, but clung on because she loved him so much.

 

I was initially confused about what to do.. he said he would follow my lead.. so I asked him to try out the relationship with me, because how would he know we weren't compatible unless we tried it out. He agreed, but from the beginning it was doomed. He was no longer super loving and romantic the way he used to be, and would never initiate anything romantic UNLESS he was drunk haha. Then he would go back to being very sweet and loving, until come morning soberness

 

During one of these drunken times he FINALLY changed is fb profile and managed to tell his guy friends that he's on a "break" - although he had told me he's broken up. Not sure who he's lying to. His (ex?)gf appears to think it's a break up though as well, she removed her status on fb. He told one of his guy friends he likes me.

 

Still he was "confused" and was not at all nice to me. We were more like semi-awkward friends hanging out all the time. However when I asked him (twice) if he wanted to just be single for now, he said "no, lets just see how things go".

 

This kept dragging on… his (ex?)gf continued to text him… maybe he was texting her too, asking her how she's been… got no idea what they're texting about but it seems like they're fighting; she's rapid-fire texting long sentences. He still spends every day with me but it's not romantic at all. But I definitely believe him now when he says he's CONFUSED cause his actions are all over the place.

 

Finally today I told him I can't take it any more and that I thought I deserved better. That I actually considered clinging onto him the way his (ex?)gf had been doing for the last freaking 8 years (no idea how she did it) but that I was basically robbing him and me both out of the healthy, fulfilling relationship we both deserved. He agreed with me, said he was sorry and that it was true he had been pulling away because he wasn't sure what he wanted and that he didn't want to lead me on. That he was sick of hurting people he loved and just wanted to be alone. That he was thinking about joining the navy (wtf) and being deployed.

 

FAIR ENOUGH. Honestly if he actually wanted to be single I'd be all for it and kudos to him for wanting to take a break between relationships. But the problem is that he hasn't even told our common friends he's single (he told his own guy friends- they're in a separate group, I know he did tell them though because I know one of the guys as well) and has been lying about still being with his (ex?)gf. To me this means he's leaving an avenue for him to get back together with her without any fuss, hence he's CONFUSED because he doesn't know whether he wants to be with me or her.

 

Which is so selfish. I guess deep in my heart I hope that by doing this he will miss me and realise I am the one for him… I've gotten more texts from him tonight asking if I'm okay than I have in the last two weeks we've been "together"… which is probably exactly what he was doing to her after they "broke up"

 

I know I make him sound like a big douche… which he is LOL… but he also has been good things and attractive qualities which endear him to me… as people say love is blind, and I can't forget about our love even with all of this.

 

My problem now is I still have to see him EVERY DAY. Haha yes you guessed it we work together. And in one month we even have an interstate assignment which means we will be living together for a MONTH (with 6 other people, but they're from a different department).

 

What should I do? I can't go NC. I can't even be impolite/cold without everyone at work and all our work friends knowing something is up. I just have to be nice and see him every day.

 

I know I did the right thing… this relationship would never have worked out at this rate but I can't help missing him. I don't know if I'm wrong hoping against hope that he'll do the right thing, and then we can start fresh once he's "cleared his head". But I'm probably just being super naive and stupid. He'll probably get back together with her, but if that's the kind of relationship they both want, I guess I can't judge.

 

Would like to hear any words of support or advice thanks

[preraph]

I think you did the right thing. He is having separation anxiety from his gf. I doubt seriously they EVER stopped talking or took a real break. She's clearly going to put up with his infidelity and he's still glued to her, which could be love he was taking for granted or could be just codependency. Not your problem. You cleared out and that's what you had to do.

 

Now, unfortunately, it is still on you to do the right thing. To preserve your work integrity, you must just keep a polite professional communication with him at work and drop all personal stuff. Do NOT become his safe "work wife" that he blows off steam to about anything, whether work or personal. Tell him you've got to just be professional now and drop anything personal and that you hope he'll do the same to make it easy for both of you.

 

Then it will be you using your already proven self-discipline to make yourself not focus on him and realize he truly isn't the guy for you, never was. There was something there on the surface, but your dynamics on a deeper level simply isn't there. You're probably too in control of yourself for him and not as needy. Maybe he needs needy to stick to him like glue to feel better about himself. Who knows. Anyway, it didn't work and it isn't ever going to work. So make yourself stop focusing on him and fill your evenings with a combination of relaxation and going out having fun and seeing friends, doing hobbies. Don't sit around idle with too much time to think. Good luck

[spiderlily12]

Thanks preraph...

 

 

Was so hard seeing him today.

 

 

He was all cheery and wanting to know what I'm doing later.

 

 

Don't think he's even taking my pain seriously or maybe acting cheerful is just his way of covering up awkwardness.

 

 

He asked me "are you okay?" what am I going to say. Of course I'm going to say "I'm fine!"

[preraph]

You need to officially tell him from now on, for both your sakes, it's strictly professional. I know it's hard. Get it over with. Do it in text if that's the only way you feel you can do it without coming apart and being vulnerable to him.

[nouedis]

If it is you deserve better, then strive for better. Don't succumb to this.