Dela Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Is it worth it to be in the relationship with a MM and wait for him to do something? Have someone had this conversation? Did u wait and he finally did something about his situation? On our last conversation about us and about the fact that i want us tp break up because we have no future, i told him i would wait for him if he plans to do something in the future (1,2,3 years). I know it s stupid, but it s the only thing i can give him: TIME! He said he doesn t want me to wait for him, but he s not sure and also that he doesn t want me to forget him. I m really confused. How should i have this conversation again? I m starting to feel really bad being with him like this, i would wait for him if i d knew that at the end of that waiting i d be with him finally. How should i approach this situation? Thank u Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 You're most likely going to be waiting until cows can fly. There are very few women on here who actually ended up with their AP. There are handfulls of others where their AP left, then went back to their wives. The best way to approach this is to not wait for him. Move on with your life. If it's meant to be, it will be. He doesn't want you to wait for him, most likely, because he knows he's not going to leave. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I'm having to move on from my xMM...I waited for 2 years for him to figure out what he wanted, if he could leave, if he wanted to leave, etc, etc I was dropped earlier this year, only for him to contact me 4 months later to apologize. I admit I allowed myself to be reeled back in...that was for about 2 months....he has vanished again. Wants to make his marriage work, needs to try, all the typical things that are said when the W decides SHE is the one who is done. I think it's best to just let him be...like GoldieLox says...if it's meant to be it will be. I rode the crazy train for way too long and am in counseling trying to deal with it all Good Luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
Tread Carefully Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I was talking to a really good girlfriend of mine once about a guy I was dating. I said "Is this love? Do you think we're in love?" She answered "Honey, if you have to ask the question then the answer is no." I think that applies here to yours as well. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Thank u, girls. we ve been together for 8 months. it hurts and it s hard and when i mentioned it to him he was crushed. but yet didn t do almost anything to try to convince me to stay. i can see he s hurt, it s like he doesn t want me to leave, he doesn t want me to stay. i even "offered" to wait for him, it felt really ****ty when he said No (almost no). it felt so stupid,i felt rejected. we are still "together" but i can see from my side things are not good at all, i get angry on him sometimes and we fight, so definitelly i m holding a grudge on him.. i would like to have one more conversation with him about this and then end it if it goes the same... but i don t know what to say anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Personally I don't know what else you can say...my xMM said he wasn't sure if his marriage would work, but he didn't want to ask me to put my life on HOLD...I looked at him like WTH have I been doing for 2 years a$$hat. I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 weeks...he hasn't once reached out to me...OH except the sneaky change of his profile and cover photo on FB to something very dear to me, that only people close to me know. I considered that a crumb and blocked it....if you were "thinking of me" you could've answered my last text from June. Leave it be...that's what i'm doing. I am not contacting him at all and if he shows up like on FB I delete/block. As long as he still lives under the same roof as his W, that's where he CHOOSES to be...he's not choosing me or any life we MAY have had together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tread Carefully Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Does he have children? How long has he been married? Are you married too? So many variables. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Please don't do it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 he has 2 girls. been with her 12 years, married 7. i am not married, never been. we used to talk abt how it would be to get separated and one time he mentioned his fears, what would the family say, how would the kids be, he s been in this marriage for so long and he doesnt know how he would be out of it etc etc. u know what they say. after he told me he will never separate because of the kids (few months ago), i started thinking to break it. i m 26, i could give him some time, but i can t give him forever like this. i can see he s not sure abt anything. how did u girls usually ended these relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 he has 2 girls. been with her 12 years, married 7. i am not married, never been. we used to talk abt how it would be to get separated and one time he mentioned his fears, what would the family say, how would the kids be, he s been in this marriage for so long and he doesnt know how he would be out of it etc etc. u know what they say. after he told me he will never separate because of the kids (few months ago), i started thinking to break it. i m 26, i could give him some time, but i can t give him forever like this. i can see he s not sure abt anything. how did u girls usually ended these relationships? I hope you will make decisions in your best interest. Compromising when he isn't planning to change a thing only means you settle - you could potentially be the other woman for another 5 - 10 - 20 years. He's married. Start dating single, available men! Go for it! You owe this MM nothing. There's no need to even tell him it's over. He will get a clear message that it's over when he finds out you're busy, unavailable and seeing men that make you their top priority. He's not that guy. And you could potentially be wasting years waiting around to find that he never changes a thing. The ONLY one to look out for your best interest is you. I hope you decide to never settle again. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Personally, no. Especially because you are so young (close to my age) and have a whole lot of life to live. Who knows how long he will try to have you on the side. Instead of waiting for a what if situation, I think it would be better for you, your well-being, happiness and heart to find a single man to give you his all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Okay - well you've HAD the discussion. He TOLD you not to "wait" - he's not planning ahead like you would want him to. You have your answer. And I wouldn't approach the subject anymore. Once is enough. If he wants to change his outlook, he can and will tell you, if it's important enough to him. In the meantime, try not to be too proactive in your A. Date others. Look around. Be social. Committed to your job. Most people in As have a timeline. It'll take soandso long until soandso happens, and if it is not happening, then soandso will happen, and we will change plans. OR: they have an agreement that things are just dandy the way they are. That happens a lot when both are M and / or have no intention to change their individual lives. Or if it's just a sex-A. I don't know what yours is. But he doesn't want to commit to a timeline. That's for sure. So work with that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 i m 26... how old is he & how old are the children...? toddlers or? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 he s 31, kids 4 and 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 he has 2 girls. been with her 12 years, married 7. i am not married, never been. we used to talk abt how it would be to get separated and one time he mentioned his fears, what would the family say, how would the kids be, he s been in this marriage for so long and he doesnt know how he would be out of it etc etc. u know what they say. after he told me he will never separate because of the kids (few months ago), i started thinking to break it. i m 26, i could give him some time, but i can t give him forever like this. i can see he s not sure abt anything. how did u girls usually ended these relationships? 8 month affair vs a 12 years together, 7 married, plus 2 kids. No way is going to give all that up and start over again with you. Please, find the strength to end it now otherwise in 3 years you'll still be the OW waiting, hoping and wasting your life while he continues to live life with his wife and children. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 i have a friend who was married. i spoke to him today for some advice. he left his wife (they didn t get along for some time at the time) and he s now with the girl he met while he was married. he separated from his wife 1 month after they met and he also has 2 kids who are now doing just fine! he told me something very nice today. that he left his wife for his GF because he loved her and wanted to give her stability. so 8 months later he married her. the kids spend time with her and everything is just fine. i guess it all works out when u know what u want.. my MM seems to not know.... Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Mine I guess ended ours again the end of June...after professing his love for me all crap hit the fan at home, nothing to do with me...and he starts acting all weird and sends me a coded text. He's got too much going on, can't handle anything else, please don't be upset with him...his stress is at an all time high and he felt he might be pushed over the edge if he didn't back away right now....then he vanished once again. I only know he's falling all over himself trying to do whatever it takes for her not to leave because he told a friend of mine...otherwise i'd be in the dark once again. So i'm going to try to move on to a SINGLE man that I can contact and see whenever I WANT Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 He's a liar and a cheat. Why is that a man that you'd want to settle for? He has made it clear to you that he isn't leaving the marriage. Why wait? Why do you have to be the one to sacrifice your life goals? Don't you worry that even if he left the marriage and was with you - that he would quickly fill your vacant position with another new gal? He came on to you like he was single... He may not know how to be committed to any relationship. He may very well be the true narcissistic type. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Mine I guess ended ours again the end of June...after professing his love for me all crap hit the fan at home, nothing to do with me...and he starts acting all weird and sends me a coded text. He's got too much going on, can't handle anything else, please don't be upset with him...his stress is at an all time high and he felt he might be pushed over the edge if he didn't back away right now....then he vanished once again. I only know he's falling all over himself trying to do whatever it takes for her not to leave because he told a friend of mine...otherwise i'd be in the dark once again. So i'm going to try to move on to a SINGLE man that I can contact and see whenever I WANT this vanishing thing just sucks. i mean, u are a man, for God Sake, u can at least end things as a man. i m sorry u are in this situation, i had single guys do this to me and i know the feeling. it seems like they all vanish when the wife finds out... i m wondering how the heck my MM wife didn t find out or suspect anything by now. 8 months and she has no clue Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 i have a friend who was married. i spoke to him today for some advice. he left his wife (they didn t get along for some time at the time) and he s now with the girl he met while he was married. he separated from his wife 1 month after they met and he also has 2 kids who are now doing just fine! he told me something very nice today. that he left his wife for his GF because he loved her and wanted to give her stability. so 8 months later he married her. the kids spend time with her and everything is just fine. i guess it all works out when u know what u want.. my MM seems to not know.... Because your MM's marriage is not miserable. He loves his wife. He just enjoys having you on the side because he's selfish and has a huge ego and it makes him feel good. THAT is NOT love, nor is this the kind of affair that will lead to him ending his marriage and being with you. He has told you so, so listen to him! Just because your male married friend opened up and told you about his situation doesn't mean that will happen in your situation. The situations are different and he obviously was ready to leave his wife and divorce. Again, your MM has NO intention of divorcing. Don't let this give you false hope. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 this vanishing thing just sucks. i mean, u are a man, for God Sake, u can at least end things as a man. i m sorry u are in this situation, i had single guys do this to me and i know the feeling. it seems like they all vanish when the wife finds out... i m wondering how the heck my MM wife didn t find out or suspect anything by now. 8 months and she has no clue What it means is, he's a great liar and actor. Of course she's not suspicious, why should she be? They spend time together as a family and a couple, they sleep in the same bed, have sex, he's given her no reason to mistrust him. He's probably very careful not to get caught. That is why she doesn't know. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Because your MM's marriage is not miserable. He loves his wife. He just enjoys having you on the side because he's selfish and has a huge ego and it makes him feel good. THAT is NOT love, nor is this the kind of affair that will lead to him ending his marriage and being with you. He has told you so, so listen to him! Just because your male married friend opened up and told you about his situation doesn't mean that will happen in your situation. The situations are different and he obviously was ready to leave his wife and divorce. Again, your MM has NO intention of divorcing. Don't let this give you false hope. oh no, i won t. his advice to my situation was : end it now!!! he told me not to start the conversation abt us anymore and not to presuure him into any decision. just to end it because he s not gonna do anything Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 it seems like they all vanish when the wife finds out... i m wondering how the heck my MM wife didn t find out or suspect anything by now. 8 months and she has no clue His W was suspicious 2 yrs ago...but there hasn't been any proof so to speak. And i'm sure he's not worried about me telling her...because unless she actually goes out of her way to contact me, i'm not contacting her. I'm not going to cause her any additional pain. And my therapist has actually thrown out the "narcissitic" word about my xMM Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dela Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 His W was suspicious 2 yrs ago...but there hasn't been any proof so to speak. And i'm sure he's not worried about me telling her...because unless she actually goes out of her way to contact me, i'm not contacting her. I'm not going to cause her any additional pain. And my therapist has actually thrown out the "narcissitic" word about my xMM this seems to be the general opinion. my MM was complaining last week abt being sad because we will break up. i was like WTF. i dont see u doing anything abt it. u don t want me to wait for u, u don t want me to stay, u don t want me to go. what the **** u want? i really resent him very much lately for not doing anything abt us but just complaining that we will break up. i m even having evil thoughts abt doing something so the wife finds out about us. i don t know what i m feeling anymore Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 oh no, i won t. his advice to my situation was : end it now!!! he told me not to start the conversation abt us anymore and not to presuure him into any decision. just to end it because he s not gonna do anything So what is stopping you from totally ending it? Fear of pain? Fear of not having him in your life? Don't let that prevent you from doing what you know has to happen... Ending it so you can grieve the loss, and heal. It'll be hard to do but it seems like you have a some good friends who will support you and help you through this. Link to post Share on other sites
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